[ "let's fly away," somebody whispered
"lets jump off the borderline under the knee"
freedom is back to back
"we weren't linked to the rusted chain from the very beginning" ]

He looked down from the window of the North Tower and felt himself be mesmerized by the sudden impact of peace that cradled his emotions. It was as if this tower held a quiet decision for him, that this was the choice between everything he had ever deemed important, a choice that will decide his whole life.

Severus Snape had never liked the color blue, but he found this blueness addictive.

It seemed a funny thing, he supposed, that he should stand here now. He had never believed in freedom, but here he was, contemplating that he could give in to this calmness. He had never believed in chains, but here he was, being held back decisions.

Severus prided himself for being a rational man.

He had always prided his ability to control himself.

Now, it seemed, he was finally being given the choice.

~ * ~

[ in my chest, in my chest the sky accumulates
i want to sink into the deep blue ]

Remus Lupin's eyes are not blue, he thought.

It was a sudden thought, coming from nowhere, and he jolted awake, blinking, finding his breakfast already long gone and being carried away by the house elves. Beside him, Albus Dumbledore was cheerfully discussing a new course outline with Professor Flich as he dabbed his snowy-white beard. Professor Minerva MacGonagall was carefully frowning over her notes, undoubtedly the Transformation exam she would be holding for many of the second-years that day.

They were everything but blue, he finally decided, letting his thoughts follow that line. Angry, sad, happy, all the old clich�s in the book...but never blue.

He scowled at this.

Said eyes turned to him from across the table and met his own and he, suddenly uncomfortable, found himself looking away quickly before he drowned in them.

Not blue, he thought, but deep enough to drown in.

He stood and gathered some of his notes, banishing all thoughts of Remus Lupin from his mind. Potions examination would be quick and harsh for the first years today, he thought to himself, clucking his tongue silently at the thought of one of the students who kept clowning around. It was annoying that the boy was the best potion-mixer among his students that he could not bring himself to even give him a failing grade.

And when he turned, there was the not-blue eyes staring at him again. He scowled finally and snapped, "What is it?"

Remus Lupin stared back at him calmly. "You smell clean," he said as if it explained everything.

Severus Snape opened his mouth to demand enlightenment and thought better of it, closed his mouth to let it form a thin line and snatched his papers away from the table. He quickly strode away from the table, through the mess hall, towards the door, out to the great hall to the direction of the dungeon. He did not like being played at. Whenever that man said anything, he felt like his words held a secret puzzle that he should decipher by the end where the period was supposed to be. He did not like being played at. Not at all.

You smell clean.

Bloody bastard.

The day was going very bad. It was unfortunate, he thought, that breakfast just finished.

Suddenly, thoughts of blue entered his mind and teased him. It danced at the edge of his thoughts, trying to pull him away. He had to take a moment and stop to let it fade. When he looked up, the whole class had entered and was staring at him expectantly, almost afraid. He wondered what they saw then in his eyes.

He wondered why he was suddenly afraid as well.

~ * ~

[ wearing the endless night sky
i will look for a new world
i want to meet you but i can't meet you, so i get lost
i can't extinguish these wings that have already awoken ]

"I wondered if I would find you here," came the voice behind him.

He turned and suppressed a sarcastic smile. He scowled. "What do you need?"

Remus walked towards him, nudging him slowly away from the window and leaning out to look down. "Quite a far jump, don't you think?"

"Why, are you thinking of jumping?" He could not help the snide remark.

But Remus Lupin took it in stride. "No. I was thinking perhaps you might." His eyes trained casually on Severus's and held; the Potions Master could not help letting his breath catch and drowning into those non-blue--

"I wasn't," he fumbled and cursed his lack of witty comment.

Remus only smiled. "And even if you did," he went on, as if he hadn't said a word, "I would be here, and I would catch you with a simple spell of flight. Even to let you apparate..."

"Apparating is not allowed in Hogwarts," Severus put in quickly.

"Even then, I would catch, you Severus," Remus continued, eyes not moving, continuing on their deep gaze. "I could, and I would."

"Would you, I wonder?" Severus muttered, finally letting himself break contact and looking out the window.

It was, indeed, a long way down. Too long. But Severus had been wondering for some time how short the span of time it would take to land, for it to take his body to reach the ground. He wondered at the blueness, the great sky. And he always found himself wondering at the quiet freedom that always crept into his body, the intoxicating liberty that poisoned his mind, whenever he thought of the blue.

It made him forget about Remus Lupin. The man he had never forgotten.

"I wonder," he murmured, almost to himself.

~ * ~

[ what is proper and so forth?
there is no answer
the fork in the road that only God knows of
as the unstoppable speed accelerates
the heartbeat becomes louder
i remember the loudness ]

So this noise isn't really noise, he thought to himself.

This isn't noise...because...I'm not annoyed with it. It's so beautiful, this sound, this whisper of the wind.

He could feel himself being excited. Everything bad came rushing back, everything he could remember. The deaths, the anger, the hurt, the numbness...there was a sharp pain that ran along his left arm and he knew without looking that it was the faint scar of the Death Eaters.

He looked down at the sky to the trees and tried not to think of the long way down. Instead, he looked up at the mountains, to the sky, trying to think of the horizon. What would he see beyond those invisible walls? Does anyone in this world ever see anything the way he does?

Again, he thought of Remus Lupin, and he felt himself getting annoyed once more.

This isn't noise, he thought to himself again.

This is a wonder...this is what it feels to be loved.

The wind whipped his hair on his face and he felt his eyes closing. And felt his body swaying.

But he shivered again and stepped back. He could not control this feeling of fear and apprehension. Something was going to happen.

~ * ~

[ however, everything is falling
only you, please don't grow up ]

"I'm not, you know," Remus Lupin said again in his matter-of-fact voice.

Severus Snape turned to him again and snapped, "You're not what?"

The small smile on Remus's face told him it was going to be one of those days. He gave a sigh as he waited for the answer.

Instead, Remus only shrugged and looked away, returning to his work. Outside, there was a clinking of glass and footsteps as other teachers returned from their classes to retire in the faculty. The noises of the students seemed so far away.

"You're not what?" Severus asked again, exasperated.

"I'm not letting you pull yourself away," Remus replied, not looking up from the papers he was grading.

Snape's scowl grew and he quickly stood, walking out of the faculty.

"It was a long time ago, anyway, Severus," the werewolf went on. "Don't be a child."

Severus stopped at the hold before the faculty painting, momentarily stunned. But he shook his head again and said the password to remove himself from the faculty room.

Remus's eyes followed him until the hole was again covered before he himself pushed back the parchments of reports away from his desk and leaned back on his chair, closing his eyes. "I should tell myself that more often," he murmured. "I haven't grown up, either."

~ * ~

[ i am guided by the nostalgic light
you wave your gentle hand
separated from the future i am used to
i am told of our parting
let's draw a picture of a broken fantasy ]

In the evenings, when he knew nobody would roam, he would sit by the edge of the lake and listen to the muffled chatters of the merfolks. To them, there was no night or day, and he decided it was a nice way to live if one had no desire to be alone.

But then, he thought, nobody wishes to be alone.

But someone always ends up as one.

He wished he would stop thinking too much.

Then, there was a rustle of bushes and some swishing noise and he turned around, his face working up once more into that fierce scowl. He marched towards the direction and pushed the bushes away, finding a figure huddled at the trees. He felt his scowl deepening. He had not expected this.

"Mr. Longbottom," he said nastily.

Neville Longbottom blinked up at him, his face showing his fear. "I--I--didn't--Professor S-snape!" he stammered out, quickly straightening himself.

Severus took note of the pale face and the tear-streaked cheeks and clenched his hands beside him where his robes hid them with the darkness. He was glad he still wore black. "What on earth are you doing here?!" he boomed out. "Does Professor McGonagall know you're here?!"

"No, s-sir!" Neville stuttered, backing away and falling on his behind. He scrambled up. "I just--I just needed--"

"Go back to your dorm!" he raged. "Sirius Black might be anywhere and no one will think to find you here if you wander off!"

"Y-yes sir!" The boy quickly dashed off as if demons were chasing him.

Severus watched him go. He stood rigid for a few moments, letting himself calm down, unclenching his fists.

There was no sound everywhere, except for the few swishing and splashing on the lake. Barely any animals were on the grounds; most of them were in the Enchanted Forest. He wondered where he should go now. If he walked farther, he would meet the Dementors. He would not like that. Their mere presence would make him remember those things he was already trying hard to forget. It was the first time he actually acknowledged something he had in common with the Potter boy. He, too, felt afraid.

He knew he would break easily. He was not brave.

"I do that," he said in the kindest voice he could muster, "because I cannot let you feel pity or hurt, even for the merest moment. To do so would invite weakness, and a new kind of war is coming. I can only make you stronger."

He thought that would be the way he would explain it to Neville Longbottom, but he thought better of it.

He looked up to the sky, to the starless night.

How black can the bluest sky be at night, he thought, closing his eyes.

The darkness, too, can give a sense of comfort. But the darkness had embraced him before and he had wrenched himself away from it before it completely devoured him. He needed that blueness, he told himself. It was his only redemption.

One day, he would.

Unbidden, he remembered the words Remus Lupin spoke to him earlier that semester on the top of North Tower: "I won't let you fall."

"Idiot," he muttered to the darkness. "You already have."

~ * ~

[ decided destiny splits and i escape to the sky ]

A thought again: I don't want this anymore.

But he owed Headmaster Dumbledore so much. So much that he could not bring himself to break away.

The blue beckoned him and he found it harder and harder to ignore it.

He could not ignore it anymore. Sirius Black was alive. And, most likely, not after Harry Potter. No, he was after something bigger, something, maybe freedom. Or maybe Remus Lupin himself. After all, when a person has one, the other is also his.

He wondered how Remus Lupin would respond if he told him that.

He wondered if he would shake his head sadly.

Or maybe he would smile.

The year was getting longer.

~ * ~

[ even now, even now i recall
the burning day i saw when i was very young ]

He found himself on top of the North Tower once more, finding himself wishing he was a little bit braver, a little more courageous.

There was a faint sting running throughout his left arm. The insignia of the Death Eaters was giving a faint mark. He knew it was only a matter of time...maybe next month, or next year. It would be soon, though. Soon...

Soon...

He looked down, gripping the ledge. He hauled himself at the edge of the window, standing between with his palms grasping the side frames for support.

How addicting is this feeling of blue? he wondered. Is this a drug that can pull him back to the land of the living, or kill him? It seemed so much that it would be both at the same time, but he knew it could not be true.

He did not know the truth anymore.

He looked down.

~ * ~

[ wearing the endless night sky
i will look for a new world
i want to meet you but i can't meet you
i can't extinguish these wings that have already awoken
i am guided by the nostalgic light
you wave your gentle hand
separated from the future i am used to
i am told of our parting
let's draw a picture of a broken fantasy ]

"I told you," came the mild voice behind him, "I won't let you jump."

Severus did not have to turn around. He did not move from his comfortable position of sitting on the window ledge. He only shrugged. "And I told you I have no intention to," he replied tersely.

"I don't believe that." Remus Lupin moved to stand beside him.

He thought that statement did not deserve an answer so he did not grace it with one.

The howl of the wind grew stronger and for a moment, it was the only voice they heard. Severus found himself wondering again if Remus meant those words, those smile. He clenched his hands again. He'd been doing it more often at the late.

"Even if I did jump," Severus went on, "there would be nothing you could do. You won't catch me. You couldn't."

"I would find a way," Remus told him easily.

Severus closed his eyes. The wind caressed him again, speaking its promise. It was almost like the blueness.

"Severus, is this the only deliverance you've found? Have you never found another way?"

"I can't kill Black yet," he muttered and Remus gave a bitter laugh.

"No," the other professor agreed. "No, you can't, because he still hasn't been found. However...it will be soon, I think."

"I hope so."

"Severus," came Remus's voice again, "you are a smart person."

"No," Severus replied. "I thought you would understand this. I thought wrong, obviously." He stood up, balancing himself on the ledge. "Is this love, I wonder? This constant need for escape, these invisible wings that promise flight, this wind that whispers about affection? Is this love?" He turned and was surprised to see Remus looking at him with sad eyes. He smiled bitterly. "I thought not."

"I won't," the werewolf told him stubbornly. "I won't let you."

"The fall didn't really hurt," Severus whispered, voice barely audible. "It was the realization that I can't fly that did."

Remus did not answer.

Severus turned to him again and smiled, this time a genuine one. One that held no malice or anger or even that childish frustration. He held out his arms, back to the sky. "You promised me you'd catch me," he told him, eyes glinting. "Tell me how."

"I don't know," Remus replied softly, hands clenched on the ledge.

"How?"

"I don't know!"

"Make it fast!"

"I don't know!" Remus screamed.

A pause. "I thought so," Severus whispered, grinning. And he backed away to the invisible arms, embracing the wind that told truth.

Remus wept, raised his wand, and whispered a word.

~ * ~

[ decided destiny splits and i escape to the sky ]

When he woke, he was cradled in an embrace, his hair almost wet with tears. He found himself slipping into hysterical sobs and clutched the body closer, needing this one truth he ever found.

Remus Lupin and Severus Snape stayed that way for a very long time.