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The Cowboy A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he saw that his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking, and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "All right, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas!" And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and got ready to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home." |
| Heaven A guy just died and is standing at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafing through a big book to see if the guy is worthy. St. Peter goes through the book several times and furrows his brow. "You know, I can't see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one really good deed, you're in." The guy thinks for a moment. "Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of biker gang members assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em ripping the clothes off this terrified young woman. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, walked up to the leader of the gang -- a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the biker gang members formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Laid him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'" St. Peter, impressed, says, "Really? When did this happen?" "Oh, about two minutes ago." |
| American Indian Wisdom An old Cherokee Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the U.S. government officials sent to interview him. "Chief," one official began, "you have observed the white man for 90 years. You have observed his wars and his material wealth. You have seen his progress and the damage he has done..." The Chief nodded that it was so. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?" The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied: "When white man found the land, Indians were running it with no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver. Women did all the work, medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing, all night making love to the women." The Chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that?" |