10th ANNIVERSARY EDITION
of the FUNNY LIST!
�Just watching Dion set off two in his backyard doesn�t really do it for me.� � Jason, about fireworks for the 4th
�Why you getting mad at me? I didn�t put the crabpuff in your shrimp basket.� � Jason, to my mom
�It went through the dishwasher!� � Jenny, about sippy cup that Amanda insisted still tasted like coffee
�You need to call Whirlpool!� � Amanda
�It is bad luck to have a chair over your head!� � Amanda
�That�s a ladder, jackass.� - Joey
�We smuggled them in from Lebanon when I was 9. I used to play with them all the time.� � Rima, about illegal fireworks
�How are my boobs?� � Rima, inspecting the recently taken picture on the camera
�She zoomed in right to her tits.� � Katie, in disbelief
�There�s going to be a lot of honey�s along the way�� � Rima, explaining the background for the Frankie J song she couldn�t think of the title to
�We could almost SEE the dangling nerve!� � Katie, about Rima�s dental mishap
�It�s like the Apocalypse!� � Amanda, about the sudden drizzle and black clouds
�Chernobyl dogs.� � Jan
<Gasp> - Sara, offended
�Way to knock out the signal, Dave.� � Jan, as the radio turns to static when Dave moved
�Sorry I was shavin� my chocha.� � Dave, meaning to say �shifting�
blondie: I just came home from class to find Jason watching "Muppets From Space" OnDemand...by himself.
�Okay, Beaker. I married a scientist Muppet!� � Jason, after Jan�s unusual laugh
�Where�s the other slipper?� � Jan, looking around the room after finding one under the bed.
�It�s YOU�it�s probably in the garage.� � Jason
�Give it to me gooooood!� � Jan, reading from the TV, but with toosh in the air as Dave looked on, horrified, not realizing she was reading from something.
�Spill�yeh cookies!� � Sara, in weird accent to the Keebler truck
�Brenda alert rises to orange,� � Jan, while watching 90210
�Don�t die during labor, cause your kids are FUCKED.� � Sara, naming the kid Burton Ernie Hoffman
�SLYTHERIN!� � Sara, when I mentioned someone putting on the sorting hat
�When Linda Tripp interviewed OJ.� � Sara/Jan
�What does the devil ride in on? I picture Santa�s sleigh with dragons.� � Sara
�The four horsemen of the apocalypse?� � Jan
�Yeah!� � Sara
�I think I need something to with this,� � Jan, about wine cooler
�Like, a pony?� � Sara
�After I brush my teeth, I feel like I just�� � Woman in Crest commercial
�Sucked a cock�� � Sara
DISNEY W/LISA!
�Would you still be friends with me if I bought you that?� � Jan, about mermaid pillow in SkyMall magazine
�Yes, and I�d buy sheets and a comforter to match.� � Lisa
�I must have been feeling pucey.� � Jan
�Very pucey.� � Lisa, like Gary Busey
�He can be the lead investigator on my case any day!� � Jan, about Jason the Ghost Hunter
�I don�t have a thing for bald men�I have a thing for male pattern baldness. There�s a difference.� � Lisa
�They�re like armless people doing splits.� � Lisa, about her scars
�The amount of fugly people compared to attractive was ASTRONOMICAL! I�m not just talking about fugly men � there were a lot of fugly families walkin� around.� � Lisa, about Disney World
�Well, I don�t want to �get with� Mickey � I�m not that kind of guy. You smell good though, can I get with you?...I�ll give you my number later.� � Random man to Jan and Chef Mickey�s WHILE posing with his family for a picture with Mickey!
�Why are you following me? <pause> It was then that I realized that she too was a female.� � Jan, about Lisa following her into the bathroom and being confused at first as to why.
�If he�s not wearing purple pants, then I�M NOT INTERESTED.� � Jan, about cast member Steve who was flirting with her and Lisa, cleverly dropping his age into the conversation. Jan picked on his purple pants to his face as well.
�If we have to get off the plane on the runway and come down the stairs, I�m going to pretend I�m getting off of Air Force One. What are you going to pretend?� � Lisa
<Immediately> �I�m going to pretend that I�m the Beatles.� - Jan
�Thanks for the quickie!� � Lauren, to CVS clerk, meaning thanks for filling the prescription quickly.
�$69.69�you should get a prize for that.� � Lauren, because the dollars and cents were the same.
�Why, because it�s 69?� � Jan
�How much do you think those apartments are?� � Dave
�I don�t know.� � Jan
�I could walk to Michaels from there! <pause> And then to Home Depot for a saw�and a hammer�� � Dave, saying the last part in a more manly voice
�That means school�s coming back, cause it�s cool!� � Dave, meaning the WEATHER is cool, NOT school.
�Is that your dream fridge? Ooh there�s pizza already in the freezer! That�s MY dream fridge!� � Jan, to Dave about stainless steel fridge at Lowe�s with fake pizza boxes in the freezer
�Watch Julian become a code for farting. Like, Julian�s here�� � Dave
�What time is Julian getting here? Right about now�� � Jan
�Roger that!� � Dave
�There were a lot of lesbians at Giant today.� � Dave
�They were on special, don�t you know?� � Jan
�Or there was a special on Nitra magazine and Armourall.� � Dave
�Have you seen the new Will Smith movie yet? �You Are Alone�?� � Dave
�I Am Legend?� � Jan
�That�s it.� � Dave
�That was on the list of worst sequels ever.� - Mom
�Shrek 3?� � Jan, surprised
�Shrek 3? Oh I thought you said Shark 3�oh wait, that�s Jaws�I�m just gonna slide out of the room now��- Mom, actually sliding her chair out of the living room and into the dining room.
�Dave�kicking our asses since 1979.� � Jason
�Are we going to rock the new world?� � Jan, emphatically
<Hilarity ensues>
�I meant, are we gonna ring in the New Year with Dick Clark�s Rockin� New Years Eve.� � Jan
�Ready to party like it�s 1492?� � Dave
�Well, I don�t like the dark. Or dinosaurs running at me. Thank God I wasn�t born during the Cretacious Period.� � Lisa, about Countdown To Extinction
�I came this close to munching box.� � Sara, about seeing Danny Bonnaducci naked
�I don�t know why it came out British.� � Jan
�Probably because of the Chinese.� � Debbie
�What�s a five letter word for waterbottle?� - Jan
�Canteen.� - Lauren
�That�s seven letters.� � Jan
�I play football. I hit�em.� � Jason, in his jock voice
�Are you going to throw up? KITCHEN!� � Lisa to Jan
�Now she�s gotta sell another horse to get to Hollywood.� � Jason about Kristy Lee Cook
�She bucked her way to the top!� � Dave, about Kristy Lee Cook
�Now I�m going to have to check myself before I wreck myself.� - Lisa
�He�s fauntastic.� � Lisa about James McAvoy
�Just picture Britney Spears� vagina on his face while he�s singing.� � Dave, about Robbie
�Dick Van Dyke is Jesus reincarnated.� � Dave, meaning to say Dick Clark.
�You have an important�� � Jason, holding out the fortune from his fortune cookie
<GULP> as Maui eats the fortune right out of Jason�s hand.
�Fauntasy.� � Dave, in reference to Lisa thinking Tumnus is hot
�You�re always a little too far to the left�� � Jan, about Dave�s bowling ball on the Wii
�Always.� � Dave
�What, are you sleeping with the creator of Wii? I bet he�s controlling.� � Jan, about Jason getting strike after strike on Wii bowling
�BOO!� � Jason, as Jennifer Gardner walks out to present an Oscar
�Isn�t Dreamy McWhatever in that?�- Jason, about �Enchanted�
�What the hell is that? A Ghengas Khan Pez dispenser?� � Jason
�Simon�s looking a little tan this week.� � Jan
�Jergens.� � Dave
�What, do you have a hidden rabbit farm here? What is this, the Dharma Initiative?� � Dave
�Spaghetti, Rigatoni, done.� � Dave, showing off his impressive command of the Italian language
�What does Flomax do again? Make you grow hair?�- Dad, while the commercial is still on
�It�s for enlarged prostates�� � Jan
�If only airplanes had souvenir photos�� � Lisa, about Jan sitting behind a turbaned man trying to excitedly watch �Enchanted�
Blondie: If Simon Cowell came to my house, I'd be like, what?!
Whodink: If Simon Cowell came to MY house, I'd be like, naked...
(About Idol Gives Back)
Whodink: and whyyyy did that seem like the longest song ever...
Blondie: cause I turned 84 during it
Whodink: i had sex, got pregnant, carried to term, was 2 weeks late, gave birth after 29 hours of labor, and now am sending my twins off to college.
Blondie: Wow...I think my time moved faster than yours.
Whodink: Yes but mine was more painful. you're in depends. i had to have vaginal stitches
(About Carrie Underwood�s performance at Idol Gives Back)
Whodink: bc/ they TOTALLY marketed her as the girl next door at first
Blondie: yes
Whodink: not that you can't live next door to black people but you know what i mean
(About Mariah Carey)
�Drew Barrymore is one of those people who either looks cute, or�� � Jan
�Busted?� � Lisa
�I had a dream a few weeks ago where �Nsync and Backstreet Boys had competing gas stations next to each other�� � Lisa
�Kudos!� � Mrs. Hoffman (me) to her class
�What does that mean?� � Student A
�It means like, good job, or way to go.� � Mrs. Hoffman
�There�s a bar called that.� � Student B, meaning the granola bar
�Yes�yes there is�mmmm.� � Mrs. Hoffman, closing her eyes and thinking about the delicious treat
�Are you drunk, Mrs. Hoffman?� � Student C, thinking Student B meant a bar to drink in
�I�m like, F-you, cromagnon man. I can�t stand your big head and tiny penis.� � Sara, about the caveman tv show
�KFed�I mean KVille�� � Jan, as tv announcer
�AKA Prison Break�� - Dave
�Enough with the cursin� already.� � Dave
�Yeah, who you think your audience is, Andrew Dice Clay?�- Jan
whodink: omg...a viennese waltz to i'll make love to you
whodink: vomit
blondie: ewwww
blondie: I wish I knew the viennese word for love...
blondie: it'd be like
blondie: I'll make schnoodlzes to you
whodink: they speak german
whodink: i'll make liebe to you
whodink: and now i think lebne...that food that is lebanese
whodink: and then i think pita
whodink: and hoummus
whodink: i'll make hommus with you
whodink: Ich bilde Ihnen Liebe.
whodink: Ich bilde hommus mit Ihnen.
blondie: ok, I'm done up here, I have to take the doggs out
blondie: oops
blondie: dogs
blondie: Snoop isn't here
blondie: although that'd be awesome
whodink: yes but your dogs are going to drop it like it's hot
whodink: and by it i mean doodie
blondie: except I think you'd have more in common than he and I do.
whodink: me and snoop?
whodink: have a lot in common?
whodink: such as??
blondie: no, you and doodie.
blondie: Drugs?
blondie: Gangta Rap roots?
whodink: LMAO
blondie: pimps and hoes?
whodink: corn...rows.....?
blondie: corn...pone...?
�He�s not doing well. Looking like. I�m just saying.� � Jan, about Aaron Carter
�Did you hear David Cook�s brother�s gonna be there?� � Dave
�Is he as ugly?� � Jan, snarky
�No, he has terminal cancer.� � Dave
�You couldn�t have STARTED with that?� � Jan
�It was the Black Eyed Peas. No wait, it was Outkast.� � Dave
�Same thing.� � Jan
�One of dem ethnic groups.� � Dave
�Outkast doesn�t have that freaky Native American guy.� � Jan
�Or the butterface.� � Dave
�Yeah, he DO have a butterface.� � Jan
�I was talking about Fergie.� � Dave
�You need to pick up CP, rearrange the ortho promiscuous.� � Jason, reading Jan�s To-do list. What it actually said: Picture, CD, recommendation, artic, permission slips.
�Speaking of ding dongs - Equuis is coming to Broadway with Daniel
Radcliffe.� - Lisa
"There is a dead spider on my wall, which I killed and left there as a warning to all other spiders..." - Lisa
"It's a testament to our friendship that I have not hung up on you already." - Lisa, after I threw NKOTB quotes into everything, ending with 'Please don't go girl"
"In fact, tell them not to crap at all tomorrow so that you don't have to clean it up. They can have the motherload of all dumps on Monday, just not tomorrow." - Lisa
"Did he have a sex change? Is that it?" - Jan
"I'd like to say no, but there is no evidence to support either answer." � Lisa, about PP
�As many times as I watch them make candy canes, I still don�t understand how they do that.�
<cut to man showing how candy canes are kinked, and it�s really easy>
�Well, I know how they do THAT!� � Mom, defensively
�They should have a spin-off.� � Jan
<pause while Jan thinks, �What would it be called?� and thinks of an answer>
�What would it be called?� � Lisa
(Immediately) �It Takes Two to Tango�and Steve.� � Jan
�Oooh, I got ketchup on your calculator�that sounded dirty, I don�t know why�� � Lisa
�Bitter Bridal Bingo� � Jessica
�And if you don�t get married in a chapel, you might also count I-Coffeemaker.� � Jessica, when they called I-Chapel in bingo.
�I garter�take you bouquet�� � Jessica
�To be my coffeemaker.� � Autumn
�I�d like more than his autograph�actually, I wouldn�t, I just wanted to be wildly inappropriate at a bridal shower�done and done.� � Autumn, about Keanu Reeves
�You know what show is good?� � Jan, randomly, when not talking about tv at all
�Big Bang Theory?� � Lisa
�YES!� �Jan, bewildered
�The breath of God? I wonder what that would smell like�bread�fish�� � Lisa
�Wine?� � Jan
�The usz�� � Lisa
�That poor Nazi.� � Jan about character in Indiana Jones
<cue disgusted look from Lisa>
�Or something less supportive of Nazis?� � Jan
�Thank you.� � Lisa
�It looks like a pixie fairy jizzed all over her face.� � Dave, about American Idol auditioner
�Hey! Get your nose out of my muffin!� � Lisa, to Simba
�It�s hot. Perhaps I shouldn�t be wearing pants.� � Lisa, meaning that she should put shorts on
�I wonder what it feels like to be a stereotype�I�m just throwin� it out there.� � Autumn, after extremely stereotypical woman gets on the metro
�Oh yeah! Those tours are funny, they�re called like, Sex and the Segway, or something.� � Jan
�Segs and the City.� � Autumn, monotone
�That was big of you�Notoriously big of you�� � Lisa
�I�ll come over at 11 and then we�ll get Subway,� � Dave
�And then I can use your muscle and you can go home. Wait, that sounded dirty.� � Jan, meaning that she was going to use Dave to help her move a table down to the basement.
�We can do it down the back steps unless it�s too big to fit through the door�� � Dave, about the same topic
<Cue ice cream truck music paying outside and my dad glowering.>
�I�m gonna explode that truck. I�m gonna blow it up.� � Dad, seriously
�Judging by the arm art, we should just be glad he�s not wearing a sleeveless, mesh, half-shirt.� � Lisa about wedding guest
Pastor speaking�*crickets*
�What were they?� � Lisa, deep and with her head shaking as unidentifiable trays of food were passed
�Don�t take the green, it tastes like seaweed,� Drunk Autumn about the jelly beans
�He does the same thing I do, that kind of bitchy elusiveness,� Autumn
�That man looks like Wharf!� � Lisa, about man in front of library, causing Jan to snarf because he DID look like Wharf
�Those are interesting pants�� � Lisa about man wearing American flag shorts
�I salute you�� � Lisa and Jan together, saluting
�What do I do with this?� � Jan, about American flag found in the attic
�Salute it.� � Jan and Lisa together
�Alright, go Fed Ex, and I�m not talking about Kevin Federline.� � Lisa, to truck
�She�s like, �Who�s Grace Kelly?�� � Jan about SYTYCD contestant
�Is that one of the Spice Girls?� � Autumn, as contestant
�I�m meshing all of my prior knowledge of vaudeville.� � Jan
�How much do you have?!� � Autumn, shocked and disgusted
�If Larry Appleton and Richard Simmons had a baby, it'd be Justin Guarini� � Dave after seeing him on the AI finale
Dave and Jan, making gardening dirty
"Plant my garden"
"Trim the hedges"
"Water my flowers"
"Use my hose...Till the land"
Whodink: yeah, what's with his longer hair
Blondie: it's nasty
Whodink: he's bringing partridge back...
(About Nigel Lithgoe)
Blondie: I actually find MOST of the Desperate Housewives cast irritating. Not what's his faces' wife.
Blondie: that chick
Whodink: um? felicity huffman
Blondie: yes.
�How can you resist that? There will be a Lisa-shaped hole in the screen as I run towards him.� � Lisa about Edward in the Twilight movie
Blondie: How come Eddie Murphy's costar is always Eddie Murphy?
�That Kirkland company�they do a good yogurt.� � Dave, in his Jewish voice
�Oh, in that case, I retract my weiner.� � Jan
�Shrinkage.� � Dave
�I don�t know where he got it from, he�s not from�� � Jan, about Ryan Seacrest�s new accent
�Earth?� � Dave
�What�s that?� � Jan, pointing to a lighter patch of skin on Dave�s arm
�I dunno, my Tempest Bledsoe tribute?� � Dave
�Buy a Ford, get an abortion. Two for one deal.� � Dave, after Jan said �buy a Ford� and Dave thought she said �abortion�
LMT: you know what would be cool...if we did know a vampire that didn't want to suck our blood, but would graciously offer us rides to each others houses
Whodinky: ok, so i have this case of all different colored cds and i was picking colors that in my mind made sense for the artist; red for coldplay, blue for madonna...it's mainly based on the real cd cover art. anyway, so i get to stevie wonder and i pick the black cd and i'm like, "Shit, people will think i'm racist."
Blondie: I thought blindness
Whodinky: and it wasn't b/c of that, it's b/c his cover art is black with his face on it. and
that's it
Blondie: No I thought darkness cause he can't see!
Whodinky: but then i thought, well, if people ask, i can say it's b/c he's blind and can't see which is WAY better than racism
Whodinky: but! then i was thinking...how do we KNOW blind people see black
Blondie: that's true and if they were born that way, they couldn't even tell us, b/c they don't know what colors ARE
Whodinky: EXACTLY so the moral of the story IS it's better to make fun of the blind, than black people but if you have a blind black person, double points
Whodinky: I'm dirty
Whodinky: like in a "i haven't showered today" way
Whodinky: not in a "i have the clap" way
LMT: I really hope i never see him in the street...I'd be like "Edward!" either out loud or in my head...then i would die
Whodinky: i would have been GREAT in the garden of eden
Blondie: I'm too tired to think of why. Please explain.
Whodinky: who gets tempted with an APPLE?
Whodinky: come on
Whodinky: it's FRUIT
Whodinky: like...cheese fondue, SURE
Blondie: A pizza tree, i get
Blondie: chicken fingers on a vine, I'm there
Blondie: but an apple?!
Whodinky: adam should have manned up and been like, "Bitch, make me an apple pie."
Blondie: Cobbler. Adam would have demanded cobbler.
Blondie: I'm not saying I needed to get VD. I'm just saying it'd be nice to have really kissed a few more people
Whodinky: oh brb...my mom's aunt died i need to go tell her
blondie: Hi Mrs. G!
whodinky: yea she sweats you
whodinky: i swear every time you come up she gets a glint in her eye and thinks, "time to update that will..."
blondie: hahahaha did she squeal all girly like when you passed on my hello?
whodinky: no
whodinky: she went to have a cigarette
blondie: because I said HI?!
blondie: Damn I wish I was that effective with Jason
