| Interview with JOE D BARNES, The Smartest Boy in All of Cullman County Alabama... by Oswald Knox, 5/15/02 RING RING RING Knox: Is Joe there? JOE: Yeah, that's me. Knox: (Drawl) This is Ben Falgoust cawlin'. JOE: Oh, hey man. Knox: (Drawl) You must be a gay. JOE: Huh? Knox: (Drawl) You must be a gay. JOE: Wait a minute. Oswald Knox? Knox: (Drawl) You a gay. How come you're never home. JOE: Uh. I'm not. Knox: You're a loser. You must be the smartest boy in all of Cullman County. JOE: Dude, how'd you get this phone number? Knox: Huh? JOE: How'd you get my phone number? Knox: Well, hey, you know... I got my, I got my... (Southern) You must be the smartest boy in all of Cullman County. JOE: Cut the crap. Knox: Huh? JOE: You're crazy, man. I know this is Oswald Knox. It says Connecticut on here. I don't know anybody else in Connecticut. Knox: It's funny cuz you said you didn't have an accent. JOE: Hmm? Knox: (Drawl) You awl gawt a southern heeick drawl. JOE: DRAAAWL! Uhh, you talking about maw einternet? Knox: Hoooey! JOE: Cuz I fanally got it back workin recently. I just had ?????? Knox: What? JOE: I said, I just got my einternet workin bayack lak, 2, 3 days ago. I couldn' get it ????? Knox: Hey, you get that call from Phil Anselmo the other day? JOE: Ha, yeah, sure. He said they're goan play over here tonat. Knox: You get that message? JOE: .... No? Knox: I called you. I said I was Phil Anselmo. JOE: Oh, on ma answerin machine? ????? No really, mayan. How'd you get the phone number? ???? Knox: That, that Lord Death Faggot kid. JOE: Oh! Knox: What's his deal? JOE: What do you mean, what's his dayal? Knox: What's his deal? He's like a, he's like a faggot or something. JOE: (laughs) Knox: He, that kids gotta be like a true, like straight up redneck, isn't he? JOE: Ha. Eh, not really. But, he's just ... I don' know. He's alright in parson. He jus doesn' know how to talk, er somethin. Knox: (Drawl) He dudn't know how ter talk er somethin'? I thought you said you didn't have an accent. JOE: Oh, an accent. I thought you said accident. Yeah. Knox: (Drawl) No. Ain' accent, bwa! You leesten when I talk to you, bwa! JOE: Talkin' about ma accent, boa? Knox: (Drawl) Your accient. You probla drav truhcks. JOE: ?? Cain't believe thayat's... that you tawk lak thayat, mayan. Cain't believe you actually called awl th way daown here, lak lowng distance an everythin else. Knox: (Drawl) Hoo-ey, Bwa! You must be the smartest bwa eein all a Cullman County! JOE: You recordin that? Knox: Huh? JOE: I know that. Are you, like, recordin this, ??? by any chance? Knox: Yeah. JOE: Cool. So, you goan' play it like, deathmetalhardcore, fer everybody? Knox: (Drawl) You goin' on my websat, Bwa! JOE: Oh. K. Knox: (Drawl) Reckon! JOE: Aright, then. Knox: Hey, you read the Pessimist interview? JOE: Um... that the one where he said "Swissless?" Knox: Wha? JOE: That the one where he said something about "Swissless?" Knox: No, dat was Skinless. JOE: Oh, ok, no, I haven't read the Pessimist one ye-it. Knox: (Drawl) Weell, sir... I interviewed Peissimeeist th' other duuuy. I don't think he likes me very much. JOE: Oh well. Knox: He didn't know how to take a joke. JOE: Yeah, most people don't. Knox: (Drawl) You mhust bay th' smartest bwa ein all a Cullman County! JOE: (laughing) How many toms 're you gonna say thayat? Knox: Alerbamer. Hey, um...are there, are there, are there hicks? JOE: What do you mean, are there hicks? They're all over. Knox: (Drawl) Hooey, Bwa! What about Angerlawl? JOE: Oh, I don't know. I don't live in Kentucky. Knox: Uh, you know what about Angelol? I'm thinking of proposing to her. JOE: Uh... what?! Knox: I'm thinking a proposing to her. JOE: (Laughing) That's so sweet. Knox: Lesbian. It's the other pink meat. JOE: Oh man. Knox: Do you think I have a shot with her? JOE: Um... If you can convince her that you're not a guy, maybe. Knox: Huh? JOE: You need to convince her that you're not a guy. Knox: (Drawl) Hooey! Angerlawl! She's a lesdak! You didn't get the, you didn't get the message the other day when Phil Anselmo called you? JOE: It's probably still on the answerin machine. I haiven't checked it. Knox: What? JOE: I think it's probably steell, steell on th answering machine. Knox: I don't know. I said something, I was like (Phil Anselmo) "Yeah, this cawls for Joe. This is Phil Anselmo from Pantera. JOE: (laughs) Knox: And then, and then... uh, I don't know who I talked to, and then I called as a girl last week. I said (Girl voice) "My nime eeis Lawra-Lee!"** And the guy was like "Weeell, Jow's noawt heeur rot naow." And I said (Girl voice) "Well, theeis eeis Lawra-Lee!" Yeah, but what girls gonna be calling your house, though? . JOE: Uh... my Ant mot cawl may. Knox: Ha ha, yeah, exactly. JOE: (laughs) Knox: You know what? (Drawl) Yeeu must bay th' smartest bwa in Cullman Counta, Alarbamar! JOE: (laughs) Knox: Reckon! Hey, were you class Valedictorian? JOE: Nah. Knox: Did you slit your wrists cuz a that? JOE: No. I got nerds in ma class. Knox: How many, how many kids in your class? JOE: Uh, 120 or so. Knox: Are they all backwoods, like, Gummo hicks, or what? JOE: No, not all of them. Half of them are though. Knox: (Drawl) Well, hoooey, Bwa! Think I got a shot with Angelol? JOE: Sure, why not. Knox: Hey, does this sound like, uh, Snoop D-O-Double G? (Snoop Dogg) "Aww yeahh! Aww yeah, Boy! Break em off, somethin', Low!" JOE: Ha ha. A leettle bee-it. Knox: That, that was gonna be my next one. How do you think that guy woulda reacted who answered, answered the phone if I told him I was Snoop D-O-Double G? JOE: Ha ha. He woulda thought, pry, it was just a prank cawl er sumthin. Knox: What about Lord Deathfaggot. What's his deal? JOE: I don't know what the deal is. What's he been sayin' on there lately? Gettin' mad at everbody er sumthin? Knox: Well, no ones saying anything cuz you're not on there to talk shit about. JOE: (laughs) Knox: He hasn't been saying that much cuz I think he's learned that nothing he say's has any inherent worth whatsoever. JOE: (laughs) Everything he says has Obituary in it. Knox: Yuh. And how he hates Celtic Frost, or whatever? JOE: Yeah. Knox: He's a faggot. You know what? All southerners are like that, though. (Tense silence). No southerners have any inherent worth whatsoever, and should be jetisoned into the sun as so much human excrement. JOE: (Laughs) That's nice, Oswald. Knox: Now, because you're gonna work for NASA, you could probably engineer that, couldn't you? JOE: Hmm. Knox: You could be a traitor to your kind. You could, you could, you could, you could help out the future by, by jetisoning the entire southern half of the United States into the sun. What do you think about that? Cuz you know what? JOE: What? Knox: (Drawl) You must bay th' smartest bwa in awl a Cullman Counta, Alarbamar! Reckon! JOE: (Laughs) I reckon. I mean, that's purty good. Knox: Hey, I gotta get Ron's number. Think you could get Ron's number for me? JOE: Whose? Knox: Ron? JOE: Ron? Knox: That geriatric, old piece of shit? JOE: Mm... probably not, but, I don't know. Knox: You don't think you could get his number? JOE: Ah... Knox: I figured, I figured with you guys being so gay, you know, he'd just hand it over to you. JOE: ... Knox: Gay. JOE: Yeah, definately gay. Knox: Gay ... Knox: Gay. C'mon. You could get Ron's number. How funny would it be if I called Ron and was like (Old guy voice) "This is the pharmacy. We lost your pills..." JOE: (Laughs) Purty owsome. Knox: C'mon, you could get his number. JOE: Well, ah, ah'll see wut I can do. Knox: Hey, did you hear that I'm gonna, uh, I'm gonna propose to Angelol? JOE: Yeah, you were sayin' sumthin about that. Knox: You think I have a shot with her? JOE: No, but ah think you got a broken record. Knox: You know, you know what I noticed about Angelol? I don't know if you noticed this... JOE: What? Knox: (Southern) She's a lesdak! And, and, (Slingblade) She laks Frinch Frad Pertaters. Mm hmm. JOE: (laughs) Knox: I tire of you. JOE: Oh. Knox: When are you coming back on the list? JOE: Uh, probably now, that ahm thinkin' about it. Knox: If you could just extend that a little longer... like, never. JOE: Oh, ok. Knox: (Southern) You must be ther smartest bwa in Culman Counta, Alarbamar! Reckon! Any last words? JOE: Uh.. nothin' particular. Knox: NOBODY CARES! (Hangs up). |