manda . r a i //the matrix: a parody

.THE MATRIX : A PARODY.

KEANU

I am Keanu. I am hot & sexy and I am a half Chinese person who likes to play hockey so I will appeal to girls who have the initials AH, and their first name is Amanda. Watch THE MATRIX and then go out and my special MATRIX BRAND SUNGLASSES that cost ONLY $5000. And when your money is all gone, save it up again for my special MATRIX BRAND TRENCHCOAT that costs only $10,000,000. I had them ESPECIALLY MADE for THE MATRIX. Then you can bend backwards and do the MATRIX THING. Dude!

****THE MATRIX BEGINS****

[A BUNCH OF NUMBERS FILL THE SCREEN]
AUDIENCE: AH! I can't read that fast! They're talking too softly!
PEOPLE TALKING ON PHONE: Shut up you dumb AUDIENCE, turn your volumes up way high and then you can hear us talking. DUH!!
AUDIENCE : OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH! We knew that!
[CAMERA GOES TO CARRIE ANN MOSS]
COPS : AHA! We have found you dumb girl! Raise your hands above your head, and don't beat us up, although we know you will because you are the heroine of the movie, and we can't do anything to you.
CARRIE ANN MOSS: [TURNS AROUND AND KICKS THE DUMB COP IN DA NUTS] AHAHAHHAA! All of you shall die! Now watch while I do something totally cool. I will jump up and be suspended there while the camera turns around me, and everyone will go "oooo!"
[CARRIE ANN MOSS JUMPS UP AND IS SUSPENDED IN AIR WHILE THE CAMERA GOES AROUND HER]
AUDIENCE: OOOOOOO!!!!
CARRIE ANN MOSS: [KICKS THE OTHER DUMB COP ON THE HEAD AND JUMPS DOWN] Haha! Told you so! Now I shall run.
[CARRIE ANN MOSS RUNS LIKE HELL ACROSS A BUNCH OF ROOFTOPS AND JUMPS LIKE AN ANTELOPE ACROSS A BUNCH OF ROOFS]
COPS: Ooooo! Ahhhh!! [TRIES TO JUMP LIKE HER, INSTEAD THEY FALL TO THE GROUND] Ooowwwww! SHIT!
CARRIE ANN MOSS: Hahahahaa! Dumb old cops! I shall jump through a window now and roll down the stairs and probably hurt my back!
[DOES WHAT SHE SAID AND THE RUNS LIKE HELL TO SOME WEIRD PLACE]

****OUR KEANU IS SHOWN****

COMPUTER: Eh, Dude! Wake Up. Be like Alice and follow the WHITE RABBIT.
KEANU: Dude? White Rabbit? Dude....
[KNOCK KNOCK]
KEANU: Dude?
THE GUY: Dude, gimme the thing.
KEANU: Dude [GIVES SOME DISKS TO THE GUY]
THE GUY: Dude. Wanna partah wit us 2nite?
KEANU: Dude
THE GUY: Ok, good see ya there.
[THE GUY LEAVES]
KEANU: Dude

****AT THE PARTY THINGIE****

KEANU: Dude
CARRIE ANN MOSS: I know the answers.
KEANU: Dude
CARRIE ANN MOSS: Let's go.
KEANU: Dude

****AT THE OFFICE THINGIE****

KEANU: Dude, I'm late!!
AUDIENCE: [GASP] Omigosh! He said something other than DUDE!
KEANU: DUH
AUDIENCE : WOW!!
KEANU: Dude [GOES TO WORK]
BOSS: Dude, you're always late
KEANU: Dude
WINDOW CLEANERS: SQUEAK SQUEAK
BOSS: You suck, go work
KEANU: Dude

[AT HIS COMPUTER]

UPS GUY: Dude, you gotta package
KEANU: Dude
UPS GUY: Sign please
KEANU: [SIGNS]
AUDIENCE: GASP! He's LEFT HANDED! Why are all hot guys left handed?
KEANU: Dude
[TAKES OUT A PHONE] [THE PHONE SNAPS OPEN BY ITSELF]
AUDIENCE: DUDE! I want THAT PHONE!! GIMME THAT PHONE.
KEANU: [HOLDING PHONE PROTECTIVELY] NO DUDE! Hello?
AUDIENCE: WWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
MORPHEUS: Dude, get the hell out of your work place.
KEANU: Ok [RUNS AROUND WITH A PHONE TO HIS EAR, LOOKING LIKE A MONKEY OR SOMETHING] Am I done yet dude?
MORPHEUS: Climb up the roof
KEANU: No dude, I'll die
MORPHEUS: Fine, then you will get a bug in you, and then the directors get to use a bunch of special effects, and people will pause their VCRs or DVDs just to see you shirtless.
KEANU: Dude, ok. A bunch of chicks will be lookin at me.
MORPHEUS: Yeah dude
KEANU: Ok, I'll get caught and get the bug in me.
MORPHEUS: You suck [CLICK] [HE HANGS UP]
KEANU: Dude

[IN THE ROOM THINGIE]

KEANU: Dude, why’d yo take me here dude?
AGENT: Dude, you were bad dude.
KEANU: Dude
AGENT: Dude, I’m gonna put a bug in you now.
KEANU: Dude, the chicks will get to see me shirtless now. Bug away dude!
AGENT: Ok dude
KEANU: Wait! I have to say my line!
AGENT: Ok dude, say it
KEANU: How bout I give you the FINGER, and you give me the bug?!
AGENT: Dude, ok, gimme the finger!
KEANU: [GIVES HIM THE FINGER] Dude?
AGENT: Dude, ok, here’s your bug.
KEANU: YEAH DUDE!!! TAKE MY SHIRT OFF!!!
AUDIENCE: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! [HALF OF THE WOMEN FAINT]
KEANU: DUDE!!! I am the SEX GOD!!!
AUDIENCE: [REST OF WOMEN FAINT]
KEANU: Dude, now who will see me shirtless?
AUDIENCE: [THE GUYS] YEEEEEAAAAAH BABY!!!
KEANU: DUDE! Get away from me!!
AUDIENCE: DUDE!!!
KEANU: Dude! Wake the chicks up! [STRIKES STRIKING POSE ON SCREEN]
AUDIENCE: [GUYS] OOOOOAAAAAHHHH!!! I WANT THOSE ABS!
KEANU: DUDE! [PUTS HIS SHIRT BACK ON] Wake up the CHICKS!!
AUDIENCE: Man! Do we have to?
KEANU: Yeah! Wake up the chicks!
AUDIENCE: Ok chicks, wake up! [GIRLS WAKE UP]
KEANU: Dude! Chicks! Look at me!
AUDIENCE: [WOMEN FAINT AGAIN]
KEANU: Dude! I’ll just have to put my shirt back on, since none of the chicks will look at me!
AUDIENCE: [GUYS] Noooo!! Keanu! TAKE YOUR DAMN SHIRT OFF!
KEANU: DUDE! Are you all gay or what?!
AUDIENCE: [BIG FAT BLONDE WOMAN REVIVES HERSELF AND STANDS UP] Don’t use that language Keanu! Use LAME, not GAY! Gay is BAD! Shame Shame Shame!! [SHAKES FINGER AT KEANU]
KEANU: Dude, crazy woman!
CRAZY WOMAN: Say it young man! LAME! I am LAME! Not GAY! I AM LAME!!
KEANU: Dude! I am LAME! Happy?
CRAZY WOMAN: [LAUGHS] NO! Not YOU! Me!! I AM LAME!!
KEANU: Dude! Ok! YOU are LAME!!
CRAZY WOMAN: [SATISFIED] Good boy [SITS DOWN]
KEANU: Dude! Women these days! Where was I?
CRAZY WOMAN : You were debating whether or not to take off your shirt.
KEANU: Dude! Thanks dude. Dude.
AGENT: Ok, I guess you can’t do what you wanted to do now.
KEANU: Dude! Dude! That sux! Dude!
AGENT: Hahahaha! Too bad for you! Now I shall put the bug in you. Actually I shall first glue your mouth together so you can’t talk, and THEN put the bug in you.
KEANU: Dude, NO!
AGENT: [EVIL LAUGH] Hahaha! [GETS SUPER GLUE] Come here dude! [GRABS KEANU AND PUTS SUPER GLUE ALL OVER HIS LIPS AND PRESSES HIS MOUTH TOGETHER] [KEANU CAN’T TALK ANYMORE]
KEANU: [SCARED LOOK IN EYES] MmmPhphmmPhdude!
AUDIENCE: HEEEEEYYYY!!! THAT’S sooooo MEAN!!! You can’t do that to our KEANU!!! Bad AGENT! Bad!
AGENT: Hahahaha! Give me the BUG!! [A BUG SQUIRMS TOWARD THE AGENT, THE AGENT PICKS IT UP]
KEANU: MMMmMMmmmMMmmmDuDeBOP!
AGENT: [DROPS BUG AND COVERS EARS] AAAAHH!!! Evil HANSON SONG!!
AUDIENCE: Ahhhhh!!! EVIL HANSON SONG!!
KEANU: MmmmmmmMMMmmdUdEbOP!
AUDIENCE: [RUNS AWAY]
KEANU: MmmmmmmBOP!
AGENT: [UNCOVERS EARS] I think that means COME BACK! Come BACK!!
AUDIENCE: Is the evil Hanson song over?
AGENT: I guess I will have to unapply the super glue huh?
KEANU: MMMMMMMMMMMMBOP!
AUDIENCE : [RUNS AWAY AGAIN] AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
AGENT: Hey! Come back! Come back! Man! I have to take the super glue off now! Oh wait! I’m the bad guy! I can’t do that! Hahahahaha! Bye!
KEANU: MMMMMMMMMMMBOP!

****[KEANU IS SLEEPING] [THE ALARM RINGS]****

KEANU: MMMMMMMMMMDUDE!
[CARRIE ANN MOSS APPEARS] Dude, come with me, I have the answers again.
KEANU: MMMMMMMMBOP!
CARRIE ANN MOSS: Dude, your mouth is sealed shut with super glue, well almost shut, since you can obviously say MMMMBOP quite well!
KEANU: MMMMBOP!
CARRIE ANN MOSS: Shut up. Now you will follow the bridge to the end and stand their like a sad puppy in the rain, and the audience will go... “AAAAAWWW!!! Poor Keanu is in the rain!” Ok?
KEANU: MMMMBOP!
CARRIE ANN MOSS: [RUNS LIKE HELL TO WHEREEVER SHE’S GOING]
KEANU: [STANDS IN THE RAIN] MMMBOP!
AUDIENCE: Awww..... lookit POOR KEANU! He’s standing in the rain!!
KEANU: Mmmmmdude!
AUDIENCE: Hurry Carrie Ann Moss! Save him!
CARRIE ANN MOSS: [DRIVES UP IN SLEEK BLACK LIMO CAR THINGIE] Dude, get in.
KEANU: Mmmmbop!
CARRIE ANN MOSS: Now I will apply super glue remover to you, and you will stop saying Mmmmbop! [APPLIES SUPER GLUE REMOVER]
KEANU: Dude!
CARRIE ANN MOSS: Good that’s better.
AUDIENCE: Yay! Keanu is saved!
CARRIE ANN MOSS: Now let’s get out and run like hell to the castle.
[KEANU AND CARRIE ANN MOSS RUNS LIKE HELL TO THE CASTLE]
MORPHEUS: Dude, FINALLY you’re here!
KEANU: Dude
MORPHEUS: Do you like red or blue better?
KEANU: Dude?
MORPHEUS: DO YOU LIKE RED OR BLUE BETTER?
KEANU: Dude
MORPHEUS: Ok, take the red pill.
KEANU: DUDE! [TAKES THE RED PILL]
MORPHEUS: Good, now you will be born in the Matrix, and you will look very disgusting, and this will be the only part that the adults see, and they’ll immediately think that this movie is disgusting. And you will be totally bald and not have any hair at all.
KEANU: Dude!
AUDIECE: Eeeewww... Keanu can’t be BALD!
KEANU: Dude
MORPHEUS: Ok, you’re going into the Matrix now.
KEANU: Dude
[GETS SUCKED INTO A MIRROR AND WAKES UP IN A PUDDLE OF FAT]
Dude!
[FEELS HIS BALDNESS AND HAIRLESSNESS]
Dude!
[GETS STUCK WITH PINS]
Dude!
[GOES INTO A COMA]
Dude!
AUDIENCE: Ewww! Keanu is BALD!
KEANU: [WAKES UP FROM COMA] Dude, I am the One. I am Neo. Worship me.
MORPHEUS: No you arent.
KEANU: Yes I am.
MORPHEUS: No you won’t. You will jump.
KEANU: Dude
MORPHEUS: [TAKES THEM TO THE TOP OF A BUILDING] Ok dude, you jump I jump remember? Never let go Neo, never let go.
KEANU: DUDE! [JUMPS] AAAAAHHH! [HITS THE GROUND]
AUDIENCE: Awww... poor Keanu! That must hurt! Poor baby!
KEANU: Oww
MORPHEUS: Good, now try to hit me.
KEANU: [TRIES TO HIT MORPHEUS AND FAILS] Dude
MORPHEUS: Dude, you suck. Now rescue me.
[MORPHEUS GETS TAKEN AWAY BY THE AGENTS AND GETS LOCKED UP IN A ROOM]
KEANU: Dude! Carrie Ann Moss! We need trenchcoats! And sunglasses! And guns!
CARRIE ANN MOSS: Ok! How many?
KEANU: TONS of guns!
AUDIENCE: Yes! The LOBBY SCENE IS COMING UP!
[KEANU AND CARRIE ANN MOSS GETS TAKEN INTO THIS WHITE SPACE WEARING THEIR WAY COOL TRENCHCOATS AND SUNGLASSES]
KEANU: [WALKS THROUGH THE REVOLVING DOORS] See my trenchcoat. See my sunglasses. See my guns. See my boots?
Good
Now go buy them.
[WALKS UP TO THE SECURITY GUARDS]
Dude, let me through.
SECURITY GUARD: Do you have any metal
KEANU: Dude
[OPENS TRENCHCOAT TO SHOW GUNS]
SECURITY GUARD: Holy shit!!
GIRL FROM AUDIENCE: All hail the HOLY SHIT! Oh Holy shit we WORSHIP YOU! [BOWS AND HITS HER HEAD ON THE FLOOR]
KEANU: Dude [SHOOTS EVERYONE LIKE HELL]
[ARMED TROOPS RUSH IN]
TROOPS: FREEZE!
KEANU: Hahahahahahahha! [LOOKS AT CARRIE ANN MOSS AND NODS]
[THEY JUMP AWAY WHILE SHOOTING AT EVERYONE]
[THEY DO A LOT OF COOL TRICKS]
[CARRIE ANN MOSS DOES A CARTWHEEL OFF THE WALL]
[KEANU RUNS PISSEDLY]
[TROOPS ALL DIE]
[KEANU PUTS BOMB IN ELEVATOR AND EVERYTHING EXPLODES]
AGENT: [SPRINKLERS COME ON] It’s raining! It’s pouring! Keanu is winning!
AUDIENCE: Yeah! That was cool!
KEANU: Yeah, totally. Let’s go steal a helicopter Carrie Ann Moss!
[THEY GO TO THE ROOF AND SEES A HELICOPTER]
KEANU: Dude! It’s a helicopter! Let’s steal it!
CARRIE ANN MOSS: Wait! You need to do your MATRIX THING!
KEANU: Oh yeah! Watch closely! Someone shoot me!
AGENT: [RUNS UP AND SHOOTS AT KEANU]
KEANU: Dude! [DOES THE MATRIX THING]
AUDIENCE: Oooooo... AHHHHH.... [EVERYONE STANDS UP AND TRIES TO DO IT, EXCEPT THEY END UP FALLING ON THEIR BUTTS]
KEANU: Hahahahaa! Dude, you all SUCK!
AUDIENCE: You suck! You’re so mean! We hate you!
KEANU: Watch, I am going to die and you’ll be sorry.
AUDIENCE: Yeah right!
KEANU: [FIGHTS AND RUNS LIKE HELL TO THE SUBWAY] Ok evil agent dude, fight me.
AGENT: Ok
[THEY FIGHT AND SHOOT AND STUFF]
[THE AGENT PUSHES KEANU INTO THE RAILWAY]
KEANU: You evil agent dude!
AGENT: Bye bye bye Mr. KEANU!
KEANU: My... name... is... dudely... NEO!!
[KEANU JUMPS UP AND PUSHES THE AGENT INTO THE PATH OF THE TRAIN AS IT COMES] [KEANU IS SAFE]
AUDIENCE: See? You didn’t die!
KEANU: Dude! [RUNS LIKE HELL TO ESCAPE FROM THE EVIL AGENT DUDE AS HE COMES OUT OF THE SUBWAY]
KEANU: Dude! [HE HEARS A PHONE RINGING] Dude! After that phone!
[THE EVIL AGENT DUDE IS CHASING HIM]
KEANU: Dude! [HE REACHES THE PHONE THAT IS RINGING IN AN APARTMENT-CARRIE ANN MOSS’S APARTMENT] Dude! Yes! [OPENS THE DOOR] [THE EVIL AGENT DUDE IS STANDING THERE]
KEANU: Dude! What are you doing here?
AGENT: Hahahaha! Die! [HE SHOOTS AT KEANU SIX TIMES]
AUDIENCE: Ahhh! Evil agent dude! You’re so mean! Stop shooting at our Keanu!! Nooooooo!! [THEY WATCH IN HORROR AS KEANU DIES]
AGENT: Hahahahaa! [EVIL LAUGH]
AUDIENCE: Nooo! Keanu! You can’t die!
CARRIE ANN MOSS: Dude, wake up!
KEANU: [WAKES UP] Dude! I am the ONE! I am NEO! Worship me!
AUDIENCE: Yay! Our Keanu is alive!
KEANU: Die evil agent dude! I will jump in you, and everyone will go EEWWW as I blow up your brain!
[JUMPS INTO THE AGENT DUDE AND BLOWS UP HIS BRAIN]
[EVIL AGENT DUDE EXPLODES]
KEANU: [BREATHES] Duuuuuudddeee.... [CLOSES HIS EYES]
OTHER EVIL AGENT DUDES: Ahhh.. should we run?
KEANU: [OPENS HIS EYES]
OTHER EVIL AGENT DUDES: Yes we should! [THEY RUN LIKE HELL]
CARRIE ANN MOSS: Keanu! Answer the phone!
KEANU: Dude! [ANSWERS THE PHONE]
MORPHEUS: I told you dude, you were the one.
KEANU: Dude, I told YOU!
MORPHEUS: Whatever dude. Go fly.
KEANU: Dude! [FLIES WITH HIS WAY COOL SUNGLASSES AND TRENCHCOAT]
AUDIENCE: Wooho! Keanu is alive! Now he can make more Matrix Movies! Yeah!
CRAZY LADY: That was lame!
GIRL FROM AUDIENCE: All worship the Holy Shit as you exit the building!
KEANU: Dude...

back to writings