In a ruling long feared by many, the old men of the world have finally declared that the world has "gone to Hell in a handbasket". The declaration was announced during this year's annual worldwide old man conference, the Global Representatives Assembly of Males Particularly Aged (GRAMPA), being held in Miami as a platform for old men from around the world to complain, grumble, mutter, and doze in the afternoon.
The statement was issued in a press conference earlier this week, along with the usual annual announcements of what's wrong with kids today, why modern music is too loud, and how uncomfortable it is to wear adult diapers. However, the added announcement of Hell-in-a-handbasket status drew extra media attention, particularly as this has been threatened many times in the past by GRAMPA. In fact, it seems that people had been told they were going to Hell in a handbasket so many times that it had begun to lose effect. One man, aged 23, had this to say after attending the press conference: "Man, I always knew we were going, but I never thought we'd get there."
Such factors as the War on Terror, the financial problems of the past few months, and President George W. Bush nearly choking on a pretzel are believed to have finally pushed the old men to make their decision. "We believe that these are dark times indeed, which has led us to announce this," said Clancy F. Jones, a spokesperson for GRAMPA, regularly seen sitting on a bench outside the local barber's shop scowling at teenagers. "In a time when even the President is in danger from something as harmless as baked snacks, we feel drastic action is needed. Hell, that pretzel could have gotten any one of us. Except Bill, he can't chew pretzels."
The old men also put forth a suggested plan for the nations of GRAMPA to follow, which "they'll do if they know what's good for 'em." Suggestions include raising pensions by 300%, outlawing rock music, and attemptimg to reinstate the "good ol' days" as much as possible. When asked what relevance these measures had to contemporary society, as well as how they would help to stem the tide of recent devastating events, the official response was "What the dang hell's the matter with you boy? Weren't you taught to respect your elders none? I oughta give you a right good paddlin'."
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