Author's Note: Well, it's been a while since I wrote

some sap, so my muses went on strike until I did. Hope

y'all like it. ^_~ And it is common courtesy to let me

know what you think... (HINT HINT!!!)

Thalia: Don't you just LOVE her subtlety?

Eros: ::sighs and holds up sign that reads: "Send all

Comments and Criticisms to [email protected]"

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing. (Now ~there's~ a

shocker) And I wrote this at 3:15 AM, so if there's a

bunch of spelling errors, I'm terribly sorry.

I'm worried about him. He left for the mission a few

hours ago. I wished him luck, and didn't say anything

about how I had a nasty feeling I might never see him

again. I get that feeling whenever one of us has a

mission. I never say anything about it, either. It

wouldn't do any good, and I'm sure he realizes that on

his own. I wonder if he ever worries about me when I

go off on missions.

I don't know how it happened, exactly. My falling for

him, I mean. It's just happened that way. I'd never

even been attracted to guys. But he's so completely

different. I couldn't stop it. I'm just glad that he

reciprocates. At least, I think he does. It's hard to

tell, even now that I've been studying him for so

long. Even now, when he allows me close, to touch him,

kiss him. I'm certain in my emotions, but afraid of

his.

I'm afraid that he doesn't really have any feelings

for me. That I'm just some of the "stress relief"

that they tried to brainwash us into thinking all

sexual acts were. Yeah, I got fed the same lines that

Heero did when he was in training. They tried to make

us all believe that as soldiers we couldn't love

anyone while on the battlefield, and that anything we

initiated was mere physical lust caused by raging

hormones. But unlike Heero, I hadn't been raised to

killing on purpose. I knew what affection was, what

love could be. I know how I feel. I'm afraid that he

either can't feel, or won't recognize what he feels.

Also, there is Relena...

I wonder what goes on between those two. The way she

follows him, the way he seeks her out. Each time he

almost manages to kill her. But he never succeeds. And

the way he says her name, in that soft, intense way...

He's never said my name like that, not even in the

throes of passion. How does he feel towards her? I

won't think of her. She makes me feel vaguely ill,

that she might have the power to take Heero from me.

And it is a small comfort to know she's never had

Heero in her arms, whispering her name coarsely for

fear that if he said it any louder he might scream it

as he climaxes...

She's never seen him naked, bathed in moonlight.

You know, in moonlight, he looks a lot less like a

cold, unfeeling soldier. It makes his face seem...

softer, more ethereal, and the heavy brooding aura he

radiates lifts minutely. He looks so achingly sad,

though...

I wonder about him.

His mind... it's like and oyster. I'm just so great

with similes, I know, but that's the best way I can

explain. On the outside, he has a hard shell to keep

himself separate from those he might be hurt by or

have to hurt. But on the inside, he's so vulnerable

and beautiful... Yeah, I know, I know. Heero Yuy,

vulnerable? I didn't think it was possible either,

until that night, when I saw him in the moonlight. He

looked like a fallen angel.

Sometimes, despite the best efforts of the oyster, a

tiny grain of sand will get past the shell. It's an

irritant, and dangerous to the soft flesh of the

oyster.

I think that's what I am. What Relena is. Hell, even

what Zechs is. Somehow, we all made it past Heero's

shell. He can't ignore any of us. His friend - lover?

-, his mission, and his enemy.

The amazing thing about the oyster, though, is that it

protect itself by changing the grain of sand into

something beautiful. It coats it with mother-of-pearl,

thus rendering it harmless.

That's what Heero does to people. His own heart, while

tainted with war and buried deep inside, is so fragile

that it can't handle the abrasions other people would

give it. His first defense are the walls he builds

between himself and the rest of humanity. But there

are we few grains of sand who are lucky enough to get

inside. And we see the beauty of Heero's heart and are

changed by it.

God, I've got it bad. Lovesick moron that I am,

getting all mushy and melodramatic. My point is,

somehow, I've gotten to reach Heero. At least, I think

I have. Maybe even in a way that matters. I hope.

I cut my reflections short as he enters our room. He

doesn't appear hurt, and for that I am immensely

relieved. He stands at the foot of my bed. Moonlight,

faint now as the moon is waning and setting, splashes

across his face as he stares at me.

"Ninmu kanryou?" I ask in a low tone, my voice

catching in my throat at the soft look the silver

illumination gives him.

"Hai," he responds, then hesitates. Then, in a way

that would have been uncertain had it not been so

painstakingly deliberate, he comes to kneel beside my

head. It's too dark for me to make out the expression

on his face, but his breathing is different. I know

how he breathes. I've stayed up nights, after

lovemaking, just to hold him close. I would rest my

head on his chest to hear his heart beat like a drum

and rock softly in rhythm to his breaths. Now they

come slightly faster and even more slightly irregular.

He is still uncertain how he feels about me. He

doesn't know how to act towards me. He is frightened

by all this, the giving of oneself, the bodily

contact, the tumult of emotions his training is

forcing him to control or repress. This is why it

falls to me to make the first move.

I lean over the edge of the bed, bracing one hand on

his shoulder for support in my precarious position. My

other hand carefully, slowly reaches out to brush his

bangs away from his eyes. The smallest sigh escapes

him, almost unnoticeable, as I trail my fingertips

down the side of his cheek, cupping it. My thumb

strokes his lips, which part softly. I feel his warm

breath on my hand.

"Duo..." he whispers in a barely audible voice, as if

he's afraid of what he might be invoking. Maybe he is.

"Shh," I say. "Even ~I~ know that now is not a time

for words."

Then I lean in and kiss him. It was meant to be

gentle, but I was surprised by the fervor with which

he returned it. Hot chills passed through my body,

making me shudder slightly. God, he has such power

over me. The bittersweet fire in his kisses, the

melancholy need in the way he clings to me now as he

crawls onto the bed beside me...

It is a long time before we are too tired to continue.

We lay tangled together on my bed, sheets half on, and

I feel chagrined. It seems I underestimated Heero. He

took charge of the situation rather admirably. I smile

a little to myself and watch as he drops off into

slumber, exhausted by the day and his mission... and

our activities, of course.

He pulls me closer in his sleep. I let myself be drawn

into his shell. Maybe someday, I'll be his only pearl.