He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean."
The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."
The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from the University of Texas and they taught us not to piss on our hands.
Ingredients:
1 Bedroom
2 Smiling Eyes
2 Well Shaped Legs
2 Firm Milk Containers
1 Fur Trimmed Mixing Bowl
1 Large Banana
2 Anxious Nuts
Method:
1. Go to bedroom
2. Look into smiling eyes
3. Separate well shaped legs
4. Squeeze milk containers until trimmed bowl is well greased
5. Add banana
6. Gently work in and out until well greased
7. Cover with nuts
Note: Cake is done when banana is soft.
Wash Utensils.
IF CAKE STARTS TO RISE..............
LEAVE TOWN.
Happy Baking.
However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.
In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was curious as to why.
That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again. "Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years."
They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "Why do you have all that money in he box?"
Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."
A few minutes later she returns and reaches into one man's gown and proceeds to fondle and ultimately begins to masturbate him. Shocked as he was, he asks, "Why are you doing that?" To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure." The man, not wanting to be a problem and enjoying it, allows her to complete her task.
After she is through, she proceeds to the next man. She starts to fondle him as she had the previous man, but then drops to her knees and proceeds to give him oral sex. The first man, seeing this, quickly responds, "Hey! Why is it that I get masturbated and he gets a blow job?"
The nurse simply replies, "That, sir, is the difference between an HMO and Blue Cross/Blue Shield!"
am lying.
On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway
because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.
The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast, when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
"Ed! The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower(pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"
"I am scared!" she pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
(Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without
consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my
circumstances.
Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight"
option. Fleeing straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing hysterical laughter.
At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"
If they had only known.
