AfterSydney

I got pregnant again very quickly after Sydney died. Six weeks later to be exact. No, it wasn't planned. We were very excited but scared to death. That pregnancy was filled with worry. I worried because I had had a classical incision on my uterus with Sydney. That put me at a higher risk for a uterine rupture. I worried about OI. I worried about PROM. I worried about my mental state as I dealt with not only mourning our daughter but also with pregnancy hormones. I worried and worried and worried. My water broke at 34 weeks. Nathaniel Christopher was born a very healthy fella. He did require oxygen for about 24 hours but that was all. He was allowed to come home just a few days later.

When Nathaniel was 8 months, I found out I was pregnant again. Again, a happy surprise. Once again I worried. I had the same worries I had had with Nathaniel with a few more thrown in. I worried about having a third c-section in just a little over two years. I worried about caring for a 4-year-old, 16-month-old, and a newborn. My water broke with Adam at 36 weeks. He, too, was healthy and just required a little oxygen. He left the hospital when I did.

When Adam had just turned two, I had another positive pregnancy test. Yes, once again, a happy surprise. Worry again. This time, not unfounded. I knew something wasn't right from the beginning. Several ultrasounds did not show what they should. My hcg levels were not rising. I was spotting. Miscarrying Riley was inevitable. He/she was with us for a little over 8 weeks.

Brian wanted to stop. No more babies. No more worry. No more. I couldn't. Before Riley, I had been on the fence about another baby. Losing Riley made me realize I had to try again. Yes, I would worry. Yes, I would now also add the worry of miscarriage to the list. But our family wasn't complete. I miscarried Riley in January. I got pregnant with Grace in July. Let the worry begin. When I was about 32 weeks pregnant with her, they discovered I had low amniotic fluid. I was hospitalized for a few hours until they could get the level up to an acceptable level by IV fluids. For the next couple of weeks, I had several more ultrasounds, biophysical profiles, and non-stress tests. My fluid level never did get to a comfortable level. One day shy of 35 weeks, I was hospitalized again. This time the dr recommended delivery. We opted to wait one more day to check and see if the levels would rise with IV fluids again. Nope. Grace Ann was born at exactly 35 weeks. She was as healthy as she could be and came home from the hospital when I did.

I think about Sydney every day. Every single day.I don't cry as much anymore but there are days where I feel as if all of this just happened yesterday. I still have good days and bad days. I suppose I always will. It's still hard for me to see baby girls, little girls that look to be the age Sydney would be now, or sisters that are the same number of years apart as Kelsea and Sydney. I still get nervous when someone announces a pregnancy and I pray all will go well. Occasionally, I still have some feelings of anger and ask God "Why?" I still don't understand why this tragedy had to happen to our famliy. I don't think I will ever understand.

Each holiday includes a trip to the cemetery for our family. I used to go every day. Now I don't go there often enough and that makes me feel guilty. We celebrate Sydney's birthday every year by decorating her grave, sending her balloons, and baking a cake. Our family also goes out to eat in honor of her birthday. Each year my parents and Brian's parents take turns hosting a birthday dinner in memory of our daughter. We have been blessed with families that have been and continue to be very supportive.

It does get easier. I don't know how. It just does. Yet I will never stop longing for the day that I will get to hold my daughter again. Heaven is now that much sweeter.