Disclamer: Some people might find this offending. If you are one of those that thinks that a lesbian relationship is offending. Please stop reading. Don't email me and bug me. I wrote this story just for fun, so it is just part of my crazy imagination. Doubt it will happen in real life even to me. This story solely belongs to me. Do not copy it without my permission. Enjoy reading!
"NO NO NOOOO!!! You can't do this to me. You can't. I love you.. please don't torture yourself or me like that! please please!!!" Those words rang soundly in my head every night I sleep until now. Have I made the right decision? I wonder. But I know this is what I want. I have wanted this since I am a kid. How can this be wrong. It was 5 years ago. I wonder where she is now. I had begged her to stay, I even dumped the hormone therapy program and stayed with her but she left me in the end anyway. I wonder whether she will agree with me now if she is still here. I wonder whether I will still do this if she is still here. Anyway, I better sleep now, I had to leave early tomorrow to be in time for the therapist's appointment.
"Hi doc, good morning"
"Morning Mark, how are you feeling today? The doc is staring in my eyes, I feel like hiding... hiding and tugging the pain away. I know she could see through me, no point in lying, it will just make matter worst.
Am I that invisible? "Hmmphhffffff! Actually I am not feeling well".
"What's wrong? Care to tell me?" Doctor Carol ask sincerely, while flipping over some pages and start writing.
"Its about Julie again.. I can hardly sleep thinking of her. I don't even know now that I should continue with this program. I look down at the floor... feeling depress. I have restarted the testosterone injection.
"Its been 5 years mark.. right? Its time for you to let go. Go and have some fun.. find someone else to be with instead. And about the program, we have been in it for 6 months, do you want to quit now?" the doc knows that I will not let go anyway.
"No no.. I like the program, I feel that its part of me, I feel myself in it. I want to become a real man. I am not stopping at this point. Its just Julie... I told her with the pain in my eyes.. remembering the day when the accident happen. I should be there.. with her, I would rather be gone with her than being left behind alone. I dun really know how I had lived these 5 years without her. I had tried a few suicides attempt without success. I could not bring myself to do it. Why why.. why am I not there? If I am there... maybe I would take the hit instead of her, I could even save her.
The doc wait in silence.. while these thoughts flooded into me. Then she spoke with a very gentle voice. " Mark I know what you are thinking. You can't do anything to change the reality. She is dead. Its that lousy drunk driver that cause it, you can do nothing. Its not
"No doc, I really like this program.. But I don't think I am prepared for the surgery. I know you can't change back after that."
"Its not only about julie is it, Mark? Its something more than that right? Tell me what it is Mark, you know you have nothing to be afraid of me," She said softly this time.
"Well, I like this, I love it, I like dressing like this, living like this, but there is the problem of sex doc", I look at her with my cheek red.. embarassed that I even utter the word.
"Hmmmm... I know what you mean. But isn't this why you came into the program at the first place? I remember on the first day that you came in, you are so insistent that you need this. The surgery won't be half a year later, and if you are not ready for it, we can always extend it Mark. But what I think you need is really to go out, have some fun, meet someone new", The doc said this while reaching her hand out holding firmly on my arm.
"Thanks doc. I will try."
"Mark your words, next month, I want to hear you making some new friends", the doc said with a stern voice.
I just nod my head to her. "See you again next month I guess", I stood up, shook her hand and left.
28 days pass by and I have not even might any slight progress in making any sort of new friends. I am still in my shell.. hiding in my house. Trying to let the memory of her, keep me alive. Every corner I turn in the house, I could remember her smile, the way her black eyes look at me, the way her long black hair fall onto her shoulder. It is as if she is still living with me, watching every move I make.
Its Saturday, and the appointment with the doc is on Monday. Ok, I have decided to go out and try, don't want to get nagged by her. I have made a promise to her, so I intend to try at the least.
Usually I would take some time and pick out the proper clothing. But tonight, I am in the least interest in picking up anyone, so I just dump on a blouse, a black jean and headed out.
I bought myself a mud slide and sat comfortably in one of the chairs around the room. Then, I hear someone speaking on the stage. I wonder what's up. This doesn't look like the usual singing and dancing show that I am accustomed to. It must be something new. I pick up one of the flyers and start reading the headlines, it says, "DRAG SHOW". Now, I could understand why they are charging double the usual door price to get in here. I thought it was just inflation, 5 years would double the price right? I have never been to a drag show before, but since I am here, I might as well enjoy it.
One after another ladies came up the stage and I stare at them with disbelief in my eyes. "Gee.. I can't believe this. They look sooooo sexy!!! If I did not know it is a drag show, I would have gone to any one of them and introduce myself!!!" my head shouted while my eyes were glued to the stage.
Then I feel something touching my shoulder, and I bolted right out of my chair, thinking "Oh great, what on earth was that?" I look around and saw a stunning young lady speaking to me. "Oh I am sorry that I have startled you. Are you ok?"
I just noded my head and look at her with a questioning look.
She sensed my gaze and answered my question, "I could not find a place in this crowded room until I saw this chair beside you. I was just wondering whether there is anyone with you."
I shooked my head at the answer but kept my lip uptight.
"So well, can I sit down please?"
I just look away from her and continue my admiration of the stage.
"Aren't they pretty?" She said and sat down next to me while I just make a slight nod of my head.
The show was almost over, only then did I realize that I was there for hours, and my back was hurting a bit thanks to my lousy sitting position on the chair. I turn my head and found out to my utter amazement that she was still there and she was staring right at me.
She was looking at me like I was her prey and my body shivered at the thought.
"My my, aren't you a quiet one", She moved closer to me and whispered in my ears, "I wonder how you sound like in bed", her left hand glided slowly up and down my left thigh.
I didn't move. "What am I doing?" I asked myself. I should be pushing her away. I don't need this tonight.
She nibbled on my earlobe and then down to my neck. I remained silent through all these. But my body was burning with a desire I had never known existed. My mind raced to free myself of all these but my body is not under my command anymore. Somehow it has its mind of its own and I was in fear. What has happen to me? Is she a witch? Has she cast a spell on me?
"Relax handsome", she whispered in a sultry low tone, so that I am the only one who could hear it, while her other hand move towards the back of my body kneading every tensed muscle there.
While she was doing all these, her lips did not stop. It finds its way down between my two peaks that were rising high. She buried a long kiss in between them and those peaks somehow rose higher.
A moan escaped through my lips without me knowing it. My mind keep telling me that I have to get out of here!!!
She say in a seductive tone, "The sound you make are wonderful sweety, lets leave and go somewhere." She pulled me up from where I am sitting and led me out of the door.
The moment we reached outside, I shook away her hand and ran as fast as I can, I need to get away from her! I ran towards my bike and rode away. When I look back, she was standing there shocked at my reaction. I do not remember where I was going and before I knew, I was back home. My hands and legs has just taken its free will to take me home.
That's the last thing I remember when I got up the next day. I am terribly late for the appointment!!!
"Mark, did you know that this is the first time you are late?" Doctor Carol teased me.
"Sorry doc, I overslept last night" I pleaded her with my eyes so that she can spare me some extra time.
"It's ok Mark, I have some time. You are one lucky girl, my next appointment was cancelled last minute. So actually, we have plenty of time. Come on, sit down. Tell me, what have changed in your life that make you late? I know that you are a very punctual person, never late for anything. But I guess something happen right? Or did you found a girl that I was suggesting?" the doc tease me again.
I guess we have known each other too long and it surpass the normal therapist-client relationship. She is becoming more of a friend these days. Since when? I guess since Julie pass away. Gosh, I did not notice it until now. I smiled at her, but when I spoke, I turn solemn again, "Well I did what you told me to do, so I went to a club and met this girl." I told her what happen the previous night.
"So can you tell me why you ran away?" the doc ask me in a soft reassuring voice.
"I don't know."
"No you do know, you have to try harder and give me a better answer than that," Carol tried again.
I was silent for a few minutes and the doctor sat there silently with me. She knew that I would tell in my own time. I closed my eyes and told her, "I couldn't control myself! I hate losing control. My body was not listening to me!!! I was telling it to leave, but it just refuse. She is a witch I think because I can't do anything and I follow her out. And I was glad that when we were out of the bar, the spell broken somehow, and I ran as fast as I could."
"Have you ever felt this out of control thing in your life before?"She ask me.
"Yes when Julie left me." I said with such great pain in my voice.Tears welled up in my eyes and I tried to withhold myself from crying.
Carol somehow sense it and move slowly towards me. She hold out her hand and embrace me. And I cling tightly against her and sobbed. "Its ok Mark, let go and cry all the pain away," she said this while stroking my back. I sobbed harder.
After my crying subsided, I look up at her and saw the most tender loving eyes I have ever seen. Instinctively, I rose higher and kiss her lips. Then, I pulled away quickly and ran towards the door. I am running again. "Idiot, why did you do that!", I was scolding myself.
Before I close the door behind me, I heard her calling me, "Mark, make sure you make the appointment for next month."
I did as I was told of course. At least, I have one month to think about why I just did.
Carol sat in her office looking at the door, hoping that her gaze would somehow penetrate the door. She wanted to see Mark again. "Oh great! She knows now! Did she feel it? I have been lusting over her for five whole years now after Julie's death. Now she knows. How am I going to face her next time? I am her therapist for god's sake! I can't be lusting over her can I? What should I do now? Maybe I should be seeing a therapist too!" Carol was mumbling to herself and stopped after she heard the bell ring, this means the next client is coming up. She told herself loudy, "Girl! You have to get a grip of yourself! You have work to do! Thinking can be done later."
Day and night I worked, trying to forget Carol, but it does not work. Anywhere anyday, any moment the image of her filled my mind. How come I could not forget her? She is my therapist! I should have control over myself. I could not have fallen for her could I? How could I have betrayed Julie!!! She meant so much to me, more than anything else on earth.
The day finally arrived where I need to go see Carol. I woke up at 6am, unable to sleep. I can't go to sleep. Everytime I sleep I dreamt of making love to Carol. It is driving me insane! The appointment is at 10am. So there is four hours to go. I better do something to kill my time.
I hoped onto my lovely harley-davidson bike, turned on the engine and started my morning stroll across town. I feel the wind against my skin. It feels good. I don't have to feel anymore, let this sensation drown all my fears and sorrow.
Without thinking what I was doing, I automatically drove to Carol's office and came to a halt when I spotted a shadow by the door. I wonder who it is this early in the morning and decided to check it out.
As quiet as I possibly can, I slipped across the parking lot and found to my amazement Carol, crouching next to the door. I slipped towards her and tap my hand on her shoulder.
"Hey there," I whispered softly.
"Oh you scared me Mark!"
"Well, I thought you were a thief. About to call 911 honestly. Lucky it is you, what are you doing so early?" I enquired.
"Nothing, I just came early to fix things up", Carol said while getting the door unlocked.
"You want some help to carry these stuff?" I looked around seeing a few bags of goodies she was carrying around her. "What is the occasion?"
"Oh, it's one of my colleagues birthday and I thought to just have a surprise party for her. Sure you can help me."
My eyes trailed her back while she walked upstairs. Gosh she is so sexy! The way she walks makes me yearn for her even more.
Without thinking twice, I moved towards her and grab her on the hand and pulled her towards me. Our eyes met and I saw a longing look in her eyes. That is when I knew that I had to kiss this woman. My icy heart melted when our lips met. We were in another world of our own. I just wish that this moment would last longer before she broke our kiss.
"I'm sorry, we shouldn't have done that,"Carol said.
"I'm sorry too, to have fallen for you," I looked like a hurt puppy.
"We have to talk about this, come here." She lead me upstairs and sat me opposite of her.
"I don't mean to hurt you." Gosh, I hate it when she looked through me again, knowing that I actually do get hurt at times although I don't show it. I don't know what to say so I kept my silence listening to whatever she wants to say.
"Okay, I have to admit that I do find you attractive. But I can't date you"
"Why not?"
"Because I am your therapist and it is unethical for me to date you."
I moved towards her and place a finger on her lips, "Shhhhhh... say no more." Then I started kissing her with intense hunger. I am going to show her how much I want her. I can feel her kissing me back with equal intensity. That is when I knew that she want me as much as I want her. I trailed my kisses down her neck while rocking my knee in between her legs. I can hear her moaning softly. "Something that feels this good couldn't be wrong," I whispered in her ears. Then, I stopped what I was doing and stand up. "I'll be back during our appointment." Then, I walked straight out of the door. I knew that she was looking at my back with an unmistaken need. I have other plans in mind.
When the clock struck 11am, I walked into her office. I can see that she has a serious look in her face. I guess she has gotten herself off thinking of me. There is no longer that sort of need in her eyes. But it is okay. I will stroke the fire within her again.
"Mark...."
I didn't let her finish her sentence. In one sweeping move, I lead her towards the therapist couch that was so familiar to me and lay her down on her back. I took off her panties and climb on top of her and positioning my body fully against her.
There is a shocked look in her eyes. Then, utter desire. I can see the fire igniting in her eyes. I knew she can feel it. I came packed.
I can still see some left over resistance but I will have none of it. I held both of her hands high up over head head with both of my hands. Then, I started moving against her with a slow rocking motion.
"I will make you mine!" whispering into her ears hoarsely. Then, I entered her slowly. Her resistence melted and I can sense that she is giving into me completely, fighting no more. I started on a painfully slow rhythm; until I hear her moaning my name. That is when I knew she could no longer take it anymore.
"Ride with me my dear" Seeing the node of her consent, I increased the pace of our rhythm and rode her with the ferocity that I never knew existed. We went over the top of the mountain together into total ecstacy. I have finally made her mine.
I stayed inside her for a minute or two until we both calm down a bit and stop panting. Our sweat mixes together and the sweet scent of sex lingers in the room. It is the prove of what have just happened.
Then, I rose from her and rearrange my clothes. Carol didn't say a word but she was giving me a penetrating look. She is trying to undress me with her eyes. I gave her a very tender sweet kiss. "I'll see you after work at 5.00pm, wait for me here." Then, I marched out of the door.
-- To be continued --
~ Written by Fei
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