I
And I lay there in the midday heat the ropes tying me absolutely straight at 90o angles so that my limbs were hyper extended the pain flaring in my head like lightning as my joints slowly dislocated and my sinews tore. I smell the incense in the brazier, its so sweet and cloying and it begins to get harder and harder to draw breath as my chest is pulled apart but still my muscles hold and in my soul the image of my love that I will take to the grave with me and hold so dear and my last words to her � be brave, don�t worry, everything�s going to be all right � and the way that I held her face oh so gently so that my claws didn�t harm her and that final lingering slow kiss as I turned and left to face my destiny lowering my head to pass through the door, oh to leave her with that image of me my back turned my head lowered walking away how shameful of me how very cold I was to her as I left her in the care of my brothers. And those eyes that I love so much filled with tears oh the sorrow oh the dignity to die like this knowing I was loved so much and that my time had finally come. And that no enemy had done me down just my own notoriety and the power that I held and the fear that I instilled in religious transgressors that they would calmly await their fate and meet their gods happily knowing that I wouldn�t falter, that my stroke would be true and that they would be over finally and they would finally get the rest their world weary bodies could never give them. Oh Great God it hurts but now I must be strong for to cry out from the pain would be a terrible sign of weakness a failure of my belief in my God and I pull at the ropes and focus on those beautiful sorrowful eyes and a strength comes from nowhere and fills my body and I rage and the ropes pull up and the priest turns to me and his face turns to water and his fear of me is palpable. And then no, no, no, it can�t be but I hear her calling my name and I know that my brothers had failed me and that they had not succeeded in keeping her away as I�d wished and she called my name and my eyes filled with tears knowing the pain she would feel to witness this and she calls my name and the crowd hush all of a sudden and a great peace descends upon me and I realize the futility of it all finally I hear her screaming in the stillness and she cries my name once more �gar djon� and the hated priest whispers in my ear �no more gar djon now bel gar djon� and he sneers at me and I know it is over my woman is lost and I am on my journey and I scream a terrible last futile scream which silences the crowd completely and they all hear me and it rocks their souls as they realize that I was just a man after all, as the blade descends and slices my straining body in two and my God Marduk they�ve taken my legs they�ve taken my legs and then a blanket descends.
And then there was a blinding light and a sound of thunder and I found myself rising from the remains of my mutilated body. Smoke rose from a brazier, I knew it was my heart that was the source of it and the horror of it propelled me upwards and I fled the scene not knowing what had happened to me and how I still lived . Complete acceptance of my situation flooded through my being and I rose higher and higher into the sky until the few sparse clouds were far below me. Knowledge filled my head and I realized it all. How it had all fixed together, my son�s resentment which had led him to the ultimate betrayal, Suan�s secret visits to him and the fact that she too knew what was going to happen and how this had been the basis for our argument on the day of the last battle and in the same second that this knowledge was assimilated I forgave them all. Earthly intrigues no longer seemed to concern me and I drifted for a while high above the earth. Far below I could see the two great rivers running through the country which appeared as of the colour and consistency of gruel. Time passed and I wasn�t aware of it. But something nagged at my conscience, right at the back of my mind a small gleaming gem. That was all that remained of my former hopes and desires. A small nugget of concentrated feeling. Once I found it there I prodded at it and it grew larger. It swelled alarmingly and a second of panic flitted through me. Then it fractured and the light poured forth filling me completely, warming my soul with its heat and I realised that it was the love that I had inside me still and it powered me and motivated me and drove me back to earth searching for her. I saw a procession taking progress in the main street at its head the king. Samu shorn of his hair and beard by the invading army and dragged through the streets powerless. Suan wasn�t in the crowd nor in our old quarters in the temple, that left one place she would be, the desert. I was there seconds later searching trying to see her from up high and then right on the edge of my hearing I heard someone calling my name softly. From a seemingly great distance and I recognized the voice instantly and sped towards it. Then I saw her, lying not moving nearby to an oasis and I closed in on her and looked down. She was dying of exposue. She had walked here through the desert without food, without water . she had struggled to reach this her favourite spot where she had always felt at peace. Then when she had got here she had laid herself down in the full glare of the sun and she had waited. She was saying over and over �I love you gar, don�t leave me, I love you gar don�t leave me� and I realized that she was very close to the end and I reached for her with my essence and surrounded her with the love I had for her and she gave a small gasp, a faint smile played across her lips and then she died. The shock of it slammed into me and in that second of her passing time stretched. She lay there on the soft brown earth and i watched her one last time lying on her tummy, her right arm under her head her left by her side but her chest no longer rising and falling gently as it used to. Her white hair splayed out on the ground and I thought of the countless times I watched her lay like this before and a great sadness filled my soul. She wouldn�t be awaking in the morning. She would never again look into my eyes and smile at me. No more kisses, no more hugs, no more sweet laughter. No more walks in the rain, no more lovemaking. Suan had gone. I knew that her mortal remains no longer contained her essence but I couldn�t leave her. She lay in the sun and through the next night as I watched her and then through another and still I couldn�t leave. I spent many months in that spot until even her earthly remains had gone. Back to the dust they had sprung from. Maybe it was years until I came back to myself. The ground she had lain on was brown and new shoots were pushing their way through it and realizing that there were no earthli remains of the woman I loved to guard I left. I soared above the desert and far off saw a small village. The small houses had life in them and I was drawn to it though I don�t know why. I still had my love inside filling me and as I came closer to one of the homes I saw a small intriguing bowl on the sill of an open window. It had an ornate spiral pattern with many symbols painted on it and I tried to read them. At first it was almost impossible to decipher but the longer I stared at it the more I thought I understood. I followed the pattern around the inside of the bowl and seemed to be drawn in to it so that my spirit became sucked down along the spiral then blackness.
I remember no more after this.