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Dear Kalen, |
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September 22nd, 2002 |
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It's almost your birthday and I'm not sure what to do. Life has been so lonly without you. I miss you so very much Kalen and it kills me that I wasn't there with you more often. I'm doing my best to be there for your mom and your big brother, to look after them and help all I can. I have Braden here a few nights a week and he talks about you all the time, as if you are still with us. Its hard at times, but maybe he does see you and you are still with us, watching over all of us now. Everytime I think of you, I feel so lost. I'm scared I'm going to forget you, the way you smiled, the way you cried and the way you would just look up at me as if you knew I'd never let anything happen. I couldn't stop this, I don't think anyone could, thats what makes it even harder. You should be crawling, trying to walk, getting into everything imanginable. You might even be talking, possibly saying my name. I love you so much Kalen, I just wish I could have told you that before you left, had one last chance. The last day I saw you was Christmas Day, taking pictures at your grandma's, just holding you as much as possible. You fell asleep in my arms that day, I was and still am so proud to be your auntie. I remember the call that morning, they told me you were gone. I didn't believe it, didn't know to cry or anything. I was scared, worried about your mom, and everyone else. I was going to come see you the following day, Why couldn't I have just come that day, the day before. I would give anything just to be able to see you once more, hold you. I thank god for every moment we had with you and would not trade the pain for even one of those moments. Kalen, you will always be my nephew, in my arms or in heaven. I love you more than life itself. I just hope and pray that I'll be able to hold you again one day, to just hold you, never let go. I was the last person to hold you, even though you were already gone, it just helped me to feel closer to you, to know that I'll be able to be with you again one day, that you would never forget me. You were just so young, it scares me to think that you may not remember me... but, I know you won't. I am just so confused, so many things don't make sense anymore. Its not fair that you aren't with us, its not fair that your mom has to go through so much hurt. I'm really worried about her Kalen, I'm doing all I can to get her the support she needs. She misses you so much, we all do. Grandma hurts so bad and grandpa, well, I think a part of him left with you. I've never seen so much pain, so much love for such a little one. You knew that though, you knew how much you were loved and needed. You were here for such a short time, but did so much, showed us so much.
I love you Kalen, I always will. I'll always remember you, the love I felt and the pain. It's made me who I am.
Love always and forever,
Auntie Betty |
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March 6th, 2003 |
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It has now been a year since you left us. One full year without you. One full year without watching you crawl, without you walking, without hearing your first words and most of all, without yuor sweet smile. I miss your crying, I miss you. I didn't know what to do, to let you know how much I love you. I burned candles for you, I sent a letter to you in heaven. I try to remember you, Kalen, but sometimes I can't. I can't remember your smell anymore. it scares me. There are parts of you I will never be able to forget. Our first and only Christmas together, the day I took you and Braden to get your pictures done. Everyone tries to tell me to focus on the happy times, not to turn them into sad times. Its so very hard at times. I would never change any of the times we had, except to maybe make more out of them.
You are going to be a big brother soon Kalen, look after this new little one soon to be. JUst know, the new baby will never ever replace the love we had and will always have for you.
You are still my nephew Kalen, in heaven or on earth. I'm still a very very proud auntie. I share you with everyone I can. I may not think of you as often as I should, its just so hard. I've never been good with emotions and losing you hit home to a place I never knew I had.
I will love you for all of my life and all of eternity.
Auntie Betty |
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March 27, 2004 |
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Kalen,
It has been a very long time since I have written, But, never think I have forgotten you for a single moment Last I wrote you were going to be a big brother, and now, you are. Kaitlyn was born just before yur second birthday, and I am sure you hand picked her for us, told her about all of us. From the day she was born, she knew exactly who everyone was, it was your gift to us.
On your angel day this year, a friend brough me blue roses, she knew they were 'our' flower. They helped me throguh the day, and it was something I'll never get used to. I am still angry, hurt. I want you here. I want your mom not to feel the loneliness, I want all the other angels back home. Two long years you have been gone, two long years of missing you crawl, walk, talk, your first tooth, your first boo boo. I missed out on so much when you were here, and it kills me that I will forever miss out on you.
Kalen, I just don't know what to do at times, I feel scared, alone, and others I feel as if the world is perfect... then, I feel more miserable than ever, because it never will be perfect again, you aren't here.
Just please, take care of all the new angels, and more than anything, please look out for Kaitlyn. She needs both of her big brothers. I will always make sure she knows of her big brother in Heaven, someone to be more proud of than anything. Not something to be quiet about, you hand picked her for us, you brought her to us for healing, you knew it was time.
Love forever and always,
Auntie Betty |
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