I have always known it deep in my soul that something was missing in my life, some destiny that I was here for, some meaning or purpose, and yet it was hidden beneath a veil of darkness and mocking silence.
I knew one day that light would burst into these shadows but I feared what lay there, feared what I did not then understand. It began as a trickle and first with the memory of standing on that hill with the sun beating down on us as we waited for the enemy to draw near..
It came to me in my dreams, the soft hot breeze that rippled amongst us, the silent passion burned into our souls as we faced our enemy, silent warriors, painted in white against the yellow and green of the land around us. I remembered my arm guards, leather and they bound my arms as I gripped the handle of the sword I had sharpened in readiness the night before.
Here there was no time, no place, no fear, only the eerie silence that echoed across the plain. I remember the signal was given and it began. The screams of the dying as they lay around us, the sheer force of will that enabled me to wound again and again, without break, without peace. I remember the rich purple of the blood and it stained all around us and the smell of almonds that was thick in the air.
I woke from these dreams feeling not disgust, but exhilaration, and it puzzled me deeply for I am not a violent woman, and I have no great liking for war films and death and the like. This man that stood so proudly on the field, and killed so easily is a million miles away from me, and yet he is part of my soul, he is me, as I was a long time ago.
The next memory that came to me was far more painful. After this one the rest have been easier, but this one was by far the most traumatic. I remember sitting with tear streaming down my face unable to breathe, as emotions buried for thousands of years escaped into my world, and swirled around me, once again capturing me in their aching sadness. I remember the strength I tried to convey as I left knowing that now the journey for me would be easy and that my passing was as fate had decreed, and that there was no blame, no shame, and only pride in what we had achieved.
But I�m starting at the end so I�ll write of how it was.
I remember waking in a room, it was cool and dim, with just a small opening that admitted the light and a curtain of cloth over the door way. I was still drowsy from the herbs they had given me to reduce the pain, and dark green, foul smelling liquid that had burnt my throat and stomach as I had drunk it. The pain in my abdomen was throbbing, but I knew that it would heal with time, and I would only know of it from the scars and the aching when the rains were due to come.
A man was there, a doctor I recall and I asked him of my friends of how they had fared in the battle. I knew Sumu was dead, I had seen the whistling arrow that had struck him, and the pain of his passing was within me when he fell... But of Gar I knew not, but I knew he was not dead; he would not go without saying goodbye, my brother, my love.
He came soon, concern on his face which he hid beneath his usual secret self, but I knew him better. All was not well. I asked what ailed him and he told me of the betrayal that had occurred with fire blazing in his eyes. I knew then it was over, our time and our world was ending, the battle a mere introduction to our fate, and the fate of our world. Much of this is hazy in memory � all I knew was that we had no choice. I lacked the strength to undergo the trial with my current injuries, and it was beyond bearing to watch my brother die. If I could have dispatched myself then I would have, but I had not the strength in my arms to complete the task. There was only one I trusted to do it sure and quick. One way I could spend my last moments with him in peace away from the rabble of the crowds � he knew it as did I, and when I told he walked out and left me.
I know why � I was asking too much of him. But I knew him, I had faith, I knew he would let no other take me while there was still breath in his body. The time ticked on and the sun had vanished on the horizon. It was early morning and still when he returned. I remained still to let him think that I was sleeping. I did not want him to falter now. .He came to me and sat for a while as if absorbing my soul. Then he took the knife and felt for my heart. I had to let him know that I was glad he was there and that there was nothing to fear so I opened my eyes and stared deep into his. His eyes showed the shock and pain that he was feeling and I knew then he would not do it. I spoke; I don�t know what I said. I focused my being into being mobile again, and tried to tell of what I felt, how I loved him. I placed my arms on his shoulders and pulled up so the knife slid through my ribs and into my heart.
The last thing I remember was the pain in his eyes, I struggled for words but they did not come. I�m sorry to leave you but this is right, I love you eternally and one day I�ll return to tell you how it was.
It took me a while but I did return, and I told Gar how it was.
The next memories that came to me were so much more peaceful and filled with joy. After the trauma of remembering all that I had lost, all the pain and suffering around me these memories flowed through me like the rays of the sun of a warm breezy day.
I remembered the courtyard as a child, all the noise of men training around me, the clatter of sword on sword, and wood on wood for us as children, only the men got to play with the real thing, for us it was hour upon hour of toil in the burning sun, while the sweat poured down our brows and Bu yelled at us that we were not concentrating, and playfully slapped us round the ear. Over and over we practiced, until it became like second nature, like a part of you, your body honed and poised aware of up and down, back and front, forward and behind. Reading the opponents body so time stood still, and before they could move you knew where they would strike...
Here my puny body stood me in good stead, for whilst I did not have the huge torso, I had the litheness of a snake, and for all my tiny frame the strength of a tiger. See it wasn�t just about strength but about how you could strike, with the right balance and timing you were a far more deadly machine. How I loved that time, the calm within that came from knowing inside that you could conquer your opponent as much with your mind as with your body...
But we were still boys, still children.. I remember the wonder of how the sun dappled through the trees and onto the bathing pool sparkling in the evening sun. The fragrance of the air around us, and the constant chatter and laughter in our hearts. To be in this place was to be the true servant of the gods, not that I was religious, but I was proud, and I loved the way people looked at us and treated us.. Mind disrespecters got short shrift from us � you don�t train like this to be polite to people who are brainless enough to insult you, and they were quickly dealt with.
Searching for what I�d lost
knowing in my heart it seems
That once I�d counted cost
I longed to see you once again
To touch you in this time
To take your hand and tell you
That for you I gave my life
That I had always loved you
And that I always will
That you�ll always be my brother
and to take away your guilt
It haunted me through time you know
That look within your eyes
But it was too late to tell you then
It was my time to die
So I returned to find you
To live that time once more
To give my message to you
To finish from before
But now my love I leave you
For this life is my own
You cannot walk beside me now
For I must walk alone
But brother don�t forget me
Our time may come around
Remember brother we don�t sleep
For long below the ground.