Jay: What's up, baby? What's up, sluts?
Randal Graves: My mom's been fuckin' a dead guy for 30 years. I call him dad.
Jay: I've had some girlfriends too, but all they wanted from me was weed and shit.
Caitlin Bree: I'm offering you my body and you're offering me semantics.
Dante Hicks: You know what the real tragedy of this day is? I'm not even supposed to be here today!
Randal Graves: Which did you like better? "Jedi" or "The Empire Strikes Back"?
Dante Hicks: "Empire".
Randal Graves: Blasphemy!
Dante Hicks: "Empire" had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All "Jedi" had was a bunch of Muppets.
Low I.Q. Video Customer: Do you have that one with that guy who was in that movie last year?
Dante Hicks: I thought I told you not to be dealing in front of the store.
Jay: I ain't dealin', man, what you talkin' about?
Customer: Hey, man, you got anything?
Jay: Yeah, man, what you want?
Randal Graves: I hope it feels so good to be right. There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
Cold Coffee Lover: What do you mean there's no ice! I have to drink this coffee hot?
Dante Hicks: You ever notice how all the prices end in nine? Damn, that's eerie...
Silent Bob: You know, there's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you.
Dante Hicks: Yeah, I mean aside from the cheating, we were a great couple. I mean that's what high school was about: algebra, cafeteria food, and infidelity.
Dante Hicks: My girlfriend's sucked 37 dicks!
Customer with Diapers: In a row?
Dante Hicks: Hey, try not to suck any dick on the way through the parking lot!
Randal Graves: This job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers.
Dante Hicks: But you hate people.
Randal Graves: Yes, but I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?
Sanford: Hey, Dante, I'm gonna grab a Gatorade.
Dante Hicks: If you grab a Gatorade, then everyone's gonna grab one.
Sanford: So?
Dante Hicks: So, who's gonna pay for all these Gatorades?
Sanford: What do you care, you shoe polish-smelling motherfucker?
Dante Hicks: Hey, I have a responsibility here. I can't have everybody grabbing free drinks.
Sanford: Responsibility? What responsibility? You're closing the fucking store to play hockey!
Randal Graves: He's blunt, but he's got a point.
Dante Hicks: Will you let me maintain some semblance of managerial control here?
Sanford: No, all I'm sayin' is that if you're gonna be insubordinate, you might as well go the full nine, not pussy out when it comes to free shit to drink.
Randal Graves: He's right, as if we're suddenly gonna have a run on Gatorade.
Sanford: Fuckin' A!
Dante Hicks: All right! Jesus! You fuckers are pushy!
Randal Graves: I could do without the customers in the video store.
Dante Hicks: Which ones?
Randal Graves: All of them.
Randal Graves: Buncha savages in this town.
Dante Hicks: Why do I have this life?
Randal Graves: Have some chips, you'll feel better.
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