�Once upon a time there was a hi. The End.� � Jason
�That was when there were only 3 flavors: ass, ass, and more ass.� � Jason about Powerbars
�Is that a dead cow over there? Oh it�s just sand bags.� � Lori, to herself
�We were talking about pants and I realized I hadn�t packed socks and underwear.� � Jan
�I thought you were going to say you realized you weren�t wearing pants. �Is it breezy in here?�� � Evan
�How much do I owe you?� � Jason
�Um�I think that comes to zero.� � Evan
�He must be late for something.� � Evan
�Living.� � Lori
�Let�s put some Tuaca in it.� � Lori
�Sounds like twat!� � Jan
�That�s why it tastes so good!� � Evan
�Where are the meats and cheeses?� � Jill
�In the meat drawer.� � Sal
�THAT�S NOT WHERE IT GOES!!� � Jill
*Jill trying to meticulously measure alcohol into the melonball mix*
�Ah what the hell!� � Jill dumps the whole bottle of Pucker in
�I cannot walk in to any patriotic song.� � Sara
�You�d be crying.� � Jan
�Yeah, it�d be like, �She�s so happy for the wedding� �No she�s crying for our country!�� � Sara
�We should wear flapper dresses.� � Sara
�And what, tap dance down the aisle? Shuffle off to Buffalo?� � Jan
*Sara giggling*
�I�m glad I censor myself. I was thinking, �Shuffle off to Matrimo-NY. Like, Buffalo, NY.� � Sara
�THERE�S MY APARTMENT! Fuckyoufuckyoufuckyou.� � Sara
Blondie6133: entertain me
LTrain581: *does jig* *trips over own foot* *hits head on desk while falling to the ground* *lays passed out in a pool of her own blood*
LTrain581: i hope my back hurts from carrying kids around and NOT from lugging these huge knockers everywhere
LTrain581: dude...the saved by the bell where kelly breaks up with zack for jeff from the max at the dance where they were dressed like romeo and juliet was on this morning...
Blondie6133: yeah
LTrain581: i may have been a little misty eyed
Blondie6133: Armaggedon was on, and the part where the woman's like, "That man's not a salesman, that's your daddy"
Blondie6133: gets me everytime
LTrain581: oh, man...and the part where liv is all "daddy no!"
LTrain581: and ben is all " i love you bruce willis's character!"
LTrain581: it's great
�What�s this film rated?� � Jan, about Fahrenheit 9/11
�X�for EXTREME!� � Dave, ala Duff Man
Blondie6133: well I wouldn't start your next convo with, "So Jan thinks you're a slut because you've slept with more than a baker's dozen�
JWong037: so if i called .... "janny, lets go running"
Blondie6133: I'd say "Get lost Wongy, I'm having an erotic dream about you"
JWong037: then i'd say, "cool, open the door and i'll join you in bed cause i'm here"
JWong037: <ding, dong>
Blondie6133: hahaha
Blondie6133: <wong dong>
Blondie6133: kind of like Wan Ton, but with a stiffer noodle
�Kohl�s is having a sale � 80% off of a ton of shit.� � Mom
�Happy birthday, spread your legs.� � Sara
�Okay, well, I have to take my eyes out. I�m Sandy Duncan.� � Sara
�Yeah well, in that department, to me, Jason is like a Ken doll.� - Sara
RING
�Hello?� � Jan
�I have to tell you about the weirdest thing that just happened in the cab.� � Sara
�O�k��- Jan
�My total came to 11 at 11 o�clock on the dot!� � Sara, sincerely amazed
Mtchbx20terp: you should ask her if she needs a hand
Mtchbx20terp: take a picture
Mtchbx20terp: and threaten her with it
Mtchbx20terp: or make farting sounds
Mtchbx20terp: or walk into the living room and declare that it smells like a meadow muffin has fallen into the living room
Blondie6133: how about I just stay in here until I head a "flish"
Blondie6133: flush
Mtchbx20terp: haha
Mtchbx20terp: head a flish
Mtchbx20terp: you going down on a fish?
Blondie6133: DAVID! Eww
Mtchbx20terp: you said you didn't like the smell of fish, but you never said you were against deep throating one
Mtchbx20terp: it's like we have a sick cult-like comedy thing going on
Blondie6133: I read "sick cult-like" like, sickle cell, and I was like, "WHAT?!
Mtchbx20terp: yes, cause I think sickle cell comedy is really the genre we should move towards
Blondie6133: well we've conquered tourettes
Mtchbx20terp: and have been scolded accordingly. ASSFUCKERTITTYCUM!
�I burped for 20 minutes straight yesterday.� � Sara
�And now playing the part of the short Indian guy, Dave.� � Jason
<pause, everyone looks at Dave>
�How.� � Dave, waving
�Things inside you that move are gross.� � Jan, about being pregnant
�Like gas?� � Sara
�Or a penis?� � Dave
�It just proves he�s loved. That�s what I do with people I date.� � Sara, about Hoffbear
�You beat the stuffing out of their arms and legs? She�s just interested in their trunk parts.� � Jason
�Give�em some Percacet, a few Vicoden, and some beer�and then the panties drop.� � Jeff
�C�mon, we gotta play swords.� � Jeff to Jason about going to the bathroom together
�All you need is some Zanex and a Bloody Mary. That�s how I�m getting to China.� � Sara
�Most people just dig a hole through the Earth.� � Jan
�They�re these lenses that change color in the sun! They get darker!� � HS girl
�They�ve been doing that for years. My car windows do the same thing when there�s a stupid bitch in it.� � Wong, to Jan
�I think you think that I think you�re a slut but I don�t.� � Jan to Sara
�STDman! He�s HOT!� � Jan
�If you rolled, everyone else would be done with their trip and you�d be like, �okay I�m ready!� � Sara
�Okay, there were like 8 words in that sentence I didn�t understand.� � Jan
�Dude, if you�re trying to put your penis in me, don�t tell me my ass is disgusting.� � Sara
Whodinky2: will it shock you that Slovakia won the penis showing apparatus?
�Tear down the Berlin Wall�and get David Hasselhoff to sing there.� � Sara, sinister at first
�I thought it said William Hung. I�m NOT doing that.� � Sara
�What could he possibly have to say in a book? It would only be, like, 2 pages long. You wouldn�t have to count much.� - Jan
�Dude, he�d have to explain why his parents never got him braces. That�s, like, 2 chapters right there.� - Sara
abbylynnB: nighty night for now
abbylynnB: wet dreams
abbylynnB: sweet dreams!!
abbylynnB: SWEET dreams!
�The Great Wall of Saturn?� � Sara
�Heart attack of love.� � Dave and Jan
�You imitate Beavis and Butthead so well. I can�t do it.� � Jan
�YOU can�t imitate someone?!� � Dave
�I�m not GOD! Yeah, like God sits around all day imitating Beavis and Butthead. <cue REALLY BAD impression>.� � Jan
<Laughter>
�My God! I sounded like a Beavis and Butthead dry heave!� � Jan
�Every time he walks by my office, I�m doing something stupid. Like, yelling, or doing a dance, or throwing a box.� � Sara
�Throwing a box, is that, like, a drug term?� � Jan
�Am I weird cause I don�t like to poop at work?� � Sara
�You�re not the only person I know�I don�t know why I�ve collected data on this�� � Jan
�Read my lips, no new lesbians.� � Sara
�Whoops, I have feelings for you!!!!� � Jan, responding to Sara�s rant about �Accidentally in Love�
�He�s a lean, mean, German machine!� � Jan, about Jason
<Gasp> - Jan
�What?� � Sara
�Her little back flip to that crotchy thing she just did. Man, I should be a commentator.� � Jan, on balance beam
�We�d be sooo funny! You and I, we�d be the best crotch�� � Sara, mixing her words
<Kirsten in the bathroom while having a conversation with Jan>
�I feel like I�m at home with my family. Except my mom would open the door.� � Kirsten
�While you�re going to the bathroom?� � Jan
�Yes.� � K
�Even still?!� � J
�Yes.� � K
�You know what�d be cool? To sleep in a bed surrounded by water on all sides.� � Sara
�Yeah.� � Jan
�You know if a pelican landed on your bed, you�d freak the fuck out.� � Sara
�I�d lose my life.� � Jan
�No, you�d piss your bed and I�d be there to laugh. I�d pop out of the Pelican�s mouth and wave.� � Sara
(Jan, as Sara in a pelican�s mouth) �HA HA! GOTCHA! Take me away, Pelican!�
Whodinky2: i HEART john stewart.
Whodinky2: i'd spank that jew ass.
Whodinky2: HARD
Blondie6133: that's...scary
Whodinky2: why?
Whodinky2: you want me to spank your's?
Blondie6133: um no thanks
Whodinky2: ooookay
Whodinky2: i'm a tad bit stoned.
Blondie6133: that explains the jew ass comment
�So one of Carl�s dancer friends says that Lenny Kravitz smells. Like, he has a bad body odor. And he may or may not use deodorant.� - Sara
�I have POOPS cooler than him.� � Sara
�NEIL PATRICK HARRIS IS A HOMO!� � Sara
�So has Jason RIPPED the ring from your finger yet and run out of your apartment since this conversation started?� � Sara
�God, he�s gay too! It�s like, Night of a Thousand Homos!� � Jan
�You know that retractable Jesus I was gonna build?� � Sara
�Hey man, does it bother you that Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen can get a private jet and you�re in coach?� � Sara, drunk, on a plane with Dave Coulier (Imagined)
�You�re hot and I�m full of snot�lalalalalalalala.� � Jan
�It�ll make your boobs bigger!� � Sara, to Jan about breastfeeding
�I DON�T WANT BIGGER BOOBS!� � Jan
�Dude, I can�t wait! I�m thinking about becoming a wet nurse.� � Sara
�You�re randomness is what makes you funny.� - Jan
�That�s it? Not my wit? Not my large orbs also known as my breasts?� � Sara
�LARGE ORBS?!� � Jan
(Laughter)
�I�m so disgusted!� � Jan
�Why? It�s not like I�m making you lick them!� � Sara
�For the record, my breasts are lickably delicious.� � Sara
�Can you imagine if I called you up and said I had sex with Lenny Kravitz?� � Sara
�Well, I would find it hard to believe because you�re so odor conscious.� � Jan
�Ya know, if I�m in a couple of relationships for a year or so each, I HOPE you'd have sex with those people. I hope I have sex with those people.� � Sara
�Would you like ME to sleep with them first to see if they�re worth it before you waste a number?� � Jan
�WE should throw you a shower.� � Sara
�What, like, quilting and porn?� � Jan
Blondie6133: we�re meeting with the DJ on Sunday. Any requests?
Heathbar21: how about �The Amy Sucks Song�?
�I didn�t even know you liked hot dogs.� � Jan
�I LOVE hot dogs. I just don�t eat them that often. And I�m picky about them. That was a big fuckin� hot dog, man. If that hot dog was a penis�� � Sara
�Aaaaaaaaaaaaand STOP. Stop right there. Don�t go any further.� � Jan
�I was gonna report her, but then my girlfriend kicked me in the balls�� � Jan
I look at him and I just think �swashbuckling�.� � Sara, about Orlando Bloom
�I look at him and think white supremacy.� � Lauren, thinking Sara was referring to Eminem
�The Hoffman Home for Wayward Teachers.� � Dave
�Is that marijuana on your computer screen?� � Jan
�She�s smoking cannibus through the internet!� � Jason, about Kirsten
�What happens when you�re tired of feeding the doggy?� � Jason to Jan
�Doggy gonna die!� � Dave, in Manwich voice
�I�ve been very gassy today.� � Lauren
�It�s Lauren the farting dog!� � Sara
�The first pee is the greatest�� � Sara, singing to �The First Cut is the Deepest� while in the bathroom at DuClaw
�Insert Slocum joke here�� � Everyone
�Yeah, Cosmo�s like, �How to get your man to listen�. He�s a GUY, he doesn�t listen. What�re you gonna do, threaten to withhold sex FOREVER?� � Sara
�Hover over his erect penis until he listens.� � Lauren
�LAUREN!� � Jan
�Hey, I can be a crass bitch when I wanna be.� - Lauren
�You are alternative lifestyle.� � Jason�s substitution for �you are gay�
�Picture me on a table with no shirt.� � Sara
�That�s often how I end the evening.� � Jan
(While cleaning my room, I found 4 funnies written on a note pad�they�re probably from last year�s list, but they never got added! Here they are!)
�Yes, but when it�s in your ear, it IS that big!� � Jason
�Hey Hardy Boys, the mystery�s in my pants!� � Dave, as Nancy Drew
�Why are you red? Were you rubbing it?� � Jan to Jason
�Run down the clowns�� � Jason, to the tune of �Send in the Clowns�
�Yeah, she was doing naked Beavis and Butthead impressions�huh huh huh�� �Dave, while shimmying (as Jan)
�What, it�s not like he was here naked�� � Jan
�Or WAS he???� � Jan and Dave simultaneously
�Fucking palm trees! It�s so hard to do it with watercolors!� � Kirsten�s innuendo
"Why is Larry Flint in a wheelchair?" - Jan
�His perversion has crippled him.� � Kirsten
abbylynnB: if they can't pass the written....
abbylynnB: (you see where i'm going with this)
Blondie6133: we definitely SHOULD go
Blondie6133: In fact, let's make a date for Saturday
JWong037: ooo janny
JWong037: :-*
Blondie6133: NO SEX
Blondie6133: I'm sorry, Wongy, I'm taken
JWong037: haha
JWong037: i don't go on dates to have sex janny
JWong037: what kind of person do you think i am?
Blondie6133: gay?
JWong037: it was a rhetorical question
JWong037: cause i do like sex on the first date
JWong037: with girls
JWong037: who have boobs and a vigina
JWong037: and a cute face
JWong037: silky smooth hair
JWong037: and smells nice
Blondie6133: Um, only you could spell "vagina" wrong. Are you sure you're straight?
�We weren�t talking about drugs, we were talking about hugs!� � Sara
�She was like �I WANNA SEE YOUR BRA!��Dude, I�ve never had a guy that excited about my bra.� � Sara, about her 2 year old cousin
�Guess what I did for the first time today.� � Sara
�There are too many possible answers for that question.� � Jan
�I pumped gas! I kinda remembered my mom showing me once, and the directions were in English, so�Plus, I graduated with a double degree in Partying and Frat Boys. It�s like, put the nozzle in the hole�I can obviously do that.� � Sara
�I�m blowing this whole thing.� � Jan, trying to repeat a funny episode of Friends, but failing.
�Yeah, this thing, giant penis. You�re blowing it.� � Sara
�She said, �My daddy has a bra.� That was like a week after she said he didn�t have a belly button. It�s like, �Dude, you�re a freak, I don�t really want to talk to you right now.� � Sara, about her Uncle
abbylynnB: i had the craziest dream last night. i was in an elevator in a hotel, and this old woman started writing on me with a blue grease pencil. i asked someone i was with what she was writing, and apparently she was writing the mark of the devil on me over and over and over again. i remember running away from her, but she followed me and kept writing it on me. very odd
abbylynnB: oh, and by the way, how are you?
�I�ll stick to my Lever 2000 Rain. I smell like rain�ACID rain!� � Dave
�Someone relapsed into Prince George�s County!� � Dave, about Jan�s snapping
�Where will they show up next?� � Advertisement about the Fanta girls
�In my dreams!� � Dave
�Fantame! Fantame! Dios mio!� � Dave
�Gimme a B!� � Movie Preview
�B!� � Dave, loudly
Blondie6133: well I can always ditch Jason if you wanna go Les.
abbylynnB: what an offer!!
abbylynnB: it's very tempting
Blondie6133: I would have to be the man though. I'm far butchier than you are.
abbylynnB: oh man
abbylynnB: i think we'd have to share the pants
Blondie6133: I think that ranks up there with the top 5 sentences I never thought I'd say.
Blondie6133: Third only to "Yes, Officer, I am a professional street walker" and "I�m sleeping with Alec Baldwin"
�As long as you don�t drop trou in front of your kids, they won�t see.� - Jason
�There you go�Cookies are better than men. They don�t lie, and they ALWAYS taste good.� � Jan
�I�m showing �The Lion King� because it fits with our unit.� � Jan
�What is your unit on, the African Diaspora?� � Sara
�Why do these bands always have such hostile names? Like, Poison or Spider Bait. Why can�t they be like, Sunflower or Tulip?� � Jan
�Two lips on yo� mama�s ass. That�s a tougher name for a band.� � Jason
�No, but I did used to give them massages.� � Jan
�PENILE massages???� � Jason
�Wanna go to Party City and wreak havoc in the pi�ata aisle?� � Jan
�Eh�I haven�t whacked any animals lately.� � Dave
�It�s SO nice out! I love it!� � Jan
�No! The polar ice caps are gonna melt!� � Dave
�But it�s so nice!� � Jan
�Yeah, you won�t be sayin� that when you�re rowin� your ass to work!� � Dave
�What do you think Jim Carrey�d be like in bed?� � Sara
�Insatiable!� � Jan
�I�d sooner vote for Colin Quinn!� � Dave, about a bad American Idol contestant
�What channel is the game on?� � Jan
<BURP> Kirsten
�Best channel ever!� � Dave
�Anal bead!� � Dave, to the TV
�Buttplug!� � Kirsten
<cue gross reaction from Jan>
�I was thinking about your sister!� � Kirsten
�I�m a baby, baby! I�m a diaper dandy!� � Jan, as a newborn Dick Vitale, after making comments about the size of Dick Vitale�s head, and being sympathetic to his mother during childbirth. There was no laughter to this except from Jan.
�I�m just a bread machine!� � Jan, to the tune of �love machine�
�Cause when I watch basketball, I often think of a woman�s vagina and Dick Vitale�s head coming out of it.� � Dave
<cue Jon making motions as if opening something>
�It�s awesome, baby!� � Jon
�I hope they all tear their ACL�s walking home.� � Jon, as Jan banishes him from saying he hopes Duke fans die.
�You stay in Poppin� Fresh Zitties face!� � Dave, to the Terps on tv about JJ Redick
�I�m pretty sure that�s EXACTLY what Gary said in the huddle.� � Jon
�I�m gonna honk all the way home!� � Dave, after a Terp win
LMT52181: we took the kids outside to play the other day and I got to make snow angels
LMT52181: actually, we were on a baseball field...so I was all excited that we were making "Angels in the Outfield"
SpecialAngel81: it's not like you're asking me to do it naked while spinning a basketball on my finger
Blondie6133: it could be worse, he could be a Trekky...
Blondie6133: OR
Blondie6133: one of those people who re-enact crap in the woods on the weekend
�They�re the ones who like desserts.� � Jan
�Yeah, desserts and porn!� � Sara
�It�s like watching cardboard act!� � Autumn, on Patricia Arquette from �Medium�
"Remember when she said she was related to Robert E. Lee?" - Jan
"Wait, isn't he black?" - Autumn
"No..." - Jan
"Wasn't there a Lee who was black?" - Autumn
"Uhhh..." - Jan
"Great, it's Black History Month and I'm all 'Go Robert E. Lee!' and everyone just looks at me...they probably think I'm a white supremacist!" - Autumn
�Normally I don�t condone drugging your children to make your life easier�� � Sara
�I�m smushing the phone to my face to hold it and I�m thinking, �This must be what Ms. Moses felt like.�� � Sara
�This song is stupid�The Byrds �Turn, Turn, Turn��It�s like, way to make up your own lyrics�FROM THE BIBLE!� � Sara
�Oh bitch! Not you�I meant shit�I don�t swear that much anymore.� � Sara
�Piddle, piddle on the wall, who�s gonna get their ass beat when Dad gets home?�� � Dave, i.e. Mirror, mirror
�Kirsten? Bart? Jason? He�s a government op. Maybe he can turn into a fly.� � Jan, about a fly
�That�d be gross�buzzbuzzbuzz.� � Dave, around nipples
�If that thing comes near my nipples, I�m outta here.� � Jan
�YOU�RE ONLY HALF BLACK!� � Jan, about Halle Berry�s Oscar acceptance speech
�Is she? What�s the other half?� � Abby
���.Donkey?��.� � Jan, said in BAD Shrek accent
�If you screw it, it�ll go in.� � Jan, about the screw on the back of the Seahorse shower radio
�I�d say I wanna have his babies, but I might be frightened by the size of the�<gesturing>�gun in his�<gesturing>�groinal holster.� � Jan, about Will Smith
�Forty little boys�<gesturing>�pants standing at attention.� � Abby, about the boy�s choir singing with Beyonce.
�Get some butt, maybe some nut.� � Kirsten, Abby, Jan commentating on the Maryland Basketball game when a player from our team head butted a guy in the nuts
�They better be back in less than seven minutes�or I�m punching the tv.� � Abby, completely calm.
��Born Into Brothels��sounds like an uplifting love story.� � Jan, during the Oscars
�Rima, your karaoke, when drunk, is great, and when sober, is hilarious! But under no circumstances or states of mind will her t-shirt EVER be cool!� � Jan, about Jenny�s �I heart fireworks� t-shirt
�Wait, did you say she was making the shirt WHILE watching the fireworks? Cause, I�m picturing her sitting on the hill overlooking Lake Candlewood with a bedazzler spelling out �I heart fireworks� with sequins!� � Jan
�I�ll just leave you with this. Guess what his name is? Fodus Magofus� � Rima
Mtchbx20terp: Sara gave up swearing??? That's like Jason giving up tall, you giving up funny, me giving up...I don't know...I won't give up anything. Moving on.
�There are so many pop culture references and they talk so fast. It�s like, �Parle vous frances, ya know, like, James Spader.� � Sara about Gilmore Girls
�That�s on my list of things to do at your wedding�after the caterer.� � Sara
�Well, you�re naturally darker than me.� � Jan
�Jan�VANILLA is naturally darker than you.� � Jessica Krohn
MetalnGuns: You break open the wine?
Blondie6133: Haha not yet
MetalnGuns: Vagina.
�Who says that randomly??? I�m gonna start using that in conversation. Vagina. Whenever there�s a break in conversation. Vagina. �Hi Ms. K, how are you today?� Vagina.� � Jan, after Jeff�s random response (see above)
�She drew on you during dinner? And you didn�t get her number? You have�NO game�� � Sara
�Whatever, you know what�s disturbing? My boyfriend is a cat.� � Sara
�I need a full body massage. And a cavity search.� � Sara
abbylynnB: like cybersex with cupcakes
Blondie6133: now THERE'S a name for a band
Mtchbx20terp: I love Jan...she loves me...we play mario constantly...with a bitch slap ass...give a dog a bone...this old man came home all stoned. :-D
�You�d have to set up a video camera. We could sell it to a network. It�d be like, �The Girl and The Monkey� or �Sary and the Doofus�.� � Jan
�Well, all drugs can be dope. It�s like how, all ducks are birds, but not all birds are ducks.� � Sara
Rima926: okay, then can you please explain the dream where i was dating chris tucker and he was a really bad kisser, and we were in my basement, except it was over an ocean....and his tongue was moving in this oddly rapid motion
Rima926: so i don't understand it
Rima926: but that's disgusting
Blondie6133: CHRIS TUCKER?!
Rima926: i don't like chris tucker
�Why do Dear Abby and Ann Landers have different last names?� � Jan
�I don�t know�Ask Jeeves�� � Sara
Blondie6133: Dude, I'm pmsing like a rabid dog. And I think I'm getting a cold. Why can't they make, like, chocolate flavored Nyquil?
abbylynnB: oh man... because they know that women everywhere would be drunk off nyquil 24/7
Blondie6133: The "night time sniffling, sneezing, bitching, complaining, so you can ovulate without a runny nose" medicine.
�That�s so comfortable. I try to be sans clothing as much as possible. If you�re talking to me at home alone, chances are pretty fucking good that I�m naked. If not naked, in underoos and a tanktop.� � Abby
�My Kool-Aid brings all the boys to the yard�� � Abby
�You put your leg here, and I�ll put mine here and this position will help with maximum potential.� � Rima, as Jason
�All day I had �Edelvine� in my head.� � Dave
�Anal vine?!�- Jan
�EDELVINE! Isn�t that a song?� � Dave
�EdelWEISS is a song.� � Jan
�It�s like the porno version of �The Sound of Music��Ho in the rear, a female rear�� � Dave, singing
�I couldn�t use my other hand. I�d feel clumsy and dumb.� � Jan
�You�re not writing a letter!� � Dave
�Nothing says �Happy Birthday� like �I�m three weeks late!�� � Jan
<From Jan�s dream>
�My tux�s name starts with Calvin Armanifiger.� � Dad
�Dad, that�s like, 6 different designers!� � Jan
�It was only $35.� � Dad
�Maybe it IS a Calvin Armanifiger�� - Jan
�Remember when you said you didn�t have chemistry with people?� � Jan
�I don�t. I don�t have chemistry with ANYONE.� � Sara
�You have chemistry with ME!!!� � Jan
�I�m not talking about CHEMISTRY, I�m talking about chemistry. Sexually�I�m not trying to allow you into my vagina.� � Sara
�I was also one of the only people there not sleeping with one of the dads. I normally wouldn�t lump myself into a group of people with Allison Hawley�� � Sara, about Kindercare
�That Mr. H is one FINE piece of ass�� � Sara, joking
<moments later>
�That Mekai Pfeifer is one FINE piece of ass�� � Sara
�See, you said that about Mr. H earlier, so I don�t really trust your opinion.� - Jan
�What IS that hanging from the rearview mirror? It looks like a GIANT garder.� � Jan, moving closer with Dave
�Oh, it might be something religious.� � Jan
�It�s a Jesus thigh ring!� � Dave
�Thank you. Come again. Smell bad.� � Jan
�White people stink up store. Everyting half off. 75 cent.� � Jan, as Dollar Store worker
�Look at me, I�m naked!� � Abby
�Jump in, Lick it up!� � Abby originally, Jan�s idea to market t-shirts, pants, whatever�
�The first bar that has antenna, right?� � Jan
�We�re there!� � Dave and Abby
�I�m even more ghetto fabulous, cause my balls don�t match!� � Jan, about her antennae
Blondie6133: Tell him that the east coast, west coast rivalry momentarily stops every time he tries to be black, and both sides come together in mutual disgust over him.
�Okay, when I say �Pirate,� what word comes to mind?� � Jan, playing Catchphrase
�Arrrrrgh?� � Lauren
�Um�Striped African beast?� � Lauren�s clue while playing Catchphrase
�I�m going to write music, you know.� � Chris
�He�ll be a geologist-slash-songwriter�what will you write, ROCK music?!� � Jan
�You know what movie I watch every time it�s on, even though it�s not that good?� � Jan
�Showgirls?� � Lauren, guiltily
�What was his name?� � Mom
<Lauren and Jan think>
�Meschach Taylor.� � Lauren
�For some reason I was thinking something Hall�� � Jan
�You were thinking Arsenio, you�.racist�schlub!� � Lauren, to Jan
�Good, I�m not on that piece of shit list enough!� � Lauren, after Jan writes down her quotes.
�Did I make you poke my ass the other night?� � Jan, about her rock solid butt
�I poked something�� � Dave
�Too bad Lindsay Lohan wasn�t hosting, she�s of age�they�d probably be doin� it backstage. I mean, come on. John Stamos is SO a step up from Wilmer Valderrama. I mean, Uncle Jesse versus Fez??� � Sara, stemming from Hilary Duff co-hosting the view, and John Stamos flirting with her.
- The Mariachi band at 7-11 outside of their cars, playing
�Hey, he looks like the coffee man�Juan Valdez!� - Dave
(Jan, pessimistic about Dr. Mario)
�Your attitude is annoying!� � Dave
�They were talking about you.� � Dave, about owners of Chinese place
�They were?�- Jan
�They were talking in their damn foreign language!� � Dave, pissed
�They were speaking English!� � Jan
�Hit play whenever�NOT YET!� - Jan
Mtchbx20terp: you, me, and Lauren! :-)
Mtchbx20terp: and your mom
Mtchbx20terp: me and the kochanov women
Blondie6133: hahaha
Blondie6133: sounds like a sitcom
Blondie6133: Dave and the Ko Ho's
Mtchbx20terp: taking place in SOHO
Mtchbx20terp: sippin on some jojo
Mtchbx20terp: twirling a yoyo
Mtchbx20terp: but J-KO must watch out for BoBo the dancing hobo
Mtchbx20terp: Lauren can be a gogo
Mtchbx20terp: and your mom's main transportation is a pogo
Blondie6133: Do you think ANYONE else in the WORLD is discussing right now what member of the View they'd beat up first?!?!
Whodinky2: i think barbara walters is on the phone with diane sawyer right now, actually
Blondie6133: <Big Angel Emoticon>
MetalnGuns: whoa, thats awfully big, better put on my shrinking glasses
Mtchbx20terp: thinking about poop?
Blondie6133: oh baby yes
Mtchbx20terp: fecal freak
Mtchbx20terp: woot woot, another paper done!
Blondie6133: HOLLA
Mtchbx20terp: haha, I thought challa bread
Blondie6133: is that a Jewish thing?
Mtchbx20terp: yeah
Mtchbx20terp: it's tasty bread that is shaped pretty neatly
Blondie6133: haha
Mtchbx20terp: challa at your jew boy!
Mtchbx20terp: it's a sin to throw bread though
Whodinky2: blah, blah, blah i have crabs, blah, blah
�If you name your son Jack, that�d be child abuse.� � Sara
�Jack Hoffman?�Jack�Hoffman�OH! JackHoffman!� � Jan, finally getting it
�His hands are above the table, so I don�t know what�s going on.� � Dave, at dinner, while Jan giggles from the carbonation
�But where are my toes?�- Jason
�If anyone can get the avocado off, it�s Jan.� � Dave
abbylynnb: i've decided to try to wean myself off hot chocolate and onto hot tea for my early morning commute. i expect this initiative to last only this morning before i go back to hot chocolate. realistically, i probably will do hot chocolate this morning, too
artemis4129: i tried to organize my room once
artemis4129: they found me 6 days later, dehydrated and buried under a pile of shoes
artemis4129: i've just let it be since then
"I'm just a random black guy from KFC." - worker at KFC, who jumped in a picture with me posing with the all-white Colonel Sanders statue in the doorway
"You're not random, you're Jimmie!" - Me, reading his name tag
�Fifty piece set for $20?! How can we NOT get that?!� � Jason, while registering for Tupperware
�Trim N�Vac? A new world version of the Flobe?� � Jason, about a hair cutter
Mtchbx20terp: i'm envisioning a ricki lake or jenny jones show right now in my mind!
Mtchbx20terp: not springer though, cause then you'd have a midget attached to your ass or something
Blondie6133: again, if THAT's what turns you on...
Blondie6133: that's so funny, cause I�m talking to Abby about midgets too
Blondie6133: how ironic that it came up in 2 convos
Mtchbx20terp: hot topic!
Mtchbx20terp: i bet her midget wasn't attached to your ass though
Blondie6133: there's a sentence that, when taken out of context, can mean so many things
�If I ever meet Tori Spelling, I�d go to jail for kicking her ass,� � Sara
�That should be on a t-shirt.� � Jan
�Yeah, sure, it�d be in Polish, but �Tori Spelling� would be the same.� � Sara
�Last week, John Stamos was on the View, and yesterday, Bob Saget was on. And damnit, Bob Saget seems like a cool guy to hang out with.� � Sara
�I feel like the two of them could hang out�even though one of them is SO much better looking. No offense to John Stamos, but that Bob Saget is one hot piece of ass! C�mon, Dave Coulier?!� � Sara
�May I ask why all of our conversations eventually come back to Dave Coulier?� � Jan
�I don�t know, but you know how your ears ring? He�s probably like, �Those damn blonde twins are talking about me again!� but he won�t think of us, he�ll think of Mary-Kate and Ashley!� � Sara
�The lamp on my ceiling looks like a giant nipple!� � Sara
�Poo on you, broccoli!� � Jan, to Abby�s bad broccoli
<cue Abby leaning over, and quietly burping in the direction of her broccoli>
�Jason�s so excited about moving into the house.� � Jan
�Wouldn�t you be if you were pushing 30 and hadn�t moved out of your parents� house?� � Sara
�I feel like Jeff�ll graduate, move home, and around his 22nd birthday, you�ll get a knock on your door. Or, like, you�ll come home one day and he�ll be dressed as a garden gnome in your front yard.� � Sara
�Do garden gnomes wear lederhosen?� � Sara
�I don�t think so. Suspenders, maybe.� � Jan
�I feel like Jeff�s will be baggy. Gangsta rap lederhosen.� � Sara
�Cause I, too, am a garden gnome, tap tap tapping on your window. Except I�d be dressed like Glinda the Good Witch.� � Sara
�It�s possibly the greatest invention since, like, anal beads.� � Sara
<cue gross reaction from Jan>
�Which, for the record, I have never seen, OR partaken of. But I knew it�d get a rise out of you.� � Sara
Blondie6133: you're in rare form today
Mtchbx20terp: i'm a beeboppin jew-pimp!
Blondie6133: if I drew you as such it'd be funny
Mtchbx20terp: hahaha, bling blingin yamucha
Mtchbx20terp: star of david diamond incrusted teeth
Mtchbx20terp: fur coat and hasidic curly hair
Mtchbx20terp: don't forget the challa bread....CHALLA!
�Lenny Kravitz, smell or no smell, has got to be better in bed than Tom Cruise.� � Sara
�Just don�t drop by unannounced, cause that wouldn�t be good.� � Sara
�Ding Dong�ding dong is right!� � Jan
�Um, yeah, I�m gonna have to ask that you move your viruses to another level.� � Jason, like �Ladies Man�
�This guy on the trip, when he sneezed, he had NO wind up. It was like BAM!� � Jason
�Breasts for less!� � Jason, after a Dress for Less commercial
�Well we KNOW why Tommy Lee gets ass.� � Jan
�Cause he got a horse cock.� � Jason
�Control your piece!� � Dave
�My piece was doing fine until you stuck your nose in it!� � Jason
Mtchbx20terp: eww...steven spielberg. what if he did the ET phone home light up penis thing?
�I keep going to the wrong side of the island to get to the trash can.� - Jason
�God is trying to tell you something.� � Jan
�Yeah, �Move your trash can, ya a-hole!�� � Jason
�To buy: A padlock so Dave can�t get in�A muzzle for when Dave DOES get in�� � Dave
�Whatever, I scream it.� � Dave
�Hey, isn�t that our friend Dave getting his ass kicked?�- Jason
�Go go magic pole!� � Dave
<cue Backstreet Boys song>
�Backstreet�s Back, ALRIGHT!� � Dave, Jan, Jason, singing along
�And we ALL know the words�� � Jan
�Oh my God, they�re back again.� � Jason, deadpan
�Oh my God, we�re back again.� � SONG
�What barnyard animal starts with an �F�?� � Rob
�Flamingo!� � Jan
�Flamingo isn�t a barnyard animal!� � Jason
�On a flamingo farm it is!� � Rob
�Stick a cork in me, I�m done.� � Dave, causing Jan to laugh hysterically
�Cork, fork, screw, whatever!� � Dave, after being corrected
