A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Conciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.
Editing is a rewording job.
Make yourself at home...clean my kitchen.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
I'm just working here until a good fast food job opens up.
Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done.
(This one's for you Aunt Betty!)
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Is it time for your medication or mine?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck.
How do I set the laser printer to stun?
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert...
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
Suburbia: where they tear out trees
and then name the streets after them.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize
that you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
I pretend to work, they pretent to pay me.
I majored in liberal arts. Would you like fries with that?
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.