Santa jokes

ok you all - this is kinda graphic - so if that offends you please leave now

other wise enjoy and happy holidays !

Subject: 12 Days of Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat,
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat,
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude,
We had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube,
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner, and momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself,
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of the sled,
A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
"Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee."
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jockies, to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash,
His suit was all smelly, with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, so I'll stay for a while."
He walked to the kitchen and poured himself a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee.
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several more things I shouldn't even mention.
A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
And a dildo so long that it lay in  a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids; Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve,
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, and took reigns of his hitch,
Saying' "Take me home, Rudolf...this night's been a bitch!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard
Santa shout,
"The best thing about pussy is that you can't wear it out!"
Season's Greetin's to ya'll

Santa is What ?

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe Santa's gay.
Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a hard time believing a straight man could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, think about the planning that goes into an event like Christmas.

Even Martha Stewart is envious.  Straight men have day jobs, so they wouldn't have time to stand at the local shopping malls and ring a bell all day.  But if you're a gay, out-of-work Actor/Dancer/Waiter it's the perfect gig until you get your big break.

Also, if he were straight he would have picked a more masculine animal than the reindeer to get him around, like horses or oxen, but the reindeer just happens to appeal to Santa's inherent sense of grace and beauty.

And those names: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen?

Fill in the blanks.

Mrs. Clause has been married to him for eons and he's never fathered a child with her, she's over-weight and still content...Can you say

"Fag-hag"?

Ever thought about the Rudolph story?  He's gay too! "All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names. They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games."  (as if he wanted to)  Isn't Rudolph really a metaphor for the gay child in a straight society anyway?

Ever ask yourself why fruitcake is the traditional dessert at Christmas time?  Well, now you know.  And stop pretending you don't like it.  Deep down inside, you've always liked fruitcake.  ;-)

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a straight man:

*  Look at the size of the bag he packs for a one night trip!!.

*  Red velvet, fur collar, black engineer boots...think people!!!

*  Physically he's a wet dream for the Girth and Mirth club and the perfect poster model for GMSMA.

*  Gay men have long been using stockings to hide their candy.

*  Ho Ho / Homo... a little too similar if you ask me.

*  That long over-night flight around the world taps into the flight attendant gene.

And one more thing, did you ever know a straight man named Nicholas?

Oh, straight society has tried to butch up his image by calling him St. Nick, but we know better.

It's Nicholas, damn it!  Ms. Claus if you're nasty.

Merry Christmas!