Acceptance by others is a wonderful dream we all have.  But the simple fact is the world's acceptance will not make me happy.

When all others around me do accept me, it is often myself that cannot accept the packing I come in. If in a second the world at large (no pun intended) suddenly opened up and embraced me as an obese woman, I would still feel that sense of unease with myself. I had accepted my weight, I had learned to "love myself", like all the eminent doctors preach. But what I discovered was what I wanted for myself, not my body, but for my heart and soul. I wanted things that I could not have, not if I loved and accepted my obesity.  The things that my weight precludes me from.

I wanted to ride roller coasters and scream in terror and delight.

I could not.

I wanted to ice skate on ponds till my nose is chilled to the bones.

I could not.

I wanted to watch my brother-in-law "strut and fret his hour upon the stage".

I could not

And the thousands of other things that slipped away from me like water droplets through my hands. Never seeming to amount to much. Until I really looked and saw the river that slipped away from me. The one I should be swimming in, not adding to with tears. Acceptance or not, I lost those things, and they are mine to regain.

I decided that the sacrifices I made for the sake of "accepting myself" were not worth it anymore.  I decided that I loved myself, but not the quality of the life I was leading. I decided that while I could  live and "accept myself",  I was really accepting my own gilded cage.  I refuse to be caged, I refuse to be my own jailer.

I will ride roller coasters again.

And swim in that river, and be soaked through to my bones with life.