Then she was here before me the object of my love like a goddess made of light and she was saying �wake up, wake up you, man you I love you , I love you wake up�. Then all of a sudden a blinding pain struck the back of my head and the air bit my skin and my arms felt heavy and old. I counted three to myself and tried to get up and stumbled and almost fell, then I felt Suan�s hand at my elbow and she helped me stand up and hugged me. It was then that I saw she�d been crying and must of thought me dead as I lay there senseless and must have cried for me thinking she was alone again. Kohl was streaked down her face and on her hands and I hugged her too and kissed her and we stood there awhile as she told me what happened.
She told me that she�d searched the field of battle for me thinking me dead and had found me and despaired until she noticed that the blood was still flowing from my head wound. I placed my hand there and it was still wet despite the length of time that had passed. The Hittites had sacked the city she said and then had retreated back outside the walls to regroup as more and more of their countrymen joined them as their reduced strength was not enough to hold it. Many of the temples were in ruins but they had not dared to set foot inside the temple of Marduk. I looked to the hill top and to my horror realized that there was no sign of the God. They had taken the golden effigy of Marduk. I raged inside at this sacrilege and swore vengeance. My home had been defiled and all I held sacred had been stolen. My two best friends were dead and I sat down in despair at the thought of it. Suan then gave me hope, she told me that Sabi still lived. He had been badly wounded but should live with care. At news of this I smiled and looked around for weapons. There were none I could see but then Suan rushed away to a small depression and lifting a battered Hittite shield she struggled to lift something from underneath. It was one of the great bronze swords and it glittered in the sunlight. She struggled back to me under its weight and held it toward me hilt first. Holding the weapon in my hands again I felt my depression lifting and swore an oath there and then to Marduk promising vengeance.
We partly walked and partly ran back to Babylon and entered through the Ishtar gate. The great double doors were twisted off their hinges and no flowers rained down from above this time. The blue tiles around the entrance were chipped and broken and some of the figures had been defaced. With Suan following I marched back into the city my back straight and my shoulders squared. Just inside the gate to the right had been a small dwelling used as a guardpost by off duty soldiers. From inside I heard voices. Low guttural voices. Hittite voices. I walked up to the entranceway and looked inside. I saw six of the enemy who had stopped here to rest and found the wine store reserved for our men. They had got drunk I imagined and would now pay for their laziness. I ran into the room my sword swinging and hacked them to pieces where they sat. one cried something out as my spear point went into his groin and I lifted him off his feet. I smiled at him the blood coursing through my veins as I watched him squirm for the last few seconds of life. It pleased me greatly to do that as I stared into his pain wracked eyes as the life fled from his twitching body. Vengeance was mine but there was still so much more to be had. Suan was waiting for me outside, a big wonderful smile upon her face , she always loved to watch me work and took great joy in seeing the enemy�s blood sprayed across the four walls, their entrails littering the floor. �They knew who you were� she said as I emerged into the daylight �that last one you killed so finely, my man, cried out �he lives still� as you introduced him to your sword�.
The realization suddenly hit me, how could they know who I was, why would it matter. I was just one of many soldiers of Babylon, these troops should find no special meaning in me. For them to know me I must hold some special relevance. I asked Suan if she knew of any but she searched the ground and said �no�. Doubt flashed through my mind for the first time. She was lying. I knew that but I would try the subtle approach to discover the truth. I had learnt that Suan didn�t respond well to direct pressure and would come around to telling me If I would just be patient. It couldn�t be bad, I knew the last thing she would ever do was harm me or allow any of her actions to harm me. After all she owed me her life for that unselfish act so long ago. I was so certainly sure that she is loyal to me and me alone. We walked back to the temple occasionally killing straggling enemy troops on the way. It appeared that few of the civilian population had been harmed by the invaders and I gave thanks to Marduk as we entered the temple. Joffa was there arguing with the generals, shouting that the will of Marduk had passed and his strength was on the wane. This of course caused outrage and I shouted my defiance at this suggestion. At the sound of my voice Joffa turned and saw me and he visibly paled. This man felt fear at my presence and I wanted to know why. I grabbed him by the throat and lifted him from his feet. I shouted the question at him �why are you scared of me when my duty is to protect you�. �I thought you dead with the rest� he gasped and with that I released him and he fell to the floor. He jumped to his feet and walked out. �now you have another choice� he shouted over his shoulder as he left. What other option does this man speak of I growled at my commanders. �He plans sacrifice to Ea� I was told. Suan appeared at my shoulder with a word of warning �let us hope you have not just volunteered� she whispered and turned lowering her head as she did so and walked out. I stared at my generals �do you know what has happened, do you know where the god has gone, what is our next plan of action�. �We have no plan of action Gar. We are defeated. We are conquered. We are beaten�.
�you may be beaten but I am not� I replied � for me the fight goes on�. And I turned and left a great rage upon me still.
I went from there to Sabis quarters and quietly lifted the door hanging as I entered. He lay on his bed covered by a thin loose blanket. His breathing was shallow and labored with every breath but I didn�t feel the presence of death in the room. Sabi would live. He was strong and did well with previous injuries. I remembered years before the first time he was injured when we were immature, he�d recovered from that and did well from it. I pulled back the cloth and examined his wounds. He had an arrow wound in the chest, the barb removed now by one of the healers. It had been removed cleanly and there was no sign of infection. Lower down he had a sword wound in the stomach. It was messy but again there was no sign of foulness there and both these wounds together were not fatal. He would be up and about inside of a month and fully healed in two months by my reckoning. That meant that he would not miss the new year festival. The idea of it pleased me. That was what was needed now. The partying would raise the moral of the people and things could go back to the way they had been. He awoke then, my last good friend and seeing me in the dimness smiled and spoke greeting. Then the first question he asked me was �where is Marduk�. My silence to his question spoke volumes and he spoke further. �I saw them taking the god after I had been wounded. They put him on a tier and carried him off. I tried to stop them gar but there were too many and all I got was this sword thrust for my trouble.� I told him not to worry that I would make it right and bring the swift and mighty vengeance of Marduk upon all heretics. Then he asked me about sumu and again my silence spoke my answer. �He has attained Marduks peace and stands by his side smiling at us.� I told him. His face fell at the news but it was not unexpected. We both were blessed by Marduk to breathe and talk still after what had gone before. Now was the time for vengeance and I said my farewell to sabi promising to visit him soon and regularly.
I went back to my quarters where I found suan sitting on the bed waiting for me. She had been busy in my absence prying into things and had news. �they plan to sacrifice sabi during the new years celebration.� This statement hit me leaving me cold.�the ritual of Marduk� I asked and she answered positively. This was madness sabi would never endure that trial in his present condition, he couldn�t even stand. He would cry out from the pain during his martyrdom and the ritual would prove worthless.
�who�s idea is this� I asked
�it�s joffas plan� she replied �with Marduks power broken no one can refuse him�
�we shall see then� I said and went out looking for joffa.
I found him at the temple about to start his dedication to Ea. He was wearing his best robes as he always did when talking to the gods. His skin had been scrubbed and his head shaved neatly. He sat facing away from me oblivious to my presence until walking up behind him I grabbed him by the neck and pulled him to his feet. He let out a squawk at my rough handling, here was a man used to political and not physical power.
�tell me why I shouldn�t kill you right now joffa � I shouted in his face my spittle spraying his forehead �give me one good reason�
�so you�ve heard then have you Gar� he sneered �I�ll give you two good reasons, firstly if you do that then you will join sabi as a dedication to your god�.
�It would be a fare exchange� I interupted �if that�s the best you have then prepare yourself for your ending�, my hand tightening on his throat
�And secondly because if you do that then your precious suan will also join you.� He said fighting to get the words out past my crushing pressure.
�Don�t think I don�t know who she is Gar, the mysterious woman with no past, who never talks about her parents, her home, her vocation although she clearly has been trained as a temple whore for Inanna. Who you just found one day while doing your duty. That hit me then. That he could do that. There were any number of ways he could arrange that for whatever reason he desired. My hand faltered in its grip and he struggled free cursing me as he did so.
�I thought that would get your attention� he said �you�d do anything to protect her wouldn�t you Gar, anything. You�d kill anyone or anything to make sure she was safe, you�d even neglect your duty and defy your orders, oh don�t try to hide it I checked. I know who she is and she�s no little wife of Marduk is she Gar. She�s a ghost who should have died long ago. Her bones should have been scattered by the desert animals more than thirty years hence and if you get in my way now they soon will be. Its not just the Marduks who can kill souls. You are a fool�
�I know you too Joffa I replied �I showed you compassion once as I did her. You too are a walking ghost Joffa�
�oh I know all this Gar, how you killed my parents, my sisters. How you started that old saying �be good or you�ll have that Marduk watching your house� how many times do you think I heard that saying in my childhood and every time I knew. I know my origins Gar I had them repeatedly rammed into me throughout my training, to be good, be penitent, behave or that Marduk�.� He broke off with a sob. � I never knew my parents Gar, never knew my family never had a childhood and it�s all thanks to you.�
�I was doing my duty to my God and state� I shouted
�and were you obeying or disobeying orders when you spared her life too, or were you just serving yourself. Sabi must die for your failure to defend us. Its your fault Gar you caused all this as surely as if you had planned it. And now Sabi must show the people that Marduk still cares.�
�He would never pass that trial he is too badly wounded to even be considered� I said.
�Then the people will know that Marduk is gone, and change their allegiance to Ea won�t they. Your days of glory have passed Gar they lie dead and broken out on the field with your brothers, where you should be right now lying with them, now get out of my sight or she dies.� He turned and walked away and I just stood and watched him go powerless now at last after a life of power. Empty
I returned to Suan and held her. She asked me what it was that was troubling me. She�d never seen me like this before, broken, powerless and it shook her that I could be so. It shook me more I can tell you. These feelings were totally new to me, completely alien and I knew of no way to deal with them except through violence. And after what had just happened it was unlikely I would be able to expiate my feelings through that method. The new year celebrations were approaching fast and people were starting to feel better after the disaster that had happened. People were starting to forget.
The leader of the invading Hittites was still camped just outside the city walls with his army. How I wanted to go down there and run screaming at them a sword in both hands and give a final account of myself before they killed me but something held me back. Suan held me back. If I was to go then she would be defenceless before Joffas revenge. I spent my days with Sabi talking about the good times now passed and the fun we had had in our time. Towards the end of each visit we�d both get depressed remembering how so many of our friends and comrades were now dead. How we were the last two and about a week from the festival Sabi heard what had been planned for him. He took the news well considering.
�Can it be true Gar. The ritual of Marduk. Its been so long since it was done�. Longer than anyone remembered. The thought of it was mythical but the reality of it was terrifying. He would be stretched out by ropes until his sinews tore and the blood poured forth from his ruptured vessels staining the altar. Then he would be cut in two and his heart ripped out and burned. It was common knowledge that in the times before when it had been performed none of the martyrs who had been honoured by it had cried out from the pain. This was the most important aspect of the ceremony for to cry out in pain was to show signs of weakness. And marduks were not allowed to show signs of weakness. It lowered them to the level of the normal inhabitants of the city. It told people that here was a man who was affected by earthly pain. Who had proved himself worthless in the eyes of Marduk. Who had shown fear to cry from pain like that. A man that screamed debased himself in his agony, a man that didn�t proved himself god like and was afforded the rank from that point on as a great leader of men. A lord and forever after he would be called bel. Sabi was pleased that this fate had ben selected for him but he wasn�t stupid. He knew that with his injuries he would never pass the test. The populace would hear him screaming his guts out and Bel Marduk would lose face. He would no longer be regarded as the chief of gods and that privilege would revert to Ea. He was the father of the gods before Marduk and if Joffa had his way he would be again. We came up with a plan Sabi and I and made to put it into effect the night before the ritual. It was a time when the selected martyr would be left alone to his god and contemplation. A time more importantly when none would disturb us. A time when we could overturn Joffas plan with one stroke and consign his ambition to the rubbish heap. We would reinstate the confidence of the people in their great god. They would rise up against the invader and force them out and the glory days of Babylon would rise again. The sun would never set on us and we would be remembered as lords of men forever for our willing sacrifice. The only drawback to the whole plan was Suan. I was worried for her. I couldn�t go through with it unless I knew she�d be safe. I had to know that she would be well cared for and safe from any harm Joffa may throw at her. So I sought out the regular army and spoke to some of its captains. These men had always had great respect for the marduks of Babylon. Many had been in the ranks as children but were filtered out for being too weak or unstable. They had gone on to be great heroes amongst the people and stories were written about their exploits. They owed me. They owed Babylon and they owed marduk. I secured assurances that they would care for her and find her a new husband that would care for her in my name until the day that she died. I also sought assurances for another private matter. When I had those assurances I had the confidence to go through with the plan. It didn�t take long.
The night before the great festival I visited Sabi. I had a long thin blade that I had taken from suans ritual equipment. It seemed fitting. I gave the knife to Sabi who secreted it under his pillow. We talked for a while until joffa appeared at the door to gloat one last time. When he entered. I felt an overpowering urge to throttle him when he announced his presence and ordered me to leave. Sabi saw the expression on my face and whispered to me �like a lamb Gar remember, like a lamb� I rose and turned and walked out meekly my shoulders slumped in submission. Pretending that I was broken, no longer a threat to his ambition. I don�t know who was more surprised. Joffa for seeing me like that or me for believing that he swallowed it. It took every measure of my control to do that little thing. To pretend to bow to this mans authority. He clearly reveled in his new found power. He thought he had me beaten. That I had become used to the idea of defeat after the last battle. He clearly was an egotistical bastard. It struck me then that someone with so much power, who could rise so far from humble beginnings as he had could be so unbelievably stupid. He had forgotten who I was or what my name meant. He had forgotten that I was a marduk.
Suan was full of questions when I returned. She suspected something was going to happen but didn�t know what. She would have screamed the place down if she knew the truth. I managed to silence her by taking her in the usual fashion. It would be the last time I would ever do that I realized as I pulled out of her and another little piece of me died there. Never to hold her again, never to look deep into her eyes in the throes of her ecstasy, never to feel her sweet breath on my cheek as she slept. It was then that the realization of my actions hit me. Everything was at an end. Everything was ending and only a few hours separated me from meeting my God. But first I must attend Sabi and make his passing easier.
I returned to his room at the deep of night and stood in the doorway watching him. He was awake and welcomed me warmly. I entered the room and sat on his bed. We talked for a while but it was simply a way of diverting our minds from the task that I must perform next. This dreadful task that Joffa had forced upon us. Sabi said � it is time Gar I am ready� and I drew the knife from its hiding place. The moonlight shone on the blade making it seem quite deadly to my eyes and I held it up to check that the blade was still sharp. I had done this earlier when I selected the weapon but anything at this point that would take my mind off the job at hand was a welcome relief. I held the point over Sabis chest, the tip pressing his breast at the point where his heartbeat showed. � do it Gar�he said to me then �do it now�. And I looked into his eyes and remembered all the good times we had shared, how I had known this man for over fifty seasons and all the meaningful words we had exchanged as brothers. All the battles we had walked away from laughing and all the women we had shared together and my will faltered. I couldn�t do this one last merciful act when he was watching me. It was just too much. I resolved myself and steeled myself once more for the one last push that would end my only friends life. And once again my will faltered. I put down the knife expecting to hear Sabi rebuke me for my weakness and I looked at him when none came. He simply smiled and said �don�t worry Gar there are still a few hours before dawn�. When the priests would come for him and place him on a tier to transport him to the temple. �I need air my friend� I said to him � I must walk a while and contemplate my actions. I stood up slowly holding his hand and I left. I walked along the city walls for a while praying to my God for guidance. None came. My god was in the hands of the enemy and could offer me no solace at this time. It was something that I would have to do alone. It would take great courage which by that time was leaving me like water from a drain. I returned to Sabi�s quarters and once again he welcomed me warmly and once again I sat down. This time there was no idle gossip between us. Time was passing quickly and before long there would be no more time for this and our plans would be for nothing. So once again I raised the knife and looked into my old friends eyes. I saw nothing but trust and love there and in the same instant my will crumbled again and I knew that I could not do it. �I�m sorry Sabi I cannot do this� I said to him my voice starting to tremble. �don�t worry Gar everything�s going to be all right� he replied� if it is the will of Bel Marduk that I do not escape this fate then it is the will of Bel Marduk. That is all�. I think back to this moment often and wonder at the courage of this friend of mine. I had thought I was the bravest the most determined man on earth. In this moment I knew I wasn�t. I could not have done this so easily as he without remorse or regret. Without a care for myself. I made my excuses and left shamed at my own inadequacy. At my own inability to kill this one man. I had killed hundreds and thousands of men in my time. But not this one. I walked again along the walls and almost convinced myself that he was right. But the Great God had left the city. The great God was in the hands of the enemy and I knew that he had not nor could he intervene anymore while that situation remained. I went back to Sabi�s quarters to talk with him and find pitiful solace for myself. When I entered the room he was sleeping. The fatigue had finally caught him and he rested peacefully in the moonlight. I looked at him then and it was if a veil had been lifted from my eyes. I saw before me an old man, war weary and tired of the world and I took the knife in my hand and stood before him my feet planted squarely apart with my shoulders preparing for this one last thrust. It would be my final violent act in a lifetime of violence and death and I told myself I was a marduk. I was a chosen one. I would not falter my aim would be true and I would do what must be done. I placed the point of the knife over that most delicate of spots above his heart and I flexed my muscles testing them to be sure that nothing would hinder me. I closed my eyes and offered up a short prayer to Marduk that he care for my old friend and take him into his love. Then I opened my eyes and took one last look at my friends face. Great God his eyes were open and he was smiling at me. �I knew you wouldn�t let me down little killer� he whispered and in that same second I felt his hands on mine. I felt him push ever so gently as he gave me a last wink with his left eye and the blade sunk to the hilt into his chest so easily as if with no hinderance at all, like an arrow cutting through air. He stopped breathing. All in that same instant and that look he gave me burned into my soul where it remains to this day. It was a look of love and my soul filled with peace and I felt Marduks presence palpably in the room. He was here all the time waiting and watching me. Knowing as Sabi did that in the end I wouldn�t falter and that I would do what must be done, as always I had. As I always would. Now I knew that Sabi�s fate would be my own and this is the last day I would see. That soon I would be back with all my friends at Marduks side laughing and joking with them. This time I smiled as the sun rose on the horizon and I waited there until the first priest came my hands still on the knife and when he saw me there and gave a gasp and ran away I withdrew the knife ever so slowly, tenderly and placed it between my last great friends hands that he may have the weapon in the next life that awaited him. So that he would remember me and my love for him always and that in the end I had fulfilled my promise to him that Marduks power would not pass because of his pain. It was what he wanted so much, not to fail his God in his final moments of agony. I heard Joffas voice shouting in the passageway and he entered the room in an absolute fury of rage. I laughed at him and told him that he could do his worse to me. That I had protected Suan from him and that I would go willingly in Sabi�s place and that if he harmed a single hair on Suan�s head he would suffer an age of agony in this life and the next. I told him that I had arranged all this for him if he didn�t accept what had happened with dignity. And I told him that the greatest power in the land was still that of Bel Marduk and always would be now that he was powerless to stop the wheels I had set in motion with this one final act born from desperation and love. That he himself was responsible for this act because of his stupidity and ambition and that he himself would be the one who ended my life and that was as much satisfaction as I would give him. I made to leave and he barred my way other priests falling into line behind him as if these fools could ever stop a man like me. I backhanded him across the face and he fell to the floor a great sob falling from his lips. �you are a coward Joffa� I told him loudly enough that all his acolytes would hear me and I walked towards them and they parted before me falling back pressing themselves into the walls of the passageway like leaves in a storm as I strode past them my head held high and my dignity in place. These priests feared me once again the power of Joffa holding me no longer and everything felt good. Everything was right as it should be once again and I knew that this day I had done the best and most significant work of my entire life. I had restored my god to power and banished Ea to the realms of the lesser gods where he had dwelt for so long, a pretender no longer. I had restored my faith.
Suan of course wasn�t too pleased. She shouted and raged for quite some time until I pointed out that I only had a little while left before I must go. I told her of the assurances I had got and promised her that she would be well looked after. It didn�t placate her.
�All I ever wanted was you and your children Gar� she said �this is too much. We could have left here a long time ago and now we�d be happy now instead of this. An uncertain future for me and certain death for you. As far as strategies go Gar this is the worst ever.�
And then I knew the truth. Suan. Suan spoke of strategies.
�when did you start taking an interest in strategy Suan.� I asked of her �when did you ever say that word before. And to whom.� She turned away then hiding her eyes and I grabbed both her wrists and turned her to face me forcibly.� Her eyes held the truth.
�what have you done Suan� I asked her �what have you done�. I screamed at her suddenly the noise startling her. �what have you done.� And she gasped out loud.
�I did it for you, for us�. �Did what� I demanded �what did you do� my voice a whisper.
And she told me while I listened and listened, it poured out of her like a flood this secret that she held. How she had been visiting our son and together the two of them had come up with a plan. And then I told her to �stop�. �I don�t have time for this anymore suan�. I said. �and to be truthful anything you now have to say is irrelevant. Its too late to stop this now. Its too late suan. Theres no time left.�
I lay on my bed and rested. Suan lay beside me crying gently, wrapped in my arms.
�we could have just got on a ship� she said �we could have gone anywhere�.
�I couldn�t do that suan � I replied � I have always done my duty to God. I will do my duty until the end.�
�I know Gar. You�ll never change. You�ll always do what Marduk wants. I will wait for you the next time around. I will seek you out. I will find you�
�no Suan � I replied �I will find you�
I slept until they came for me, the priests. Their respect for me once again burning in their eyes. There was no sign of Joffa, I guessed he was still hiding his humiliation back at the temple and I wouldn�t see him until the ceremony which he would be officiating at. I felt no fear at all. Marduk�s peace had descended on me like a blanket stilling my anguish and silencing my heart as it would be silenced permanently soon. The soldiers who had assured me Suan�s safety arrived and took charge of her. She was a little outraged that I wouldn�t let her follow me but she soon acquiesced. I held her in my arms one last time and kissed her. I whispered into her ear �be brave, don�t worry, everything�s going to be all right� just as sabi had uttered those words a little while earlier and with that I turned and left my quarters for the last time.