Today I finally told the oncologist that I'm planning to have Penelope euthanized on May 17. I asked her if Penelope would last that long, she said it's hard to tell and she doesn't know. Penelope's still not back in remission, and they didn't give her another chemo drug today because the blood test showed that her white blood cell count is too low for a treatment (oncologist said usually one week after the previous treatment, the white blood cell count is the lowest). So we'll have another blood test again next Thursday to see if she can get another treatment. The oncologist said that if the next drug doesn't work, then it's going to be one month before Penelope's going to feel really sick from cancer. That's why she doesn't really know Penelope will be able to hold on for another six and half weeks. I think we'll be close (time-wise) if the new drug doesn't work or only works for very short period of time. But it would be good if the new drug puts her back into remission for at least a month. Today they gave her some antibiotics to boost her immune system, and they said to increase her prednisone dosage.
Today when we were at the vet school waiting room, we saw another English Springer Spaniel. She was a lot smaller than Penelope, and her owners said she was 12 years old. Yet she was still very hyper in the waiting room. I told her owners that the dog doesn�t look old because she didn�t have any gray hair around her eyes (like Penelope does), and the owner said that the dog has gray muzzles.
Today they gave her an IV drug called mitoxantron, which costs around $400. It's a pretty effective drug but without many side effects. This is the last drug they can give her, and if this drug doesn't work, then we might have to euthanize her near the end of the month.
When we were getting ready to check out today, we were waiting in the side room so the vet student can ask the oncologist if she needs to continue taking prednisone. At one point I got down and sat with Penelope on the floor and petted her. One of the receptionists came over and asked me if everything was okay, and I told her that Penelope�s just tired and wanted to go home. Then later Penelope�s two dermatologists came up to pet her. Dr. Kliesch said that they heard Penelope wasn�t doing well, but she said Penelope still looked good. Dr. MacDonald said to the pet owner standing next to us that I am the best mom there is. It made me feel so good hearing him say that.
About a week ago Penelope appeared in my dream. And then there she was again today. I've known Penelope for 13 years, but a week ago was the first time ever she's in my dream.
Today I saw a short video of English Springer Spaniels running through the bushes. Suddenly I feel like I started missing Penelope already. She hasn't chased after her favorite ball or done agility for a month now. She has always been the typical hyper Springer, and I miss having her moving around so much.
Penelope died around 6PM today. She and Anastasia and I were on our usual weekend walks on campus. It was still pretty hot even though it was almost sundown. The walk is about one mile long and it usually took us 35 minutes to finish. Penelope got tired near the middle of the walk. I thought it was just because it was hot, and she gets tired easier when it�s hot. About ten minutes left in the walk, she was walking very very slow, and I saw that her gums appeared very white. This had happened twice before, so even though I was a little concerned, I wasn�t that worried. She sat down on the sidewalk about three times, and I tried to carry her, but she was just too heavy. So I just made her get up to continue walking. Then for the next two hundred feet, she was staggering, like she was drunk or something. I still thought it was just because she was really tired. I couldn�t carry her, and there�s only about two hundred feet left until we reach the car, so I dragged her slowly along. When she sat down on the sidewalk for the third time, a woman driving with her little dog asked me if we needed a lift to our car, and I said no. I mean, I wouldn�t get into a car with a complete stranger. About five minutes after that, Penelope collapsed on the sidewalk. At first I tried to get Penelope up again, but her body just went limp, and her eyes closed. Then I saw her body twitch a little a couple times. I got really worried by this time, and I looked at her body for signs of breathing. There was none. That�s when I started panicking. I tried to pick her up, but she was too heavy, then I tried to find somebody to help me to carry Penelope, but it was Saturday late afternoon, there was nobody in sight. I was yelling for help, and I kept saying to Penelope, �Please wake up.� Then about 60 seconds later, I saw this college-age guy walking toward us. I yelled �Help� at him, but he still walked slowly toward us. Then I saw a campus shuttle driving toward our direction, and I just stood in the middle of the street and waved for him to stop. He did. I asked him if he can take Penelope and me to my car, he said yes, but he can�t leave the bus to help me carry Penelope into the bus for me. He said I can have the guy who was walking toward us to help me. By this time, that guy was about 50 feet away, then I yelled at him again. That�s when I realized that he had headphones on and was listening to music, that�s why he didn�t hear me earlier when I yelled to him for help. But he carried Penelope into the bus for me and left. The bus driver drove us to my car that was parked next to the pharmacy building. I�m sure both the college guy and the bus driver thought I was crazy, because I was hysterical by the time and I kept saying things like, �Penelope please wake up�, �I�m sorry, Mommy didn�t mean it� and �Penelope please don�t die on me�. I told the bus driver that Penelope had cancer, but we didn�t expect her to die for another month. He didn�t know what to say except, �I�m sure she�ll be okay.� I wasn�t really crying on the bus because I think I was still in shock. Then at the parking lot, the bus driver carried Penelope off the bus for me (I think earlier he wouldn�t do it because there was another bus parking nearby and he was probably being watched by one of his colleagues). I think Penelope was too heavy for him to carry too because he dropped Penelope on the ground before I could open my car door. After he put Penelope in my car, he said to take Penelope to the vet school emergency room, and I told him that�s what I was going to do. The whole ordeal took probably only five minutes, but it seemed like an hour. The vet school is only about a mile away from the main campus, and I�ve started crying as I was driving. I knew that the people at the vet school probably won�t be able to revive Penelope, because it�s been so long since she stopped breathing. But I just have to try. When we got to the vet school, I ranged twice and waited for about (long) two minutes before somebody opened the door. Usually when there�s an emergency, the owners would call first, and the emergency team would be at the door waiting for the patient. But I didn�t have my cell phone with me, so I couldn�t call first. Then two vet students showed up. One of them used a stethoscope to check Penelope�s heart beat and he also looked at her eyes. Then finally he said he�s sorry, but Penelope�s already gone. He said he would go inside to get the emergency vet that�s on call at the time. I told him that Penelope�s been getting cancer treatments at the vet school, and that she�s been there many many times. Then about one minute later, Dr. Carlson came. She said she knew Penelope (Penelope knew pretty much everybody at the small animal clinic, but I�ve probably met only half of them), and as I was crying and hugging Penelope�s body telling her that I was sorry and that I love her, I saw Dr. Carlson wiping off tears from her own face. Although I know that practitioners are suppose to remain emotionally detached from their patients, it was nice to know that she cared about Penelope enough that her death affected her also. Then she said she was going to get a cart to wheel Penelope into the vet school, and she asked me if I want to go inside. I said no, because I didn�t want to leave Penelope alone outside. Then the vet student and Dr. Carlson came out again with a cart, and the vet student used the towel that�s underneath Penelope to carry her onto the cart. And Anastasia and I followed them into an examination room. Dr. Carlson asked me if I would like to call anybody, and I told her that I would like to call Dr. Ravis and Virginia. She said I can use the phone in her office. At first I didn�t want to leave Penelope�s body, but I had to make the calls. First I called Dr. Ravis� house and it was Mrs. Ravis who answered the phone. She said Dr. Ravis was out picking up their dinner. Then I told her that we are at the vet school and that Penelope had just died. She said she will call Dr. Ravis on his cell phone to tell him to come to the vet school. Then I called Virginia to tell her the news. After that I went back to the examination room. A few minutes later Dr. Carlson came by to see how I was doing, and I told her that Dr. Ravis is coming, and I asked her what we can do with Penelope�s body. I told her that I�ve already prepaid for a cremation service in Atlanta, but they are not open until Monday. She said they can store Penelope�s body in their freezer until that time. Then she left so I could spend more time with Penelope. Then probably 20 minutes later, Dr. and Mrs. Ravis came into the examination room. We sat there petting Penelope and they asked me about all the stuff that Penelope did when she was alive. I felt comfortable crying in front of them because I heard stories about when they lost their previous Bassett Hound, Holly. It was good having them there because I knew they would completely understand what I was going through. And it was so nice talking about all the wonderful things that Penelope had done. Anastasia was in her carrier that was on the examination table the whole time that we were there, and for about three minutes she was trying to get out, but she was pretty quiet the rest of time. Dr. Ravis said Anastasia probably knew something was going on. I probably petted Penelope for about an hour. Then I felt that I had petted Penelope enough for the last time, and that it was really just her body there, her spirit and whatever had made her wonderful were already gone. So Mrs. Ravis looked for Dr. Carlson for me. She came back saying that they are working on another emergency case, so it�ll be a few more minutes before they can take care of us. So we petted Penelope some more. Then Dr. Carlson dropped by, repeating what Mrs. Ravis had told me, and I asked her if I can go to the freezer to drop off Penelope�s body with her, and she said yes. When she came back about twenty minutes later, she said that she was very sorry, but her supervisor said it�s against vet school policy to let me go to the freezer. I told her it�s okay (originally I wanted to go because I just wanted to make sure they label the body correctly so they don�t accidentally mix up Penelope�s body) because I was pretty sure that Dr. Carlson cared about Penelope enough that she will make sure her body will be taken care of, and she said I can pick Penelope up at around 10 on Monday morning. Then Dr. and Mrs. Ravis and I and Anastasia left the vet school and walked toward the parking lot. Dr. and Mrs. Ravis suggested that it probably would be better if I don�t go home right away because I would feel all alone, but to spend some time at their house. And I agreed. So Dr. Ravis drove my car and Mrs. Ravis drove her husband�s car, and we went to their house. When we arrived at their house, Samson (their Bassett Hound) and Abby (their daughter�s yellow Lab) ran toward us. But they put the dogs into another room so they wouldn�t disturb us. After about thirty minutes, I felt like I would be okay going home, and I drove my car, and Dr. Ravis followed me with his car to make sure I would be okay.
I couldn�t sleep at all that night. Mom called and asked me if she needs to come. I told her I�ll think about it. Then around midnight, I took Anastasia to school with me, and I emailed all Penelope�s friends about the news. And then Anastasia and I drove to the spot where Penelope died, and I just sat there crying and thinking about Penelope. We were going to have her euthanized near the end of the month, but I guess she knew it was time to say goodbye. I think I felt that she was beginning to feel pain for the last two weeks, that's why I wanted to move the euthanasia to near the end of April.
This is the last picture that I took of Penelope while she was alive. I took the picture on Friday night, and it shows the shaved area on her arm where she got her IV infusion on Thursday.
I finally managed to sleep for four hours that morning. But when I was about to wake up, I kept hoping that I would feel Penelope getting onto the bed like she always did, and all these would just be a bad dream. But that didn�t happen, so I spent the next few hours crying again.
At first I felt so bad about the way she died, I kept thinking about all the things that I could�ve done to prevent her death, and that I wasn�t even hugging her when she died. But many people told me that I that I had done all I could. They also said that Penelope knew that I loved her when she died. Now I realized that it was probably better than me having to euthanize her. And although the exact timing is unexpected, looking back I can see now that Penelope had been preparing me for that day throughout the last week of her life. Penelope slept on the bed with me most of the time. But during the last week prior to her death, she slept on the floor most of time. I tried to get her to sleep on the bed with me, but she would do it for about twenty minutes and leave. But the night before her death, she slept on the bed on my pillow, and I slept near the foot of the bed but right next to her. Somehow Penelope was preparing for me to sleep alone. Penelope had been the one who slept next to me almost every night for the past four years. It would�ve feel weird to sudden to have to sleep alone, but it wasn�t that hard at all, because I had gotten used to sleep along during the week prior to Penelope�s death. Also, two days before Penelope�s death, when she was walking around the living room, she bumped slightly into the TV as she was trying to sniff my dinner. Then when I was channel surfing a few minutes later, I found out that the Lifetime channel had come back, and it was showing Golden Girls on TV. The Golden Girls is my favorite TV show of all time, but I haven�t seen it since they cut off that channel since the summer. As I was enjoying the show, I thought to myself, when Penelope dies, this show would keep my mind off for at least a few hours a day, even though at the time I wasn�t expecting Penelope to be gone for another month or so. Looking back, Penelope had been so good to me all the way to the end.
Dr. Ravis and Mom called that morning to make sure I was okay. Dr. Ravis even asked me if I would like to go with them to the Easter dinner at the Conrads, but I said no. Then I cleaned the apartment like I always do every Sunday. Later that afternoon, Jean came by to drop off a pot of hyacinth, a pot of fragrant candle, and a Sara Lee cheesecake. Earlier that day I thought about going to the grocery store to get a bouquet of flowers to cheer myself up, but I didn�t feel like leaving the apartment. And the cheesecake was really helpful also because I didn�t have a lot of food in the fridge, but I didn�t want to go to the grocery store to buy some either.
I also called the pet crematory in Atlanta and left a message asking them if it would be okay for them to do the cremation on Monday afternoon, instead of on May 17 (when I met with them last time, they said that as long as I call them before 9 AM, they can do the cremation that afternoon on the same day). Dr. Ravis had said that he was busy Monday morning, but if I wait until Tuesday, then he and Jean can go to Atlanta with me. He also said if I want to wait until the next weekend to have Virginia come, he can ask the vet school to hold the body long (because he teaches a class at the vet school also). But ultimately I decided to do it by myself because I can�t bear the thought of Penelope�s body having to be in the freezer any longer than it has to. And I think with Penelope�s body in the backseat of the car and Anastasia in the front passenger seat with me, it would sort of be just like another trip that we all three take.
Anastasia says, �Big sister Penelope don�t worry, I�ll be a good girl and take care of Mommie for you.� Anastasia has been so good throughout the whole ordeal. She acted like nothing had happened. I remember that when Penelope was at the day care for four hours one day, Oscar strutted around the apartment like she owned the place and acted like she was so glad that Penelope was gone. Although I love Oscar dearly like she�s my own, I�m glad that Anastasia didn�t do the same thing. She still slept with me for a few hours a night, and then stayed by herself the rest of the night like always. She didn�t try to take the advantage of the situation by trying to sleep with me all night long, even though that Penelope�s not here to move around on the bed to make her get off.