Maybe I have to trust this to some higher power, which I hate to do, because I don�t want to lose control in what is looking like a very hairy situation. There�s not a lot I can do in here, so I don�t really have a choice but to hand the reins over to someone or some thing out there.
I hear a thunder in the distance
See a vision of a cross
I feel the pain that was given
On that sad day of loss
A lion roars in the darkness
Only He holds the key
A light to free me from my burden
And grant me life eternally
And came the big question. Why didn�t I die? What kept me going? Is it just that somehow I always pick myself and move ahead, leaving it all behind? I never even had time to figure out why I had survived. Until now.
Should have been dead
On a Sunday morning
Banging my head
No time for mourning
Ain�t got no time
Now all the times come rushing back, and I can see that something had kept me alive, something that these people can�t take away from me. I force myself to my feet, ready to fight for my life, and I see that I am completely alone. I look around, and there are no footprints on the ground, no evidence of anyone else ever being there.
So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride
We�re all held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one
I drop back to my knees and reach towards the sky, ignoring the pain in my shoulder. I can�t even see the sky, but I know it�s there, out there somewhere. Before I can stop myself and pursue some logical course of action, I scream to some unseen entity.
"What is this place?! Why are you doing this to me?! What have I done to deserve this?!"
Then suddenly I know. I am alone. And somehow I tell myself while blood continues trickling down my face, I was always alone. Somewhere the world, and my past, has caught up with me, and I�ve created my own prison.
I cry out to God
Seeking only His decision
Gabriel stands and confirms
I�ve created my own prison
Still on my knees, I lower my head, lean my elbows on my knees, and curl my arms over my head. I can feel tears mixing with the blood and running down my cheeks. I�m not sure how long I�ve been sitting here like this, a melted puddle of humanity. After what feels like hours, I hear a voice, speaking softly.
"Seamus?"
I feel Beka sit down next to me, with one hand resting gently on my back. I want to look at her, but I can�t bring myself to raise my head.
"Oh God, what happened to you? I was only gone ten minutes. When I came back, you were gone. I�ve been searching for you for hours."
Finally, I start to rise from my heap on the floor. I raise my head to look at her, and she takes one look at my face and immediately reaches up to brush tears from my cheek. Then she gently wipes away blood that was threatening to run in my eye. She slowly wraps her arms around me and pulls me against her. I let out a little whimper as she touches my dislocated shoulder, but I allow her to hold me. I lay my head on her shoulder as she whispers, "Don�t ever scare me like that again. If something ever happened� if I lost you�"
I can the tears behind her words and I suddenly know why I�ve survived this long. Because my life still matters to somebody.