by Peter Bart, Variety Editor-in-Chief
HOLLYWOOD (Variety) -
Memo to: Steve Martin and Gil Cates
From: Peter Bart
Re: Oscar excesses
I learned last week that you had both decided to make a return appearance to the Oscar show, Steve as host and Gil as producer. This was good news: You guys had terrific results with the show in the past.
But I couldn't help wonder: Why? Steve explained that "fear and nausea always make me lose weight." That was very funny, but it dodged the question: Who needs the angst?
The Oscar show each year seems polished and professional. Also interminable. The TV viewer never glimpses the frenzy behind the scenes.
Almost never, that is. You guys remember the 1989 Academy Awards show produced by the late Allan Carr -- the infamous Oscar event when everything went wrong.
That was the year Lucille Ball and Bob Hope haltingly introduced a tribute to Young Hollywood -- "the stars of the future" -- featuring a cast of youthful actors and actresses who instantly disappeared.
It was also the year when Tom Selleck explained why he wasn't being funny (as if he had to explain) and Bruce Willis (news) and Demi Moore introduced the cinematography award by showing home movies of their baby.
Finally, it was the year when Rob Lowe sang (or tried to) an opening duet with a simpering actress dressed as Snow White (the Academy formally apologized to the Walt Disney Co. the next day, but never to Lowe).
I managed to dig up Carr's personal "script" for that Oscar night with the help of my friend Brett Ratner, who recently purchased the producer's lavish house and found it in his new den. Leafing through the script, one quickly realizes that the logistics of assembling the cast are as daunting as the show itself.
Carr, the ultimate Hollywood aficionado, had decided to pay special homage to the stars of the past. His notes disclosed what he had to go through.
Kim Novak finally agreed to fly from Carmel, but wouldn't drive. Doris Day agreed to be driven from Carmel, but wouldn't fly. Both naturally insisted that the producer provide hotel suites, wardrobe, hairdressers, handlers and dressing rooms, but wouldn't agree to sit in the audience.
Alice Faye wanted to be driven from Rancho Mirage; she arranged to have her own hair done, but wanted to be assured she could sit next to Dorothy Lamour.
Dale Evans and Roy Rogers agreed to mosey in on their own and bring their own wardrobe but preferred to stay at the Tolucan rather than L'Ermitage with the other old-timers.
Would you want to go through that again, Steve and Gil?
And the younger cast members weren't much easier.
The show had to jet in Willem Dafoe from Poland and Michael Douglas from Seattle. And Willis wanted his own dressing room but also his personal motor home parked outside the Shrine.
What they all should have demanded was a script. That was the year Carr had Merv Griffin singing "I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts." Lowe had to sing, "When you're down in the dumps, try putting on Judy's red pumps and just go to the moving picture show."
Hope told Ball: "Even though we haven't worked together in pictures lately, we still keep up. Last week, the Ayatollah called me to ask if I knew who wrote Ishtar."
They both then introduced a number featuring "the Oscar winners of tomorrow." The aggregation featured Corey Feldman, Tyrone Power Jr. and Matt Lattanzi.
Of course there were high points in the show. Where else could you find the venerable Jimmy Stewart handing out the sound award, explaining "I've always enjoyed a very good relationship with soundmen. Unfortunately, they run out of tape before I'm finished with my sentences."
And who could remain dry-eyed when, at the end, everyone sang "Hooray for Hollywood?" Hollywood deserved its hoorays. After all, it survived the Oscar show of 1989.
I'm sure you guys will deliver a winner this year. Just remember, shorter is better. And don't try to predict the "Oscar winners of the future."
© 2002 Reuters/Variety