Disclaimer: I can take credit for none of these jokes. If you think they are not funny, inaccurate, or politically incorrect, I apologize, but they are for entertainment purposes only.
God's Diet Plan
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach
and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy
lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent
double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man
said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so
fair.
And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored
sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese. And there was
ice cream for dessert. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to
cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak from Cracker Barrel so big it needed its own
platter. And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to
change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the
potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and
deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote
control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It
is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed, and created quadruple bypass surgery, angioplasties, and stints...
And Satan created HMO's.
*********************************************************************
My Dog Named
Sex
Everybody I
know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine
Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the
dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I
would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he
didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex
since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong
boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have
Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But
Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said
he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told
him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the
Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.
When my wife
and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I
told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said
that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ...
Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I
entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another
contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex
in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't
understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife
and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your
Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge
said, "Same here!"
Last night
Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me
what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for
Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now
I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I
ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the
psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex
has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can't live any
longer being so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should
understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog."
*********************************************************************
A new priest
at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor
how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on
the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I
take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the
sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return
to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the
vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not
12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not
10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not
constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus
Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy
Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not
kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock
and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross
as the "Big T."
11) When Jesus broke the bread at
the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not
say "Eat me."
12) The Virgin Mary is not called
"Mary with the Cherry".
13) The recommended grace before
a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling
contest at St. Taffy's.
*********************************************************************
Appropriate Insults
*********************************************************************
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a .45 revolver. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife," the man said. "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Six shots were heard, one shot after another. The agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
*********************************************************************
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the
door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger standing in a pouring
down rain is asking for a push.
"Not a chance" says the husband - "It's three o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was it?" asks his wife. "Just a
drunken stranger asking for a push" he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"NO, I didn't - it's three in the morning and raining cats and dogs out there!"
"Well you've got a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about
three months ago when we broke down on vacation and those two guys helped us? I think you
should help him."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out
into the dark.
"Hello -- are you still there?"
"Yes," comes the answer.
"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing" the drunk replies.
*********************************************************************
A licensed counselor was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and
their small children...
"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You
are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests
itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in
your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers,
"Come on, Dick, we're leaving."
*********************************************************************
The Debate Over Jesus' Nationality
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH
- He went into his father's business
- He lived at home until he was 33
- He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH
- He never got married
- He was always telling stories
- He loved green pastures
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN
- His first name was Jesus
- He was bilingual
- He was always being harassed by the authoorities
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN
- He talked with his hands
- He had wine with every meal
- He worked in the building trades
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK
- He called everybody "brother"
- He couldn't get a fair trial
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN
- He never cut his hair
- He walked around barefoot
- He started a new religion
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN
- He had to feed a crowd, at a moments' nottice, when there was no food
- He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
- Even dead, he had to get up because theree was more work for him to do
*********************************************************************
The Top 15 Rejected Self-Help Books
15. Winning Through Whining
14. The Artist's Way at Home: Living Off Your Parents -- Twelve Weeks to Financial
Dependency
13. I'm OK, You Suck Big-Time
12. "It's a Dead Thing!" -- Martha Stewart's Guide to Funerals
11. Dogs are from Neptune and Cats are from Hell
10. Face It: Mental Health Isn't for Everyone
9. Using Self-Doubt to Overcome Good Health
8. Boogers for Fun *and* Profit!
7. Perspire Away Pounds by Sweating the Small Stuff
6. Bitch-Slap Yourself Skinny!
5. Drink And Grow Rich
4. Stop Molesting Your Inner Child!
3. The Couch Potato's Guide to Becoming a TV-Watchin' Tub o' Lard
2. Tequila Shots for the Soul
1. Men Are From Mars! We're #1! Go Mars! We're Gonna Kick Your Ass, Venus!
*********************************************************************
Top 10 Signs You Won't Be Qualifying for the U.S. Olympic Team
10) Keep accidentally burning your wrestling opponents with your cigarette
9) When you hear the starter's pistol, you ball up like a frightened armadillo
8) Boxing opponents get their gloves caught in your stomach
7) Whenever you enter a locker room, people automatically hand you their towels
6) The only aspect of weight lifting you have any talent for is the grunting
5) Can't fit thighs between the parallel bars
4) Duck, Duck, Goose not yet an Olympic event
3) When you relay partner tries to take the baton, you shout, "Screw you--get your
own stick!"
2) Refuse to wear a team uniform because you're paranoid somebody will steal your street
clothes
1) When you get out of bed in the mornings, you have trouble nailing the dismount
*********************************************************************
Riddling One-Liners
How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.
How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho
Path.
What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall? Dam!
What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice Too Long? Polaroid's
What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't Work? A Stick.
What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.
What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.
What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.
What Do You Call A Cow That Has Just Given Birth? De-Caffeinated.
What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire?
Frostbite.
What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous
Wreck.
Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right Where You Left Him.
Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers.
Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The
Dog.
What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.
Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
How is A Arkansas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer!
*********************************************************************
99.9 Percent
If 99.9% is good enough then...
* 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
* 114,500 mismatched pairs of shoes will be shipped/year.
* 18,322 pieces of mail will be mishandled/hour.
* 2,000,000 documents will be lost by the IRS this year.
* 2.5 million books will be shipped with the wrong covers.
* Two planes landed at Chicago's O'Hare airport will be unsafe every day.
* 315 entries in Webster's Dictionary will be misspelled.
* 20,000 incorrect drug prescriptions will be written this year.
* 880,000 credit cards in circulation will turn out to have incorrect cardholder
information on their magnetic strips.
* 103,260 income tax returns will be processed incorrectly during the year.
* 5.5 million cases of soft drinks produced will be flat.
* 291 pacemaker operations will be performed incorrectly.
* 3056 copies of tomorrow's Wall Street Journal will be missing one of the three
sections... now that's a real problem!
*********************************************************************
The Ten Commandments (Laodicean Recension)
1. I am the Lord thy God; thou shouldst consider me relatively important.
2. Thou shouldst not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain, unless thou art really
ticked off and can't think of another way to let off steam.
3. Once in a great while thou shouldst take a break and listen to what I have to say--not
that thou necessarily hast to take my advice, though.
4. Honor thy father and thy mother, except when thou art blaming them for thine own
dysfunction.
5. Thou shouldst not kill; neither shouldst thou consider it necessary to go out of thy
way to help people in need.
6. Thou shouldst not commit adultery, unless thou canst call it "serial
monogamy."
7. Thou shouldst not steal in such a way as to get caught.
8. Thou shouldst not bear false witness against thy neighbor, except as a way to avoid
dealing with thine own issues.
9. Thou shouldst not covet thy neighbor's possessions, unless they really will help thee
find personal fulfillment.
10. Thou shouldst not covet thy neighbor's spouse without provocation.
*********************************************************************
Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the
line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number
to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are
holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
*********************************************************************
18 Ways To Annoy the Person Sitting Next To You On a Flight
18. Find common interests. Ask, "Are you in the Witness Protection Program too?"
17. Tell your fellow passenger that you just heard the bathrooms were out-of-order. Then
pause and say, "Did you know that peanuts are a natural diuretic?" Smile.
16. Call the stewardess "nurse".
15. Sport a kamikaze helmet and goggles. Speak in a low voice into a hand held tape
recorder: "Today's date, December 7th, 1941. I was not able to command my own
personal plane but success shall still be ours...."
14. Yell out, "John Lithgow is on the wing!"
13. Speak in Spelling Bee-eese: "Hello. H-e-l-l-o. Hello. Nice weather we're having
isn't it? Weather. W-e-a-t-h-e-r. Weather."
12. Start singing the Shari Lewis theme, "This is the song that never ends, it just
goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and
they'll continue singing it forever just because, this is the song that never
ends...." Suddenly realize that you can never stop singing. Become very panicky.
Scrawl "Help me" on a piece of paper and hand it to the person sitting next to
you. Claw at your throat and thrash around in the seat. Never stop singing.
11. Continually offer to share your "Beano".
10. Decorate. Bring a scatter rug and tiny draperies. Hang a "Home Sweet Home"
plaque on the back of the seat in front of you. Invite your fellow passengers in for tea.
9. Suddenly remember that you left your iron on. Ask if the pilot would mind going back so
you can check.
8. Bring your computer keyboard without a monitor. Place it on your lap. Stare into the
palm of your hand. Wait. Push the return key a few times. Yell out "Yes! Alright! I
told them I didn't need a laptop!" Plug the headphones into your nostril and play
DOOM.
7. Bring a duffel bag packed with pipe cleaners, styrofoam balls, construction paper, etc.
Organize a "Kraft Korner". Make a craft likeness of the person sitting next to
you. Give yourself an "F".
6. Say, "Did you know every time a plane crashes, an angel gets its wings?" Then
sigh and stare dreamily into the clouds.
5. Snap Polaroids of him or her. Pull out an empty photo album and arrange the pictures
inside it. Tuck the album under your jacket and say, "You know, in some cultures they
believe that when you take a person's photograph...you own their soul...," while
smiling maniacally.
4. Bring a cellular phone. Call God and Say, "The reception is much clearer up
here...."
3. Speak in an incredibly fake Australian accent. Call the person "mate". Tell
them you're not used to seeing the sky, since you are from "Down Under". Keep
repeating quotes from "Crocodile Dundee," such as "That's not a knife!
That's a knife!", until they are forced to yell at you that you are not Australian.
Call them prejudiced.
2. Bring a "Word-a-Day" calendar on board with you. Read every single word aloud
and attempt to use it in a sentence. Use them all incorrectly. "My, you have a very
irate home,' she said governessly."
1. Lean back in your seat, fold your arms behind your head and exclaim, "Thank God
for auto-pilot, eh?"
*********************************************************************
MORE ONE-LINERS
Did you hear about the new pirate movie? It's rated "Arghh!"
What did the traffic light say to the the other traffic light? Don't look I'm
changing!!!!!!!!!
For some the glass is half full. For others the glass is half empty. For me the glass is
twice as big as it needs to be.
Q: Why did the cucumber blush? A: Because it saw the salad dressing!
*********************************************************************
Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes
[English phrase] -- [Chinese Translation]
Are you harboring a fugitive? -- Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P. -- Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man -- Dum Gai
Small Horse -- Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? -- Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table. -- Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift. -- Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here. -- Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? -- Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution.-- Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet. -- Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. -- No Pah King
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? -- Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright. -- Yu So Dum
I got this for free. -- Ai No Pei
I am not guilty. -- Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer. -- Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was for next week. -- Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived. -- Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight. -- Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile. -- Wa Shing Ka
Your body odour is offensive. -- Yu stin ki pu
*********************************************************************
The Top 15 Signs You've Hired The Wrong Marriage Counselor
15. Degree on the wall reads "Doctor of Swingology."
14. "I'm afraid there's not much you can do with a penis that small."
13. Her latest book: "Women Are From Venus, Men Are Lyin' Bastards"
12. "Just shut up and screw" doesn't seem like very good advice.
11. After you've earned enough "session points", you get to choose either a
Louisville Slugger or a Tazer gun.
10. When you and your spouse claim sexual incompatibility, he throws a couple
of pillows on the floor and says, "Prove it."
9. "Communication, schmunication - let's talk about 'backdoor love'..."
8. "Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Dr. Ike Turner will see you now."
7. You quickly discover that his motto, "Don't worry, be happy" is pretty much
the extent of his knowledge of the English language.
6. Always takes Hillary's side.
5. In order to open the lines of communication, she begins the first session by
hooking your genitals up to a car battery and tossing your wife the keys.
4. Agrees with husband that a request to "honk on Bobo" is foreplay enough.
3. "Mrs. Jones, I believe your husband is correct. Youare a whiny bitch."
2. Her last name has six hyphens.
.... And the #1 sign you've hired the wrong Marriage Counselor is:
1. Keeps repeating, "If you can't change course, you must divorce."
*********************************************************************
Top Ways to Get Thrown Out of A Chemistry Lab
1. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others
2. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, "Does this taste funny to
you?"
3. Consistently write three atoms of potassium as "KKK."
4. When it's very quiet, suddenly cry out, "My eyes!"
5. Deny the existence of chemicals.
6. Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says exactly the way he/she
says it.
7. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulfuric
acid
8. Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an interest in federal
buildings.
*********************************************************************
George Carlin Strikes Again
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become
disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people fromHolland called Holes?
3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents
in . . . what happens to the other penny?
8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race
car not called a racist?
12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it
be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians
can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get
older; then it dawned on me . . . they're cramming for their
final exam.
21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny littlespoons and forks, so I
wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to
do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the
postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here
for?
24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
25. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next doorwent nuts.
28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
30. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian
water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
31. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a
swimming pool?
32. OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and theTampa
Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee
Titans ?
33. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
34. There are three religious truths: 1.) Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 2.)
Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. 3.) Baptists
do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
*********************************************************************
THINGS TO SAY WHEN STRESSED AT WORK!
1. "Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you".
2. "You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing".
3. "Well this day was a total waste of make-up"
4. "Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?"
5. "Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."
6. "Do I look like a people person?"
7. "This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting"
8. "I started out with nothing and still have most of it left"
9. "Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose"
10. "I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years."
11. "Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."
12. "Do they ever shut up on your planet?"
13. "I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"
14. "Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep
yet"
15. "Back off!! You're standing in my aura."
16. "Don't worry. I forgot your name too."
17. "I work 45 hours a week to be this poor."
18. "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."
19. "Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"
20. "Chaos, panic and disorder ... my work here is done."
21. "Ambivalent? Well yes and no."
22. "You look like shit. Is that the style now?"
23. "Earth is full. Go home."
24. "Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?"
25. "I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert."
26. "A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."
27. "You are depriving some village of an idiot."
28. "If assholes could fly, this place would be a fucking airport"
*********************************************************************
A gastroenterologist/proctologist claims that these are actual comments made by his
patients made while he was performing Colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"
5. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up
there?"
6. "You know, in some states, we're now legally married."
7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey
Pokey...."
9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
10."If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
*********************************************************************
TOP 17 BUMPER STICKERS YOU WOULD LIKE TO SEE
17. Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an asshole.
16. Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
15. The proctologist called...they found your head.
14. Everyone has a photographic memory...some just don't have any film.
13. Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
12. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
11. I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.
10. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
9. Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
8. Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people “Everybody But
Me."
7. Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.
6. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
5. If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
4. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
3. Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.
2. Hang up and drive!!
1. Welcome to America...now speak English
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When I die, I want to die like my grandmother, who died peacefully in her sleep. Not
screaming like all the passengers in her car. -Author Unknown
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young man was sitting in class when the professor asked him if he knew what the Roe vs.
Wade decision was. He sat quietly, pondering this very profound question. Finally, after
giving it a lot of thought, he sighed and said, "I think this was the decision George
Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day 30,000 to a
man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because a woman has to say
everything twice. The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so
beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be
attracted to you!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier
discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As
they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."
*********************************************************************
In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an
acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just
heard about your friend?"
"Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like
you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend,
it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first
filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is
true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me
about my friend something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but
you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one
filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going
to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true
nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"
This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out his best friend was screwing his wife.
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Last edited: 01/20/2004