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| Hogwarts Headmistress is Leaving By: Zoey Taylor Professor Alba Dumbledore officially announced today that she will be leaving her position as Headmistress of Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry due to personal reasons. We haven�t yet been informed as to who will be stepping up to take her position, but the options are the five deputy headmasters Professors Severus Snape, Gilderoy Lockhart, Ripley Guildhall, Cecelia Opal, and Lily Fairydust. PAD has assured us that any of the five would do a great job taking over her position however we have heard several comments from students who wish to keep their names secret that there has been a lot of fighting amongst the deputies over who will get the spot. One student said that she saw professors Snape and Lockhart dueling it out and Professor Lockhart ended up losing but not before he blasted a huge hole through 4 walls of the castle. Which in turn has frightened all of the house elves out of the castle. Another student reported that Professor Ripley was seen gazing into her crystal ball in order to find out who would be taking the position and then suddenly standing up and tossing it out of a window before going for more of that tea of hers she drinks. Professor Opal has been seen painting life sized images of herself to hang all over the castle if she is in fact the one chosen, And Professor Fairydust� being the Ravenclaw she is, was seen going over everyone�s records to try and find out who has the best chance at it. |
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| Sorting Hat Eliminated
By Penshire #1 Ever since PAD's Hogwarts opened its doors six years ago the Sorting Hat has been the method used to divide students into their houses. It has worked well up until the past few months, when administrators realized that students were tricking the Sorting Hat into placing them in houses where they didn't really belong! Because of this, PAD's Hogwarts has decided to do away with the Sorting Hat. All new students wishing to be sorted will instead be required to answer a four-hundred and seventeen question multiple choice quiz and write a three-page essay on a topic of their choosing. The staff is excited about this new policy and can't wait to see it in action! Look for the new sorting form to appear on April first, 2008. |
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| This Issue Has Been Canceled.
And Other Such Bad News.
By Ariene Callahan Due to lack of content submission, this issue of the Owl Gazette will not be published. Please refrain from sending Howlers, and other such sneaky little grievances to the OG staff. Previous issues of the magazine are available for re-purchase, and are on the newsstand in the Entrance Hall. The Owl Gazette apologizes for any inconvenience, and are not responsible for any missed news alerts that may of been published in this month's edition. To make up for the "lost" issue, next month's Owl Gazette will be a double issue. They ask that any submissions be sent in the standard fashion of snail mail. The Post Owl system is on hiatus, they've only just received word. Also among this issue being canceled, the OG regrets to inform you that all submissions are required a submission fee of 1,550 galleons, due upon time of submission. The editor of the OG could not be reached for comment. It is believed that she is currently buried under the thousands of Howlers that she has received. Thank you and have a nice day. So go ahead, close this magazine at once. I guarantee that nothing interesting lies in the next pages. Honestly, would the OG waste parchment, and print an issue filled with blank pages? I can see you are a stubborn one. You are totally disregarding my warning! Fine then. Go ahead, turn the page. I won't say that you've been warned... |
| �SPAM� Topics Banned from Forums
By G. O. Fish There�s no doubt that by this point every single common room in PAD�s Hogwarts has a topic in their Games or Chit-Chat forum titled �Spam�� or some variation of the word. Even the Bulletin Board has a spam topic, and while the other games on the BB are rarely touched Spam is nearly always busy. These topics are prone to reaching epic proportions of silly, nonsensical posts, and as such have been a topic of consideration for the staff for quite some time now. It has been decided that starting April 7, 2008 all Spam topics in common rooms and the Bulletin Board are henceforth prohibited and shall be deleted immediately upon the presence of an administrator on the board. We do not wish to endorse useless posting and as such are taking measures to make the forums cleaner, more productive places. We thank you all in advance for understanding and complying with this very important decision. We believe it is for the best. |
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| Professor Snape Leaves Slytherin: Claims He's Destined For Hufflepuff
By Jenii Chang After years of living a lie, Professor Snape, Slytherin's former HOH, has finally let the cat out of the bag. His heart belongs to Hufflepuff. Who's taking over Slytherin? What's happening to Lockhart? And most importantly, how are the Slytherins taking it? Read on for the answers to all your burning questions. After going through the resumes of many people hoping to snag Professor Snape's former position of Slytherin HOH, PAD has finally decided on the candidate. Shelby, a talking dog from Wales, seemed best fit for the job. He was a perky, playful pup looking for a loving home and family. From the moment PAD met him, her heart melted and she knew she had made the perfect decision. With Professor Snape taking over Hufflepuff, there was the minor detail of getting Professor Lockhart out of the way. The job proved to be much easier than expected. You see, Professor Snape's coming clean about his true destiny left Lockhart prepared to admit his life goal. The Hufflepuff HOH's greatest aspiration was to become a Hot Dog Vendor in New York City. The professor claimed he wanted to spread smiles to all the lovely hot dog-loving people of The Big Apple. I would like to take a moment to wish Professor Lockhart luck with this future endeavor. The only problem left, is what the Slytherin's think of their head of house crossing the dungeons and leaving them behind. Despite popular belief, the Slytherin students couldn't be happier! Students available said that they were "Glad to see the last of his billowing cape of doom," and claimed his "Dark and dreary ways cramped their style." These party-hard Slytherin's held a festive celebration complete with rainbow streamers and pink balloons to welcome home their new HOH doggy. They "Couldn't be happier," about the switch. It seems everyone in this situation ended up happy as can be. |
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| Kitchen Elves on Strike!
By Billy Raven What happens when you give an inch�a mile is taken! In an effort to give the Hogwarts Kitchen elves more freedom and say in their �jobs� here, the Headmistress may have caused a problem. With more of a voice in the goings on in the kitchen, the elves got their dander up about students popping in making requests constantly for in-between-meal snacks and catering common room parties. So angered were they about the extra work they decided to go on strike for one week which caused some problems for the school. To combat this, the Headmistress assigned each house a night of the week to make the meals for the whole school with Penshire going first. That night the meal was creative, mixing festive treats with a variety of chicken dishes all garnished decoratively with parsley, basil, and other greenery. The night the Ravenclaws were to cook, the meal was more of an aloof French style meal with portions so small that bread and buns disappeared quickly to make up for the lack of real food. When Gryffindor was in charge of the kitchen there was more of a �meat & potato� type dishes like meatloaf, stew, steak, and mashed, fried, and baked potatoes. Hufflepuff put a different spin on things; they went with light and easy dishes with plenty of soups, salads, and breads. No one would accuse them of cracking open a cook book. As for the night Slytherin was to cook, well, we have no idea what went on, rumor is a giant food fight incurred so most of Hogwarts had to do with sandwiches that night. The staff cooked the last night of the strike, things were certainly exciting for that meal. Each professor teamed with another to come up with some interesting dishes using food coloring to enhance the look but certainly not the flavor! The teams were trying to �theme� it according to their background, but no matter what anyone said, no one was touching Professor Snape and Professor Bliss�s dish. We are just glad the strike is over!! |
| Ravenclaw Gives Up: Can't Handle The Heat
By Jenii Chang The stress levels of all students are rising with this coming of end-of-term. Only a few more months to earn all the points they can muster. But now house had actually considered dropping out of the race for the house cup. That is, until Ravenclaw threw in the towel. The constant work required to keeping their house in first place was making the Ravenclaw students testy. When brawls broke out on top of the Ravenclaw table during dinner one evening, Professor Fairydust knew she had to do something about it. A debate took place amongst the Ravenclaw staff and a decision was made that they would have to drop out to keep the house united. When asked to comment, Ravenclaw's HOH said, "It was absolutely ridiculous. What could we do? The students who did the majority of the work were snapping on their housemates the second one of them slacked off. We knew something had to change." But wait. Were they just going to throw away their 98,133 points? Of course not, that would be stupid. What they did do with those points, was give it away to a wonderfully deserving house. Much to the dismay of the other houses, the Slytherin house found it's hourglass raised 98,133 points that very day. "We all know that Slytherin is the best house," one student commented, "So we figured, if we couldn't win, it had to be them." The Ravenclaws are thrilled with this decision and the Slytherin's must say that they are quite pleased as well. But, Ravenclaw's dropping out begs the question: Who's next to go? If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen. |
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| PAD Announces Plans for a 7th and 8th House
By Ava Black The creation of the 5th house of Penshire was a great success and now the 6th house is in the works. Pad has decided to add two more houses here at Hogwarts. The 7th house will be for all the Squibs that want to come to magic school. The 8th House will be for only beautiful people. This should make our school the best Magical school possible. |
| Students' Ghosts Spotted in Forbidden Forest!
By Elaine Xuayv Yes, you read the title correctly. Several students have been spotted roaming around the Forbidden Forest, and all of them are Gryffindors! Shocking, you say? Yes, it is shocking. This reporter found herself wandering the forest for hours, trying to find these students and bring them back into the castle so the Detention Supervisor could deal with them. However, even though I was able to hear several very loud screams and curses, and footsteps, and conversation that sounded as though it was going between two people trying to explore to forest, I am now presuming that these Gryffindors that are in the forest are now haunting it. So I suggest that no one ventures inside the forest. Especially Slytherins. |
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