It would be a long time before your return, wouldn't it?

I'm going to have to take care of Tasuki now, the one who's the Suzaku Shichiseishi, the one everyone left behind. He's acting kind of normal, acts like you sometimes, but I'm not fooled. I always see his eyes, see the left-over pain that lingers despite everything else.

He's going to need me, that guy Tasuki. I'll take care of him as you asked. Until you return.

I hope...you'll return soon...Genrou.

*

Do I ever tell you of the images I have? I ask you the first day Tasuki arrives. I know he isn't you but I cannot help wanting him to be you. Did I ever tell you of the pictures I have in my mind?

No, he tells me, smiling a bit. No, you never did.

There is an awkward silence. The field is beautiful, over viewing Mt. Leikaku. And suddenly, I am afraid. I stand from the rock I've been sitting on and trudge back to the headquarters. He seems puzzled at my abruptness.

Kouji. My name. He asks, What pictures?

I turn to him, smiling as if nothing has changed. Silly memories, I explain, trying to look pressed for time just to escape. My memories. Our memories, I want to say, but I would only say that to you, Genrou. Don't expect me to share them with Tasuki.

*

How I long for the past when I opened my eyes and would see you smiling down on me. We'd make love, like we used to, as the sun rose. And I would brush away the sweat from your face, glistening with the early sun.

Tasuki sleeps in your place now.

Every night, I wonder if he would crumble in my touch. Or push me away.

And I am overcome with apprehension. I do not know which one of those choices I would welcome more or fear less. I feel as if neither of them is really a choice. With Tasuki, everything is a constant wave of sorrow, anger, and longing.

I miss you, Genrou.

When will you return?

*

Do you remember what we used to say? "Nothing is true in this world anymore but gold and booze."

I tell Tasuki this and he quickly turns to his pensive mood. Yes, he tells me quietly. Nothing is really certain anymore. Not even gold and wine.

Then he quickly looks up and captures my hand. But YOU'RE real, he tells me. You're certain, aren't you, Kouji?

I hold my breath at this statement because I have never seen him look so much like you. Yes, I tell him, lump rising in my throat. Yes, I'll stay real.

Even if you don't, Tasuki.

I wish you'd return.

*

Tasuki plans raids, still, but I usually plot the major ones now that you're gone. I admit, I'm not half the good leader the Leikaku bandits want me to be but, for now, I'm all they got. Except Tasuki.

And Tasuki is tired. He seems so quiet and so down usually that I can do nothing but embrace him. Sometimes, I believe he does not even have the strength to return it.

It will be alright, I tell him. Just hang on. Please hang on.

I'm hanging on to you, he whispers back.

But you're Tasuki, I return quietly.

He does not answer, but the dampness of my shirt tells me he is weeping.

*

Genrou, when will you return?

*

I try to keep my sobs silent as I huddle in my fur futon on the floor. But I cannot help letting some sounds escape. But what surprises me are the arms that suddenly wrap around me, embracing me from behind.

For a while, I think it's you embracing me. Genrou, my mind whispers. But I quickly realize you have not yet return.

Kouji, Tasuki asks, do you hate Tasuki?

And I weep again, but this time, it is in his arms. I have no words to tell him, but I guess he already knows how I feel. I love you, Genrou. With all my heart and soul, and mind and body. I love you so much it hurts.

I miss you.

And that is why I hate Tasuki.

For taking you away from me.

*

Lonely child, innocently dreaming of things never to change.

That is what Tasuki is to me. To you, Genrou, he is tough and wise and pained. But to me, he is but a child who is growing too fast. He is an unguided lamb.

I hate him.

But, dear god!--how I long to embrace him and smother his fears! How I can kiss his tears away, make love to him every morning as we did. But I cannot, even though you, Genrou, are Tasuki.

*

I can leave, you tell me quietly, finally pulling away and curling to a fetal position. Away from me. My heart is pained. You can be leader and I can leave.

Don't be insane, I tell you.

Genrou would have fought but Tasuki wouldn't. He doesn't like fighting. Not now. Not after all he's been through.

I can learn, though, too, you continue, eyes on my mouth as we lie face-to-face on the fur futon. I can learn how to be Genrou again.

A lump is in my throat. And for the first time, your seishi name passes in my mind: Tasuki. Not Genrou. You've changed from Genrou to Tasuki. I cannot change you back, I think. But... I can learn, too, I tell you, heart wishing not to follow but my mind continuing to do its task.

I can learn to love you, too.

You touch my tear-streaked face and smile. And you say, You already do. And that's enough.

*

I open my eyes to meet the new morning and find you standing over me and grinning. You tell me a band of travelers will arrive tomorrow night. You've already made plans for a raid, you say, but you need my help.

We are trying. Together.

We spend the next few days raiding and planning. As if we're starting from scratch. Maybe we are. Every day becomes a little better as I see Tasuki and Genrou merge.

And I'm loving Tasuki everyday.

New memories form. Like a carefully written book. A scroll. Like the legendary Suzaku Scrolls.

Don't you agree, Tasuki?

*

We never tried making love at dawn again. I don't mind. I would rather spend that as a quiet time with you. Besides, the sunsets can be more enticing as the orange sky highlights your flaming hair on the clearing where we make love.