| Brian's List: 1)Scott Norwood 2)The guy who started LOL 3)Phil Hartman's Wife 4)Chris Farley's Dealer 5)Whoever gave Family Guy the axe 6)Whoever cast Heyden Christiansen in Star Wars 7)Whoever made Jimmy Fallon a star 8)The designer of Capris pants 9)Anyone with anything to do with American Idol (O_s note: 10 is a future one, but it's funny so I'll allow it) 10)Anyone dating the Olson Twins that isn't me |
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| Sorry it took so long, Dom. I'm a bad roommate. Dominic's List: 1) Hitler has to be #1 and I'd kill him before he took power in Germany. I know, I know, NO doctators, etc, but he's on my list for another reason...because he single-handedly ruined the "half" mustache. Come on - I could probably enjoy wearing that, but if I did everyone would call me Hitler...they'd say I had a "Hitler" mustache. They'd think I was a Nazi or something. One single man destroyed an entire facial hair style! Now that's just not fair, can you think of anyone else in history who's done that? 2) The guy who thought of the idea of selling the "Pet Rock" back in the 80's. Not because it was a stupid idea, but because I wish I would have thought of it first - pure genius. He made millions because people actually wanted to buy a freakin' pet rock! 3) Yoko Ono - no explanation needed (if you need some please email yourself at [email protected]) 4) The employee who works at Webster's Dictionary who actually pushed to get "Bootylicious" in the dictionary...oh, it's in there. I swear on it. 5) Scott Norwood - I know, it's on someone else's list. But that's how much I hate him. After that guy killed him, I'd come up and kick him in the nuts.....Ouch. Wide right! 6) Whoever introduced the Islamic faith to Cat Stevens 7) Martin Brest. Who you ask? Writer and Director of the movie "Gigli". 8) George Lucas - not before Episodes 4-6, but before he could do 1. 9) Whoever advised MC Hammer to make a comeback as a "gangsta" rapper. 10) Courtney Love - with no Courtney, I'd truly believe we'd still have Kurt. (O_s note: Why does everybody forget he was a junkie? We lost Lane Staley with no Courtney. Drugs are bad. Don't do drugs, m'kay?) Amen. Peace out. |
| Ten People Who Should Be Killed By Time Travellers By Nick Gentile of gentilefanclub.com Written for "overnight stories." Someday time travel will be possible. Think of all the possibilities! Mysteries, finally uncovered, direct communication with our past, finding out future events... killing people through history that sucked. Well, as a fairly accurate representation of life these past three or four centuries, I thought it fit to write this list of targets to future time travelers. Most of the people are just entertainers I can't stand, but, still. It's too late to get their crap out of my system now, so maybe, someday, people from the future could do it before they get in there. Disclaimer: Jeff has got to have a disclaimer on his page somewhere. I would if I had a back-in-time kill list on my site. Target: Number One. Who: Stephen Spielberg. When: After he made Jaws, but before he did anything else. Reason: Everything after Jaws sucked. The only reason Jaws was good because it was a good book, but Orca was still better. The special effects in Orca sucked, in fact, there weren't many, because they didn't have the means. Without special effects, what has Spielberg done that someone else hasn't done better? Or at all? You can argue Schindler's List, but that was pretentious film making, AND outdone by Life is Beautiful. Life is Beautiful took a big steamy crap on his movie's back, deservedly so, as Spielberg has done that to movie-goer's brains. If you disagree with me about his movies, then maybe you should turn towards you TV and try to remember a little something called AIDS that he mislabelled "Seaquest DV." If these time travelers succeed, not only will Stephen Spielberg be remembered for making such an awesome movie. We'll also have had a different director NOT ruin Jurassic Park like he did. Target: Number Two. Who: Eminem's mother When: Before Eminem was born. Reason: Not only would we be spared of Eminem's garbage rap, but also his mother's garbage rap retaliation against her garbage son. Seriously, who likes this garbage? I know, everyone but me, but he's really no better than Britney Spears, despite how much he ridicules her. He's just as studio as her, he's just as image-based as her, and he's copied just as much as her. Eminem did not even think of his own gimmick, nor win any rap battles in real life. He was found because he was white therefore marketable. And his "gimmick" is not impressive. If he was a one-man band called Goth as Hell, played depressing songs on a banjo, and made everyone think that he was taking himself seriously, that'd be impressive. In fact, if possible, I'd like this target to be whoever decided "blind anger" in music was "emotion" through music. The best bands convey moods, sometimes anger. Radiohead's Paranoid Android was angry, but more so because of confusion and defeat, whereas Eminem's songs are blind anger that are, in fact, caused by compensation from this confusion and defeat. Good musicians convey mood through music. Eminem is the Kevin Smith of rap. Which reminds me... Target: Number Three. Who: Kevin Smith. When: Before Clerks. Reason: Clerks sucked. The dialogue was not only VERY unlike the way people speak, but embarrassing to watch. It was a simplified version of how one nerd finds he and his friends to be "so cool," and have "the craziest conversations." I'd rather watch Big Kahuna if they'd only take that fucking "Wear Sunscreen" song out of the end. I'm certain there was some agreement that it had to be in there. But Clerks is a movie that makes losers feel good about themselves for being losers, dramatic, and talking about entertainment. It's catharsis for people who want to do something fresh and clever, watching it is enough to feel that they are, because they're slackers who do nothing and crack Star Wars jokes all day. If I ever heard a friend crack a Star Wars joke I'd kick him in the shaft so heard he'd scream like the very wookie he was oh-so cleverly impersonating. Which also reminds me... Target: Number Four. Who: George Lucas. When: Right before whenever it was he started considering himself a genius. Reason: He's not. His new movies just suck the life out of me. The original Star Wars trilogy was fine on it's own, in fact, if it was just the first movie, it'd be much better. I like that he's changing the movies around and adding characters into it, destroying it for the fans. Maybe I don't want him to be killed in the past. Maybe I'd just it was his fans. Target: Number Five. Who: Whoever is the head of education in this country. When: Before they and their vampire friends created the paradigm for this current system centuries ago, scratching their newly established rules with razors into the backs of twenty screaming virgin boys. Reason: It blows. If I wanted to be taught how to get a job, I'd apply to McHitler's or something. Otherwise, school is a great system to tell you how special you are and how you can be anything you want when you first enter, and systematically break you down from there. Target: Number Six. Who: Thom Lappas. When: Two summers ago. Reason: He still has my VHS copy of Bottle Rocket, and I want it back. Target: Number Seven. Who: Adam. When: The sixth day. Reason: So, yea, in all likelihood, he probably didn't exist. But how hot would the Bible have been if the Garden of Eden was just about Eve touching herself? Back in church school, when I had to read it, I liked to pretend it was. Target: Number Eight. Who: Edgar Allen Poe. When: Before he became published. Reason: I like Poe, not a great deal, but I'd have appreciated it if he instead wrote all of his works, put them in a big box, and marked it "For Nick Gentile in a hundred years, give or take a lot." This would've saved us all the trouble of mall goths. Target: Number Nine. Who: All motivational speakers. When: Until people stop being them. Reason: If we strike fear into the hearts of people thinking about becoming motivational speakers, they will instead focus better on the paper work they're supposed to be filling, and not the "success" it took to get a mid-level school administration job. Target: Number Ten. Who: Nick Gentile. When: Immediately after I finished making "beartrap! the motion picture." Reason: I have yet to, and never will be able, to top myself. I'm joking, I'm jokings. Mall goths. Conclusion: Dear readers, click on the link at the top of the page and visit my site. Look at the pictures I use to portray who I am. Can you really take this list seriously? I don't like the thought of a "go back in time" kill list, as it's rather vicious, but I thought it might be a fun read for some, and a way to finally lash out against mall goths, after years of hiding my hatred. Again, consider the source, if you believe a single word of this, I have some stuff I'd like to sell you - [email protected] . |
| Rules: List ten people you would go back in time and kill before they could create, influence, or change something. It can't be the crappy easy ones, like dictators or serial killers. There's no challenge in that. Send it to [email protected]. Disclaimer (because Nick said I should): Obviously there is no time travel...If you think anyone wants to kill these people seriously, you probably shouldn't have access to media of any kind. All lists are posted and hopefully made to be creative and funny not to be serious. If you don't think so, you are not creative nor funny. Go away. |
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