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| The Story... oh wait, I almost forgot, of Mrs...no I mean, Mr. Will One day I was walking down the road. And then all of a sudden BAM!!!!! it happened. Now don't ask me what it was because I don't even know. Most people think I was born, but I think I was hit by a flying dirty chiken. Either way, the next day I woke up in the hospital in a white towel type thing. And boy oh boy was I mad...you would be too if you had just shrunk 4 feet and degressed 25 years in the aging process. But anyways, that was 16 years ago and I'm not that old anymore. Wait a minute, I think I was this old before and I remember writing this twice, no wait, once...man, this counting stuff is tough. I guess I have never been too smart about counting, I always ran out of arms. So, seeing as how I could only count to three I decided to enroll in the army. But I could never fill a clip properly so the kicked me there...once...once. And then it turned Sunday and I was a militant migrant worker. Or wait, no I wasn't, I was a rock, or no I was picking them. But anyways, I was a migrant worker picking up chicks in my pinto. Only, the back seat was full of rocks so I could only have one at a time. The hydraulics in my pinto are very...interesting. So, then, I went to the store one day and I turned 16, a year ago which makes me 15 today, last thursday the 17th or was it tomorrow...well, that's besides the point. So anyways...I says to myself "self, I want chicken, I want liver, meow mix meow mix please deliver". But then, this one time at band camp... I typed a report, but I lost it. OK, this isn't funny at all, I'm sorry, but it's just lame. In fact, I think that being a migrant worker is funner than reading this. Seriously though, what have I said, nothing funny, well, maybe it's because this isn't my real life story, so, maybe my real life story is funnier. I was born on Long Island, we lived three blocks from Billy Joel and Christy Brinkley. But anyways, to the more exciting part. You know that stage in every little kids life, where they jump off everything? Well, I had that too, only BETTER!. I jumped off the couch with style...AND with a metal ROD! So, one day, I was jumping off the couch with my metal rod, and when I hit the floor, well basically, the metal rod went straight up my nose. MAN oh MAN, my face was redder than the Red Sea at Christmas time! My nose bled so much, every time I stood up for a month after wards my nose bled. And my parents were madder than a wet dog in a room where you're not allowed to shake your dog. While I was in the hospital, I met a man whose ventures were much more sophisticated than mine. HE helped me define my ambiguous plans for world domination. His name you ask? Well, I don't know it, I was so cracked up on drugs I couldn't see my own sentence. But I turned to the janitro for help, and he read the paper the guy left here, and he liked it. His name was Mr. P. Mr. P is now known as Dr. P. Once he quit his job as a janitor, he started writing a paper to prove his thesis on Rabid Chipmunks. Yet, with the mental constraints that accompany being 4years old did pose a problem for us. So, we delayed our plans for world domination until the time is right. The Mr.P and his Missus went to Rushville, and I went to Gorham. We would search for the perfect moment to make our move...this happened to co-incide when Mr.P and I (Mr. Will) rejoined forces in 2000 ad; three marking periods ago. So, now that we no longer are limited to the physical capacities of 4 year olds, we have engineered our plans and earned new titles. Mr.P finished his paper on The Effects of Rabid Chipmunks on Potatoe Chips Dispersed Omnipresently among the Inhabitants of the United States, and I slowly finished my Mr. internship and moved on to being a doctor. I then wrote a short deragatory story on the life of midshipmans and heroines of war to earn my doctor ship. After that, Dr. P and I were out of work. So, we started to sell farts, for our income. Now, in recent years, the fart industry has been extremely lucrative for us. We used to bottle different smells, and would market them. People would gift wrap them with a pack of our patented fart matches and candles. But, one day, Dr. P came down with a terrible case of dysentary, and he couldn't do it anymore. TO BE CONTINUED! So, ok, we're continuing this bad boy after a short hiatus. Dr. P's wife turned out to be from Nicruagua, you can imagine how surprised he was. It turned out she had been embezzleling all of his money and giving it to the Christian Right in an effort to alienate all liberals. This was not the surprising part though, because, being a doctor and having a PhD, Dr. P knew all of this was ocuring. The surprise was actually that his wife, her name was Jerome, turned out to be a Jewish Nicruaguan. This spurned the name "frewish jeak" which refers to all people who are jewish freaks. So, finding this out, Dr. P naturally divorced his wife and moved in with the next door neighbor, her name was Camilla. She used to pose as an underwear model in her spare time, while she wasn't finishing her Doctrit on the invasion of the rabid chipmunks. This strange similarity caused the two to fall deeply in love. They had 8 kids, 6 of which were born and the other two were Belgian. They were sent to Japan to study their economy. The other six went to school in Rochester and started the gang "the back city rebels". Thier mishaps led them to be jailed in three months. They changed their name to "the back city retards" on acount that they all have an IQ of 36 or lower. Dr. P had himself one more kid, and Camilla threatened to leave him if this one went wrong. So, he gave the kid to me, and I named him "Brak". Brak began doing standup in the back yard while still in his highchair. His most famoush line was "HELP ME, I have a hand grenade for a left foot". HE also sang the national anthem. Dr. P and I later met two people who shared our desire to rule the world. L and R. Their names do not stand for left and right because they only have one hand. This was a big surprise. We changed their names to Roger, and Mike. Now, mike didn't like the first letter of his name, so we changed it to L, this revolutionzed the world of names, for once a person was named "LMIKE". R earned his mistership by...well...you can see on the rest of thispage. And L earned his mistership by becoming to first man to ever work at TCBY and writing a comprehensive essay on Magma: Reaper of Souls. Ok, we're getting sidetracked off my story here! So, the four of us bought a liquor shop, this didn't take off as well as our farting store, since, there is no bodily funcion which produces liquor to our knowledge. So, we began selling ammonia. R and L excelled at this amazingly, their bladders are the biggest this side of the Big Bang. After that started to take off, we started to eat cheese to put more ammonia in our urine. This didn't work as well, L tried to insert the cheese right in his Wang to increase it...well, let's just say, it's a good thing that he is associated with a doctor. We became the richest people in the world by selling out own pets as prostitutes to the population of Penn Yan. Actually, that's a lie, we dressed Adam Green as a sheep, and sent him to a school, everyone could "use" our "sheep" for the amazingly low price of $3.57. Needless to say, we made money. Putting a sheep loose in Penn Yan is like...something really amazing. By this time, we made the richest people in the world look like they weren't. |
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