Exchanging an unbalanced kiss
Comes close to love
Both your tears and the painful lies
Sleep in my heart

-- "Unbalanced Kissing" by Hiro Takashi (Yu Yu Hakusho)

Did you hate me when I told you I didn't care?

You should. I hope you do. I hope you hate me enough to leave here and never to come back. That's what you should do, and I should be here, ruling my people.

Did it hurt, Jonny?

It should. Because it hurt me, too, to say that lie.

I know this is the best choice for us. That one night together wasn't the start of everything, it was the end. But it wasn't just "one night" to me, Jonny. I know, from the look in your eyes, that it wasn't for you, too.

But when I told you...

I died, Jonny. I almost died. I wanted to so much. I could see the pain slowly seeping in your eyes, then the disbelief. I couldn't bear to see any more. So I ran.

THAT should give you enough clue that I lied.

Still, I'm glad you didn't follow. If you did, I would've broken down and begged you to stay.

What would your father have said? What would my mother have said? What about my people?

I can see it. "Bangalore's Sultan falls for a common American that he lived with."

Their "prim-and-proper" sultan wasn't so "prim-and-proper" at all.

I can practically hear you tell your father that "Hadji isn't going to come and visit anymore."

I betrayed you, and I betrayed myself.

It was the best choice we had. But why does the best have to be the worst? Why did it have to hurt us both?

One day, you'll come back. And then, maybe then, I'll tell you how I really feel. I haven't been able to tell you all that night...we had too little time. Too little, yet precious, time. It would take a day for me to say them all, but I will want you to know.

If I'm lucky, that day will also be the day I die.

I just feel that we should be together somehow. Even though I don't.

Even though you are the one leaving Bangalore, it is ME who's running away from the only comfort and love I've ever known.

Will you forgive me, Jonny?

Maybe not. Most likely never. But I hope you'll understand.

It was all for the best.

It's just too bad it had to hurt.

Goodbye, Jonny.

Visit me when you have the time.

Probably, by that time, I'd have trained myself not to go running to you and draw you in my arms like I would have liked to do.

The mirror has already shattered. I'm too heartbroken to pick up its pieces and put them together again. So I'm leaving it like that until I'm not tired and hurt.

Goodbye, Jonny.

Goodbye.