A few things to remember before you cheat on a woman

1. When presented with the ideal cheating scenario--that is, if a flying saucer lands in the cornfield where you happen to be standing and a female alien of sinus-clearing hotness slithers down the ramp and declares that she wants to come in peace a minimum of four times in the next hour, and you take her up on it because you know no one will ever find out--no one must ever find out.

2. Someone will always find out.

3. If you get caught, the law is on your wife's side. And you won't lose just half of your stuff. The other half--the golf clubs, the surround sound, the Armani--will be destroyed in a spectacular driveway bonfire as every angry woman you know toasts marshmallows shaped like your testicles.

4. And if you're not married? Your longtime girl is bound by no law.

5. Yes, traveling for business is lonely. Phone home for a bicoastal quickie.

6. Or, to paraphrase Neil Simon, do to yourself what you would otherwise do unto others.

7. If a woman who knows you're spoken for comes on to you, it's flattering. It's tempting. But remember that she's doing it to feed her own ego, not yours. She wants to see how much power she holds over you. And if you take her bait, she then knows she must be superior in every way to your sweetie. Deep down, she has nothing but contempt for both your male weakness and your mate's existence. That should really piss you off.

8. According to the Shari'ah, the laws of ancient Islam, adulterers must be stoned to death. Before you say, "Dude, cool," we mean with rocks. In these parts, that's what will happen to your good name. Friends you made while you were a couple will disappear. Friends you had as a single guy are long gone. That leaves you with the hard drinkers.

9. You're about to be with the kind of woman who wants to be with the kind of man who would cheat on a woman.

10. Channel all temptation toward the girl you left at home. Example: When out for a night with the boys, go to Hooters, not a strip club or roadhouse. Hooters girls are the unsung heroines of relationship therapy--gorgeous, chatty, and so untouchable that you always go home hungry. Your gal has no idea her sex life will improve tenfold when you get there.

11. At the office party, pretend the coworker who's flirting with you has gonorrhea.

12. "I'm famous for all the wrong reasons." --Joey Buttafuoco

13. If your ex calls, enjoy a pleasant 5-minute conversation. Then tell her your wife's on the other line.

14. Treat your temptation as a cage match. Defeating that treacherous organ between your legs is the ultimate triumph of man over nature. It's you versus your penis. He's up for the challenge. Are you?

6 Signs She Might Be Cheating

...or perhaps thinking about it

1 - She's accusing you

"Often, when a woman accuses her mate of having romantic feelings or involvement with others, she's projecting her own feelings onto him," says Susan Heitler, Ph.D. If your girlfriend lacks trust in you, she may not trust herself.

2 - She wants more

If she's telling you she needs something else from the relationship, whether the request is for more intimacy or a stronger emotional connection, listen. "A woman really lets you know what she's thinking about," says Al Cooper, Ph.D., director of the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre. "If she tells you she's feeling unappreciated or unimportant, or wants more intimacy, it can be the last-ditch effort before she embarks on an affair."

3 - She's online

If you're hearing "You've got mail" more than "I love you," she may be spending time searching the Web for someone to talk to. "Even if she doesn't want to cheat, the Internet is particularly seductive for women," says Cooper. "It makes men have to talk, and women want a communicator."

4 - She's looking hotter than ever

If she's started something on the side, sudden changes in behavior or appearance (for the better) are common.

5 - She's sappier than ever

"If she's watching romantic movies and reading romantic books, the feeling she's getting from them is feeding something inside of her," says Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., a relationship expert who's online at perfectmatch.com. If your mate's not expressing these emotions in your direction, she might be looking for a new leading man.

6 - She's more attentive to you

A study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that when a man's girlfriend is cheating, she'll start to make obvious attempts to increase his satisfaction in the relationship, as well as say derogatory things about her paramour. It's a misdirection ploy to lessen your suspicions.