Rufus: You masturbate more than anyone else on the planet.
Jay: Shit, everyone knows that. Tell me something else.
Rufus: When you do it, you're thinking about guys.
Loki: I love f**king with the clergy.
Jay: The whole f**king world's against us, I swear to God.
Serendipity: Leave it to the Catholics to destroy existence.
Bethany Sloane: You knew Jesus?
Rufus, the 13th Apostle: Knew him? Nigga owes me twelve bucks.
Bethany: I think that God is dead.
Liz: The sign of a true Catholic.
Rufus: A black man can steal your stereo, but he can't be your Savior.
Bethany: You're saying that having beliefs is a bad thing?
Rufus: I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier.
Bethany: Jesus didn't have any brothers or sisters. Mary was a virgin.
Rufus: Mary gave birth to CHRIST without having known a man's touch, that's true. But she did have a husband. And do you really think he'd have stayed married to her all those years if he wasn't getting laid? The nature of God and the Virgin Mary, those are leaps of faith. But to believe a married couple never got down? Well, that's just plain gullibility.
Metatron: You know those constitutionals He likes to take?
Rufus: I think we're beyond euphemisms at this point: God's a Skee-Ball fanatic.
Bartleby: Quit leering at me. People are gonna think I just broke up with you.
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