Portia's family are an arthritic lot - Our Father which art in Raynes Park had a Hip replacement done recently and William had most spectacular gout until quite recently when his doc gave him some magic pills which have done away with it.



Today, I am felled with an attack of the dreaded gout monster - this is entirely unfunny, my foot hurts like hell.



William decided to ring up this afternoon to ask if I could go to PC World with him. Now usually I am up for a visit to PC World to examine gadgets and gizmos - so you can imagine that I was in a pretty poor condition when I refused. William was his usual sympathetic self - he laughed like one of his blocked drains.



He did, however, tell me a lovely story about his mate, Swifty. Swifty is a bloke in his 40's who is himself prone to the dreaded gout monster. Swifty's doctor has given him some pills to get rid of the gout - but Swifty resolutely refuses to take them - he thinks they may damage his liver. (It has to be said here that Swifty is a bit keen on the beer, so William cannot quite see the connection between the pills and fear of liver damage). However, as usual, I digress.



One night at about 1am, William's mate, Martin, got a call from Mrs Swifty. 'Martin!' she says...'Swifty needs your help'. Martin was concerned and asked why. Mrs Swifty explained that the old man had been attacked by the gout monster and was in the garage, lying on the floor, with his afflicted foot in the freezer and a saw in his hand. Martin very sensibly told Swifty to start taking the pills and to stop being such a baby.



However, after my experience today, I have some sympathy with Swifty's point of view. I did consider putting my foot in the freezer too.



All sharp objects have been removed from Chateau Portia.



In pain,



A limping Portia