| Interview with Sal and Ian from DEADEYESUNDER at New England Metal and Hardcore Festival, Worcester, MA 2002 By Oswald Knox. Knox: Aright, uh... here we go. Uh, I'm here with, uh, two guys from, uh, Deadeyesunder. I'm here with Ian, who used to be in Red Tide, and - Sal: Sal. Knox: And Sal - Ian: Who used to be in Justified. (Laughs hysterically) Knox: And uh, heusedtobeinju- I - ah, I remember Justify. I remember that. That's one of the things I actually remember. Sal: Ok. Knox: Um, alright. Let me just ask you guys some, uh, some quick questions here. Ian: - questions? Knox: Yeah. Confirm or deny. Ozzy should be sanctified, if not deified by all existing religions. Sal: He should be, uh... Ian: Uh... let me think about this. Knox: Ian Kauffman. Ian: Wait, wait, uh... I gotta think about this. Knox: Ian Kauffman. Ian Kauffman of the Kali sticks. Ian: I don't know. Unless Randy Rhodes can be resurrected, I don't wanna hear jack-shit about Ozzy. Knox: Do you know that, um, do you know that, that the singer for, uh, Pig Destroyer is a third dan in, uh, Tae Kwon Do? Ian: That's craziness. Knox: I was just talking to him. I was talking Korean to him. Ian: Korean? That cra- Knox: Him and the guy from, uh, uh Mastodon or whatever pre-historic animal they named their band after. Ian: (laughs hysterically.) Knox: You know what? You know who cares about them? NOBODY! Ian: (laughs) Knox: Uh, aright, uh... comment on the existance of the Yeti. Ian: (Titters girlishly) Sal: Uh, no habla ingles. Knox: Can I tell you that I have never been so scared for my life because I just interviewed the guys from 100 Demons, and uh, and uh, and they, they, uh, they acted like, uh, they didn't like my questions. Ian: Oh yeah? Knox: Did you know that I am the, uh, I am the, I am the Bringer of Truth in this Age of Darkness? Ian: Apparently, because your asking us about Yeti's and shit, and Ozzy. You know? Knox: Do you believe in the theory of reciprocal altruism? Ian: Why not? Sal: I believe in the theory of uh, homoeroticism, in which you are a practitioner. Uh... Knox: Confirm or deny, Sal from Deadeyesunder. Uh, how old are you, Sal? Sal: 24? Knox: And, uh, is it true that you're gonna be in a hardcore band for the rest of your life and be a LOSER? A LOSER! A hardcore LOSER! Sal: Actually - Knox: A LOSER! Sal: Actually, yeah - Knox: Sal from Deadeyesunder, a LOSER! Sal: When we break up, we plan on being a False Hope cover band. Ian: (Laughs hysterically) Knox: Aw ha, YES! You're a fucking LOSER! Sal: We're gonna drop the axe on lots of people. Knox: Drop the axe. Ian: I'm a, I'm a fat guy who's gonna learn how to do backflips. Knox: Fucking gay. How dare you invoke the name of False Hope? Ian: (Laughs hysterically) Knox: I, I, I, I re - I hold the right to deny that. Uh, alright, anyway. Uh, name, uh - Ian Kauffman. Name one celebrity that you would fight if you got a chance. Ian: (laughs) Uh... Knox: ANSWER THE GODDAM QUESTION! Ian: Popeye. Knox: Who? Ian: (Still laughing) Popeye. Knox: Uh, Sal. Sal from Deadeyes under. Who's gonna win, uh, Vito - uh, Vitor Belfort or Tito Ortiz? Sal: Um, your mom. Ian: Neither. (laughs) Knox: That's true. Uh, Ian... Uh, Ian, who would win in a fight, Steven Hawking or Walt Disney's freeze-dried, disembodied head? Ian: Walt Disney's freeze-dried, disembodied head, ofcourse. Knox: Ian? Ian: (laughs) Yeah? Knox: Ian? Ian: (laughs) ... I vote for the freeze-dried head, man. Knox: Ian. Ian: (laughs) Knox: Ian, I LOVE you! Ian: (laughs) I love you too. Knox: I want hugs. Ian: Ok, you get a hug. Knox: (Throes of ecstacy) Ian: Hey, don't touch me there. Knox: Ian, remember those nights? Sal: ... A little man on man action. Knox: Remember those nights, with you and me, in Newington? Ian: Yeah, but you never brought the candles. Knox: Remember those nights, Ian? Sal: Yeah, but he remembered the lube. Knox: Um, if I, if we could just move on, gentlemen? Please? You're get, your getting a little childish, here. Tyra Banks or Gina Lee Nolin? Sal: Dude, I don't know who that fuck, any of them are. Knox: Uh... Ian from, Ian from Red Tide, question number 14. Who, Jules? Ian: Dee's nuts? (Laughs) (keeps laughing) (keeps laughing) Knox: ... Ok, alright, alright, alright, um... ok, here, uh, here's a good one. Ahem. This question's for both a you. I'd like your answers, uh, after I, after, after the question is asked. Question number 5: Do you (sings) "Keep on falling, in and out, of love, with you"? Sal: Only with Beefsteak Charlie. Ian: (laughs) Knox: FUCK you. Sal: (laughs like a hyena). Ian: Only with pizza and calzones. Knox: Uh, moving on. Hey, uh, Ian. Ian: Yeah. Knox: You remember that show, "You Can't Do That On Television?" Ian: Oh, hell yeah! Knox: You remember that girl Moose? Ian: Yeah. Knox: She was fucking HOT! Ian: I don't know. I was more partial to Barth, thanks. Knox: Aright, you guys have made it to the bonus round. Sal: Oh yeah! Ian: (laughs) Knox: Um, ahem. I'm gonna fire off three, qu- excuse me, 5 quick questions. You have 15 seconds to answer each. Ian: Uh oh. Sal: Oh shit. Knox: Uh, you cannot go back and correct an answer after you have answered it. Ok? Quiz number, quiz number one is for Sal from Deadeyesunder. Um, Sal, what band are you from again? Sal: Um - Knox: FUCK YOU, nobody cares. Ian: (laughs) Knox: K. Ian: Hey, what's up, Rock? Knox: Quiz, quiz nu-, quiz number one. Spell Borknagar. Sal: B - Knox: Do it! Sal: O...R...N....AR! Knox: Time has expired. Uh, you guys remember that band Times Expired? Ian: Hell no. Sal: Fucking rap-core, dude. Knox: That shit was phat, yo, let me tell you what. Yo, they got, they got the mad bling-bling up in that hizzouse, know what I'm saying? Sal: Dude, Rhode Island's gay. Ian: (laughs) Knox: That's going on the website. Sal: I don't care. Knox: Uh. Alright, question number two. What was the name of the device that caused time travel in Back To The Future. Sal: The flux-capacitor. I know that. Knox: Good. Uh, question number 3. Best Enterprise Captain. Sal: I'm not gay. I don't watch Star Trek. Knox: FUCK you! Sal: Ask Ian. He's gay as hell. Knox: Fuck you, Sal from whatever fucking gay band. Ian: What's wrong with Kirk? Knox: Number 4. What's, what's your lucky number? Sal: Uh, what's your phone number? Knox: Question number 5. Angela Lansbury. Sal: She's Knox: ANGELA LANS-BURY! Sal: She's one sexy mama. Knox: Alright, moving on. Ok, going back, uh, stop the clock. Uh, question number one. Borknagar. Uh, I don't know how you spelled it. You fucking butchered it. The correct answer is N-O-R-D-I-C F-A-G. Ian: (laughs) Knox: Question number 2, flux capacitor. You got it right. Question number 3. Uh, correct answer was Jim Kirk. Ian: That's what I said! Knox: James Tiberius Kirk. Uh, yeah, but you, you, I didn't ask you yet. Question number 4, what's your lucky number. You said my phone number. The answer is, no. Judging by your hefty fucking weight, you fat motherfucker - Ian: (laughs) Knox: - the answer is pi. Alot of goddam pi. Ian: (laughs) Knox: Question number 5 - Sal: You should ask him that. Knox: Angela Lansbury. What was your answer again? Sal: Uh, murder aint all she wrote. Knox: Uh, no. The answer is "ofcourse." Aright, moving on. Ian, from uh, Red Tide. Uh... here's your questions. Are you ready to go? Sal: Is this thing on? Knox: Yeah. Sal: I don't, I don't see tape spinning at all. Knox: Aright, uh, Ian from Red Tide. Here's your - you got different questions here. Starting the clock... now. Question number 1. Phyllis Diller or Chloris Leachman? Ian: Phyllis Diller. Knox: Uh, number two. Uh, how many elements in the periodic table? Ian: 54. Knox: Question number 3. Finish this line: "I did it all for the ____" Ian: Nookie? Knox: Question number 4. How many in a baker's dozen? Ian: 13. Knox: Question number 5... your favorite color. Ian: Green. Knox: Ahem. Alright, stop the clock. Sal: What, are you trying to pick him up? Ian: (Laughs) Knox: Que- Sal: What's your sign. Knox: I didn't ask him what his goddam sign was. Aright. Ian: Saggitarius. Knox: Uh, aright. Question number one. Chloris Diller - f... uh.... er, no, no no. Sal: Chloris Diller? Knox: Phyllis Diller or Chloris Leachman. Uh, I don't remember what you said. I don't care. The answer is... the (ahem) the answer is Ernest Borgnine. Of Airwolf. Ian: Gotcha, gotcha. Knox: Uh, question number 2. How many elements in the periodic table. I don't remember what you said. Ian: I said 54. Knox: The answer is "Who fucking cares?" Number three, finish this line, "I did it all..." and you said, Nookie. That's the correct answer, but you actually get points taken away because you're a FAGGOT, you fucking gay. Ian: (laughs) Well, you know, I watch wrestling, and it got driven into my head thanks to - Knox: You gay. Aright, uh... number 4. How many in a baker's dozen, you said 13. Correct answer. Uh, question number 5, your favorite color. You said - what'd you say again? Ian: Green - Knox: I don't fucking care what you said. Question number 5- Ian: Hey Rock, what's up? Knox: The correct answer is magenta. Ian: Ah, magenta. Knox: Magenta, or lavender. Ian: I thought you were more partial to pastel pink. Knox: Ian? Ian from Red Tide? I HATE you. Sal: Do you sleep with a man at night? Knox: ... Sal: AHH! Times up! Ian: Times up! Sal: That's automatically default yes! Knox: Like I was gonna say no. Hey, you know that guy, the singer for, uh, Shai Hulud? Yeah, well I interviewed him a couple minutes ago. I didn't know who the fuck he was. I just went up and I said "Hey, are any of you guys in a band?" He goes "Uh, yeah, I'm in a band." And I asked him who he, who he was, and he didn't believe I didn't know who he was. Ian: (laughs alot) Sal: (laughs alot) Knox: I interviewed - Sal: I believe that. Knox: - him anyway. Whatever. Uh, aright, any, parting, uh, parting comments? Ian: Uh, you hump men's legs. Sal: FALSE HOPE! Knox: And then it goes, and then it goes "da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da..." Sal: da-da, da-da, da-da. Ian: Wait - I have a question, I have a question for you! Have you ever seen the movie "Fallen"? Sal: ... Falling Down! Knox: Falling Down, you fucking dummy! Ian: Aww! I failed! Knox: You couldn't even fucking remember, you fucking dummy. Ian: I fucking own it, too. Knox: Good lord. Uh, are you guys aware that I am the Bringer of Truth in this Age of Darkness? Ian: Sure, why not. Pete: YEAH, MAN! WOO HOO! Knox: Who's this guy? Pete: Uh, I'm Pete. Knox: Are you in a band? Pete: Yeah. Knox: What band. Sal: Pantera. Pete: If, If Tomorrow Comes. Knox: Can I tell you, nobody cares about that band? Pete: Um, yes. Knox: You look like my friend - you look like my friend Nate from, uh, Boston. Pete: Oh really? Cuz, um, I am Nate from Boston. And uh, I .... am. Knox: Can I interview you? Pete: Yes. Knox: Hold on a second. Ian: We gotta go find our big and stupid bass player. Knox: Aright, the faggots from Deadeyesunder are going elsewhere, and I, and I couldn't be more relieved. Sal, I hope I don't see you for another 5 years. Sal: Yeah, when's False Hope reunion number 4? Knox: Gay? Gay. By the way, guys. I'm in an acoustic, I'm in a Satanic acoustic band now, so, be advised. |