Funny List 1997-1998
� �Why is it important? Cause you�d like your heart to keep beating.�
� �If I run into the door, I will have Kinetic energy when I hit the door.�
�It�s Halloween, Ms. Jarrett.� (Russell)
� �Yeah, well it�ll be trick or treat on the test if you don�t pay attention.�
� �You�re about as sorry as a detention slip.�
� �There�s your answer�and an explosion because this will spontaneously combust.�
� �No, I did-a-never say Thursday, I said-a-Tuesday.� (In a fake Italian accent)
� �Good for you, Laura, you�re the first popper in the class�pop artist. (To Albert) You were the manager of the pop artist.�
� �I turn on my Bunsen burner, that is NOT an explosion.�
� �So I said�HEADBAND!� (About burning her hair off.)
� �I became one of those �punk geeks�� (about the same thing)
� �Did you blow it up before?� (Adam)
� �No, it�s a brand new balloon�no, I spit in it��
� �Did you ever fight your way out of a paper bag?�
� �It�s a Kit-Katastrophe!�
� �What do you call that?�
�Humidity?� (Rosa)
�That�s right, Albert, humidity.�
� �I used Ms. Jarrett�s always on hand calculator. It�s called a brain.�
� �Algebra is Arabic, so blame the Arabs if you don�t like it.�
� �Boogie down with chemistry!� (Ms. Jarrett comparing chemistry to dance steps)
� �I dropped my beaker.� (Russell)
�I think you dropped your IQ.�
� �She puts the BAD in BADminton.� (About Rosa)
� �Did you ever notice that the most important words are only four letters? Love, hate, home��
� �Do you know what we do with old elements that die? We BARIUM.�
� �Julie�s gonna become a tester for calculators.� (When Julie�s calculator plummeted to the ground)
� �Of course not, because they�re both losers�and we all know losers don�t do anything.�
� �Don�t be a wanna be, be a worker bee.�
Mr. Sniffin
� �Night before the trip, you fall down the stairs and break two legs and a collar bone�
� �You can�t sleep over a friends house unless you�re Superman�well, you could, but some people may be excited by that.�
� �Gay�happy.�
� �We are the biggest rock pile in the world, except for the Andes or something.�
� �He�s really not the brightest bulb in the package.�
� �You fall in holes, you fall down stairs, you do not fall in love.�
� �Get up, pray, eat, pray, work, pray.�
� �Duck, excuse me I�d like to discuss that.� (Pertaining to the military)
� �Drop a kid on the table it rolls off and keeps going.�
� �That�s the real world, when you have to move the pigs off the living room couch to sit down.�
� �It�s between a test and a quiz.�
�A quest�� (Ken)
� �I get the feeling he grew up in a closet.�
� �Indians, and by the way I don�t say Native Americans, it takes too long��
� �Here�s a bunch of white people with shovels digging holes in the ground looking for yellow rocks.�
� �What he dud.�
� �Hey I�m an escaped slave, take me in, I�m cool.�
� �I got an ETCH and I can�t scratch it.� (Improper use of the vocabulary word.)
� �He�s into taxidermy, which has nothing to do with cabs.�
� �The Tim Allen Show�
� �I think I�m going to have him referred to special Ed or something.� (About the squirrel presently residing in his yard.)
� �It was our first soap opera�like �All My Children� or �Somebody else�s children� or �Who�s children are they?�� (About the Spoon River Anthology)
� �Kiss the horse and ride out of town on a woman.�
Janice
� �Katie, why don�t you write in Pennsylvania?�
� �It�s alive and well and living in my car!�
� �Engine Joe.� (While quoting from a filmstrip, Jan wrote this. It�s really INJUN Joe.)
� �Nay, Nay, like a horse.� (Ms. George)
�How fitting�� (Jan, about NAAAAAomi)
� �Give-me-a-break-give-me-a-break�� (Jan impersonating Katie as the Kit Kat spokesperson)
� �Animal badminton�
� �City sounds badminton�
� �Lefty�s badminton�
� �Model badminton�
� �Stationary badminton�
� �Wild West badminton�
� �English badminton�
� �Melodramatic badminton�
� �Fine, make me look like the pig�why don�t you just call me Babe?!� (Cue Jan�s impression of the famous barnyard animal)
� �Girls! I can�t even read my paper!� (Mrs. Bootyliar)
�Sounds like a literacy problem��
� �Zu� (the way Jan spells �zoo�)
� �Baby Howser, P.I.G.!�
� �My boobs are like, CHUGGA CHUGGA WOO WOO!�
� �Oh, stupid fuck!� (Jan to herself, Joey spits up water all over the grass)
� �We play Bashana-Habaah.�
�Is that Jewish?� (Joey)
�No, Joe, it�s as American as APPRIL pie.�
� �Janice, 1-2-3, 1-2-3 ish ish ish!� (Joe)
�Joe! There could be Arabs all around us!
�Excuse me, are there any Arabs in the stands today?� (Joe)
� �Do you know why S.C. is so white? Cause she was in a freak accident.� (Joe)
� I thought she had a disease.� (Rima)
�I thought she was just French Canadian!�
� �Do you want one?� (Anne)
�A lung?�
�A nice black lung.� (Anne)
�No�but you may need one of mine someday.�
Katie
� �Okay, I just ate, like, the whole left side of my head.�
� �Eating Adam!�
� �I�ve got crotch enough for six!�
� �Barnabee�s circus�� (it�s really �Dumbo�s Circus�.)
� �What did she say to you?� (Jan)
�I�m crazy.�
�Wait, you�re crazy or SHE�S crazy?�
�I don�t think she�d admit it Jan.�
� �Raunchy� (Katie�s adjective to describe Ray�s �friend�)
� �Typan Ali� (Katie�s version of �Tin Pan Alley�)
� �Damn, I have to stoop.� (Katie�s ebonic spelling online.)
� �Gerard DePardieu.� (Answer to �Name a dorky actor no one likes�)
Anne
� �Special announcement my ass.�
� �Hayestown? Oh, you mean the school where the letters fell down so now it says �Haye t wn�?� (Pronounced �Highestoon�)
� �Zero tolerance!� (Anne, bashing her head on the table)
� �I got my first BOOOOB!�
� �Anne, wanna hear a hoot?� (Jan, as Anne looks up�)
�Hoot!�
� �Yeah, that Indian guy can really wail.� (About Pure Moods)
� �Thank you Gloria Estefan, how you doin� after that bus accident?� (Anne, pertaining to Jan�s poor imitation of Gloria Estefan)
� �Okay c�mon Gloria, get on your feet.� (About Jan hysterically laughing.)
� �Where do all the Brazilian kids sit?� (Mr. Matranga)
�That was so racist, it wasn�t even funny.� (Anne, causing Katie to spew Hawaiian punch all over herself and innocent bystanders)
� �Is she gonna gleck?� (Jan)
�Gleeck, you fuck!� (Anne, correcting Jan for the 40,000th time that weekend)
� �Remember high water girl�s fat friend?�
�Who, Doobows?� (Jan)
�Dubis?�
� �What an unfortunate hair cut.� (About a rather large dyke in a guard)
� �There�s a large Native American adult��
� �I smell peach.� (Jan)
�That would be my ass.�
� �He�s smoking up a bong over there!� (Pertaining to a rather large Native American man)
� �He�s walking funny.� (Jan)
�That�s because his chaps are too tight.�
� �She takes up my entire �Field of View��
� Anne�s fall up the stairs�enough said!
Russell
� �Turn up the gas, turn up the gas, let�s deep fry Albert�s ass.�
� �Sure Albie, I�ll go get your thong.�
� ��If you will.� (Mrs. Jarrett)
�And I will!�
� �Is Russell in his underwear?� (Jan)
�Yes I am in my underwear�wanna see my DONG?�
� �She can lick my acid!�
� �Hi, my name is HCL and I need a new arm.�
� �I didn�t know it was a vent, I thought it was a tentacle.�
� �It brings back Vietnam War memories�there�s Charlie�s in my lab station!�
� �Residual kiss my ass!�
Laura
� �She doesn�t speak English.�
�What does she speak?� (Jan)
�I dunno, some African tribal language�� (continue on with Laura�s description of �Cynthia�)
� �Hoo hoo ding ding.� (What Laura calls a train)
� �Dog-cat-lamb-cow.�
� �You like school? You like it here?� (Laura describing �wandering eye NESAC lady�)
� �Nobody could have explained it worse than my mom: �Honey, if you have any questions feel free to talk to the school nurse.� Then she handed me a pamphlet from Red Cross Blue Shield.� (Laura, about Aunt Flo)
Dean
� �What is this, a vacation? You�re sitting here like you�re at Mount Airy Lodge!�
� �It�s like Ms. Jarrett�s class.� (Noelle)
�What�d she say?� (Sue)
�It�s geriatric!�
� �Jason, the point is to REMAIN on the track. You just derailed!�
� �Cause this one part is still sucking really bad.�
� �Stop and SHOP.� (Dean�s incorrect stress of the popular supermarket�s name.)
� �John Smith� AKA �Tim Gould�
� �Cause if your chi-chi�s are on your forehead, I�m selling you to Barnum and Bailey!�
� �Excuse me, I don�t take requests, I�m not Casey Casum!�
Kevin
� �What do blondes and turtles have in common? Once they�re on their backs, they�re screwed!�
� �You�ve got a nice package!� (Kevin, talking about another guy hypothetically saying that to him.)
� �This is warm.� (Anne)
�Your mom�s warm!� (At which point, Jan spews soda EVERYWHERE!)
� �Woman, I�m getting� in you by osmosis!� (Pertaining to Mrs. Jarrett�s affair with a history teacher.)
� �Fuck fuck fuck a duck
Screw a Kangaroo
Gang Bang and orangutan
Orgy at the zoo.�
� �Why did the woman cross the road? I dunno, I told the bitch to stay in the kitchen.�
� �She�s coughing up a testicle!�
Williamsburg
� �I�m Stan, the friendly bus driver.�
� �Stanton M. Perry: Safe, reliable, courteous.�
� �Quote: �regular people��
� �Providence Mutual River!� (Katie)
� �We don�t say people, and we don�t say elves. They�re little people.�
� �Did you GO to the North Pole?�
� �Battle of the Sexes.� (Anne)
� -Nelson Funk
� -Lamont Ferguson
� �May I touch you?� Random guy to Autumn at the Yorktown settlement
� �It�s the new Biore strip!� <RIP> (Anne, with a disgusted face)
� �This is not the room for me.� (Rosa)
Jessica
� �Holly Robinson, 21 Jump Street!�
� �Ay, ya shoulda gone to 3.� (In an Irish accent, pertaining to Mario Bros.)
� �Oh my God! Those are like two spaceships that parked next to each other, under her shirt!� (About a large chested female in the cafeteria)
� �Jan, we�re not in Tokyo anymore.� (Mixing up Toto, Kansas, Jan, and Connecticut.)
� �Testicle, stupid!� (Rather loud exclamation by Jessica)
Other
� �Is it contagious? My eye isn�t blinking.� (Mrs. Barratt)
� �Someone like me would say �Nunna Doooola Sowy.�� (Mrs. Barratt)
� �Podunkville� (example in vocab book)
� �Carrie, are you wearing socks?� (Rima)
�No.�
�Then why do your feet look black?�
� �We need to be on the look out for Dean so when he comes we can hit the floor.� (Carrie)
� �Now that we are tri-LINGAL.� (Carrie)
� �Jan�� (Jan turns around, Joey�s limping�) ��you say it�s just a rash, but it�s crawling up my ass�� (Joe)
� �Excuse me, I know you�re not using the lavatory on the bus when there�s a lavatory with flushers in the facilities�� (Roland, the not so friendly bus driver.)
� �Roamin� in the gloamin�.� (Example in vocab book)
� �CARE PERU�
� �So it wouldn�t be good with Chips Ahoy?� (Jan)
�Yeah, it�ll be BON VOYAGE afterwards�� (Albert)
� �About as funny as an iron lung.� (Filmstrip)
� �Thomas Jefferson Snodgrass.� (Filmstrip)
� -RAY LOPEZ! (Enough said. And his �roommate� Tim Gould�
� �Why don�t you scream louder, they can�t hear you in Sicily!� (Some woman walking by, now named �Sicily Lady�)
� �We got cups�Alexa always wanted cups�� (Mr. Matranga)
� �It wasn�t funny Russell, it wasn�t funny at all.� (Adam Mack about the Oklahoma City bombing)
� �In the Everglades.� (Adam Mack)
� �Nick the Greek, Razzle Dazzle, Emperor of water rats, Skipper of the Razzle Dazzle.� (Filmstrip)
� �Hey Poochie.�
� �It�s the candy kid!� (Mrs. Bootyliar)
� �Let�s turn the volume down.� (Mrs. Bootyliar)
� �Sargent Shuttlecock� and �Jeff Lee� AKA �Tom� and �HAAAAK� AKA �HAAAAK and �Eagle�
� �AP psychology? Yeah, well, analyze this! You�re a jackass!� (Scott Beam)
� �I�ll give you an accent�straight from Hyundai!� (Tom Griffin)
� �Excuse me, would any of you like a banana?� (Mavis. Later, note that slutgirl is eating it)
� �Ay ay ay.� (Danielle)
�We�re not in Canada, missy!� (Anne)
�Oh, I get it, Kansas, Canada!� (Danielle)
� �I sprung my uncle!� (Jay)
� �Oh shit, I bit my foot.� (Jay)
� �Oh look, Red Lobster!� (Joey)
�Ooooh, for the sea food lover in you!� (Amanda)
� �Guess what happened this weekend? I became an instant winner in the monopoly game�I won a free sandwich. I got a park place, so if any one has the other one, I�ll buy it for a thousand dollars�I could win a million dollars.� (Tim, on his big win at McDonald�s)
�Well, Tim, I would like to give you the proper enthusiasm for that.� (Mr. H)
� �Let�s take some jerk-off class so we can just sit there together.� (Anne)
�Some jerk off class so you can sit there together? That�s gross! Anne, you are filthy trash.� (Terry)
� �With liberty and basketball for all.� (Ms. G)
� �Anyone ever heard of �creationism�?� (Mr. T busting in the class discussion gets up and writes this on the chalkboard for clarity.)
� �Clarence Darrow for the defense.� (Mr. Tagain using the chalkboard to interrupt OUR class)
� �We don�t call him Mr. Tabor-nut-sak for nothing.� (Danielle, after Katie witnessed Mr. T �fixing himself�.)