The Legend of Magma: Reaper of Souls
In the far off, not so distant land, which is too far to walk; yet not far enough to drag the rotting corpse of Bob Saget, there lived a beautiful young girl named Bertha. Young Bertha was a gleeful child who lived life to the fullest. Not a day went by that she didn't waste. One rainy evening, while Bertha was quietly knitting gopher teeth to the bottom of her second favorite broom, a loud knock was knocked upon her door. Followed by several shreaks and gasps of some sort. Then a building fell, causing a local dog to murder a tree. Bertha went to the door and answered it, cautiously. What she saw seized her heart, and she died. Seeing the girl die right before his very eys, caused the rain soaked goat to develop an annoying twitch in his left hoof. Aware that Sophia was actually the town whore, he quickly dismissed her death, labeling it the kindness of God. The goat, entered the small house and sat down to watch Oprah. Suddenly out of nowhere came Berthas older sister, Treehouse. "Who are you, stranger?" "I am a rainsoaked goat, but men call me Steve." "Well Steve," Treehouse replied, "I need to have a baby within the next 47 seconds or my master, that two by four in the corner will flog me!" Hearing that, Steve Goat quickly poured sixteen quarts of Hawiian Punch into Treehouse's 22 foot deep bellybutton. The miracle of life was made!!! Steve Goat decided to christen the babe Reggie Phillip. Immediatly after the christening, Treehouse devoured Steve Goat, and proceeded to implode.-----------------As time went on, Reggie Phillip became a studly rugged outdorsy type, friendly to all wilderness creatures. Still upset about the savage death of his parents, Reggie constructed a magic wedge of cheese. Finally, Reggie was blessed with twin boys, whome he quickly labled Samual and Ronald. He then whirled around, pointed the magic wedge of cheese at his mateing partner, and screamed the magic words: glhjlhlyh;k;jk;jjklTIMMY!!! She became a parking lot.--------- Many more years later Reggie became the successful opperater of a Starbucks coffee establishment on top of a mountain, 5,280 feet in the air. However, Reggie was getting old, and was in dire need of a successor, and a new spleen. Both boys desparetly wanted to take over the Starbucks but only one could, so Reggie decided on a contest. Each boy would climb the mountain, and the first one to the front desk of the Starbucks would be the new owner. Later that day the race was on. Reggie sat at the front desk for days, waiting for one of the boys, for each posessed a brand spanking new L.A. Gear brand spleen. After weeks of waiting, at precisly 11:19 a.m., Ronald strutted into the Starbucks. Reggie was so pleasd to see his eldest son, he quickly put aside the fact that his youngest son, Samual, had been savagly ripped to shreds by M.C. Hammer back up dancers. So Reggie left the store and began his retirement in the Hamptons.-------A few weeks later, Reggie decided to see how Ronald was doing with the new business, and was horrified to see that his most trusted son had blownup the mountain, and turned the Starbucks into a bus garage. Enraged, Reggie knew there was only one solution: the magic cheese wedge. He screamed the magic words, hgjjio;jkl;hfjhlgj;h;TIMMY!!! and sucked Ronalds soul directly into the cheese, leaving behind the shattered remains of his son. "Well son, what have you to say?" "moodatyyyy, weedooowwwneekaTIMMY!!!" "Cripes, i've turned him into a retard in a wheelchair! Aahh, well, he'll never survive." Little did Reggie know that Ronald would soon become a T.V. legend known to all as Timmy. Suddenly Reggie heard a voice! "Reggie." "Who said that?" "I did, the magic cheese wedge. I have a mission for you. You must use my powers to reap souls. Only then will you be worthy of my ultimate knowledge of Par Cheesy. Do you accept?" "I sure do!" "Excellent. Your new name shall Magma! Magma: Reaper of Souls!" And from that day on, Magma traveled all over the Eastern Yukon, and some parts of Ethiopia, reaping souls wherever he could! He still travels on to this day. So remeber, if a well dressed goat shows up at your front door and tries to sell you used rubber nipples, your soul is about to be reaped by Magma: Reaper of Souls!!!!!!!
