The chattering becomes a steady murmur...

...and the city lights are lowered.

And he sighs a sigh that tells of his regrets.

~ * ~

The city of Muse, I suppose, is beautiful, but it is better to be outside the gates during the sunsets.

I do not get to do this as often as I would like to; my new job prevents it. But whenever I do, I always have to smile because I would always remember. And when I remember, I would always regret.

Because I know there could have been another way but I chose the easy way out.

The darkness is nearly closing and the skies are orange and red.

I could have returned home. I could have, I know, I could have refused.

But I did not. And I had always regretted.

Does he wait there still for me? It has been a year and so much has changed. My regret has not, though, and I wish I have the courage within me to pull away from everything I have chosen and cry for another chance to choose another path.

It is lonely here at the gates. When I close my eyes and try hard enough, I can hear Oneechan's voice telling me, "He'll come back," accompanied by Pilika's soft murmur of agreement.

Oneechan was buried with the highest regard at the Muse cemetery but I alone know she would not have appreciated it. I would like to think that, maybe one day, when I have the courage, I would have her body transferred to our home in Kyaro, where I know she would like to be buried beside out grandfather. She would have liked that.

Pilika, I think about often. Is she eating well, is she happy? She must be, because she is with Jowy now. Even though she looked happy enough with us, Oneechan and I would always see the dissatisfaction, the loneliness that would cross her face as we held her in our arms. Sometimes, I get angry, wondering where I had gone wrong in her, wondering why I was never enough.

But of Jowy, I think of everyday. Does he blame me for being a coward, for not agreeing to our promise? Does he still wait? I heard no more activity in the Highland proper, and the last thing I heard about him is that he had disappeared a week after my acceptance as the City-State's leader. He could be anywhere by now, and I know he would have gone to Tenzen Pass to wait for me. But I have not gone there.

Jowy...would he find it in his heart to forgive me in my last act of cowardliness?

I have faltered for I have depended too much on other people. While I grew up, I had Nanami-neechan and Jowy and Grandfather. During the war, I had leaned on them so much that it tore my heart when Jowy fell away. And when Oneechan died, it numbed me so much...I felt I could not be whole again.

I depended on Shu for a while, and he let me lean on him before telling me gently, No, this has gone far enough. You have chosen your path, you will have to stand on your own.

I had and I still do now. Slowly, inch by inch, I strengthen my own resolve, my own decisions.

But I will always regret passing the chance of the one thing I could have done to finally set things right.

This country...this country is not mine. It is peaceful under my reign but in my heart there is turmoil. When will I ever be whole again?

The sunset is complete and there is total darkness. I peer inside the gates and see the guards go on with their watch, pretending not to notice me. The lights inside the gates flicker and glow, beckoning me with their heat.

And I wonder briefly what it would mean if I walk out into the darkness and never look back.