"What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?"
"When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911."
"When humor goes, there goes civilization."
"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me."
"When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or not. You're going to get it anyway."
"Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother."
"You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you in the eye, and ask if anybody's home."
"You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates."
"Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other."
"House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad."
"Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity."
