"Look at the mist," he says, albeit a little sadly. His short silver hair falls over his eyes, waving with the wind. It is a wonder he can still hear him. "Look at it build."

Shinji doesn't follow. He doesn't look at the mist; instead, he watches the boy before him. Something is odd. Something is wrong. But everything is comfortable; he does not want to intrude.

"It's rising," Kaworu says. He turns his crimson eyes to Shinji's own brown ones. "Soon, we won't see each other again."

"We won't?" Confusion. He does not understand.

"Hold my hand," Kaworu whispers.

And then, Shinji realizes what is wrong. He and Kaworu, standing on the cliff. Kaworu's hair and clothes wave with the wind while Shinji's are still and stiff, as if the wind passes through him. He and Kaworu and the cliff...the mist...nothing more.

"Take my hand," Kaworu repeats sadly.

He and Kaworu...

...the mist builds.

"I'm not ready," Shinji replies quietly.

Tears are on Kaworu's eyes, falling, disappearing in the mist. The whiteness heightens covering Kaworu's face, his body, until only his silhouette remains. Until, it, too, is gone.

"I understand."

...he and Kaworu standing there while he knows...

...Kaworu is already dead.

*

"Don't you feel stupid sometimes?" Shinji asked quietly.

Rei's voice drifted from the other side of the cloth barrier that divided the room for the male and female dressing room. Quiet. "What do you mean?"

Shinji stared at the wall before him, listening to the telltale sounds of Rei's undressing.

"Fighting something we don't understand. The enemy, the Angels. Do we really understand?"

"What is there to understand?" Rei asked him.

"Their purpose, their meaning, where they came from." Shinji stretched his legs and leaned forward, pushing away the plug suit he had just discarded for his school uniform. "What are they? Are they alive? Or was Kaworu--" He stopped and remembered, suddenly choking.

"You are questioning their existence?" Rei emerged finally, already wearing her uniform, light-blue hair brushed neatly on her head.

Something in her tone told Shinji she disapproved but he couldn't tell. One never could really tell with Rei.

"No," he replied, turning to her briefly. "I'm questioning ours."

He caught a quirk on Rei's face and realized it was a starting of a smile. But for the first time, he didn't feel a rush of elated thrill when he saw it. It was as if something had changed. Rei had changed.

Shinji looked away. "I..."

Soft footsteps, then the opening and closing of the door. Rei was gone.

Visions on the wall.

"I miss Kaworu."

*

He remembers the boy whom he learned to love for only a day. He tries not to think of the time Kaworu died. He tries not to remember much.

blood

How did Kaworu die?

my hands

He doesn't want to remember.

Instead, he remembers that one night they spent in each other's company. The only night.

And Shinji had felt so complete, so safe in the middle of a war because of the love of one boy he considered to be his first and only friend. And it was heightened when he learned Kaworu was also a Child of Light, one of the special pilots of the Eva Units. He and Kaworu were the same. Or so he thought.

kaworu

angel

enemy

Everything meant the same.

*

"You changed," Asuka told him suddenly.

Shinji was surprised. They were sitting inside the apartment where they lived with Misato and the topical penguin Pen-Pen. Asuka had been home for only a few days since she was admitted in the mental institution for mental breakdown from the last attack. She was still too quiet.

"Why do you say that?" Shinji asked.

"You don't apologize much now," Asuka replied, leaning on the couch and staring at him as he sat listlessly on the floor. "And you became a little like a pig. A little like Misato-san." And she gave him a big grin that told him of her unease.

"I'm sorry," he said.

Then, Asuka's face changed into rage. "Oh, forget it!" she snapped, quickly rising. "I was wrong. You're still the same. You haven't changed."

But I have, Shinji thought as she stormed out of the apartment. We all have. Even Rei. Even Misato-san. Even you. We all changed.

Why?

*

"I'll wait for you," Kaworu says.

And he smiles.

But he is sad, Shinji notes. Not like the Kaworu he used to know. Not like the Kaworu who used to smile.

Who are you? he wants to ask.

But he knows the answer.

"Just a little while longer," he says instead. He tries to smile but finds he cannot.

*

"It's so beautiful," Misato said softly, right hand caressing Pen-Pen's head. The penguin was lying comfortably against her chest. They were sitting on the balcony, watching the rise of the city from the underground protective barriers. Her eyes were glazed and her smile was wistful.

Shinji's hand clenched.

"Don't you think so, Shinji?" Smiling, she turned to him.

Shinji bit his lip and kept his eyes trained on the towers that rose with the dying sun. "Beautiful," he agreed softly. "But--"

"You hate it," Misato concluded. Her dark black hair was tied at the nape but the soft wind moved some strands that escaped.

Shinji didn't look at her; he was afraid the answer might clearly be on his face. "I didn't say that."

"But it shows, Shinji." Misato smiled. "I can see it. I don't really blame you. I think Asuka hates Tokyo-3 as well. Even Rei. Or Ritsuko-san." She looked away as well, hands stopping on Pen-Pen's head. Her smile was gone. "I hate it as well."

Shinji looked at her, surprised.

"It's so beautiful," Misato went on, "but it's so superficial. So hollow. There is no meaning. What makes a city, Shinji? The people. But, as you can see, there are almost no more people. There are only ghosts."

"I want to leave," Shinji told her softly.

Silence.

"Well...why don't you?"

"I can't." Shinji bowed his head. His fists were again unconsciously clenched. "I...don't know why."

*

"Let me come with you," Shinji tells him.

His heart pounds loudly on his ears, drowning the loud whistle of the wind. Kaworu's smile is real but sad.

"No," Kaworu tells him.

Anger rises in his throat and he can almost taste it. His heart contracts painfully in his chest. He does not understand. "Why?" he demands. "You want me to be with you, and now, I finally agree, you won't! Why? You're already dead, Kaworu, why do you want me?"

"Haven't I told you?" Kaworu asks softly. "I love you."

"Then why do you want me to die?"

The look on Kaworu's face is of mild surprise. He reaches out to touch Shinji's hand, but it is as if there is a wall between them; an invisible wall on the cliff that comes with the mist.

"But, Shinji," the boy says quietly, "you're already dead."

*

Shinji opened his eyes and found himself staring at the ceiling of his bedroom.

A tear rolls from each his eyes.

*

It was either him or me. And he chose for me.

He remembers how Kaworu died.

He remembers climbing in his Eva Unit, mentally denying the fact that was brought to him by the engineers, Ritsuko-san and Misato-san. After all, what did they know of Kaworu?

Terminal Dogma

Kaworu was there.

And Kaworu wished to die. He wished to save Shinji. He told Shinji that. He told Shinji he is an Angel, the Seventeenth One, the enemy, and he is immortal but can die. He told him that he would rather Shinji would live and he dies. And that he loved him. And he smiled.

Shinji remembers how his Eva Unit's right hand gripped Kaworu's body. He remembers how Kaworu looked like a bouquet of flowers held delicately by loving hands. And he remembers how the thumb flicked.

...and how Kaworu's head snapped and fell into the clear waters below.

He remembers crying and whispering the name over and over and over and over and over and over--

He remembers affirming, "I love you, too."

He remembers death.

He remembers dying.

He remembers everything.

*

"What is it you want?"

A cool figure behind the desk, hands crossed over the bearded face, eyeglasses shining against the dim light. Somewhere behind those dark frames were eyes that stared at Shinji; cold, calculating eyes.

But Shinji was strong.

"I don't want this anymore," he told him flatly. "And I mean it this time."

"You want to quit." It is a statement, just as flat.

Shinji's fingers clenched at his sides. "Yes, sir."

"Go."

So simple.

Shinji stiffened; then he turned to his heels and steadily walked away from his father.

*

"I love you," Shinji tells Kaworu.

And happiness alights both their faces. The mist is residing, disappearing. Beyond the cliff, there is the sea, and there is the sun. There is peace.

"Take my hand," Kaworu tells him, laughing.

Shinji reaches out, grinning. "No, Kaworu. Take mine."

Kaworu laughs again and their hands meet halfway. Fingers entwine, feet step closer, bodies mould together in a contented embrace.

Happiness.