Mystory

I begin by telling you that this may look long, but it is my story and I hope that you will take the time to read it. It is my heart within these words.
It was April of 1988 and I was 17. A month shy of my 18th birthday. My boyfriend and I had been together off and on for 4 yrs, but that last year was steady. We grew up alot in those 4 yrs, and we both realized what we wanted. We loved each other. Eventually, not feeling quiet myself and suspecting, I went to the local Health Dept. for a PT. What I was afraid of was true--I was pregnant. I didn't know what in the world I was going to do. We loved each other, by this time we were engaged, but we weren't ready to be parents. We still had growing ourselves to do. After all, I was only 17 and James was only 18.--We knew right away though that our only choice was to love this child, and provide the best life that we could. So we excepted and prepared.--It didn't take long before we were happy and excited. We loved each other and we knew that our child would be loved because of our love for each other. Well, I still lived at home, but I spent most of my time at James' with his parent's and siblings. I did everything I was supposed to do and I never missed an appointment. Everything seemed to be going perfect. By the time we knew it, July was here. The time was going by so fast. On July 4th I decided to stay at James' for the night. He had 3 siblings, 2 of them being very young, and we were doing fireworks for them. I woke up the next morning not feeling very good. My stomach was cramping, so I thought I had to go to the bathroom. When I pulled the covers back, I saw so much blood. I was covered. I woke James up screaming and he saw the blood and realized what was wrong. He carried me to the car and rushed me to the hospital. I was in alot of pain and I knew what was wrong. I was losing my baby. But I couldn't believe it, I mean I was already 18 wks. This wasn't supposed to happen. By the time we got to the hospital, I was beginning to pass out alot. I was in tremendous pain. And the bleeding continued to worsen. The pain continued to worsen and I was still passing out alot. I just kept crying for my baby. The Drs. told me that there was nothing that they could do for my baby, that he was gone, and that they had no choice, because of the condition that I was in, to do an emergency D&C. I was devastated.--The procedure was terrible, very emotional. I don't think that I will ever forget it. When they were done I realized that I would never see my little one. He was not okay, like I prayed to God for him to be. The Drs. never told me what was wrong with my baby. And me being young, I didn't know to ask. I often wonder what was wrong with my son. Why he couldn't stay with me. Well, when I left the hopital that day, I had no idea how much my life would change, in such a short time. Losing Cody devistated both of us. But, we each grieved differently. James wanted to grieve with me, but I began pushing him away. I began to drink ALOT and before I knew it, I gave my engagement ring back to the love of my life. I turned away, not looking back. I couldn't carry a child, how could I be worth anything? I headed down a bad road after that. I started dating someone who ended up being very abusive. I was in the relationship for over 2 yrs. I had had enough beatings. I knew that I would never get my life back. I had lost my child, my son. And I turned away from the love of my life. The one person who loved me for me. The one that I knew that I would love forever. And that much is true. I will always love him. I let myself stay in an abusive relationship, because I thought that was all I would ever have. Where would I begin?How do I start over?--Well, in time I began dating someone I had went to school with. And he was good to me. He treated me good. A few months after we started dating, I began to not feel quiet right. I knew what that feeling was. I had felt it before. I took 4 home PTs. 2 came out positive. I went to the Dr the next day and it was confirmed. I was pregnant. I was very scared. I didn't think that I could go through that again. In July of 91 we bought a trailor. I was 5 months long by then. And things were going good. I had an easy pregnancy, and gave birth to a beautiful baby boy in Nov. of 91. 3 yrs. laterwe sold the trailor and moved into the house that we decided to rent from my boyfriends grandmother. Keith and I were married in Sept. of 95. By that time we had begun construction on our new house. It took 4 yrs., my husband and his father doing it themselves. We finally moved into our new home in May of 98. After trying for yrs., I finally convinced my husband to have another baby. I was so excited. It was something I wanted so desperately. We began trying on my next cycle in Dec. 2000. I knew almost instantly. Christmas day I was more than certain. Though I didn't let on to anyone my suspisions. Jan. 2nd, I did a home PT and saw a very faint line. I was so happy. The next day the Dr. confirmed it. My due date was Sept. 14, 2001. I began to believe, with all my heart, that my baby was a little girl...my 'sweet one'. And then something went wrong. At 12 A.M., Fri. Jan. 26, I got up to go to the bathroom and I was spotting. I had had some mild cramping a few hrs before. I didn't want to panick so I layed back down. Though I couldn't sleep. Once I got my son off to school that morning, I called my best friend, who was just 6 wks ahead of me in her pregnancy. She picked me up and I went to the ER. They did an Internal Ultrasound, and there she was. So very tiny, but she was there. And though you couldn't hear it this early, the monitor showed the HB. The Dr. said it was a good HB. They drew my blood checking my HCG level to have on file, and sent me home telling me that things looked fine. The spotting and cramping continued. On Mon, the 29th I went to the clinic at the hospital to have my level checked again...to ease my own mind. At the ER it had been 3600. I got the call the next day. The blood work showed my level at 3200. My heart dropped. I was slowly losing my baby. After all these yrs., wanting another baby so badly, I was going to lose her.So now it was just a matter of time. They don't do to many D&C's anymore, except emergency. I bled off and on for about 5 wks. I can't know for sure but because of the pain and the major bleeding, I believe that my baby was gone that last week. Up until then, the bleeding hadn't been very heavy. But that last week, something I felt in my heart told me, that was it. She was really gone. I don't know when her HB stopped. I only know that in those wks, my level continued to very slowly drop. It was an emotional 5 wks. And I couldn't heal my heart until it was over. But I'm okay now. There will always be some pain there, for both my angels, but I'm okay now.--And now, I just wait....wait until I am pregnant again. And pray that I will be able to give birth just one more time.