How many children do you have? That seems like such a simple question, doesn't it? But it isn't for me, not anymore. I always answer the same "We're expecting #4". Sometimes the person then asks, "How old are your others?" and that's the moment I both long for yet dread. I long for it because just like any mother I love talking about my children. I dread it because I know all too well the look the other person will have on his face when I say, "And we have one angel in Heaven". Then the awkwardness begins. The other person doesn't know what to say. I don't want to make him uncomfortable. I don't want him to pity me, but I am not going to fail to mention Sydney just because I might make someone else feel bad. I would feel even worse if I didn't include Sydney.
Our precious daughter Sydney Grace was born on September 17, 2000. She was early, only 29 weeks gestation. We had known for 10 weeks that she had serious health problems and would probably either be stillborn or die shortly after birth. We hoped, prayed, and pleaded for a miracle, but the miracle we longed for didn't happen. Sydney was diagnosed with osteogenesis imperfecta type 2, also known as brittle bone disease. Almost all of Sydney's little bones were fractured when she was born. She had also suffered fractures while in my belly that healed improperly. I can't describe the grief and guilt I still feel knowing our daughter was hurt and suffered pain while inside me, the one place she should have been safe.
Sydney was with us for 5 days, 6 hours, and 31 minutes. We will forever cherish the time we spent with her. We got to spend time reading to her, singing special songs, and telling her we loved her. We had to squeeze a lifetime of love into just 5 short days. But I am so grateful we had those 5 days. Although Sydney is no longer with us, no one can take away our memories. No one can erase from my memory her black, black curly hair, her beautiful blue eyes, the deep dimple she had in her chin, the way she responded when she heard my voice, or Daddy's, or big sister Kelsea's.
The day Sydney died, September 22, was so bittersweet. Due to her broken bones, we weren't able to hold her much, but we were able to hold her that day. I am so thankful that as she was taking her last breaths Mommy was able to hold her, comfort her, to let her know the angels were waiting on her and soon she would be free from pain. I rocked her and kissed her and told her over and over again how much I loved her. Daddy was there to let her know how much she meant to him. And I was able to get a picture of me holding both of my girls in my lap. Then Sydney took her last breath and we knew she was in Heaven.
So, in a way, our prayers were answered and our miracle did occur. Sydney wasn't hurting anymore. Her broken body was healed. No, this isn't how we wanted God to answer our prayers but He answered them just the same. As much as I long to have Sydney here, to have all of my children together -- her big sister and her two younger siblings she has never met -- I know it is selfish of me to wish Sydney back to a life of pain. How can I wish for her to leave pure happiness? I can't. Yes, I do want Sydney here but I'm so thankful that I know she's safe. I know she's taken care of. I know she wants for nothing. What more could a mother want for her child? And I know that one day we will all be together. We'll be able to hold Sydney and tell her once again how much we love her, and this time we will have eternity to spend with her. |
