My parents named me Dick
Thank a family tree that’s generations thick
Tried to tell you but you
Look at me as though I've got a terminal disease
Sorry to displease

As a kid I cried
They teased me harshly and it made this Dick decide
I should change my name and hide it from the crowd
Never let it out
But I’m finished as a closet case
And now I’m out and proud!

CHORUS:
I’m a Dick, not a Richard
Not a Rick, get the picture?
Ricky’s just for slimy flirts
And Rich describes desserts
Mr. Clark, and Van Dyke
You know what this feeling's like
'Cause now I wouldn’t go by any other name

So make your jokes, my friend
I have heard them all and surely will again
Laugh it up, you think your wit’s so penetrating
So you use up every ounce
But your name’s always dickless
AND MINE'S GOT IT WHERE IT COUNTS!
[Repeat CHORUS]