| A Survivor's Letter |
| "How are you?" has become a frequently asked question in my life. I pretty much aslways say "fine", but that is a lie. How else should I answer though? I don't feel like going into the long description of what I am constantly feeling. I don't think people expect me to either. They ask just so I know they haven't forgotten about me, which is nice but they should know how I am doing. So, how am I doing? No, I am not fine. I will never be fine ever again in my life. I will be dealing. I deal with what happened to my brother everyday. Sometimes I am angry, sometimes I am depressed, and sometimes I have so many emotions going on that I don't know what I am. But I am never "fine". I'll admit to my happy moments with my sons. I'll even admit there are moments that I smile and moments that I laugh. But that doesn't mean I am "fine"...that means that means I am dealing. That means that I understand death being a part of life. That means that I will survive and I will live, and take care of my sons, and have my happy moments with them, but that does not mean that I am "fine". Just because my face is not smeared with tears, just because I am not telling someone of my hurt, just because I am not screaming, does not mean that I am "fine"! It means I am living. That is all I can do. That is all I will do until the day I go home to be with God, and all my loved ones. My sons need me too much right now and for the rest of their lives for me to crack up, but I am definitely not "fine". So just because I can hold a conversation, smiling , listening, or breathing for that matter does not, and NEVER will mean I am "fine". That is how I am doing, so don't ask. I am telling everyone now, I am hurting, crying, aand angry at times. I have so many emotions that I cannot describe them all. But don't worry about me, don't think that I will not make it because God let me. I find it sweet that anyone should ask how me or my family is doing, and I appreciate it. Do not think that I am ungrateful. I would just rather not be asked, because in all honesty, I cannot take it. All I can say is thank God that I am breathing and my sons are here. I thank God that my mother smiled for a brief moment. I thank God that I have leared to appreciate my family and friends and their company more. But please understand I am not "fine", nor will I ever be. So if I say "I'm fine", just take it as "do you have a lifetime to listen or "As good as I am going to be given my situation, or "Don't ask". Better yet, instead of asking "How are you doing?".........just smile. That is all I need to know you are thinking of me. That is all I need to know you said a prayer for me. That is all I need. Marci Kay sister to Chris Perieda "Kingws6" 8/31/80 - 8/31/00 |
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