�That's like the porn version of narnia!� - Jan
�I think she was going for the vagina monologues.� - Lisa
"I really only find eddie murphy funny when he's a donkey" - Lisa
�I would transfigure the kid who hates bees into a bee and then I would point and laugh.� - Lisa
�You know what song always reminds me of high school?� � Lisa via text
�The Freshman?� � Jan, taking a guess with the first song that popped into her head
�YES!� - Lisa
�My mom just asked if i crumped.� - Sara
"Why don't you say sweet things like that to me?" - Jan
"If you were a computer program...I used only the good bits." - Jason
Whodink: you'll see why i'm single and can't have a successful relationship based on the following (Some are characters too, b/c honestly, i have about as good a chance as doing them as i do the real people)
Blondie: lol
Blondie: oj
Blondie: ok
Blondie: I mean
Whodink: LMAO
Whodink: OJ?!
Blondie: I wasn't implying you like OJ
Whodink: haha
Whodink: i was like...WTF
Blondie: There are no murderers on your list?
Blondie: I'm shocked.
Whodink: it IS me
Whodink: give them time
Blondie: That Charles Manson is one HOT piece of ass
�I�da been all over it.� � Jan
�And by all over it you mean you would have audio taped it and listened to it in your room.� � Dave
�Actually, Lisa�s mom had the first entry�wait, that sounded dirty.� � Jan
�That�s hot!� � Dave
�You know, that�s the third time this week I�ve made fun of The Clap.� � Jan
�Would you like a�round of applause?� � Dave
�I love the Janny, she loves me, I love the Janny cause she let me get a big ass TV�� � Jason, singing
�That�s why you love me?� � Jan
�Well, I love you for many reasons but that is the predominant one right now.� � Jason
�What, did someone die?� - Jeff
�Yeah, the black guy.� � Jan
�There�s a black guy on CSI?!�- Jeff, amazed
�That�s because you have the wing span of a�� � Jan, to Jason
�Condor.� � Sara
�You know who would be a fun couple to hang out with? Danny DeVito and Rhea Pearlman.� � Sara
�Except you�d have to be on your knees to hear what they have to say.� � Jan
�You wanna be on your knees with Danny DeVito?� � Sara
�No! �Cause they�re tiny people.� � Jan
<pause>
�You�re picturing them having sex, aren�t you?� � Sara, causing Jan to spit up
�Man up and drink your daiquiri.� � Jan to Sara
�I can�t picture anyone having sex with me.� � Jan
�Please, I mind fucked you right now.� � Sara
�Hot like ME, or hot like Eva Longoria?� � Drunk Jan to Wong
�Connecticut? Dude, I been there � you gotta keep driving west.� � Drunk Jan to Wong when he said he was going to CT
�All I�m reading is �tilt the iPhone and fire into the cluster�.� � Sara
�That�s what she said.� � Jan
<Jan�s throat makes weird noise she hopes no one hears>
�I just head a cat�� � Sara, causing Jan to spit her water all over her plate
�I�m really into gangs right now.� � Sara
�Did you see Heidi Beerwhore sitting in the background?� � Dave, about female sportscaster at Home Run Derby in unfortunate beerwench-like outfit
�That coat is completely impractical.� � Jason, about Cameron Diaz�s coat in �The Holiday�
�You are a piece.� � Jan, to Jason, getting annoyed.
�A piece of ass! And a hot ass at that!� � Jason
�Put down the rainbow flag, sir, and come have an interview.� � Dave, about the absurdity of the idea that a homosexual can't get a job
Jason�s cup moment at the mall � he knocked it out of his own hand, and it flipped in the air, landing on top of his head.
�Do you like furry, hot men, or pale, cold men?� - Debbie
Disney 08!
�Ahh the succulent nectar of vacation,� � Autumn, with Cherry Coke in hand
�I think it was just drums and a set of maracas.� � Jan
�I gotta set�a maracas�� � Autumn, shimmying �The funny think is I DON�T! Jason and I are the flattest people on this trip!�
�Por favor�I have no fucking clue�� � Autumn, trying to read �Por favor mantengase alejado� shirt
�But she can sure count backwards from 60 at the top of her frothy lungs!� � Autumn, about girl from Breaking Dawn release who didn�t know her number had been called
�Is that door gonna swing open and knock you down?� � Autumn
�Probably. It wouldn�t be a vacation if I didn�t bleed a little.� � Jan
�Bloodcation.� � Autumn
�This guy�s on a GAYcation.� � Autumn about guy in black spandex outfit with a flame skull cap
�We�re gonna sleep like infants tonight.� � Autumn
�So I�ll be up every 20 minutes crying, waiting for someone to feed me.� � Jan
�I�ll look like a handbag�I�m guessing Coach.� � Lisa, about her skin when she�s old
�This is the year of BROKEN dreams.� � Jason, after we�re screwed out of free stuff AGAIN
�I am not above pimp slapping.� � Jason to Lisa
�You�re gonna be LICKING Rice Krispies off the wrapper.� � Autumn, about Jason�s melted RK treat
�And you�ll wish it was you�<frantic> licking Rice Krispies off the�DAMNIT.� Jason
�You�re gonna need to tell me if there�s any white left when I�m done.� � Jan, about sunblock
�You�re talking about sunblock, right, cause otherwise�� � Lisa
�Fuck the gelato�� � Lisa, about seeing an even better dessert on the menu
�That�s one hell of a mullet she�s got there. Seriously. On her days off, she must go HOG WILD!� � Autumn
�Her ass-less leather chaps are hanging in the back.� � Lisa
�What are we reading?� � Waitress to Jan about funny list. Jan puts it quickly away. She leaves the table.
�I�m reading a list of waitresses that SUCK at Disney.� � Autumn
�I need water. I�m sucking this down like it�s nobody�s business.� � Lisa, about her lemonade
�That IS nobody�s business.� � Autumn
�Tomorrow, I�m gonna be walking like I just got off a horse.� � Jan
�Or that you�ve had the best night of your life. Or that Edward was involved.� � Lisa
�You call this a storm?!� � Autumn, at the top of her lungs on Space Mountain
�He [Prince Eric] was always the best looking Prince�and than Aladdin. I want him to take ME on a magic carpet ride.� � Lisa
�Let�s see what Philharmagic is up to�besides being AWESOME!� � Lisa
�The people behind me are riding me like Seabiscuit.� � Autumn
�My brother bought a book on Kama Sutra when he was with my dad. I was like, �John you are a disgusting fucking pig�.� � Autumn
�Literally.� � Lisa
�What day is it?� � Jan
�17?� � Lisa
�Leprechaun.� � Autumn
�Unhand ye maracas.� � Lisa
�He thinks you�re a hottie boomballatie.� � Autumn
�Don�t ever say that again or the next splash you hear will be you going in the water.� � Jan
�We should have gotten a wheelchair for someone. That�s it, I�m clubbing your foot before we come here next time.� � Lisa
<Jan�s black boyfriend in line for Fantasmic holds up three large Jedi light sabers. One collapses>
�He needs Viagra.� � Autumn
�Autumnmobile.� � Lisa
�I�m going to buy my brother something in Italy so he can flaunt his Irish heritage.� � Autumn
�Everyone say hello to Jim.� � Tour guide Jeanna
�But his nametag says �Ray�.� � Autumn
�I think she wants to DO the reanimated corpse of Walt Disney.� � Lisa
�Well it IS themed. If you look behind you, you�ll find cowboys carved in duel stance. I beg of you to observe where you are.� � Autumn at Wilderness Lodge
�Don�t worry, you�re not getting stiffed.� � Jan to Kip the waiter
�Why don�t you put your hands down your pants and show them how satisfying your pasta was.� � Jan to Autumn, meaning in an Al Bundy way.
�What if I don�t get married and I�m like 40 and hit on 22 year olds and bring them back to my luxurious condo to bang?� � Autumn, panicked.
�I�d think you�d like that.� � Jason
�Well, YEAH, but�� � Autumn
�Mrs. Cosby!� � Autumn and Jan in unison
<Minute later>
�Mrs. Huxtable!� � Jason
<Aut and Jan look at each other, confused.>
�Oh yeah�� Autumn and Jan in unison
<Phenomenon song>
�Iguanadon.� � Random WDW guy singing
�See my Jedi powers are already working!� � Autumn, pretending to command a door to open
�You�re amazing. No one else I know would have waited for the doors to start opening and THEN command them to open.� � Jan, deadpan
�Oh my God, I forgot about the yeti!� � Autumn, at the top of her lungs on Expedition Everest
Autumn shoving her camera in her pants on EE.
�That woman�s gonna come out with black eyes.� � Lisa, about woman on Test Track
<Jan looks confused>
�Jubbly induced.� � Lisa, explaining, gesturing to her chest.
�Hidden Mickey�see next to the sorcerer�s hat�and there�s an arrow�� � Jan, pointing to the wall mural in Pizza Planet
�I think that�s a mushroom�and THAT�S a piece of pizza.� � Autumn
�Are you familiar with the phrase �It�s on�like Donkey Kong�?� � Autumn
�Great, now everyone�s gonna thnk that.� � Jan about black waiter at Liberty Tree Tavern
�You can�t see him. He�s a floating shirt cleaning tables!� � Autumn
�I just took a picture of Barbosa and it was a blurry mess. Blurbosa.� � Autumn
Our week in Disney�s almost up
We couldn�t have had more fun
But when this night is over
Our time will be done.
We didn�t see no hot mens (Aut)
Not one could be found (Lisa)
The closest to action I got
Was being felt up by a hound. (Aut)
�No! No! Go the other way!�
<Lisa sits up, looks at Autumn, and pushes her sleep mask up her face>
�I�m so sorry. I�m having a dream.� � Lisa, then lays back down and goes back to sleep
�I look like a crack whore right now.� � Autumn in the morning
�If I shouldn�t be on this, tell me now!� � Autumn, about people mover at the airport going the wrong way
Captain �Mad Dog� playing �Bad to the Bone� on a harmonica via the intercom.
�There�s a part of me that really wants to go see Hellboy II.� � Mom
�I�m just trying not to die while I�m waiting for you to finish.� � Dave, during Dr. Mario
�That�s what she said.� - Jan
�Well, really, is there any other way to roll someone?� � Dave, about the lyric �I had to roll her, like a pornography poster�
"This is how I roll, yo. I take care of my woman. Shit." - Jason, being gangsta
"Vernon you need to be writing." � Jan
"I am is writing." - Vernon
"I plan to check that one off in '09. Have Vampire baby...from the throat." - Autumn
"Finally, they show the woman as a slut, not the man." - Jason about Valtrex commercial
"Too little too late, Wake. More like Sleep Forrest." - Dave about Wake Forrest losing to Navy
"How come it keeps tellin' me it's wrong?" - Vernon
<I look and spell check has underlined 'obama' o-bam-uh>
"Well, what are you trying to say?" - Jan
"Obama." - Vernon
"As in...?" - Jan
"My dad and I went to obama." - Vernon
"Do you mean Alabama?" - Jan
"Yeah." - Vernon
"I actually think Bob Saget and I would really get along." - Sara
"Good news! I am officially not attracted to anyone I work with." - Sara
"Not for nothing, there is a WALGREEN'S 17 feet away!" - Sara about her company selling condoms in her work store.
"Ahh! I just tripped over blankets. Like, ACTUAL blankets, not like, Michael Jackson's kid." - Sara
"I'd rather be fat than run for Vice President." - Sara
"There are very few audiences where I could say 'I'd spank that Jew ass hard' and NOT get weird looks." - Jan
"You're probably right." - Sara
"I want wings...like to eat, not to fly." - Sara
"And I have to rebuild Sarajevo...one block at a time." - Sara, about her closet looking like war-torn Europe
�They were so tight, I had a unibun. I had one buttock. She was like, �Try them on for me� and I was like �Go fuck yourself.�� � Autumn
�Thank God I didn�t marry Abe, or you�d be talking to me in what is probably a known crackden.� � Autumn
�Aww, Paul Newman died. I wonder if I should build a shrine to him. Do we have any salad dressing?� � Lisa
�That�s why I like being Jewish. You only have to apologize one day a year and you can be an utter bastard the other 365 days. It�s good to be a Jew.� � Dave
�The stupid clouds didn�t help.� � Dave, about his fast
�The clouds?� � Jan, confused
�Yeah, I couldn�t tell when sundown was.� � Dave
�We need to parade ourselves around as successful individuals who are NOT prostitutes. Although, I don�t know where this next year is taking me. Maybe I�ll have a job waiting for me in DC after all.� � Autumn, about HS reunion
�What was that book�� � Autumn
�The DaVinci Code!� � John, from the other room
�When they came out I was like, �Everyone loves them, I instantly hate them.� I tried that with Titanic too, and boy was I wrong.� � Autumn about Coldplay
�He just implied that you were a slut.� � Jan about Jason
�And?� � Autumn
�You can�t count your conquests as part of your genetic heritage!� � Jason to Autumn
�Those ghosts are CRAZY. They�ll say anything to get on TV.� � Autumn, about EVP. She thought it said �Ya know� when it really said �get out.�
�There we go. Little kids and men. That�s what I like to look at.� � Jason, about the Kohl�s ad.
�Yo, G, I think my crotch is warm. Aim the camera over here.� � Lisa, about thermal imaging from Ghost Hunters
�I�m pretty sure she thought we were lesbians.� � Lisa, about rest stop attendant
�Because we wanted cheese?� � Jan
�Because I paid for it and you called me your bitch.� � Lisa
�It�s not even a guitar�it�s just a �gu�.� � Jan
�It�s a �tar� as in re-TAR-ded.� � Lisa, about tiny guitar
Reblurr, Since You Blur Gone, Blurbra Jean, Pittsblurg
�Phenomenal blur! I mean phenomeblur!� � Jan
�Blurnomenal?� � Lisa
�I�m not good at the blurnacular.� � Jan
�Blurbonics?� � Lisa
�We ARE blurtarded, aren�t we?� � Jan
�Your blurma is out there trying to blur!� � Lisa
�Isn�t blurg a Tina Fey-ism?� � Lisa
�Yeah.� � Jan
�Damn. We can�t use it in a sitcom. Unless�we have a show about a photographer who can�t focus. His name is Blurbeski and he can�t focus on LIFE, he can�t focus his CAMERA�I think we�d win an Oscar. Oscblur.� � Lisa
�You didn�t slut it up in high school.� - Jan
"No, �cause she was riding my ass...so no one else would, apparently." � Sara, on her mother monitoring her wardrobe in high school
If I had balls, I'd get a whole fucking peacock tattooed on my back. Sadly, I do not." - Autumn
"I'm sending you a cock feather�Pea that is." - Autumn
�I was just about to say you MENTIONED K fed, you may want to take a pregnancy test.� - Jessica K
�I mean, my mom smoked when she was pregnant with me, and I turned out absolutely FAB.� � Autumn, sarcastically
�Why is it that as soon as I get on the phone with you, I want to get into bed?� � Aut
�I should start charging you $3.00 a minute.� � Jan
�OMAR EPPS?! <Gagging noises> Wait, I may not know who he is�� � Aut
�Describe him�� � Jan
�Well, he�s black�and his skin is dark�and that�s where I hit a brick wall.� � Aut
�My mom saw your father.� � Aut
�Where?� � Jan
�In the woods.� � Aut
�Did he had binoculars?� � Jan
�Does she think she�s black?� � Aut, about Jan�s impression of Maui
�She IS black.� � Jan
�I mean ethnically speaking.� � Aut
�Mall, zoo, same diff. Abercrombie, monkey cage, what ev. That wasn�t a black joke.� � Aut, about Jan botching a Friends quote
�I didn�t think it was�I do NOW.� � Jan
�We should get that on a t-shirt � �I�m with dirty whore� with an arrow pointing.� � Jan
�Except it wouldn�t be an ARROW.� � Aut
�You do not dress an infant as the ruler of the underworld. I�m just saying.� � Autumn
�I have sexual tourettes. It�s a real disease that affects real people.� � Aut
�You�re home already?� � Jan
�Yeah, I left. I probably should have stayed �cause they was a 5th grader missing.� � Dave
�Dave!� � Jan
�Well, I looked. And when it became clear that I couldn�t find him, I left.� � Dave
�My wig looks like a labia.� � Dave, as contestant on Family Feud
�Yeah, Sean, and your never WILL like bush,� � Dave, about a student of his with homosexual tendencies who wrote about not liking President Bush
�You�d be surprised, some nights they spend 45 minutes grinding on that thing.� � Jan, about dog toy
�Sounds like my nights.� � Dave
�And she coughed up pubes�� � Dave
�So then I left Walt Whitman�s area�� � Lisa
�That dude. �Da-No�.� � Lisa
�LaDon�t?� � Jan (Last name was really �LaDue�)
�It�s interesting.� - Lisa
�How they pee?� � Jan, confused
�Yeah. How they pee differently. I mean, I get WHY. He�s got junk.� � Lisa
�He doesn�t HAVE junk!� � Jan
�I know, but he still has a protuberance!� � Lisa
�One of my boys says douche bag all the time.� � Dave
�I�m sure he doesn�t even know what a douche bag is.� � Jan
�Probably not. Of course, it doesn�t help that I called King George a douche bag once.� - Dave
�WHAT?!� � Jan
�Yeah, I was getting all worked up about the colonials and I said �And King George was mean, he was a douche�uh�bad guy� and one of the boys goes, �I think he said douche bag.�� � Dave
�He�s a BEE � how is this movie even PLAUSIBLE?� � Lisa, getting worked up over �Bee Movie�
�Oh my God, it�s like Weird Science, and you�re the nerd!� � Autumn, about Jan being in love with her own story character
�Oh I get it now. I didn�t know what you were humming, but I hear it now. It�s the band version. I�d like to hear your Gettin� Jiggy Wit It.�� � Autumn, accusing Jan of singing all songs the �band� way
�It�s not my fault I had a wide repertoire�that�s what she said.� � Jan, sounding defeated
�The pins, the Yeti, and the alcohol.� � Autumn
�Is that like, a new version of The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe?� � Jan
�I love The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe humor!� � Aut
�You said that like it�s a genre of comedy that�s yet to be tapped!� � Jan
�What does he do? Thai chi?� � What Jan HEARD Autumn say about Wong
�Thai chi?� - Jan
�I said �I.T.�� - Autumn