Put on your strength, O Zion,
Put on your beautiful garments,
O Jerusalem, the holy city,
For there shall no more come into you
The uncircumcised and the unclean.
Shake yourself from the dust, arise,
O captive Jerusalem;
Loose the bonds from your neck,
O captive daughter of Zion
(Is 52,1-2)
I like very much Henri Nouwen�s concept of �wounded healer� expressing that once we receive healing from our wounds we ourselves can become source of healing for others. A wounded healer knows by experience suffering and has greater empathy, understanding and patience toward others. The healing one has experienced makes him or her also testimony and sign of hope for the neighbor. On the other side, it seems true that the best way to maintain our gift of healing and to grow in wholeness is to share it with somebody else.
The wounded healer by excellence is Jesus Christ, to whom the first letter of Peter refers the words of Isaiah of the suffering servant of God: �By his wounds you have been healed� (1Pt 2,24; see Is 53). It is significant that the risen Christ appears with the wounds and the disciples recognize him just by these. Here we are at the mystery of salvation.
We grow a hard surface, a defense mechanism around our innermost wounds to protect ourselves so that these points could not be touched. On the other part, our vision of ourselves and the rest of the world is influenced by the wounds, which means many times distorted or falsified image of self and of the realty. Sometimes it is possible to heal these wounds and have a healthier self- and world - image. There are however lesions that remain for all life. Also, there are defense mechanisms that cannot be removed because the record is too painful for the psyche to bear it. If we know these and accept the fact that we have these distortions we can learn to live with them a better life, and also the wounds will integrate somehow in the great story of our life, which is always story of salvation. For a long time I suffered from a depressing feeling of the reality as meaningless, gray, oppressing, boredom. I had fear of the future, not being capable to direct my life, which was anyway not worth to live. I felt myself not loved and not loving, as if I would be very bad in the depths and every kind thing I tried to do was suspicious as showing false face to the world. Now I think about this as manifestations of the same central wound I had when little child. As my parents divorced practically when I was born, then my father left the country for political reasons and I was grown by my grandparents, I felt myself as non wanted, non loved. This feeling influenced my self-image and vision of the world, even if now I know that I was loved and wanted by my familiars. Many times, I think little children interpret the reality, the actions and words of the adults differently from the intention of them and can become hurt even in the most loving, accepting, and �normal� family. The first great change and step toward a healing for me was to awaken for the existence of God.
because all is truth�
(Dostojevskij, Brothers Karamazov, p. 270)
It was in May when doing my job I walked in the downtown. It was a warm day. It was so warm that when arrived nearby the cathedral I decided to enter, remembering that in big churches should be cool. I sat there two or three hours experiencing great comfort and peace, which was unusually good. During the next months of summer it became my habit to enter churches which were open to sit there for a while. It was already October when sitting there as usual, in a moment it became clear that God is there, and he loves me as nobody else. I felt this presence and overwhelming love, and answered with joy and relief. For some reason this words came in my mind: �Everything is true!� I think that meant the acceptance of the faith and the Church in which I was raised as child. Interestingly many years later I have found the quote from Dostojevskij giving a deeper meaning to this words�
With this great awakening moment began my adventure with God, and a long series of different awakenings followed this first one. Each of this moments meant more life, more healing and more peace � even if none was as fundamental as the first. Many things changed and I went on ways in different directions but that first awakening remained the decisive in my life, the beginning of everything else after. I still hope to receive the gift of many awakenings, as still am needy of healing and becoming more understanding and more loving.