�No, I do not show ta-ta.� � Lauren, when asked if she flashed Luke Perry�s father at Mardi Gras
�What�s his name? Pastey?� � Aunt Carol, about Pacey on Dawson�s Creek
Mtchbx20terp: haha, in art today, one of my boys decided to make a giant penis for the paper meche eagle for our school!
Mtchbx20terp: and then later on today, we had family life, where the boys got to see and hear about the PENIS and TESTICLES and noctournal emissions
Mtchbx20terp: what a fun, raunchy day
Mtchbx20terp: let's just say, it would have been a HAPPY eagle, had it gotten put on
Mtchbx20terp: just what every parent wants to see...a letter explaining what you did, with the words "i'm sorry" and "penis" in the same sentence.
�There�s a girl�who wants to be a bullfighter�but she lives in Oshkosh, Wisconsin.� � Lisa�s idea for an Oscar winning film
�Jay Mohr is my�� � Jan
�Nemesis?� - Lisa
�I want his face on MY crotch!� � Lisa, about Sean William Scott wearing boxers with Justin Timberlake on his crotch.
�Ooh! It�s M-to the-atchbox Twenty!� � Lisa
�What are they doing there?� � Lisa
�I don�t know. It looks like some sort of�� � Jan
�Tent factory?� � Lisa
�Brad Pitt is not the smartest�monkey�in the cage�� � Lisa
�I�m just saying, bald women aren�t generally received well. Come on, Sinaed O�Connor? Where is she now? Susan Powter?� � Lisa
�Who names their kid Ursula? You�re just dooming them to become an evil squid on the bottom of the ocean. A BUSTY squid.� � Lisa
�Andy Dick is MY nemesis!� � Lisa
�PS If I get close enough, I'll slip her your number.� � Sara, about Kelly Clarkson
Whodinky2: i don't understand what this new trend is with r&b artists to have this heart pouring monologue of a song.
Whodinky2: it's like "Hamlet."
Whodinky2: only black.
Whodinky2: so like "Whamlet."
Whodinky2: wait, no, that'd be George Michael
Whodinky2: so like, "Yolet."
Whodinky2: yolait.
Whodinky2: D'amlet.
Whodinky2: HAHAHA
Whodinky2: THAT'S IT!
Whodinky2: yoda toilet.
Whodinky2: i wish they'd make randy and paula ones.
Whodinky2: i'd also purchase reuben and clay bobbles.
Whodinky2: and julia dematto, but just so i could go find her and make her SUCK ON HER HEAD
Whodinky2: sorry, i'm an old bat
Whodinky2: who just burped stuff and cucumber.
LTrain581: i know...i figure if i got deaf in one ear that could be my "thing" ...like "hey, there's that girl who's deaf in one ear" or "yeah, did you hear that if you scream directly into her right ear she won't hear a damn thing!"
NicKo3850: I want to get a job at the Disney store at the mall
NicKo3850: I want to sing karaoke to Disney Songs all day on top of the stuffed animal mountain
LTrain581: dude...my picture would be up there too...even if i was....al pacino's butt double
LTrain581: what you don't think my luscious ass could double for al pacino's???
Blondie6133: you're just patronizing me now
MetalnGuns: nope, just trying to get in ur pants
�Showa back, youngin��soap soap!� � Jan�s away message 6/14/03
Whodinky2: Ewan Dohno. End waiting and national disney opposing hatred, NOw.
Whodinky2: hahahahahaha, "Now fry like bacon you little Hoffman piggie, FRY FRY!"
Blondie6133: naked twister
Whodinky2: who needs twister.
Whodinky2: left breast on red, big hard cock on yellow?
Whodinky2: DUDE!
Whodinky2: What a GREAT pickupline.
Whodinky2: You drool skittle, look sexy and go, "Taste the rainbow."
Whodinky2: we're acting out the Valley Girl Harry Potter.
Whodinky2: "I'll like die!"
Whodinky2: "No you like won't, Voldemort is such a loser."
Whodinky2: "Yeah, LO-SER."
Whodinky2: Dr. Mrs. Simon Cowell H-O-T.
Whodinky2: I think he may end up getting a restraining order.
Whodinky2: either that or have the best sex of his life
Whodinky2: and then he'll stalk me
Whodinky2: and I'LL have to get the restraining order.
Blondie6133: you might allow Simon to stalk you
Whodinky2: if by "stalk" you mean "tie to a bed and have his way with me," then YES, I would.
Blondie6133: SPF 4568745
Swak42: hahahaha.....same here
Blondie6133: we should buy stock in Coppertone
Swak42: yeah, we could be some rich, pale girls
Blondie6133: damn the tan!
Swak42: its ok......cause we wont be a wrinkled mess when we're 40 like everyone else
Swak42: and when they all have spots all over them, we can point and laugh
Blondie6133: we'll be healthy and pale, and they'll all look like suitcases
DISNEY 2003!
�Ribs are good, but there�s too much work for so little food.� � Jason
�But you eat crabs!� � Jan
�It�s a social thing!� � Jason
�It�s Florida, do a re-vote!� � Random guy in Hoopdee audience after the vote was equal
�Play the theme from �Deliverance�!� � Jason, to banjo guy at Hoopdee
�Disney World�by way of Atlanta, Georgia.� � Jason
�Bank right, fool!� � Jason, to pilot
�Joe Mama, paging Joe Mama.� � Jason, in airport
�El cayate?� � Jason
�What is this dog from? I don�t recognize him.� � Jan, about a stuffed dog in gift shop
�101 Non-Dalmatians?� � Jason
�How about Liv Tyler? Is she there?� � Random father to his wife upon her describing Rockin� Rollercoaster and Steven Tyler being in it
�You�re going to get even whiter than you already are!� � Random woman, to me, commenting on my color after getting off Rockin� Rollercoaster
Jason as the Indian at Hoopdee
�Where did they go on their honeymoon?� � Jan
�Outback Steakhouse?� � Jason
�He�s as green as he is cabbage looking.� � Comedy Warehouse
�She has THE most aggravating voice!� � Random worker at Pleasure Island to Jason and me about another worker at the gate.
____________________________________________________
"Actually, you came up last night." - Jan
"Wait, is this a good story or a bad story?" - Sara
"I don't know, you listen and decide. We were leaving the bar..." - Jan
"OH! Of course I came up then!" - Sara
"�And it smelled like urine." � Jan
�Drinking and urine remind people of the old college me. WHO HAVE I BECOME?!� � Sara�s away message 6/26/03
"And I saw a headless German Shepard on the side of the road!" - Jan
"Was it running?!" � Sara
�I think the dumbest fight my mom and I ever had in college was when she said �You CANNOT major in frat parties and boys!� and I said �But you can double major in it!� � Sara
�Did you guys crack up laughing?!� � Jan
�No, it was serious. But I definitely graduated Suma CUM Laude.� � Sara.
�Good news is it�s not Ricky Martin and Natalie Portman.� � Sara, about the �Dirty Dancing� remake
�Bad news is Patrick Swayze has a cameo.� � Jan
�Yeah, but he�ll have a mullet so it�ll be funny. You know what would be great? If they had him in a karaoke bar, drunk, singing �She�s like the wind�� � Sara
Blondie6133: who is Jenny Hall?
AsianTERP: a girl who used to live on my block WAY back when i was a tiny lil Jwhoa
Blondie6133: hahaha
Blondie6133: I read Jwhoa and thought it might be an asian word
Blondie6133: for like, Little Boy
�Want to get in the pool?� � Jan
�Yeah�let�s make out, and cause a real scene!� � Heather, referring to the couple mounting each other in the water.
�My day consists of cooking, cleaning, and laundry. I�m one thing away from being a vag.� � Jeff
�I can just see the headline now: �Girl writes list, weds Judge�.� � Sara
�She�s pretty good.� � Jan
�Yeah, but she looks like she�s going to EAT the other contestants!� � Sara
<RING>
�Hello?� � Jan
�HAMBURGERRRRRRRRR!� � Sara
�Well, okay, I just called to say hamburger. I�ll talk to you later.� � Sara
Whodinky2: so, i started crying in the car on Sunday.
Blondie6133: WHY?
Whodinky2: b/c...
Whodinky2: I'm proud to be an American came on the radio.
Whodinky2: I'm not even all that YAAAAAAY USA.
Whodinky2: I didn't support the war.
Whodinky2: I think our president is a retarded monkey with a rich daddy.
Whodinky2: yet i CRIED.
Phil SP98: wanted: personal assistant....duties include giving headrubs, making food, doing laundry, and other assorted "favors" on demand....salary commensurate with "experience".....if interested, please IM your resume and DO NOT tell my girlfriend or your boyfriend
�Are you a praying woman?� � Kirsten
�Uh, yeah, why?� � Jan
�Cause I want you to pray that Pat calls me.� � Kirsten
�Oh geeze�do you even LEAVE fingerprints?� � Rima
�Want to see something painful?� � Jan, from the bathroom
<Opens door, Rima laughs hysterically looking at Jan�s pajama pants>
�Not the outfit, the sunburn!� � Jan
�And he�s good with kids.� � Jan, about Matthew Maconahey
�I know! He�s so cute!� � Rima
�And he plays the bongos naked!� � Jan
�And he has the nicest ass!� � Rima
<Pause>
�When did you see his ass?� � Jan
�When did he play the bongos naked?� � Rima
�There is jack shit on.� � Jan
�What�s on?� � Rima
�Nothing�s on.� � Jan
�See, I thought you meant Jack Ass, and just mispronounced it.� - Rima
�You can�t spell �primate� without Rima!� � Jan
�Guess who asked for my sister�s number?� � Jan
�Like, for social reasons?� � Rima
�Trivet. What a southern frog says. Trivet, trivet, trivet. No wait. Who says T�s instead of R�s? Oriental frogs!� � Mom
�Jan never had a good eye.� � Rima
�Exhibit A!� � Dave, pointing to Jason
�Was that thunder, or you, Jason?� � Jan
�I bet he parties hardy!� � Mom, about insurance man Steve
�I feel it changes the genre of the song. Is it a power ballad, or a ballad?� � Jan, causing Rima to crack up because �only Jan would say something like that, using the word �genre�.�
�I love you like the Chinese love cat!� � Dave
�I�m all action in the sack!� � Dave
�You�re a damn oven mitt, shut the fuck up!� � Dave, about the Arby�s commercial
�Just seeing her online makes me BURN with anger.� � Jan
�That�s not what the burning is, Jan.� � Sara
�Why do you imitate me like I�m Billy Bob Thorton?� � Sara
�He can�t even find weapons of mass destruction, like he�s gonna find a vagina!� � Sara, about Bush being bad in bed
"I love when you say things about your flat white ass." � Jan
�Eww, well that�s a loogie that�s waiting to be hocked.� � Sara
�I�m so excited! I�m squirting water everywhere!� � Jan
�As I dive head first into your crotch!� � Jan
�That�s a sentence you don�t hear everyday.� � Dave
�She looks like a pilgrim. Or, not a pilgrim, but one of the founding fathers of our country.� � Dave, about Bea Arthur
�I thought you said cow nipple.� � Jan
�Moo, suckle suckle.� � Sara
�Hi Mrs. Mitten, have you lost your kitten? Is buttsex a hereditary desire?� � Sara
�You know what I never want to have?� � Sara
�Kids?� � Jan
�A bunyan.� � Sara
�What should my away message say?� � Jan
�Kodak.� �Liz Carosella
�I don�t know why you�d spend thousands of dollars on this product cause you touch the words and they don�t move.� - Liz C. about the computer
�If he walked in the door right now, I�d do him like a fuckin� horny rabbit.� � Sara
�ARE YOU PUTTING ME ON SPEAKER PHONE?!� � Sara, accusatorily screaming
�NO! I don�t even HAVE speaker phone!� � Jan
�I do NOT have sexual fantasies about Kelly Clarkson! Why doesn�t anyone believe me?� � Jan
�Why is Jason moving OUT of his parents house and INTO his parents house?� � Sara
Blondie6133: What are you up to?
MetalnGuns: blowing myself
Blondie6133: Wow
Blondie6133: You're talented
MetalnGuns: well I hired a monkey to do it for me
�I had another erotic dream about Eminem last night.� � Jan
�What color? Plain or peanut?� � Jon
�If you lean back, we can take YOU to the emergency room.� � Lori, holding up water bottle to Jan�s ass
�When the aliens come, you�ll be glad I left them out!� � Evan, about glasses full of water
�I was gonna yell at you but then your wiener was there.� � Jon
�Wait, where�s the table?� � Drunk Jan
�Slobernocker� and �Meinrod� � football players
�Wait is that a song or something? Cause that�s the second time today someone has said �Fishdick� around me.� � Jan
�Dog�s nose� � Jason
�Would you want your member to be frostbitten?� � Kirsten
�She�s over there lapping up his piss!� � Jason
�What�re those, pronouns? I dunno�� � Jon
�What, were you taking bong hits in your room? You come out and laugh hysterically and eat peanut butter cups.� � Jon about Jan
�Do I pull the long one or the short one?� � Mrs. Hoffman, about the cords on the fan
�Don�t even go there, Vicki.� � Mrs. Dipippa
�There�s two in there!� � Kirsten, about Chex mix in her shirt
�I think you�ve always had two in there.� � Chris
�I parked next to you last night. Our cars made love.� � Kirsten, to Jan
�Dave and I decided we�re going to get drunk and ride the carousel at the mall.� � Jan
�Yes! A buck a ride!� � Kirsten
�Is that all you cost?� � Jan
�Where did you went?� � drunk Jan
Kirsten�s red Hitler mustache
�Wait, I can be the Chex Hitler�<puts two piece of Chex on upper lip> BLAH!� � drunk Jan
�Yay! Sulfites!� � Jan and Dave, high fiving over the ingredients in their Smirnoff Ice
�I�ve got stuff all over my face!� � Jan
�Shit, that says �bitch�. FUCK!� � Dave, pretending to swear in front of his kids while reading
�She looks like Amazon woman! Look, she came right out the tree!� � Jan
�And hit every ugly branch on the way down!� � Chris
�She has nice eyes though.� � Kirsten
�Who�s looking at her eyes?! I was focusing on her unibrow and pompadour.� - Jan
�Baby�s got schnoz.� � Dave, to the tune of �Baby Got Back�
�Find the gerbil who chased the pen that got stuck in the bottle that�s stuck in her crack. I don�t know why his hand�s in her crack. It won�t come back.� � Chris, to the tune of �The Old Woman Who Swallowed A Fly�
ginia8md: go ahead a pop out a baby boy, we'll see
LTrain581: okay, who's hotter? Phil Collins or Michael Bolton?
�Yeah well, she�s not really a human, she�s an idiot!� � Dave
�You know what would be really funny to dress up as one year? An English muffin.� � Kirsten
�That�ll put some�� � Rima
�Hair on your chest?� � Jan
�Well, yeah, it�s Lebanese, and we ARE a hairy flock.� � Rima
<Laughter>
�I�ve gotta write that down!� � Jan
�I�m glad the hair of my people makes the funny list.� � Rima
�Well, you know, God does work in�� � Dave
�The fragrance department at Hecht�s?� � Jan
�If that was God, then we�re all screwed!� � Dave
�If I could get my right hip to pop right now, I�d PROBABLY have an orgasm.� � Jon
�Hey, that�s a good idea. I could give blow jobs at the mall for money.� � Jon
�That�s what your generation has become; unsociable, straightlaced, poopheads!� � Mom
�Did I show you my Maryland license?� � Jan
�You didn�t show it to me, but I rifled through your purse at IHOP.� � Lisa
�What do you want to drink?� � Kirsten
�Coke, Sprite, water, whatever.� � Jon
�Milk suckled from the nipple of a weathered cow?� � Jan
�Is this going to end the way it always ends?� � Jan, about being tickled by Jason
�What, with Jan falling asleep?� � Jon
�Is the bacon sharp?� � Kirsten, about her triple bacon topped pizza
�I WOULD POOP ON THIS AWARDS SHOW!� � Kirsten, about the Billboard Awards after an unnecessary skit with Triumph the comic insult dog
�Ms. K, you just lowered your cholesterol!� � Durrell, after I ate a handful of Cheerios
�I don�t care if he had a TWINKIE on his paper!� � Sam, being impatient about Mark answering a question.
Kirsten426: jeff hoffman appreciates anything with a vagina
�Bryan, you haven�t been able to zip it all morning! What is the problem?!� � Jan
�His zipper�s broken!� � Steven
�I got all these hotel points for my stay on my last trip. I basically have a free night�s stay at any one-star hotel. So it�s pretty much like a night at a Flo-Jo, or something.� � Jason, meaning �Ho-Jo� (Howard Johnson�s)
�Got chocolate milk?� � TV commercial
�Got cholesterol?� � Dave
�That cheerleader is ugly!� � Kirsten, during the Superbowl
�They probably auditioned them from the neck down.� � Jan
�Yeah, it�s like, put a bag on their heads and see how they bounce�that�s how you auditioned me, right honey?� � Lori to Evan
Kirsten426: would you buy a cd by an artist, "DJ Liquid" entitled "Electoacidfunk" ?
Kirsten426: what could a song named "gyro gearloose" possibly be about?
�I was wearing a white t-shirt today and I thought about getting some letters to iron on it and say something about cheese.� � Lisa
�I was trying to get rid of the pile of cinder blocks from the back yard. So I took two blocks a day to school and piled them in the parking lot. I didn�t tell anyone. And then another teacher asked me how he could build this shelving unit in his shed, so I encouraged him to take the blocks from the parking lot, still not telling him that they were mine!� � My Dad
�I didn�t want to take the WHOLE box of paper, so I took a ream every other day until I had taken the whole box�don�t tell anybody.� � My Dad, ashamed
�I do not need a new one!� � Mom, about her bathrobe
�Your boob�s showing through it, you certainly DO need a new one!�End story.� � Dad
�I wanna hump a clown on tv.� � text message from Sara
�I have a rule. I will not have sex with anyone who was having sex when I was still shitting myself.� - Sara
California �04
�We have no tray tables.� � Kirsten
<Cue Jan looking at the back of the seat in front of her, then proceeding to rip off the Velcro seat cover to reveal the inner padding of the chair.>
�I just want to make sure everyone has their food.� � Flight attendant, looking right at Kirsten, who does NOT have food, then disappearing down the aisle.
- Flight crew motioning us to our tiny propeller plane with the orange direction sticks when we�re about 50 ft. from it.
�Oh, and the plane vibrates.� � Kirsten, warning Jan
�Yessssssssssssssss�� � Jan
-SMOFO (Sma-foe) : �Sexy Mo-Fo�; code for cute guy
�All good things start with an �O��Ocean�Orgasm�Ohio�� � Kirsten
�Oh God�� � Jan, disgusted
�If I hadn�t been sucking on my rod�� � Kirsten, missing her chance to turn left because of her pretzel rod
�Make me laugh. That�ll scare the birds away.� � Jan
<devilish giggle from K>
�I just pictured myself mooning you.� � Kirsten
�I said scare the BIRDS away, not ME!� � Jan
-Jan gets out of the car to find her bottle cap, tries to get back in, but Kirsten begins to move the car forward, laughing manically
�I feel like I re-ingest it when it gets to my bladder.� � Kirsten, on why she doesn�t pee often
�Jan�s practically engaged, but I can still look, technically.� � Kirsten
�So can I!� � 78 year-old Nancy
�But I told Nancy to tell him we were meeting there.� � Diane
�But Nancy didn�t do that!� � Nancy
�Ladies and Gentlemen, out the left side of the plane is Las Vegas�aaaaand out the right side is�absolutely nothing.� � Pilot
�I�d like the flight attendants to take a seat and fasten their safety belts as we fly through this weather system. It gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling to know that everyone is seated with their seatbelts securely fastened.� � Pilot
�We�re going to be beginning our decent in just a few moments, so if there�s anywhere you�d like to visit, now would be the time to do that.� - Pilot
�U up still?� � Jan texting to Sara
�No I�m texting whilst sleeping� � Sara texting to Jan
�Basically, if you were a computer part, you�d be my motherboard, cause I can�t run without you. Thank you.� � Jon�s impression of Jason�s wedding vows
�If a man came up to me on the street and said, �Hi I�m Jesus Christ, your lord and savior,� he�d be in a mental institution! C�mon Jan!� � Rima, on �The Passion of the Christ�
�You could hire midgets, and they can wear little hats and you can put chips and salsa in them and they can walk around!� � Rima, on the reception
�Ooh! Can I throw your bachelorette party?!� � Rima
�Yes, but you know the rules!� � Jan
�Yes, I�m well aware of the bachelorette party restrictions.� � Rima
�And no penis-shaped items either.� � Jan
�NO PENIS-SHAPED ITEMS?! What kind of bachelorette party is this? I�ll just get guys with mullets to walk around!� � Rima
�What�s he gonna call it? Big Gay Clay�s Big Gay Christmas Album?� � Jan, on Clay�s X-mas album
�Gay Aiken�s Gay Christmas Gay Songs�Gay.� Kirsten
�I�d be a bad girl�cause I�d stick waaaaaaaaaaay too many things in there. It�s like your own homemade purse!� � Jeff
�Hookers and strippers and porn, oh my!� � Sara
�There�s no appropriate time to tell you this�� � Sara
�Ohhhhhhhhhh�this bag is not a toy.� � Jeff, sadly
�What is that, like a crappy Skittle?� � Jeff, about multicolored bridesmaid dresses
�You�ll never taste the rainbow.� � Sara
�Welcome home precious!� � Sara, imitating Golum
�Wait, wait, your watch was drunk?� � Drunk Jan
Whodinky2: Anyhoo, I'm going to shower and go wander around the stinky city.
Whodinky2: It smells like BO and urine.
Whodinky2: I love New York.
�There was that time in college when I stopped smoking pot cause I thought I would be drug tested at work. But then I wasn�t and so I �fell off the wagon� so to speak�� � Sara
�You fell off the tractor and into a field of pot.� � Jan
�Did you know Stevie Wonder went through a heroin problem?� � Sara
�Did he want to try to see colors?� � Jan
�Is he wearing a shirt with his own face on it?� � Jan about Ruben
�It�s either him or Luther Vandross.� � Sara
<Laughing. Then it turned out to ACTUALLY be Luther>
�Then elope! Let�s go! Road trip! We�ll get a bus, I�ll drive it!� � Sara
�I�ll have to call you Sary Partridge. As long as Jason doesn�t have to be Danny Bonnaducci.� � Jan
�No no, I think Jeff has that covered.� � Sara
�Sara Seacrest. Doesn�t it sound like a cheerleader, or a newscaster?� � Sara
�Or a deoderant.� � Jan
�I feel like he�s a pussy in bed. �I�m gonna mop the floor with ya, Seacrest.�� � Jan
�As long as he doesn�t say �Seacrest OUT� when he�s done.� � Sara
�Ryan Seacrest�s orgasm���.after the break. Or like, �14 million people voted��� � Jan
�Natalie, what�s the sleepy ingredient in turkey?� � Lauren
�Tryptophan.� � Natalie
�I know!� � Alex
�Alex, what�s the sleepy ingredient in turkey?� � Lauren
�Sleep dust!� � Alex
"My mom never wanted me to walk with anything in my mouth cause she said if I fell, it would go down my throat and choke me." - Kirsten, on her lollipop
"Then you just have to tell your mom that you're going to learn how to be less klutzy." - Jan
**Cue Kirsten standing up in the restaurant and whacking her head on the lamp hanging over the table, completely stepping on my point.**