Memoirs

Journal Archives.

September 6, 2007_{---Blond, and happy.}

I have gone through three stages of blond, and I am happy where I've ended up. Being blond is more fun, I promise.

I've been a little up and down this summer. Some things have happened to me. I've allowed some things to happen to me. There have been a few tears. I just will never learn to be mean enough to say no. To let people go. As much as I hate to admit it, all the bad things that happen to me are in part my fault. I'm not brave enough, or strong enough, to get what I really want. What I really deserve. Boys are mean to me, take advantage of me, because I let them. I let situations get to the point where I can no longer control them and then I get upset that I have no control over my life.

From now on I've decided to be the person I've never had the balls to be. I'm learning to say no when it really counts. Because I'm tired of always ending up in someone's bedroom. Or in someone's car. Doing things that I don't want to do. Because it's only rape if you say no. And it wouldn't even happen if I said no. So why not just say no. Why always choose their feelings over my own. Their ego can take a hit better than I can take another day after spent crying by myself.

Just stand up for yourself.

We'll see if I actually can. I've alreadu started, and I'm more glad every day that I cancelled that date. It's more fair in the long run, and it's worth losing an aquaintence if I can look in the miror a little bit easier. I think.

I do have the greatest friends in the world. There are people in my life that I can call. That I can tell anything. And they will never turn their backs on me, never think less of me. I glad that when I say "this summer showed me who my realy friends are" I am actually saying that this summer proved that all of my friends are for real. I may not have tons and tons of friends, but every one I do have I can consider a best friend. And I have more best friends then almost anyone I know. And I have realized that they are worth working hard to keep. I'm not letting time or distance keep me from people.

I soon have to spend over a week with just my parents. Hopefully I make it out alive. And by that I mean hopefully I don't shoot myself in the face. At least this gives me one last chance to get my tan on before driving donw to California to see my girl Sonya. I cannot wait for that. Hopefully Janna doesn't bail and it has to be cancelled, that would really upset me.

This summer has left me with many stories to tell, so if you're interested give me a call. We will chit chat. But none of that goes on the internet. No way.

Rebecca talk the talk _@ 12:53 AM

July 29, 2007_{---Many things have happened that will not be mentioned here. Pictures.}

Sonya and I are slightly amazing together. That, unfortunately, is an understatement. Here is just one example.

Of course there's the family. Dad's birthday was the 3rd, so grilling was done.

The fourth of July. Always fun. No fireworks for us, just booz.

Sonya and I went to the drive in. It was somewhat of a fiasco when we couldn't turn off the car's inside lights. Phone calls were made, and cars were moved.

Rebecca started the line _@ 6:28 PM

June 27, 2007_{---late night rambling.}

If I ever get a job/career/lifestyle that embraces creativity the way I do, I will get the most amazing back/shoulder tattoo you have ever seen. It is in my mind and it is huge, in more ways than one.

I should be sleeping, but God doesn't let me sleep during the night time, so here I am instead.

Calling people is always number one on my list of things to do, and then it never happens. I get too caught up in silly little things and the time just passes. I don't want to lose touch but sometimes it just happens.

And all of these boys that keep calling me. And I'm not sure if i'm ready for all of that yet. There is this guy in this band I know that I'm really into, but that will never actually happen. Not any time soon anyways. I don't think I want it to.

I'm buying new underwear tomorrow. I'm overly excited to a degree that's slightly unhealthy, but who really cares.

I'm pretty sure I got the job at Nordstrom. Now I have to quit Victoria's Secret and I feel a little bad about it. I really just hope I make more money, though.

I guess I'll try to sleep more, have to get up soon...

PS
Picture post soon, I promise.

Rebecca mmmmm _@ 1:11 AM

June 14, 2007_{---exactly one month. sorry this took so long.}

I found myself this year and now I know everything will be ok. I used to be scared of the future, scared of failing, but now I�m not scared. Wherever I end up, everything will work out. I�ll be fine.

I�m going to miss this year so much. It was perfect, and completely unexpected.

Kisses:

Arthur

Greg

Sonya

Ryan Bravo

Beer pong guy

Logan

Michael

Sonny

Nick

Sean

Maggie

Mac

Josh

Guy with white boy fro

Someday I want a boy to carve my name into a tree.

Miss:

Kate

Janna

Krista

Amelia

Rekha

Keegan

619

Spending nights on the fourth floor

People thinking I live on Lander 6

Kate doing crazy things

Not needing to day dream

Bathroom keys

Impromptu photo ops

Hanging out in Krista�s room

All the boy drama

All the Kathy Yi drama

Knowing more people than I realize

Giang and his stutter

Watching the boys play pool

Being on my own

The highest highs and the lowest lows, all in one week

The ground floor lounge

Lake Terry-Lander

Having people on my side

Skeezy parties

The best beer pong game of my life

Couches

Top bunks

Kate looking attractive

South Campus

Both George Washington statues

There is more. This list will be continued in the future.

All those insurgencies could just have been you walking into a trap you saw coming.

Only recently I realized I�ve lived an actual life. One with ups and downs. A storyline and subplots. If I wrote a book someone would probably want to read it. And I�m the only one who knows the whole story, start to finish, down to every last detail. For now I like it that way. Not that I�m keeping secrets, there are just things that have yet a need to be told.

I wrote a great poem today while in the shower, but I�ve lost it.

Picture update tomorrow, because it must be done.

Rebecca lived in the house that Jack built _@ 11:53 PM

May 14, 2007_{---picture update.}

this is so sad it's actually almost funny

It hasn't been the best quarter, but I'm making it the best it can be after everything that happened.

May 8, 2007_{---thinking happy thoughts and knowing someone's there.}

I haven't written any poetry in a long time. The next night I get alone with myself will be dedicated to writing terrible poems that only I will hear/read. I do love them so, even if I hate admitting to people that I love to read and write just as much as they think I do.

Krista and I have found my new soul mate. I see approximately seven million times a day and don't know his name or anything about him. All I do know is that he's tall, fairly good looking, and that he's my soul mate. Krista has already promised to go talk to him for me, so marriage plans will soon be in the works. Stay tuned. Maybe I can even get a creepy stalker picture of him or something, that would be way intense.

sun

journals

my mom

pictures

changing majors

changing paths

acquaintances

not wanting to have changed, but changing all the same

still being effected

not knowing what's ahead

someone trying to hurt me

trying not to be hurt

my sister

smelling good

looking good

bikinis

I'm so ready for things to start turning around for me. I'm ready to be lucky and carefree. I'm ready for people to just admit the past and be adults. And when I say people we all know the person I'm talking about. Just be an adult and then I can be an adult and it can be over.

I'm really tired right now, I think it may be time for a nap before the homework begins. I should probably also start trying to go to class so the homework is easier, but such is life I suppose.

Enough for now, but I'm addicted to journal writing so this may not be the end for the day.

Oh, and the last one. The one I actually really like despite everything that happened.

Rebecca sleeping awake _@ 2:58 PM

May 8, 2007_{---here's to feeling better and moving on.}

Rekha is one of the greatest people in the entire world. I've been seeing her every day and it always makes me feel a little bit better about life every time. She's just so easy to talk to and be around, and she really cares about people.

Krista is amazing too. She's so open to telling me things I know that I could trust her with my life, and those are the kinds of friends I plan to invest in from now on.

I've met a lot of new people recently and made a lot of new friends, but there is still just this core group that I can't live without. They are everything to me and that's something I don't know if I would have said a year ago.

I'm in the process of putting every Beatles album ever on my i-pod, it's actually ridiculous. I love the Beatles, and I'm disappointed there are so many songs of theirs I don't know. I'm also hunting for new music, suggestions are deeply appreciated.

I'm so ready for all of the drama in my life to be done with, so I'm doing everything I can to phase him out without doing something I regret. I untagged him in all of my pictures on facebook and it's actually a little sad. Me doing that literally cut his picture count in half, apparently I'm the only person who ever felt compelled to take pictures of him. Oh well, such is life I suppose. I kind of want to get the valentine I made him back, but I don't know if that would be completely weird of me. I'm not actually sure I even care if that would be weird. Now it's time to get these pictures out because I never really wanted to keep them to myself.

There is one more but I'm waiting on Krista to get it scanned.

Now I just need to get my sunny weather back and all will be right with the world. I almost feel like a crazy person because I get over these things so quickly. I think I just never really expected the thing with Greg to last. Actually, I don't think I ever really believed he was telling me the truth, and knowing all I do about him now just makes me lose all respect for him. He's just not a good person. He only cares about himself, so while I was there trying so hard and caring so much he was just thinking who his next fling would be and who he would cheat next.

He's hurt so many girls he almost seems unhuman in my mind now. I don't even hate him because he doesn't seem to really exist, he's just this story you hear about that can't possibly be true. I certainly don't think I know him at all. Actually, I know him perfectly, the problem is that I've always looked at him from the wrong angle. I always just assumed he was a nice, good guy without him actaully proving it to me. That was where I went wrong, that's how I let myself get here. Oh well, I haven't cried in over a week and there is nothing involving him that could even make me cry at this point.

I can't believe how fast I get over boys.

Rebecca was smelling laundry _@ 7:18 PM

May 4, 2007_{---life sucks right now, this hasn't been updated in forever.}

So, let's just say if you know me at all you probably have some idea what is going on and why it's so bad. It'll be repeated on here at some point, I'm sure, but for now I'm just updating for the sake of updating.

Soon it'll just be a huge picture post, because that's what I do.

I promise someday I'll start keeping this up again.

Rebecca was exhausted at the thought of the coming exhaustion _@ 8:01 PM

January 13, 2007_{---happy next year.}

It's 2007. Hoory for that I suppose.

So, what's new in the new year? No more boyfriend. At least I think so. He said he wanted to take a step back and be friends, and now he calls me every day and is constantly flirting with me. At the end of the day it's unimportant to me. I'm going to keep living my life, with or without him. It's not like he's the only, or best, option open to me right now.

I've manged to reinvigorate my life since coming back to school. I've met a bunch of new people the last couple of weeks and had some outstanding good times. I love being here, except that it is really easy for people to get the wrong impression of me. But that's fine, what will be will be.

I'm always slightly nervous, I never run into certain people when I'm at my best. I'm always in a different frame of mind than I would like to be. Being caught off guard isn't always the way I'd like things to be.

Sam and I haven't talked since she decided to bail on visiting me at school. how is it my best friends are always the most unreliable people I hang out with. I always want to hang out with the person most likely to blow me off. And it's quite frustrating. I know I'm in their hearts, but sometimes you just want people to think of you first. And stop being such assholes.

Tonight is possibly Rocky Horror and Neighbors, although I'm not sure I'm up for all of that. I really just want to stay in and hang out. Lay around and talk. Watch movies. But sitting in my room alone is too sad for Saturday night, at least for me. I need company at all hours or I feel inadequate. Maybe I'll get an offer for a more chill evening, that would be nice. Otherwise it's going to be tag along once again, doing what someone else is really excited about.

Sometimes I'm way too cynical for anyone's own good. At least it's snowing outside. It's beautiful and perfect. Snow is my favorite weather.

I'm really paranoid about something. The more I think about it the more paranoid I become. I need to relax, but none of this can be resolved in my brain until everyone comes back to school after the long weekend.

Rebecca slightly melancholy _@ 2:04 PM

December 11, 2006_{---what's new in my life.}

I never update this, which is a little sad.

Things with the boyfriend are good. Still a little weird but he's really sweet, and I think about him more and more. I don't want to go on Christmas break because we'll have to be apart for a really long time, and I'm afraid things will get weird. Oh well, I'm not going to worry, that can just make things worse. Started talking to Kirk again. Hopefully we can be friends, because I like that kid pretty good. He's a fun time when things go right.

Started knitting and doing sudoku, they've taken over my life. It's actually really ridiculous. Instead of studying for finals I just alternate between knitting and sudoku. At this rate I sould just quit school and become an old woman.

I'm really good at old woman things. I'm a good napper. I knit pretty well. I love sewing, and baking, and sometimes I wear old lady clothes. Someday I'm going to be the greatest grandma ever.

The last few weeks haven't been very exciting. I don't know what's wrong, I must be in a weird rut. I'm ready to go home and relax, then when I come back everything will speed up again. I like to be busy, it make me feel usefull and loved.

I can't wait for christmas. I really just can't wait to get new underwear and black tights. That will make me very happy. Very very happy.

I was going to go home on Thursday, because almost eveyone is leaving either Wednesday or Thursday, but Greg wants me to stay until Friday because that's when he leaves. He would be ok with me leaving earlier, but I kind of want to be with him. If I stay and he doesn't spend time with me I will be exceptionally pissed off. Exceptionally.

NW Harvest is amazing. I will most definitely be volunteering there again next quarter. I just need to find time in my schedule. Somewhere. Who knows how that will work out.

Oh, and yes, I drink now. Deal with it. It's fun sometimes.

I also hate wearing pants. I don't know, they just aren't as comfortable as they used to be. I'm crazy, but whatever. So is everyone else I know.

Can't wait to go home and do some sewing.

Clarkbar was a little gross _@ 9:22 PM

November 20, 2006_{---it is what it is. that's fine for some people.}

Current mood: tired. doubtful. distracted.

Current favorites: muffins. vitamin water. shorter hair. perfume. black eyeliner. straight hair.

Current love: my �sleep� playlist on my i-pod. thesuperficial.com. shopping. showers.

Current hate: relationships. rain when i have to go out. cafeteria food. essays. feeling like i look gross.

Current obsession: boys. phone calls. food. clothes. writing in journals.

Current excitement: home. friends. thanksgiving.

Current insecurity: my communitcation skills. acne. lack of experience.

Current worry: too boring. him losing interest.

Past things: sprained my ankle on monday. was sick. hung out with Kate and Janna on tuesday. Dinner with parents and top modle wednesday. victoria's secret and grey's anatomy on thursday. hung out with Janna and date with Greg friday. shopping subway and movie night on saturday. essay writing and being paranoid on sunday. nw harvest and more essay writing and paranoia today. why the hell isn't he calling?

Upcoming things: poly sci essay due wednesday, then going home. thanksgiving. relaxation and catching up on school stuff. fast food nation. seeing old friends. value village and driving a car. finals. seeing sam. christmas. new quarter.

Clarkbar was frustrated with boys _@ 8:23 PM

November 10, 2006_{---things change. people change. I think I like change.}

New:

Greg is more than a friend. I like him.

Kegan is just a friend. I wish he was gay.

Janna is one of my new best friends. It's weird to not have a history with her though. I'm not used to that.

Rainy. Rainy rain rain. Very wet.

Hair straightening.

Pink.

Not eating breakfast.

Warm fuzzy feelings. Thinking about someone specific.

Text messaging.

Getting phone calls.

More social than school.

Parties and long conversations.

Losing touch with formerly close friends.

Staying up too late, not caring about sleep.

Primping.

Excitment.

I'm pretty sure that can only completely make sense to me. But that's ok. It's best for now.

Kegan left me hanging today, never called. Waiting for Greg. If he doesn't call I'll be upset, because Janna already left to go party and everyone else is home for the weekend again. And I do not want to be stuck in the dorm with Kathy all night. That's just sad.

Going to party with Janna and her friend from high school tomorrow night. Should be good times. I'm so excited. I never used to party, but I have to admit I like it. Feeling free and uninhibited. So excited.

Kate is actually going to stay at school next weekend, which is a new thing for her. Hopefully she'll make it without Ricky.

Clarkbar waited _@ 7:56 PM

October 28, 2006_{---since when did i lose my mind. seriously.}

Worst night of my life last night. I never thought anything like that would ever happen to me. Or that I would let anything like that happen to me. Just when my life was completely stress free I have to go fuck everything up. Maybe I'm making too big a deal out of this. I guess I'll find out in class on Monday.

I really want to call Kegan but don't know what to say. If anyone has any brilliant advice, or crappy advise, or pretend advice, I'm open to all suggestions at this point.

Since my Friday night was so bad I decided to stay in today. Just wallow and do nothing. So I slept, because I got exactly 0 hours of sleep friday night. Then I called my mom and told her everything. She reassured me and tried to give me advice. She told me to have a good cry, so I did. Made me feel a little better. This will definately take a while to get over, especially concidering it involves another person who I'm pretty sure had an awesome time because he just texted me to see what I'm up to. And I lied and said I was busy. Because I'm a terrible person. And I'm going straight to hell.

I think I inadvertently fuck with boys heads. Once again, because I'm a terrible person.

Maybe to keep up my terrible person persona I'll call Kegan and see what he's doing tonight. Even though I think Arthur may think we're dating. And Kirk and I are still somewhat involved.

Anyways, I watched the newest Pride and Prejudice today and it made me feel a lot better. I love Mr. Darcey. So amazing.

I also look really cute today. I've felt pretty cute the last few days, it's pretty amazing. College has done wonders for my style. I think living with Kate has been a good influence on me.

My neck is killing me.

Want to know another reason I'm a terrible person. I'm a little disappointed I didn't get a hickey last night. I secretly wanted one.

Now Arthur isn't responding. I officially feel really crappy again. Thanks a lot Arthur. And I have to face him in every single class. What the fuck. Just shoot me. At least I don't feel so dirty now. Clarkbar was a terrible, terrible person _@ 7:56 PM

October 25, 2006_{---criminal activity.}

The last few weeks have been really good. No depression. Nothing Earthshatteringly bad.

Kirk bailed on Halloween. Now I need to figure out what to do. I don't really want to go to the show anymore, especially if I have to go alone. But I already have a ticket. Need to talk to mon pere.

I was really mad at Kirk, but then he sent me a sweet message and it made it impossible for me to hate him anymore. Stupid boy is messing with my head. At least I know I don't want to date him. That ship sailed a while ago and he missed out. Too bad for him.

Oh, and the boy situation is pretty good too. It looked like the Kegan thing was over, didn't hear from him in a while, figured I would never see him again, and then last night I was studying in the lounge when he came in to study too. Except we both ending up talking for like an hour and a half. Before he left he called my phone again so that I would have his number. So I think I'm going to call him this weekend.

And there's a cute boy on my floor who I've talked to a little bit. We always sit in the lounge reading. He makes me feel like less of a dork for staying up Saturday night reading novels. And he looks pretty good without a shirt on, which is a plus.

I was never this boy crazy in high school. It's out of hand. I guess the good thing is I'm actually getting attention from guys. So no complaints.

Janna and I are going to party this weekend. I have yet to really party while in college, and I want to at least try it, so that's my goal for the weekend. That and thrift stores. And a job.

I suck at getting jobs. I'm too unmotivated. It's ridiculous. I wish people could just know by looking at me that I work hard and am probably more competent than half the people at this school. So frustrating...

All I'm hoping for right now is that I can get some sort of work and that my Halloween doesn't end up sucking. Although my Halloweens almost always suck, so I shouldn't get my hopes up.

Clarkbar was not studying like she should be _@ 12:45 PM

October 8, 2006_{---I download (too much) music.}

I want to be 30. Married to someone I love, with my career in order. And a baby. I never actually wanted to have kids until recently. Now I know I want to have them.

Just not wile I'm in college. When I'm 30. A little bit before I run for president.

Until then, I have no idea what I want. But that's what I want for the future. And at this point I can't wait to get there.

Had a pretty crappy day yesterday. Nothing bad happened. Nothing at all happened. At all. I had a bunch of things I was going to do, but I never did any of them. I just hung around. I waited for phone calls. Waiting sucks.

Friday was amazing though. Highlights include running into the guy from 7 and him asking for my number. The ball is officially in his court.

Also has a job interview. I don't know if I'll get the job, or even if I really want the job, but I got an interview and that's what counts.

Jolynn called me up and I hung out with her and some other girls. Fun times. I like her, and her friends. They're religious, but I've never been against religion so why start now?

Today I'm listening to music and hanging out some more. But in a better way than yesterday. I've got some more reading to do and some English HW to take care of. Got to get stuff done because Kirk is coming up tomorrow.

Which reminds me. This whole Kirk situation is really frustrating. Are we dating or no? I thought we weren't until he started paying for things for me. Like food and movies. But then he asks me to help pay for other things. I'm way confused by this boy. The whole the is just frustrating.

And why the hell does he stay so long every time he visits? Last Wednesday he stayed for 8 hours. That's ridiculous. Both of our lives are too boring for us to be able to keep up conversation for that long. I don't know if i'm looking forward to him visiting tomorrow. But I'm pretty sure we're going to the zoo, and I love the zoo, so that should be fun.

I guess that's the end for now. Hopefully the whole friend situation will working itself out over the next month or so, because I don't like feeling lonely on Saturdays.

Clarkbar was cold _@ 1:10 PM

October 2, 2006_---college.

How college has changed me for the better:

I no longer eat meat

I no longer drink soda (at least not often)

I eat healthier and exersize more

I don't watch nearly as much TV

I read a lot more

I get up while it's still morning

I'm generally much nicer to people

How college has changed me for the worse:

I'm much more depressed than I used to be

I feel more insecure

I still spend too much time on the internet

I'm tired. Which I guess is pretty normal for me

There are more. But I lost them while I was typing. Oh well.

Clarkbar was bored _@ 5:16 PM

October 1, 2006_{---funny feelings.}

I've been super up and down in my moods latly. One minute I'll be super happy and the next I'll be on the verge of tears.

It hit me today that from now on, there is no turning back. I can't get back the good, care free times of "youth" or whatever. I keep thinking about all of the fun I had with my mom, and how I can never have that back entirely. Whenever we go to the zoo from now on it will be more like reminising than just having fun. It makes me really sad.

I have no home anymore. Me and my mom can no longer be best friends. I have to seriously take respocibility for myself and my life. I really just miss my mom though.

And all of those little traditions, all of the things you used to do with your family and friends are gone forever. I have to make new ones. I have to make new friends. No carving pumpkins this year where my mom and I walk through the feilds to find the best ones. No more staying up late with her watch tv and crappy movies.

And as much as this stage in my life sucks I know there's no avoiding it. It's just one of those painful things you have to get through. I hope it's over soon.

And I really hope I run into Kegan sometime soon. Because I like him.

Clarkbar was bipolar _@ 8:30 PM

September 15, 2006_{---school time.}

Time for some hardcore moving-out-shopping. Need every toiletry item imaginable. Still haven't contacted my roomie. Hardly even thought about it.

I'm a chicken. About everything. I always chicken out.

Haven't talked to Kirk since Monday. Was supposed to go to the movies. He's called twice. I've called back never. I don't want to get too involved. I leave in on week.

I want an older boy. With experience. That will make me happy. Maybe.

Been feeling a little sick. Not so good. At least I've had lot a Grey's Anatomy to watch. Love that show. Should be getting the next set of DVDs in the next few days. Need to know what happens next. Can't believe I didn't find this sooner.

Need to do a lot of sewing, cleaning, packing, ect.

Parents are back. Cool. Even thought I liked having the house almost to myself. Have no idea how I'm going to share a room with two other people.

The end for now.

Clarkbar was jonesing _@ 6:07 PM

September 10, 2006_{---Life starts in two weeks.}

So, basically, I've been really bored lately. I've been hanging out with Kirk a lot, which has been fun, but other than that I've got nothing. All the friends I had been with all summer are gone.

I still have Alice, her and I will hang out more. And Sean. I love him. Kate and Anita are still here, but I feel like we've grown apart. I don't know what I would do with them if I called up wanting to hang out. I think I've been replaced in their lives. Acutally, I know Kate still loves me, but things are weird with Anita. I don't know. I guess it doesn't really matter.

Haven't heard from Sam in a good while. I think it's out of site, out of mind with her. Makes me sad. Tried messaging her and no luck. Oh wells. At least Perki isn't ingoring me.

I don't think anything I write on here can really make sense to anyone but me. Who cares.

I don't remember there being this much excitment over 9/11 last year. I think it's all a government conspiracy. Real reason I want to be president: so I can find out all the stuff they don't want us to know.

Parents gone all this week. I'm going to not throw any parties. My sister is taking care of that. So I get to be the responcible one and water the plants. Sometimes being me is boring. At least I'll get some good drunk stories from my sister's friends. And my sister.

Things to do this week:

Thrift store

sewing

Grey's Anatomy 2nd season DVD

clean room

laundry

figure out what I need for school

call other roommate

I'm seeing Little Miss Sunshine with Kirk tomorrow. I don't know if we are dating. But he is a nice guy. And I like to be around him. Fin.

Clarkbar was bored _@ 10:27 PM

September 7, 2006_{---Checking in.}

I'm supposed to be out shopping right now, but everyone in my life is just as flakey as me. So, I'm updating here instead.

Favorites:

red hair

bubble gum pink nails

black and gray clothes

black i-pods

the band Rise Against

John Cusack movies

faux leather

staying up/sleeping late

having new ,linens for school

water over soda

polaroids over digital

neutrals

project Runway and Grey's Anatomy

In other news, I feel ignored by a few people. It's not their fault, they are just busy, but it makes me sad that I can't stop some things from falling apart. I need to stop listening to depressing music. Maybe that will help my moods.

Went to a crazy tropical themed restaurant last night. The only foods they served were sandwiches, salads, burgers, pastas, and pizza. I ordered pasta. It was bad. If a restaurant has tropical decorations and serves mostly Italian food, just leave.

Also got a bunch of stuff I need for school. Sheets, pillow cases, towels, ect. I like then, although apparently I'm going for a tan/purple/off white theme. It should all be good, although it would have been funny if I got all black satin sheets. That would have raised some eyebrows.

Parents are going to be gone all next week. I'm stuck with Shauna. She wants to have a party. That fine just so long as noone throws up any where near me and I have a drunk person free area where I can be sober. Because I've discovered this summer that I am not a drinker. Probably never will be. Who knows, maybe college will change everything. I doubt it.

Kirk is the only person not even kind of ignoring me right now and it's nice. I wish there were more shows coming up, because now I finally have someone ot go with. Too bad most summer shows are done. Things will pick up again in fall.

Clarkbar skipped to her lou? _@ 1:35 PM

September 3, 2006_{---Just when things are turning around.}

My life has been going suprisingly well lately. It feels like the ongoing year of crappy luck has finally subsided and karma is officially on my side.

Kami and I are friends, or at least not enemies, again. That makes me feel better. I don't know why, it's just like a weight has been lifted. No more hate in my life.

Went to see Dave Matthews Band at the Gorge. Amazing. I love Dave, I want to go to the Gorge every labor day weekend for the rest of my life.

Went to Bumbershoot with Kirk. I wasn't sure if we'd have fun or not but it was a blast. I have never had that much fun at Bumbshoot ever. Too bad the crowd for Hawthorne Heights was lame, that was the only bad part. Kirk and I are now officially concert buddies. I no longer have to hunt for people to go to shows with me. Thank God for that.

In other news, I died my hair a bright red color. I really like it except it was kind-of cheap dye so I need to touch it up sometime this or next week. Pictures:

Ok, well, that was fun. I'm going to try and update this more often.

Oh, and if you love me, fill THIS out. Thanks.

Clarkbar was way metal _@ 1:38 AM

August 16, 2006_---Proud?.

I brush my teeth twice a day. Every day. And I wash my face at night. Every night. Just little things that make me feel better about myself.

So, I'm loading all of my music from windows media player to itunes and it's taking forever. Seriously. I wish I'd have know that every CD I ripped would be put into WMA format and not MP3. Pain in the ass.

Both of my parents are driving me insane. I want to move out before the craziness starts to really get to me.

The thing is, I want to move out but I don't want to move where I'm going. I don't want anything to do with school any more. Really, I don't. I want summer to keep going the way it was before everyone started leaving me. Too bad nothing will ever be the same after we all go away and come back. I don't like change. I don't know if you noticed.

I wrote a little. Some of it is a little old. Here:

When the end of the day's the end of the line
I'll smile
for lack of a better thing to do
no reason not to
and I've always been a liar anyway
no different when fate doesn't go my way
Let's make a plan to save face, that fatefull day
reherse what you'll say
no turning back
no slack
when it all slips away
Let's all pretend it doesn't hurt
Make everyone feel good while you're covered in dirt
Life's not so pleasant
so spend you life making everyone else's decent
and they won't be jealous
when life foresakes us

Take my love, you know you'll need it someday
Keep it stored somewhere safe

What happens when there's no excuse
for immorality or self abuse
should I break the news
about everything you thought was the truth
because there's no excuse
for apathy, ingorance
we've all lost our innocence
because we pretend to be decent
and stop asking questions
ask yourself who you'd rather be
a criminal or peacekeeping
and why not?

Don't try and help it
when you can't find it
Don't fight it
just breath slow
noone will ever know
if you don't show
so don't show them what they don't want to know
be real
realize how they'd feel
if they had to confront the truth
about you

We're the other end of the fight
because we can hide
but we can rise
be the suprise
that nobody wants to compromise
fight

Don't overestimate your friends
just because they call you at the week's end
doesn't mean they can't replace you in a second
but there's good news
the opposite's always true
too bad the truth won't save you
unless you really want it to

Is it only wrong in a conventional sense?
Or don't the rules bend
It all depends on you
Is it only crazy in a common sense?
Or should we take a second glace
Every second chance rests with you

Did you tell her, that it's over
Or is there time here, to recover?

Clarkbar loled _@ 11:30 PM

August 9, 2006_{---Just some things. Because I lack the ability to fall asleep at a normal time. And I could do this quietly.}

Leg.

sex hair.

myspace photo sesh.

this is how we do.

hair.

blue beads.

face.

That's it. Enjoy. Look at my LiveJournal for real journal updates. Because it is much easier to update that than this. So there.

Clarkbar touched her head, shoulders, knees, and toes _@ 1:38 AM

July 21, 2006_{---I have some crappy friends.}

i'm sick of having to call people. call me god damn it. why is it that when people go out and do things they never think to invite me? because i'm no fun? not from what they tell me. i think i need to find some new people, ones that think of me at least occasionally. seriously.

oh, and i want people to freaking return my calls and messages. i know you get them. at least tell me that you don't want me to contact you. i'd rather be insulted than ignored.

i need a job too. nobody wants to hire an 18 year old with little to no experience. safeway better freaking call me back. i'm going to go to covington and apply everywhere that is hiring. i want to make some money in the last 2 months of summer damn it.

i never used to swear. but now i do it all the time. oh well. i think now i need to start drinking a lot and partying it up. more outgoing?

now i'm going to chill in the heat and wait for noone to call, because that's my life.

ps
i need someone to go with me to the taking back sunday show on thursday. contact me if you're interested. i doubt anyone will go, so this time i might just go it alone. i don't care anymore. but if you don't want me the least you could do is say so.

man, so emo.

Clarkbar was angry _@ 8:54 PM

July 19, 2006_{---damn it.}

I don't care. I love the song "Speeding Up The Octaves" and that just it.

Sam has gone to the dark side. She said hell to her mom. Bad drama kids (and Nat) corrupted her. It's pretty rad.

I saw a boy I like tonight. Thought I was over it. Definately not. Going to take a while to get him back out of my head. Especially since he is way too nice to me. Making me feel special, dirty tricks.

Taking Back Sunday has a show next Thursday. I want to go but I haven't been having much luck getting people to go to shows with me this summer. I have never felt this lonely in a long time. Hopefully there will be someone in college who will wait in line and wait around after with me. But I have no luck. So no, probably not.

Loyde should stop casting herself in her own plays. No good.

Clarkbar fell again _@ 11:16 PM

July 16, 2006_---advice.

Remember, nobody likes it when they know you're lying.

Being a good lurker is the new popular, so get to it.

Floss.

Think ahead.

Make sure you have nice neighbors.

Clue in you friends. About you and them. They won't thank you and you won't regret it.

Never start a journal when you don't have anything to say. It will end up like this...

Just something:

regret, rage, resentment.

This is no hollywood heartbreak, it's real
and don't forget the last there is left to steal
the body left empty and mindless
thoughtless, my hands are the only things left to fail me now

left on the edge of my sanity and patience
the only place left to go is down
down down down to the bottom of my heart and know
once it's over there can't be more

he tries to make me smile when I'm upset
and that's something I'll never forget
he's always my best bet

lets all talk trash, bash
the votes are in now
you thought you'd win, wow
how did this all begin

love slash hate
and or your fate
he/she loves me
lets all agree

we're on to the next cycle
so recycle all of your friends
lets make ends
meet again
no more amends

Clarkbar was not creative _@ 11:43 PM

July 9, 2006_{---Some people just suck.}

Sometimes I feel like people are ignoring me. Or avoiding me. Or don't want to hang out with me. Like when you know they got your message but never reply. Those people suck.

If you don't want to be around me the least you can do is be real about it and tell me. Straight up. If it makes you feel like a bitch then maybe you're being a bitch. Think about it.

Anyways, project runway is coming back. I'm pretty excited I guess. Although I think the excessive playing of reruns is even more amusing. Always something on to laugh at.

I want the freaking school play to be over so I can have my drama friends back. Especially Sam. We were supposed to chill this summer, but no time with the play. Piece of crap play. That I will of course go and see.

Sonya and Anita are my peeps right now. They never let me down. Perki is finally back. Chicago stole her for a while.

I need to stop coming home at 3am so that I can start washing my face at night and get rid of my acne. because it's out of hand. Seriously. I look gross.

Cute Is What We Aim For show is tonight. Sonya is going. Because she isn't ignoring me. Maybe tonight we can use our aliases...

Clarkbar looked gross _@ 3:10 PM

July 4, 2006_---Things.

What's on my desk:
2 empty bowls
2 spoons
2 empty cups
2 empty coke cans
2 bottles of nail polish
2 bottles of perfume
2 things of floss
2 speakers
2 candles
2 bean bags
2 things of play-doh
.5 pencil
4 pair scissors
proactive stuffs
ect...

Foods I like: vanila & almond special K
coco crispies
canned fruit
milk shakes
frozen corn
green grapes
peaches
watermelon
chocolate
brownies
chow mein
egg rolls
mac & cheese
turkey sandwiches

Hooray for lists.

Tomorrow (Today actually) I'm going on the river and then to Seattle to see fireworks. Bascially it should eb awesome. Hopefully I won't hurt myself. Or hate myself (haha, only Anita will understand that).

Happy fourth!

Clarkbar was annoyed with her familly _@ 12:56 AM

July 3, 2006_---Boys.

I am attracted to:
chubby
funny
somwhat awkward
musical
unique style
affectionate
romantic
aware
oppinionated
different

I love lists. obviously. Thrifting tomorrow because I'm obsessed with clothes and can't get enough.

Still need to write a bunch of thank you cards and letters. I feel bad for not doing it sooner, but I know I won't have enough time to finish until after the 5th.

I really want to go swimming. Badly. It's been so nice out but I've just been chilling around my house or in the neighborhood. I've got friends coming back into town soon, though, so that should be changing.

I'm looking into some shows I want to see this summer. Too bad TBS is $25. I could afford it but I don't think any of my friends would pay, and I don't really want to go alone. Maybe I will anyways. I'll make new friends when i get there.

Also, still waiting to hear back about a few jobs I applied for. I need to get work soon so I can stop feeling totally dependent. Plus I love money and can't get enough of it.

I'm also looking for a new look and a boy. Hence the list above. I just want someone to hang out with who's chill and will show me some good times. I really want some good times.

I also want to start making jewelry like this:

But I think it wold cost too much. Still pretty sweet though.

I'm also thinking about getting an emo haircut like this:

I guess that's all there is to say. Call me to hang out.

Clarkbar stayed up too late _@ 1:56 AM

July 1, 2006_{---Quick update.}

Colors to wear:
mint green
royal blue
nude
cream
beige
tan
light gray
silver
gold
lepord print
light pastels
bright red
dark brown
black

Things to do:
roast yourself
very little clothes
aloe vera with cucumber extracts
chapstick instead of gloss
ice (jewels, drinks, the works)
make your own clothes
listen to crappy music, and love it
download, don't buy

I'm sure there will be more later.

Luvs

Clarkbar was restless _@ 2:21 PM

June 27, 2006_{---Fun facts.}

Been craving healthy food lately yet all I've been eating is junk.

Comfort is not an issue. All about the looks.

True friends sit through boring orientation sessions with you, even though they've already been to orientation.

You don't have to be gay to be proud of the gays.

The Colbear Report is amazing.

Dorky kids are fun too.

Will always resent people who get into Ivy League schools, because I didn't get in.

Listen to some pretty crappy music, but I love it.

Plan on roasting myself tomorrow.

Went on a sewing spree last week. Some nice new stuff.

Need a person with a boat to take me on Lake Union for the fourth.

Never used to use cotton balls, but now that I do I don't know what I'd do without them.

Dorm life will be fun.

Need to go give blood, then get tatoo.

Acne is going down. Fell like less of a monster.

I may actually take French in college after all.

Still hasn't sunk in 'm a college student now.

Angry blow out today, but now less depressed.

Swimming anyone? Call me and we'll go. Because I'm down.

I may never have to take another math class again. Cross my fingers.

That's it for the list. Wrote some poetry tonight. I'll read again tomorrow to see what I really think of it. Maybe good, maybe not.

Orientation was a waste of my time. Good thing it's over and I have my classes all lined up. No classes with friends- not a main priority. Classes are for me now. I want to learn stuff.

I'm addicted to soda, but I don't really care. I'm not going to try and quit now, that would leave less time for fun. And what's more important, health or fun? Obvious.

Good night. Enjoy some more sun shine tomorrow. I'll be roasting.

Clarkbar was better _@ 11:57 PM

June 20, 2006_{---I haven't cryied yet, I don't think I will until the end of summer.}

Here are some of my pictures from the last year. Photobucket sucks and resized them, so they look a little funny.

Check It.

That's all I have for now. Call me if you want to hang out, I've got no plans as of right now. (206)852-3992.

Clarkbar was golden _@ 10:03 PM

June 13, 2006_{---Sometimes I just feel like crap.}

People who make me feel like crap:

Mrs. Fyfe

My mom

Alise

Things that make me feel like crap:

When your friends talk to each other, completely leaving you out of the conversation

When they won't let you into the conversation

When you get shot down even though you didn't do anything to deserve it

When people you really care about don't care that much about you

Feeling like I'm not important to anyone

Feeling like everything I've worked toward is impossible, and everything I've worked for was useless

I don't to deal with this bullshit anymore, I just cant people to care the same way about me as I do about them. I honestly don't think I'll ever get what I want or what I deserve.

Oh, and my sister isn't even coming to my graduation. I'm never talking to her again.

Clarkbar was disappointed _@ 9:32 PM

June 7, 2006_{---It's been a while. I've been busy.}

Ashland last week was surprisingly fun. I had fun anyways. Staying up until 2am every night, having real conversations with people you haven't really talked to in a long time, seeing some good plays, doing some good shopping, escaping life for a week. I'm glad I went, I needed it. And I decided I don't hate Fyfe anymore, she's ok.

Right after we got back was prom. Prom wasn't as much fun, but it was still good. Sam did her best to try and ruin it, which pissed my mom off hardcore, but it all worked out in the end. I just wish the dance was longer, three hours isn't enough dance for me. (Almost) Everyone looked great, and I took a bunch of pictures with my ghetto disposable camera. No professional pictures, my group bailed on me last minute. Bummer. Sam came home with me instead of her date and we took hottie pictures and watched Anchorman. That movie cracks me up. I'll post pictures soon, promise.

Also, after prom we were leaving and there was an opened fire hydrant, so we took pictures playing in the water. I won't go into what all happened with Sam, I just want to forget all the drama. At least I didn't cry.

Yesterday was senior skip day, so we went to Jamba Juice, saw The DaVinci Code, went to Denny's, and went to Sonya's house. Good times.

I have less than 6 days left of high school. That is crazy weird and crazy sad. I don't want to think about it but it's slowing dawning on me that I don't have much time left with these people I've been with for 6-10 years. I'm going to cry. A lot. And I'm scared to go to college. I don't want to lose all of my friends. I'm going to stop before I really do cry.

I've gotten a total of $200 from family members for graduation. I got a really bute card today too, it's my favorite so far, but I won't share what it said.

I wish I could do senior year over again the way ti should have been. I don't think I'll ever have closure with anything. I can't move on.

I guess that's all I have to say right now. Senior Awards are tomorrow. My mommy is going to come watch me.

Clarkbar suddenly got really depressed _@ 9:32 PM

May 17, 2006_{---I hate Mrs. Fyfe.}

I really do hate Mrs. Fyfe. She sucks. I hate her.

Anyways, I found a couple funny things on the internet:

Clarkbar hated Mrs. Fyfe _@ 6:56 PM

May 15, 2006_---Bumrush.

Ok, seriously guys, I'm not getting any less available. I need a freaking date to prom, especially since Sam has a date now. If I'm the only one of my friends going alone I might actually cry, and that's pathetic. You don't want me to be pathetic, do you? Man, this year has sucked like, a lot. A lot, a lot.

So, one of the orchestra concerts was cancelled, thank God. I really need to start practicing regularly again or I'm going to completely forget everything about everything. At least I finally got Kate's student #, so now I'll hopefully have a room mate at UofW.

In other news, I'm done with school. Done. This is the first year I've ever skipped class, and I've been doing it very frequently lately. I mean come on, none of it really matters anymore. All I have to do is get pretty good grade and I'll be fine, and I know that with my schedule that won't be a problem. Except Madame's class. She's decided to give us 4 tests plus speak off before the end of the year. Because she sucks. And I'm going to have to write an essay for Donaldson, but that's no big deal. I'm just tired of everything, I've beeen doing this whole routine for 6 years and I'm done.

The end for now.

Oh, and call me if you want to hang out, or go to prom with me. Phone #s in last post.

Clarkbar [still] needs a freaking date to prom _@ 8:59 PM

May 5, 2006_{---I need a date to prom. Please, someone else ask me.}

So, Jack asked me to prom a little while ago, and I don't want to go with him. I haven't told him yet because I don't want to hurt his feelings and I'm not sure if I'll be able to find anyone else. But I NEED someone else. I really want to go with someone fun who will dance with me and not be so akward, but time is running out.

Madame was making fun of me about me prom date woes, it was actually pretty funny. I love Madame, she's the best. I don't know why I was so annoyed with her earlier this year.

Also, I finally got to talk with the infamous Jossie today and she's actually pretty cool, I like her. She was nice and easy to talk to.

I skipped floriculture to go to the calculus party in thrid period. I don't regret that choice.

Oh, and my dad has been driving me crazy lately. Not for any particular reason, just because he's my dad and he's irritating. Blah.

I haven't been up to a lot lately because all of my friends have had a bunch of stuff going on, leaving me lonely. If you want to hang out I'm game, call me:

Cell: (206) 852-3992
Home: (253) 630-9854

You know who could be a fun date? Kevin. He posted a journal asking girls if they wanted to date him. I would definately go on a date with him, that sounds fun. But I'll never tell him so I guess he'll never know.

Clarkbar needs a freaking date to prom _@ 5:35 PM

April 28, 2006_{---Ultimate frisby isn't so much fun I guess}

Playing games like tag are not very much fun when you are the slowest person and you are the only one there who isn't friends with basically everyone. That is what I did tonight, I played games in the dark with people I hardly knew, but who all had a bunch of friends around them. And Tyler called me Perki and inadvertently told me I suck at frisby. I think I'll stick with playing with friends from now on.

Finished signing up for housing and stuff for UW. I'm still mad about the whole college situation. It makes me feel really inadiquate. And really underappreciated.

Another thing that pisses me off: school. Kentwood has spent all year trying to screw me over, and I'm done with it. I hate school, I don't even want to go to college next year. Crapshoot.

Going to see Sami win state in singing tomorrow and then I'm going to see Stick It. That movie look so funny. I'm excited.

I don't remember why I came on here.

I need to get Kate's student number.

Clarkbar was _@ 10:07 PM

April 23, 2006_{---Clean, so nice}

I have clean teeth but my gums hurt for some reason. They did not hurt yesterday. Stupid gums.

Didn't do hardly anything this weekend, definately didn't do everything I needed to:

Went to see "Thank You for Smoking" with Perki on Friday. Way funny. Way way funny.

Went to the zoo and to the spaggetti factory with my mom on Saturday. And cleaned my room. And got rid of some useless crap.

Read Owen Meany all day today. Sat outside reading because it was so sunny and nice. Too bad I forgot that sunny + my complection = really bad sun burn. It's only on the top of my back, but it's making me really hot, uncomfortable.

Still need to read my group's books, the ones we're teaching for the class. And take care of all of my UW stuff.

I'm sleepy. Goodnight

Clarkbar talked loud and fast _@ 9:43 PM

April 18, 2006_---

This is the closest to suicidal I've ever felt, and I'm sliping closer and closer.

This is the worst year of my life. I don't know when it's all going to end.

Clarkbar_@ 9:55 PM

April 17, 2006_---...

I feel like I don't have a family.

Somtimes I cry myself to sleep at night.

Today I felt almost completely ignored by people I thought I was really close with.

I feel like a failure, but really I feel like the system failed me, and I'm angry.

I want to give up, but I'm too afraid of what people think to ever do what I really want to.

I'm not in love with anyone or anything. I don't know if I ever have been or ever will be.

I want to take the easy way out, but I don't know what way that is or if there even is one.

Half of my life I feel sick because living like this isn't healthy, because unhappy isn't healthy.

I feel like the expectations are too high.

I feel like I'm always second best, completely forgotten, and underappreciated.

Thanks for listening.

-Rebecca

PS I have to do my senior presentation tomorrow and I don't want to. I should just drop out of school.

Clarkbar_@ 8:28 PM

April 7, 2006_{---I'm 18, I'm losing my mind, and I have no idea what's going on.}

So, I'm officially 18. I can deinately say I've had better birthdays, that's for sure. All I did was hang out with my parents; go to diner, watch a movie. My mom did take me to look at tatoos, I think I want to get paw prints on my back, that would be cool. I'm still not sure, I might get doves instead. I might not even get one, but I want one. I wanted one tonight, but my mom didn't take me to look until tonight and I need time to think about what I saw at the shop.

I'm actually really bumed about my birthday, but I realized this journal has gotten really emo, so I'm going to avoid being overly depressed.

Anyways, I think I may be crazy. Or bipolar. I'm not sure. I just don't feel right right now, I've been in a really weird mood the last few months and it's not really going away. It might just be all of the stuff that's gone wrong this year, who knows.

Taking Back Sunday is my new favorite. Just started listening ot them and I'm hooked, we'll see how long this lasts. Both of their records are good, though, they have some catchy tunes.

Concert tomorrow. Yay? I have a feeling it won't be as fun as I hope it will.

Clarkbar felt very emo_@ 11:06 PM

April 1, 2006_{---That was a waste of time.}

I got in to George Washington and UW. Waitlisted at Boston College. Rejected from Harvard, Yale, and Cornell.

This basically just means I wasted 4 years of my life working my ass off just to end up in the same place as everyone else. Starting at the same point as everyone else.

I cried for a while yesterday before my mom took me to diner and shopping to take my mind off of it. I'm still really upset though, and angry. It's not just the college thing, though, it's this whole year. Everything has gone wrong, or at least everything that matters to me. Every time I start feeling sad my mind wander over everything. My uncle. I still can't get over the fact he won't be at my graduation, and I doubt anyone else will go either. I bet my sister doesn't even show up. And what do you want to bet nobody asks me to prom. And then I won't be able to go in anyones group because nobody wants a tag along. Not even Sam. She wouldn't let me be in her group for Homecoming.

And I definately don't want to stay here or go to George Washington next year. Maybe I just won't go to school. Obviously it hasn't gotten me where I want to be, it failed me. I'll go travel and figure this shit out.

At least now I can completely stop trying, or caring, aat school from now on. Maybe I can take up partying, is it too late for that?

Happy Birthday to me.

PS
A bunch of people are going to be gone for my birthday. Who cares anyway.

Clarkbar didn't care anymore_@ 1:53 PM

March 25, 2006_{---Because I should be doing homework.}

I have to write ten DJs for Life of Pi tonight, so of course I'm writing a journal instead.

I got a Beatles t-shirt for $3 yesterday. My mom was more excited about it than me, but it's cool. I like it because it has an image of them during their hippy times, with long hair and beards. I love that.

Started making a dress. I'm almost done cutting it out after thinking up the pattern. Hopefully it all works because I've never made up a dress pattern before. The only real reason I'm making it was because I found the fabric for $1 a yard and got 3 yards. Enough to make a dress. And then some.

Also made curtains for my mom on Friday. They were pretty simple, and she really liked them. They were for the kitchen. They are now in the kitchen. Pretty cool.

So, I'm starting to plan a little camping trip to the San Juans for my friends and me. I'm pretty excited so hopefully it will actually happen. I haven't been to the San Juans in a long time, nor have I been camping in forever, so going with friends would be fun. I already have four other people who would want to go.

My birthday is in 13 days. April 7 marks the day I offically become an adult. Then I can be tried as an adult. State prison, get ready for this.

Oh, and that whole healthy living thing, that hasn't lasted very well. Shoot! Oh well...

Clarkbar smelled like salsa_@ 8:26 PM

March 19, 2006_{---I guess my health is important.}

So Bret was telling me the other day that for a while she was addicted to caffine and couldn't feel happy before drinking soad or coffee. So, she completely stopped drinking soda. At first I didn't really pay her much mind, but then I started thinking about my own relationship with caffine. After thinking about it the last couple days I've come to the conclusion I need to cut back on my soda intake too. Every day I find myself craving it and can't stay awake after school without drinking it. Not exactly a healthy way to live.

So I've decided to quit. The only soda I will drink is when I go out to eat and no more than 2 times a week. That plan sounds a little pathetic, but I'm easing my way into this. Also, I am going to drink more water. I did 30 hour famine this weekend and hardly drank any water the entire time- that's not good. I'm probably continually dehydrated and have just gotten used to it. Oh, and more veggies too.

The last few days I've been hearing a little about the new MCR DVD and at first I didn't really care, but now I really want to see it. The thing is, I don't really want to buy it either. Maybe Netflix will have it. I really hope so.

Clarkbar drank some water _@ 11:01 PM

March 18, 2006_{---Pete, Hey Arnold, solo/ensemble.}

So the other day Pete turns around in econ and starts talking to me about tongues. Then he tells me he has a really long tongue. And then sticks it out to show me. Uncomfortable.

Anyways, I really want to rent the Hey Arnold movie because it's been a long time since I've seen it. I love that little football head. That show got cancelled way ahead of its time.

Solo and Ensemble contest was today. I was the first violin solo and it didn't go as well as I'd hoped. My allergies always act up a lot in the morning, so right after I started playing my eyes started to water like crazy. A few tears fell down my face and my eyes got so blurry I could hardly see the music, so I messed up in some really easy spots. I don't know what my score was, but I hope it wasn't terrible because I did work really hard on this.

That's all I really have the energy for.

Oh, and I watched the movie Jarhead. That was long and a lot of it was pointless. I don't really recommend.

Clarkbar had itchy eyes _@ 11:01 PM

March 12, 2006_{---Wow. Two Blogs. One day. Suicide.}

So, I read this article the other day about mass suicides in Japan. Apparently the new fad over there is for people to meet over the internet and then decide to suffocate together in a sealed car. It makes me really sad, and a little bit sick. The article also said Japan has one of the highest suicide rates in the world. I wonder why that is. What's making them so unhappy, compared to people in other countries?

All of it is surreal. I mean, the coutries who have it the hardest (most poverty, cruelest governments, ect...) aren't the ones that have high suicide rates. So what is so awful in affluent countries that makes people want to die? None of it makes sense. I guess it's just a testiment to the evils of materialism.

I guess that's all I have to say at this point. That and my sisters car broke down. So she left it in the middle of the road. And it got towed. And she cried. Drama.

Clarkbar felt sick _@ 8:03 PM

March 12, 2006_{---God it's early/late, but not really. I'm just tired. Friday night.}

So, Kate and I went to the Truckstops and Statelines tour last (Friday) night. It was pretty great, although we got there kind of late so we didn't get very good spots on the floor. Whatever, we didn't have to wait in line outside, which was good because neither of us had very effective coats with us.

Anyways, Hellogoodbye was awsome, but their set wasn't half as long as we would have liked and I was standing behind this really tall girl the entire time so apparently I missed some good stuff. But hey, they sound great live. Really, they do. Me and Kate sang along and danced.

Acceptance was next. Neither of us had really heard any of their songs, but it turns out they're amazing live. I think they were actually my suprise favorite of the night. They had a lot of energy and the lead singer was more than just good looking. Sweaty boys every where. Which isn't a particularly bad thing.

Panic! at the Disco was next. They were good, but you can tell they haven't been playing shows for very long. The songs sounded amazing, just like the record, but the lead singer didn't have much energy and, aside from the drummer who is exempt, none of them moved around much. But the crowd had great energy so it was the second most fun moshing of the night. There was this guy who gave me a high five for not losing my spot on the floor despite the craziness. He was cool, totally the craziest person there. After the set was over a bunch of people evacuated the pit because it was crazy hot up there, so Kate and I moved up a lot. I thought I was going to pass out because I definately forgot to bring water, but I made it.

Last, The Academy Is... Freaking amazing. Best pit from where I was standing. I love the feeling of just standing and the entire crowd swaying way to the left and then the push back. I went pretty crazy because I love TAI. I've seen them the most out of any of the bands there. They had the longest set, of course, and in the middle I lost my steam a bit, but I got just enough energy back to end it right. It was funny because for a while afterwards Kate just marveled at how skinny William is. And how long his limbs are.

After the show we were dying for water so we went to the subway across the street a chugged down all the free water we could. While we were waiting for the one guy working there to finish helping real customers so we could get cups I noticed a guy next to me who looked exactly like Ryan from P!ATD. I didn't want to be weird so I didn't say anything, but it turns out that was definatelt him. Weird. That's all I feel about that too. Not giddy or excited, it's just funny because I just looked at him for a second and wrote it off, like it couldn't be him. Nobody else noticed either, a least not until after I left.

Drove home at 11:00pm. I had fun, I haven't talked to Kate about it much, but I think she had fun too. If not then she would be crazy. Always a possibility with my friends.

Anyways, that was my Friday night. Well, other things happened too. Went to diner, had some close called with homeless people, walked through a very empty Pike Place Market- creepy.

On to real life. My solo sounds like crap. It sucks. I'm freaking out, and yet I haven't practiced since Thursday. I suck. Oh well, WASL week is next week, so I get to sleep in every day but Friday. I an more happy about that then you will ever know. Oh, and I now officially hate French class and Madame. They both suck.

Clarkbar apparently had a lot to say _@ 1:16 AM

March 3, 2006_{---Hey, the site is open. Cool.}

So, I'm back. I hate this layout but I figured I had to come up with something, and this was it. I'll work on something better , I promise.

Anyways, not very exciting things going down right now. I've been watching music videos a little bit. Two things I've noticed. Jammie Fox and Madonna both have no talent, and I definately don't want to see either of them in music videos or wearing 70s style leotards.

Kent Kids Art Day is tomorrow. I can't say I'm particularly excited, but it should be ok. 30 Hour Famine is next weekend, but I might do it a different time because I've got a lot going on that weekend and I don't know if I'll be able to take being hungry at the same time. I shouldn't chicken out though. I don't know. Solo/ensemble contest is the weekend after next. My solo sounds like crap right now. Gotta get that together.

Enough rambling, because I'm sure you don't care.

Clarkbar layed the smack down _@ 3:50 PM

FEBRUARY 1, 2006_{---It's February first.}

Happy February. Hope it's better than January, because that wasn't such a hot month for me.

Oh, and as far as the music goes, P!ATD in March, Fall Out Boy in April. I'm going with the Kate Monster. Should be fun, I've got GA for both shows. I'm not actually sure I want to go to the Fall Out Boy show anymore just because I'm not a big fan of concerts in big arenas, I get really overwhelmed and uncomfortable. Kate will be there and she's excited though, so it should be fun.

I'm tired but I'm still doing this journal. Sometimes I don't make sense.

Oh, and I'm definately not going to Tolo this year. I really hope someone asks me to prom, because if not this could actually turn out to be the worst Senior year I could possibly have.

Poisonwood Bible is good, the only part that sucks is having to stop reading the book to answer questions about it. Lame. At least I'm starting to discover how much I like to read. Yay for that.

Clarkbar hoped Fyfe's class doesn't smell tomorrow _@ 9:18 PM

January 29, 2006_{---This shouldn't be tiring, but I can't help it my eyes droop, life give me a headache sometimes.}

Good God my life is boring. Nothing is going on in my head. I'm holding on to whatever thought passes through and I'm holding on to every grudge that should have passed.

Believe it or not, but I'm just as angry as every other kid out there, and I don't take that for granted. I manifest my anger in my own ways, that's all.

I'm so sick of eating tacos. I hate tacos.

I don't want to read The Poisonwood Bible anymore because I know it all goes downhill from here. I'm depressed just thinking of all of the aweful things that could happen to them.

Straight "A's" again this semester. Yippy Skippy. Who really cares anymore? I've alread been accepted to college. I guess I'm just keeping my grades up with the hopes of getting into a school I really want to go to. My schedule next semester isn't at all what I want, but the counsling office nazis won't let me see my counslor, so I guess there's nothing I can do.

I've had a sucky week, so hopefully next week will be better.

Oh, and I finished (or my dad finished) filling out the FAFSA and CSS profile thing so I can get aid for college. Cool, huh? Yeah, no.

Clarkbar was done_@ 7:32 PM

January 23, 2006_{---To do, because I like to post lists on here.}

To Do:

Open bank account

Get freezer paper

Go to the library

Get Shauna to return my jeans

Prepare for my interview for YALE (Holy Crap this is a big deal. HOLY CRAP)

Fill out FAFSA

There's more, but who really cares anyway...

Clarkbar listened to Motion City_@ 8:33 PM

January 21, 2006_{---Things I am (not) done with.}

Things I'm done with:

Senior Project

Business English Project

Photography Assignment

College Apps

Things I'm not done with:

My reading assignment for English

French homework (I didn't even bring it home)

Studying for Econ (tomorrow with Sonya- I'm tudoring her)

Getting scholarships

Getting freezer paper so I can try to learn to stencil

Listening to all the CDs I got from the library

So, Transatlanticism is way better than Plans. It really is. Way underappreciated. And I had to return Ariel before I could finish it. I'll check it out again.

Clarkbar was sore_@ 8:25 PM

January 16, 2006_{---Happy Birthday MLK, Ins & Outs of '06, new layout coming.}

First off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. Everybody take a minute to appreciate him, because he was amazing.

Ok, so I know this is a little late, but here are MY ins and outs for '06:

Ins...	Outs
Art...	Science
Black & White...	Monotone
Bright/dark colored nails...	French tip
Pinks...	Reds
Flats...	Sneekers
Water...	Juice
Downloading...	Buying
Doing it yourself/personalizing...	Song lyrics on t-shirts
Sloppy...	Organized
Reading for pleasure...	Reading for school
Mrs. Donaldson...	Mrs. Fyfe
Plays/concerts...	Movies in theaters
Project Runway...	America's Next Top Modle
Real life gossip...	Celebrity gossip
Writing journals even though nobody reads them...	Writing journals hoping someone will read them
New friends...	Pretending to be friends
In person...	AIM
Photography...	Photoshop

Also, I'm working on a new layout. I get bored easily. So look out for that.

That's it for now, may add more later...

Clarkbar likes stickers _@ 5:25 PM

January 15, 2006_{---Honestly, I don't know.}

Je suis bored, yo.

I've had nothing ot do all weekend so I've just been drifting from random activity to random activity. It's starting to drive me crazy, so I think I need to find something time consuming to do tomorrow. I think I may go shopping, but only if I'm in the right mood. I'm not sure yet.

School is just as mundane as ever. I go to the same classes every day, where I do the same things every day. It's making me tired, literally. I'm always exhausted, even when I got plenty of sleep. I don't know what's going on with that, but I'm pretty sure the only cure will be a change of scenery. College here I come.

Saw the play last Thursday. Can't say I was overly impressed, I always expect more than I get. The girl that played the witch wasn't that good, they could have picked someone way better. Joey and Shane were amazing, though, I think I may have even developed a mini crush on Shane because of the play. Who knew he could sing like that? Not me, he was great. Kate was great, too. But then again, Kate is great always. That's her unofficial slogan. Sam and Kelly (I went with them, we were on a date) kept talking about trying out for the next play. I'm not going to try out, because as far as I know I have little to know talent in the drama department.

I'm going to celebrate MLK's birthday tomorrow. I don't know what I'm going to do, but there will be celebrating, because he was an awsome guy and he deserves it.

That's all for now. I really only wrote this journal to keep me occupide before I ate diner.

Oh, and I don't think it's rained yet today, we may not break the record after all. Haha to all the suckers buying into that.

Clarkbar wanted cake _@ 6:14 PM

January 4, 2006_{---I actually got some stuff accomplished today, I know, don't look so shocked.}

So, FINISHED my French essay today. That is, I both started and ended the writing of it. Shout out to the google translator tool for all of the help, wouldn't have done it without you. It took me a couple of hours but I'm finished, and I could really care less whether it's crap or not. I hate essays.

Also did my French presentation. I think it went well, or at least I hope so, because I was ready to do it before break but had to wait and go afterwards. Stupid school. I hate school.

Now on to the excitement!

//COLLEGE UPDATE//

I am completely done filling out applications for college. I would be completely done except I couldn't pay for George Washington U online, stupid stupid-faced stupidheads. I hope they accept me. In fact, I hope another school along with UW accepts me, because the last place I want to be going to school next year is in Washington.

Now all there is left to do is apply for scholarships. If you hear of any good ones let me know, because I may be needing some serious money next year. No joke.

//COLLEGE UPDATE//

I am really tired now. I'm going to bed. Goodnight.

PS
Kate's birthday is tomorrow and I didn't have the resources (ie ingredients) to make her a cake. I think I'm going to leave for school early tomorrow and pick her up something cool, because I love her.

Clarkbar est tres fatige _@ 10:03 PM

January 3, 2006_{---So this is the new year, resolutions, school.}

New Years was pretty good, nothing really exciting, but I didn't sit home alone so I'd call it a winner. I Went to Sonya's and hung out. Most of the kids there I didn't know really well but they were cool, I think I may have actually made some new friends. Yay. Got home on the first at 3am after watching Weekend at Bernie's. That was a stupid movie, wow, but I think I liked it a little. One of the guys in it reminded me of Shane, which was weird.

With the new year come resolutions that may (not) stick, we'll see:

Drink (a lot) more water

Get into better shape, because if I keep this up I'm going to get pretty unhealthy pretty fast

Stop being so moody towards people (especially friends)

Meet more people, be more outgoing

Have a great summer (for once)

That'll be all of that for now.

So, school starts tomorrow. I did most of my homework. I didn't do any French though, and I think that may cause me a lot of stress tomorrow and the next day. I should go to bed because I need to get up in 8 hours, so I guess this will be it.

PS
Kate's birthday on Thursday, I'm making her something good that she'll (hopefully) love.

Clarkbar skipped to her own loo _@ 10:02 PM

Decmember 26, 2005_{---So, life.}

This Pete Wentz kid is a weird guy. I don't get it. I don't want to.

Today I spent 8 hours talking to Sonya and Kate about every/any thing. It was insane, Sonya came over at noon and then Perki was there at 12:15 but Kate was nowhere to be found, so we started without her. Then she got there at 1:15 so we started the movie over again, but it was worth it. Roll Bounce is just one of those movies that I could have a running commentary on for hours, over and over. We were done at around 3, so we just sat around and talked. Perki left, but we just kept talking. Then we got hungry, so we got in the car, went to Taco Del Mar, but we still kept talking. Then we sat in the restaurant for 1.5 hr, still talking. When we realized we had been there far too long we left, but instead of driving off after getting in the car, we just sat, and kept talking for another 1.5 hr. Then we got cold. So we went back to my house, where we kept talking. Until 11. When Kate figured her parents probably wanted her home. It was the most honest conversation I've had in a long time, it made me feel real. What we talked about is confidential, however, so no juicy details tonight. Or ever.

I cleaned up my room for my friends, and myself. No more clothes everywhere, and no more dust over everything. I'm a slob, but not right now. I showered today, wore clean clothes, and managed to keep my room totally clean. This will probably only last a few day though, so I guess I should enjoy.

You know how I said I'd finish college apps by Christmas, I didn't. Because apparently my future doesn't matter to me at all. I need to finish by Friday, because I know I won't do them new years eve. I'll be partying then, at least if all goes right.

I have three Modest Mouse CDs I still need to listen to. I'm going to do that soon. Oh, and not very impressed with the newest Deathcab CD.

Clarkbar was all fun and games until someone got hurt _@ 2:07 AM

Decmember 25, 2005_{---It's Christmas, it doesn't really feel like Christmas, my sister got me some body spray that smells kind-of gross}

So, it's Chirstmas. It doesn't really feel like Chirstmas to me this year, everything is a little bit off. I don't know, I just haven't been overcome with joy and my family is really distant for some reason. I don't even know where most of them are. We opened presents this morning and then everyone just went off and did their own thing. It's all just a little dissapointing.

I got a bunch of clothes, socks, and underwear- all of which is quite exciting. Also got a hair dryer and a bunch of CDs I wanted- I'm listening to one of them right now. Then my sister got me some body spray at Victoria's Secret called "strawberries and champagne" and it really does smell like fruity champagne. I don't know if champagne is something I really want to smell like though, although if I want to pass for an alcoholic I've got just the right body spray for it.

My mom also got me some gum and a sweet ring. All in all it was good, just not Christmas for some reason. This is sort-of making me upset because I love Christmas but I feel like this year I skipped Christmas and just got presents.

Happy holidays kids, call me sometime this week and we can hang out.

Clarkbar busted up a Starbucks _@ 2:30 PM

Decmember 21, 2005_{---Wow, I feel a million times better. Wow.}

So as it turns out, Anita was not and is not pissed at me. We were both just really freaked out, but it's ok now. Basically I only broke her light so she went and got it fixed and it only cost $40.81. I decided I'll give her $41 and let her keep the change, because I'm like that.

We were talking for a while and it was a little awkward (sp?) but we're cool now. We spent like a half hour today comparing our crazy families, so everything seems back to normal.

Apparently Kate saw the whole incident and felt bad for a second and then thought it was hilarious, which it kind-of was. Lets face it, I backed right into my best friend's car. Once break is over and I get through a few days of school I'll be more comfortable with the whole thing and laugh about it more. I'm still not totally over it now though, I think leaving the senior parking lot is going to be a lot different the rest of the year.

Moving on, I have consumed approximately ten times my body weight in chocolate the last few days, which cannot possibly be a good thing. The holidays are never a good time for my figure, but at this point I could care less.

I think I'm going to meet Santa with my sister tomorrow and I'm excited. I love Santa, he's the best old fat guy I know.

Oh, and I got a card from Aunt Diane. She put fourty bucks in it, which means she couldn't figure out what to get me that I would like. I was actually really surprised because fourty bucks seems like a lot, especially for a present from our family. I love Aunt Diane though, she's the only person that always remembers birthdays and stuff like that, she's the best. She'll call on Christmas and I'll get to talk to her, it'll be good.

I guess that's all I have to say at this point, more soon I'm sure, mostly because I have a lot more free time during break.

Clarkbar ... _@ 10:31 PM

Decmember 20, 2005_{---Damn it}

I just had a really crappy day.

Woke up with a killer head-ache.

Got to school early and sat in the Econ room alone for 15 minutes.

Missed the pancakes Harrison made for first period.

Felt completely neglected all of second period because I hate basically everyone except like 5 people in that class.

Sat and did nothing in third. Felt sick and got a head ache from the computers.

Was completely ready to do my French presentation just to run out of class time and Sonya refuse to switch with another group. Now I have one more fucking thing to worry about over break. If Sonya thinks I'm going to memorize my lines she's fucking kidding herself.

Basically half of my photography assignment sucks ass. I hate it, I could have done so much better if people would have actually cooperated with me.

I now have more homework over break than I have in the total of the last three weeks. That's a fucking joke. And I still have to finish my college apps. Some fucking break.

To top off my day so far I hit Anita's car backing out of my parking space and right as I hit her Perki yells out "Yes" and starts laughing. I felt so bad, Anita was pissed. And then I started to blame her like it was her fault. I'm not a crappy driver, I don't understand why I've gotten into these accidents. They're all slow speed too, like 10mph or less. Anita's window was broken and she told me she didn't need my insurence but I feel so bad, her mom is going to be pissed and it's all my fault.

So there is my crap day so far. I'm pretty sure this is a sign of how great my winter break is going to be. I hate my life right now. I just hope Anita isn't totally pissed at me.I don't know why that happened, but it's going to take a long time to forget about it and live it down.

I'm sorry Anita.

Clarkbar felt really crappy _@ 3:33 PM

Decmember 13, 2005_{---When your love lets you go you only want love more...}

When did life become so exhausting? I have been so tired all week, I need a break from the getting up early and not getting enough sleep. I mean 6 hours isn't very restfull, and the fact I get no mental stimulation at school whatsoever doesn't exactly aid the situation.

The Key Club food baskets were pretty successful, if you ask me. We had like 10-15 people bring stuff in and 6 people brought cake mixes, so we decided 6 was going to be the number of baskets. Only problem was we didn't have enough of each item needed for each basket, so the board has to buy a bunch of stuff to make sure the baskets are complete. All in all, not bad. Pretty good even.

Community service is fun, you all should go try it.

Finally heard from Duhamel today. She is for sure doing my letters of rec. So no worries on that. Now I just need to summon up the energy to finish my applications. I'm serious, I'm falling asleep as I type. The only reason I'm writing this right now is so that I don't go to sleep, because if I go to sleep now I'll wake up at like 3am and be even more tired tomorrow.

Oh, and I think I completely dissed Sonya today, but I didn't mean to. She's been the best lately and I think I really hurt her feelings, but I'll make it up to her somehow. Maybe I'll go with her to Madrigal Feast. That should be a good time.

I'm done I guess. I'll go blow-dry my hair now, that should keep me awake another 15 minutes.

Clarkbar thought about "self" _@ 7:05 PM

Decmember 10, 2005_{---Woah, I'm definately not depressed anymore, just tired, and cold.}

I volunteered at the Christmas Fun Run in Kent today and it was cold. Really cold. At least really cold for around here. Basically Perki and I were put in the middle of a road to make sure people knew where to turn around and to cheer the runners on. It was fun and a lot of people were really happy we were out there being supportive, they felt bad that we were freezing to death. We stood in the middle of the road for like 2.5 hours and by the end of that I couldn't feel my feet or my fingers. For some reason it was still fun though, and I talked to Rob and Stuart for the first time in a long time. Rob has a soul patch, it makes me laugh, and he came in fifth for the 10K, so I'm proud.

Got my Christmas tree. Last time I will go cut down a tree with my mom for a while, I'll be in college this time of year for the next few years. Sad, but I'm glad, because Christmas gets less and less fun every year, so I think getting a break will be good for me.

Seven days left of school before break, I can't wait until it's over. I've been so tired lately. I can't ever remember being this tired in my entire life, I can hardly function sometimes.I'm ready to be able to sleep until noon everyday. That will be good. Very good.

I don't know what CDs to ask for for Christmas, so suggestions are welcome. Leave a comment.

My dad got me a zebra cookie. They are my favorite type of cookie. Ever. I promise.

That's it. I just needed to post so my site didn't seem so depressing.

Clarkbar listened to The Academy Is.. _@ 6:23 PM

Decmember 6, 2005_{---I'm going to be depressing. Deal with it or leave now.}

Everything, EVERYTHING, has been going wrong for me lately. Even things that are supposed to be happy, like getting a Christmas tree or the fact that it actually snowed in Kent were tained. I hate stupid freaking tree farmers who charge ridiculous prices or switch farm owns without letting anyone know. It ruins everything. It snowing actually made me more depressed too, I don't really know why. Thge world being so peaceful and quiet messed with my brain.

Oh, and the yearbook staff skipped my name when entering the senior photos so I am going to be at the end of the entire damn thing. I told Kelly it was ok, but it really does make me upset. Like, in 10 or 20 years when people look back in the yearbook they may not see me at all because I'm not where I'm supposed to be. Plus, the freaking YEARBOOK STAFF forgot to put me in the yearbook. I'm being added in last minute. It just makes me sad.

A lot of other things have been making me upset lately, but I don't think I'll list them all, it'll probably just make me feel worse. The only thing I really need to vent about is my mom. She's been bringing me down majorly because she's been so bipolar. Whenever she's depressed she takes it out on me, and she's been so careless lately. For the first time in my life I really can't stand her. I'm as close to hate as I've ever been with her, and if she asks me to do one more damn family activity with just her I'll freaking blow, I promise.

All I feel like doing is crying, but I won't because I'm too stubborn for that.

Christmas is going to suck hardcore this year, I can tell you that much, and I can't do anything to change that.

Clarkbar was really emo _@ 10:37 PM

Decmember 2, 2005_{---It SNOWED! I love snow! Il neige! I finished my UW application...}

We got like 3 inches of snow yesterday and last night and boy oh boy am I excited. I love snow more than you will ever be able to comprehend, and I was sure that they were going to cancel school. But they didn't. We got a two hour delay, but that just means I got to sleep until 8 am instead of getting up at 6. Lame. Good thing THE SNOW didn't melt, like I thought it might.

At lunch we had a snowball fight behind the school and then we went to Garrison's class and gave him a tiny bag of chips (actually a really big bag with very few chips) and a snowball. We left before he could make us take it back outside, we just handed it to him and he looked at it for a second. I'm pretty sure everyone in that class thinks we're crazy because we go in there during our lunch all the time for pretty much no reason. I really don't even know why we go in there. But anyways, the snowball fight was fun. We all suck at throwing balls of ice at each other's heads. Because we're pathetic.

Then I got home and THE SNOW still hadn't melted, so me mere et moi made our annual snowman together. His name is Mr. Snowman and last year there was no snow so he didn't visit. Hopefully he get to visit again this year to make up for it. I love him, and he is having an affair with my mom. Pictures later.

I went to the Covington tree lighting ceremony today and boy was that exciting. I've never seen so few lights on a tree being used for a tree lighting. I think our tree at home usually has more lights than that. And the ceremony was no ceremony, just some guy we didn't listen to. Basically Sam, Kellie, and I sang and danced and waited for Santa to show up, but he never did. Then I got some cookies and my mom and I went home.

THE SNOW still hasn't melted, and that makes me happy.

After all of that excitment I'm really tired, so I guess I'll go drink some caffine and see how long I last.

Merry second day of December.

PS
I finished my application to UW and sent it in. I have a hunch I'll be accepted, but I also have a hunch I don't want to go there. I guess we'll see.

Clarkbar thought about THE SNOW! _@ 11:38 PM

November 24, 2005_{---It's Thanksgiving, I got my SAT scores, another COLLEGE UPDATE!}

Happy Thanksgiving. I'm thankful for turkey, and the fact I only have to pretend to like my sister like 5 times a year. I think mny parents are going to drag me to the sales tomorrow, which could go either good or bad, or both. I hope more good than bad.

As far as the SAT subject tests go, here are the results:

Math Level 1: 700
Math Level 2: 720
US History: 620

I'm pretty proud of those, I don't think I'll be taking it again anyways.

COLLEGE UPDATE:

I have now officially decided not to apply to the University of Chicago. Instead I'm going to apply to either Georgetown or George Washington in DC. Since I want to become president, going to school in the capitol makes sense, plus U of Chicago has a freaking crazy application that I'm not at all willing to fill out. So there.

Have a good long weekend guys!

Clarkbar was still pretty stressed out _@ 2:44 PM

November 19, 2005_{---Some things you may or may not think are interesting}

List:

The new Harry Potter movie is awsome.

Go see it.

I saw it at midnight Thursday/Friday.

Anita is a terrible driver.

The only time I ever eat McDonalds is when I'm with Anita.

It's because she's asian.

I'm so tired.

I still haven't started my college apps yet, because I'm "too tired".

I did register online for the Common Application website.

I can't wait for Thanksgiving.

Perki is a turkey.

I'm addicted.

Key Club week was a huge failure.

We are the worst Key Club board Kentwood has ever seen.

I get crazy deja vous sometimes.

They still haven't rescheduled NFT.

Kate and I are pissed.

My mom made cookies.

My hands smell like cookies.

Crayons smell good.

I need some new jeans.

That's it for now. G'night kids.

Clarkbar ran out of the orange-colored sticky notes _@ 10:56 PM

November 16, 2005_{---Counselors are useless but Gilmore Girls is awsome}

So I've spent appoximately all of my life the last couple of days trying to figure out what colleges I'm going to apply to. It wasn't going well, so I decided to enlist the help of a counselor. He talked to me for five minutes and already how no idea what was going on so he made an appointment for me to see a different counselor the next day. That's today. So I went to this counselor at my scheduled time and he had to handle an emergency so he told me to come back in a half hour. So I did. And then I waited. For 15 minutes in his office before he showed up. THen he had to make a phone call that lasted 10 minutes. Then he finally had time to talk to me. All I want was for him to help me narrow down my short list of schools, but instead he gave me two more HUGE lists of schools and told me I should look through them. Good God. I'm just sticking with what I already decided. I had to wait for him so long though that I missed lunch. By teh end of the whole thing I was pretty damn tired, which pisses me off because it was a late start day and I hate it when I'm tired on late start days. I hate college.

The new Gilmore Girls on Tuesday was great though. Best of the season so far. I can't wait until next week for the next one. The only reason I can get through mondays and tuesdays is this show.

Oh, and the concert Kate I and were going to go to that got postponed still hasn't been rescheduled. It's supposed to happen the first week of December. They are running out of time. This also pisses me off.

Stupid life.

Clarkbar was really tired _@ 7:23 AM

November 4, 2005_{---College update, photography, and the Streets}

COLLEGE UPDATE:

Still haven't started applications yet, but I think I'm pretty decided on my schools. I want to aplly to Harvard, Cornell, Boston College, University of Chicago, and University of Washington. I might also apply to NYU, because that could be a fun place to go, I just don't know if that's somewhere I'd want to be for a long period of time. I'll have to think on it more.

In other news, I just got back from spending 2 hours in the dark room at school. I love printing pictures, so the fact I had to get up at 6:30 this morning to do it didn't bother me that much. I only wish I'd taken photography earlier so I could take all three classes. This was the only year I could fit it in though, but I'm glad I at least get to take it now. I don't like the way my current assignment (compositional guidelines) turned out, but I love the looks of my archetecture and city scapes assignment looks. It's going to be my best yet, I'm excited. I'll post some of my photographs when I get access to a scanner.

Also, I recently got a couple of records by The Streets and they are amazing. It's this mix between dance, electronica, and hip hop with this white British guy rapping. It's awsome, everyone in the world should own the record 'A Grand Don't Come For Free'. The White Stripes' self-titled record is worth a good listen too, just to let you know.

I guess that's it. I just need to remember to tell Chase that his photographs were unreal, I loved them. Bye kids.

Clarkbar drank some juice _@ 9:29 AM

November 1, 2005_{---I am still wasting my life, the ins and outs of Halloween, my house is more getto than your house}

Still haven't started my college applications. Because I apparently suck at life. The weird thing is I'm not even worried or stressed yet. But I know I will be. Oh boy will I ever be freaking out. Wait for that, there will be some crazy journal entries, promise.

Halloween was yesterday and it was pretty good. My costume was lame, we didn't get very many trick-or-treaters, and I've probably already eaten 8 lbs of candy. However, Sam and Kate came over and we watched the Village and hung out. That was fun. Sam completely freaked out during the movie. You can tell when she is really scared because she starts talking and won't shut up until the creepy part is over. Me and Sami are big wimps when it comes to movies though, it doesn't take much to scare us. After that Kate showed us the sweet clothes she got at drama and we got jealous. They were seriously amazing. Undescribable. I'm sad that was my last Halloween with my friends. Being a senior bums me out at times like this.

Anyways, to the real point of my journal. My list of reasons why my house is getto:

We have five cars. Only four people live here.

Three of those cars are parked on the street in such a way as to make it very difficult for people to drive down it.

During the day we have to move one of the cars so that the mail man doesn't yell at us for blocking the mailbox.

My dad painted the trim of the house white a long time ago to spruce it up. He didn't pain the rest of the house. Therefore my house is the dirty puke yellow that was only around during the 70s and has bright white trim. You have no idea how attractive it is either...

It snowed a lot one year and the weight of the snow broke a bunch of huge branches on one of our trees. Those branchs are still hanging on by a thread despite the fact that any day now the could fall and kill someone. We're just too lazy to do anything about it.

Our mailbox was knocked over so many times we had to get a new one with a lock on it. This alone isn't that getto. However, we just happened to get the only locking mailbox that can fit approximately three peices of mail in it and almost always refuses to open on the first try. Because I this I almost never get the mail.

Our electrick garage door opener doesn't work. Therefore, instead of putting cars in the garage, we keep our bulk toilet paper there. And a lopsided foosball table. And boxs. Lot of boxes.

One year we got one of those eight foot satalight dished. It worked for about a day, during which time we only got channels in Spanish. We stopped using it, but couldn't figure out how to get it out of the ground for 9 years.

We put potted plants outside. We never water them. They always die. We leave them out there for months before removing and replacing.

More to come soon...

I made my new purse this weekend. It's only a little screwed up, and I think it's awsome. It's hot pink with white buttons and I love it. I'm really proud of it. It's my new baby.

Clarkbar ate ANOTHER fun sized candy bar _@ 5:43 PM

October 23, 2005_{---I need to stop wasting my time, the parents leave next week, the movie Erin Brockovich is pretty great}

Basicall, I'm still wasting time figuring out all of this college stuff. If you think you know where I should go, tell me. Help would be much appreciated. Also, if you could fill out my applications for me too that would be great. I'm totally lost with this right now.

Well, Friday I have a suprise party for a friend, and I don't know if I'm supposed to get her a present or not. Her birthday was a little while ago and the invite didn't say. Plus, I have no idea what she would want. Saturday I have the Kent Halloween party for all the little kids. That will be fun. Afterwords I think Anita, Sean, Perki, and I are going to go see Capote in Seattle. I'm really excited to see this movie. Sunday the parents leave. Monday is HALLOWEEN! Sam is coming over and we're going to scar small children and then keep them from telling their parents by giving them candy. I love halloween. A lot. Then I have a week free of parents. And I have total access to two cars. The next sunday is Nintendo Fusion Tour, which should be really fun. I never get to hang out with Kate so I'm excited for that.

Today, however, I'm going to dye my hair. Red. Not rainbow red, just regular red, but it should be good.

Oh yeah, and at the game on Friday Frankie licked Anita's face. That was funny beyond words. Anita's face was beyond words. It was great. Oh, and we think Conor might have been on drugs, or large amounts of sugar, it was weird.

I watch Erin Brockovich yesterday, and it made me cry. It's a great movie. Julia Roberts is better then everyone in that movie.

//Edit//
To Do List:

~~Finish photography assignment~~

Figure out what colleges I'm going to apply to

~~Dye hair~~

Burn all of the CDs I checked out of the library

~~Make my new purse~~

Get halloween costume for school

~~Cap & Gown form~~

~~Natalie Party!~~

~~FYFE PROJECT!~~
//Edit//

Clarkbar was really disappointed with the lastest Vendetta Red CD _@ 1:38 PM

October 12, 2005_{---I hate college already, I made a t-shirt, and I almost have a life}

I have absolutly no motivation when it comes to looking for colleges. I'm so burnt out on school and the thought of going back after graduating from high school pissed me off. But I have to. I already know I'm going to apply to Harvard, which I may or may not get into, although I'm leaning towards not. The other five school I will apply to are unknown to me, however, and that is a very bad thing. This weekend I am going to sit down and pick schools and being my application, I swear to God I will. I need to.

I made this t-shirt a long time ago and wore it to school for the second time today. It got great reveiws.

Yeah, there is a great inside joke behind that involving Kate and I.

Anyways, I actully almost do have a life. I have been doing THINGS with PEOPLE lately. I know, shock. and I'll be doing even more things later. Concerts, parties, sporting events. I decided I'm a senior and I'm going to have fun damn it. So here I am, having fun. I love sticking it to the man.

Oh, and apparently I am Social Studies Student of the Month! Go me! I love Econ more than a lot of things sometimes. Mrs. Donaldson is awsome.

Oh, and Harrison's advisory is where it's at. All the cool kids wish there were there, but none of them are. Just Me, Sam, Kirk, and Perki (add or subtract other random people).

//Edit//
Things I need to do THIS weekend:

Find the four colleges I want to apply to

~~Make a new layout for the site~~

Get skirts and ~~halloween costume~~ at the thrift store

~~Do homework~~

~~Take photographs~~
//Edit//

I've lived longer than you give me credit for
And I'll ignor the empty glances
And no second chances for us.

Clarkbar laughed a hearty laugh _@ 7:25 PM

October 10, 2005_{---It's been a while, I haven't even been doing anything, I've just lost all motivation}

So, watching Andrea's house was awsome. I felt independent for the first time in my life. Sleeping in a strange house alone wasn't even that weird or creepy because Robaty, the dog, made me feel safe. There wasn't a lot to do at Andrea's house so I was out most of the week going to people's sporting events and hanging around. It was so much fun and it got me away from the hell that was my house. It took my dad two week to finish that stupid bathroom and he hardly even did anything. I never want him to fix anything ever again. It's all better off broken and ugly.

On a lighter note, homecoming festivities were last week. There were all the dress up spirit days, which are usually fun, but this time the themes were stupid so I didn't participate. The only day I dressed up was "super hero day" because that's just awsome. Then friday I skipped the spirit assembly and hung out with Mr. Harrison. That was good times. That night I went to the football game, although I was late and almost didn't make it at all. That was all thanks to Sam, who tried her hardest to ditch me again but failed misserably, but that story is too long for this post. The game was really fun though. I hung with the drama kids for most of it, watched some kids go streaking, made fun of the homecoming court, and then hung out with the orchestra kids. All in all fun, and I have good stories that can only be funny to Sam and I.

Saturday was homecoming dance, which was ok, at least nothing bad happened. Nothing exciting happened either, however. I met the Brazillian guy Sam brought, and he wasn't as hot as he was cracked up to be. I danced with the drama kids and Perki most of the dance but I felt like they ignored Perki and I a lot. That sucked a little, but I still had fun. It was better then it would have been had I gone with Jack. Don't get me wrong, I like Jack, he's a good guy, he's just not MY guy. I don't like him like that at all.

This is getting to be too long. Kate, Sam, Anita, and I did a presentation last week that was more than a little awsome. It was great. Sam was a big hit. I loved it. And Kate was pretty awsome too. Anita and I sucked, but we don't think anyone noticed.

I am going to dye my hair some crazy color soon, I need to.

Key club has been going really well so far although Woodside is driving me completely crazy. She tries to control things way too much. Mucho annoying.

I've lived longer than you give me credit for
And I'll ignor the empty glances
And no second chanced for us.

Clarkbar swore to shake it up _@ 10:14 PM

September 17, 2005_{---Everybody has their secrets, my dad (drives me crazy), why do I bother?}

Everybody has their secrets. I have mine. I wonder about other people, even people I know really well. What are their secrets? I would never tell anyone mine, would they? Have they? I wonder if their secrets are anything like mine.

My dad took all of last week off from work so he could paint the trim in our house. He was home Monday-Friday are you know how much he got done? The upstairs bathroom. No, I'm not kidding. And you know what the best part is? He's not even finished yet and it's Saturday night. That's sad. The bathroom is smaller then most people's closets, there's approximately 30 ft. of trim and a door and it's taken him 6+ days. Actually, it gets even better then that. That is the only bathroom upstairs, where the bedrooms and kitchen are, so whenever you need the bathroom you have to run downstairs. Plus, the shower downstairs sucks, and right now it's the only one we've got. Sometimes I wonder when it all went wrong with my dad. Any normal person would have been done with painting the trim in the bathroom in a day, maybe two.

School is so pointless right now. I have learn just about nothing in the first 2.5 weeks back, and it's becoming less and less stimulating every day. This could possibly be the first year I ever fall asleep in class. The good part is I never have very much, if any, homework, which works out just fine for me. The problem is that I get up at 6am for something I see absolutely no point in. Can't I just graduate already. I'd take night classes and graduate early if it weren't for the fact I'd miss out on my friends and all the good things about being a senior. Damn school.

Went to the football game last night with Perki and Anita, Sam was going to go too but she had to go to a birthday party instead. Shucks. Well, Kentwood won and the cheerleaders sucessfully bounced around spelling out words and chanting stupid sayings over and over again. I swear, our school has the stupidest cheers I've ever heard. The only good one is the fight song, because it's so lame that it's funny. I sat with the marching band most of the game, because that's where "it's" at. I think I'm going to a cross country meet, a swim meet, and a football game next week too, because I'll have a car.

Speaking of having a car, I get my mom's car all next week because she's going away with a bunch of friends. One of these friends is paying me $20 a day to stay at her house and let her dog out. So, basically, next week is going to be a good one. I'm excited, except for the fact I have to go to school. I guess it's true you can't have it all.

No complaints, just confusion
And a lot of levels of awkward.

Clarkbar slept less than soundly _@ 10:36 PM

September 9, 2005_{---I feel 14, making new friends is awkward, awkward is a weird looking word, seeing old friends is nice}

I kind of miss having every class with Perki, she was my buddy last year and then summer came and it all fell apart a little. I don't know anybody in Business English, but there are a couple of girls that are really nice and friendly. I swear the most unlikely girl in that class is the nicest person I've ever met and I don't know her name, but I want to be her friend. Anyways, been seeing Tyler a lot and have bumped into Brittney a couple times. I really love those crazy kids, they make me smile. I have a bunch of friends in classes with me but we hardly get to talk. I miss Kate and Maggie and everyone even though I see them everyday. And Alice! No classes with Alice! She gave me my belated Birthday present the other day and it made me smile, she's the best no matter what. I need to call her because I'm having minor withdrawls. Same with Seanie Poo.

Ok, so I feel like I'm 14 all over again and I can't even tell you why. I can't figure it out. It just seems like my parents are being really condescending and bitchy. They've been snapping at me all the time and I'm not sure what I did to bring it on.

And then this stupid car I can't drive. I learn to drive an automatic, they give me a stick shift two days before school starts, and then they expect me to magically know how to drive it. Needless to say, I can't drive it. I took it to school for three days, and each time I drove it I stalled almost every time I stopped. I stalled in front of a school bus and couldn't get started for two minutes. That car is hell. I would rather walk the five miles to school everyday. I'm not driving it again until someone actually tells me how instead of telling me to go out and teach myself, because that obviously didn't work.

School drains all of my energy. I can't focus when I'm running on less than empty, and when my heart is heavy. Full of nothing and longing for everything. But I want it all now, when I don't even know how to get through tomorrow on borrowed steam. Stealing from caffine. No time to catch sleep or my breath, but always time to match every step with what is expected. In the morning I'm dejected and scared, and at night I become alive and aware. I'm scared.

Clarkbar was confused and confusing _@ 10:32 PM

September 4, 2005_{---Bumbershoot, I'm not so angry now, I forget what I actually wanted to write in here}

So, went to Bumbershoot yesterday and it was fun. I went with my parents, so that took away from the experience, but I always like Bumbershoot so it wasn't that big of a deal. The only bands I made any sort of effort to see were The Academy Is and Hidden In Plain View, the rest of the people I saw were just lucky I was in the place I was at the time they were playing there. My mom watch The Academy Is with me and we danced together while a bunch of girls laughed and pointed, that was fun, and the band was good. After that we walked around a little and my parents decided to go listen to the country music stage, so I went and saw Hidden In Plain View alone. Watching bands alone is fun because when you dance and jump around you look like even more of an idiot, but then when you don't stop dancing in spite of all the dirty looks people start thinking you're cool and individual and start dancing with you. I had everyone standing around me convinced I knew exactly what I was doing. A bunch of guys in black sweat shirts were so convinced they actually moved in to get closer to me. There was this one guy that thought I was stupid through the entire thing, I think I have developed a deep respect for him. Anyways, after that I wandered around waiting for the parents to call me and I found this hidden grassy area behind some food vendors. I sat there for a while listening to the people on the blues stage when these people wandered in and sat in this area surrounded by bushes. A minute later I see smoke rising from behind the bushes. Those people were definately smoking pot. The funny part was they thought they needed to hide out to do it when in reality I saw a bunch of people standing right in the middle of the festival smoking pot and nobody looked twice. Anyway, Bumbershoot was fun. I really want to go again tomorrow, but $28 is a little much to pay twice.

I'm addicted to caffine. It's been really bad for my health, concidering I need to get up at 6:00 am.

I'm not letting my sister making me uncontrolably mad right now, we'll see how long that lasts. I still hate her though, and have not talked to her since our most recent incident.

I had a reason, besides Bumbershoot, to write this journal, but I forget. Thats been happening a lot lately. I blame school. I've only been back two days and I'm already bored out of my mind. I did visit Ms. York the other day though, and that was fun. She's a great teacher, I love her. She cracks me up, and she knows when a conversation is over. She does't keep you there talking forever. I guess she teaches good too, but that's not important. Oh, and Stuart came back. I guess his mom only banished him for the summer. Stuart's a genious, I think that's the only real reason I'm attracted to him at all. And yes, I did just admit I'm attracted to Stuart. No, I don't know why I told you.

I got another new advisor at school. You're supposed to have the same one the entire time you're at Kentwood, but I have had five different ones in the time I've been there. My new one, however, is the only one that has been at all competent. I think he's pretty cool, a lot better then all of the pyscho women that have "advised" me before. I think Lee Pope, from last year, quit. She hated us.

Clarkbar bobbed her head _@ 8:10 PM

August 29, 2005_{---I really hate her, I'm serious, I really do. Hate, hate, hate!}

I hate my sister!

I hate her! Hate her! Hate her!

I'm serious.

She infuriates me. Everthing is always about her. If it doesn't involve her it's not important. If it affects her negatively then it automatically has to be everyone's problem that they need to solve so that she can be happy. If she does something wrong, mean, stupid, at all unfavorable then it doesn't even exist. She refuses to fess up to the truth. If I ever try to deal with any of the bad things from our past she always tries to turn it into me being mean and cruel to her. Then she starts acting all sweet and innocent like she never did anything to make our reltionship the train wreck that it is. If it can benefit her in any way possible she milks it for all it's worth. She lies. All the time. I never know what she'll say next because she has no limits. She'll use anything to hurt you if she thinks that it will make her look like less of the bitch that she is. And she gets away with it. All of it. Always. Witch just makes it worse. She just lies and manipulates people more because it reinforces the idea in her head that she is the center of the universe and noone matters but her. Hell, who really cares anyways if my mom was up all might crying and worrying if she's ok? I mean, just so long as Shauna had fun at some sleezy party drinking all night and sleeping with any loser that will deal with her bullshit.

I could go on forever. The end of the story is that I broke the silence with her yesterday (I hadn't spoken to her since May 20) and it turned out just the way I expected. I'm not talking to her again until she finally gets up the balls to admit that she has been wrong and is sorry for all the shit she's put our family through. That, of course, will be never. So, if she never does this, then the only other way I will ever talk to her again is if she has kids. Then I will speak to her only so that I can visit my nefews and nieces.

I hate her.

The beauty is that I've been dealing with this for so long that this time I didn't cry. I'm not going to let her make me cry anymore either, if I can help it. She's not worth it. She's not worth anything anymore.

Clarkbar hated her like you wouldn't believe _@ 1:49 AM

August 27, 2005_---Mutiny!

Internet high fives are weird.

Taco Bell drink are really big. Too big. The drink that comes with a meal is like 32 oz. Who, apart from my mom, needs that much liquid in one sitting? I got one of those and drank it for three hours before the ice melted and I had to give up on it. I've never actually managed to finish one, ever. Too big. I say send all of those big ass cups to Texas, they might know what to do with them.

I have been atacked by this weird adware that makes these dumb warnings from my internet security service pop up all of the time. The stupid adware has made my internet security provider the new pop-up. I hate it. It drives me crazy.

I didn't get the job at the library. I am beyond bummed out and bordering on angry right now. I'm sure soon I'll become manic depressive and then learn to accept it and move on.

The only reason the subject says "Mutiny" is because I remember saying that word earlier today but I don't remember why.

Only thing left to do on my English essay is the conclusion. Then I'm done. Only have to read one more book and write two journals before school starts and the real fun begins.

Clarkbar thought about internet groupies _@ 2:08 AM

August 19, 2005_{---God this message board has eaten my brain, summer reading has consumed my life, the wonder that is my computer}

Wow, long time no post. Miss me? I didn't. I figure if I actually want people to come here, though, I need to actually update. Tahdah!

So, eariler this summer I got into this band called Fall Out Boy. Well, one day I was bored and decided I'd check out the message board on their website. That was a really bad move on my part. Not soon after I found myself going on this stupid message board constantly looking at all of the dumb things people were saying and laughing at all the crazy ways people would respond. I just go on the board and not say anything, just read all of the threads and make fun of people secretly. I think I've actually gotten stupider reading all of the crap posted there, but I go to it anyways. And now I can't stop, I do it automaticall whenever I don't have something else to do. I need professional help. Or something else to do. Or both.

So, summer reading is basicall the only thing in my life right now, which is sad but very very necessary. I finished reading Siddhartha and Catcher in the Rye, but have yet to do the journals for them. I've just started In Cold Blood, but I'm determined to finish that by Monday. Then I'll spend all next week doing all of the writing stuff. Siddhartha was kind of boring, so I didn't like it all that much, but I thought Catcher in the Rye was really good. There was something about the Holden kid I really liked. I guess I related to him in some ways. I didn't like the ending, but I never like endings of anything except occasionally movie endings. Anyways, I have less then two weeks to finish all of this plus read one more book. I hate being stressed before the year even starts. Damn school! Stupid AP classes, why couldn't I have decided to be a slacker? I blame Harvard. And all of my hopes and dreams. Damn hopes and dreams.

Hey, I'm not really depressed anymore! Haven't been for days. In fact, I've been feeling pretty good about all aspects of my life recently, which is good. Got to thank the friends for this. So, I love Alice, Sean, Sonya, Anita, and Kate. I love my other friends too, but those ones pulled me out of my slump without even knowing it. Go them!

So my computer has been rediculous lately. The internet conection keeps dissconecting randomly and then connecting just as soon as I've lost everthing I had been working on on whatever website I was on. When I was filling out my ACT registration I lost my connection every 5 minutes which resulted in it taking me two hours to register. My God! That was such a waste of time! To add on to that, when I'm not losing my internet connection my computer is being as slow as my grandparents. My grandparents are dead. That is far too slow. Oh well, I guess it's nothing really to complain about, at least I have a computer and all of that.

I don't know what else to talk about except that I watched the movie Closer and it really sucked. Worst movie I've seen in a long time. I also watched the movie The Notebook and it was so good. I cried like a baby at least four times while watching it. It was really good. I want to see it again, but this time without my dad there to ruin all of the touching moments.

That's it for now, so I'll leave you with something I wrote when I was feeling really tired and sad...

I used to hate getting up early
But now I love running on empty
Having nothing to give seems like the fitting approach
When I'm never laughing at any of these jokes

Oh, and I love the smell of play-doh and the band Panic! at the Disco.

Clarkbar snap snaped her fingers and tap tapped her toes _@ 10:01 PM

August 5, 2005_{---Isolation is my [best] enemy, school will kill me if I don't self destruct first, still no lovers}

Man, I feel really lonely right now. Lonely and sad and pathetic.God I'm depressed. I've just sat around all summer, like usual, and it sucks. Every summer I get this feeling that I don't have any real friends, like nobody really likes being around me unless there is absolutely noone else available. And then when I do hang out with people it always ends up being akward and not very much fun because I suck at being chatty and social and fun. I just want people that I can be real around and don't have to feel like I need to make conversation or act in a certain way. I want to be me, but at this point I'll just have to wait until college for that. High school is wasted at this point. Although there might be enough time to make some minor changes. Dyeing my hair purple will be a good start.

I am really starting to stress over my summer reading, because I still have not finished Siddhartha or writen any of the journal, and time only seems to start flying by when I think of all the reading I still need to do. I still have almost a month left of summer and I'm already stressed. I hate school so much. I remember when it was fun and I loved it. What happened to that? College is what happened! I still haven't looked into any college stuff yet. I want to go to Harvord, but I'm seriously doubting if I can get in. I don't think I can, but I've kind of fell in love with the idea of going to that school. I could just be in lust, but either way whenever I think about it it makes me even more depressed because I don't know what I could have done differently to have a shot at getting in. And my parents keep pressuring me to find a list of school I want to go to, and then I have to worry about money and what I want to study, and then I actully have to go to college and that whole prospect just makes me feel like like will always be like the hell that is high school. I'm so hopeless right now.

To add to my troubles, I am in full teenage girl mode. I can't stop thinking about boys and the fact that I don't have one. I primp and pose and ponder my clothes and all of the reasons that I can't expose the explain why I'm so desperate yet distent. I really want to fall in love someday, because when I think about it I've never actually been in love before, but now I'd settle for someone that wants me around and doesn't annoy the hell out of me. Although it seems like whenever a guy likes me, yes it has happened-several times, they automatically start to bug me. I guess I need to find a guy that that doesn't do that to me, but I have a feeling those guys would never want to date me. I hate it all. At least noone will ever read this. I'm going to treat that statement like it's a good thing even though I really just think it sucks.

Oh well, if no guys ask me out next year then I will make it my personal mission to find the next big [and good looking] business/politics power player and marry his ass out of college. I don't know what that will prove, and I don't care, it still sounds good to me.

Someone always lets me down. And not just in this town, no. I just want everything to go right. Just for one night.

Clarkbar was pathetic and emo _@ 1:31 PM

August 1, 2005_{---Alice stole some awsome from Bowie, I'm now trying to steal some awsome from Alice, and I want to help but I don't know how}

So, first off, the greatest thing I've seen in weeks, courtesy of Alice the Great.

So, on to life.

I started my summer reading, and have officially read 20 pages. I'm already starting to stress over it because I don't see myself finding the ambition to do much reading any time soon. I hate school. I never hated school until I got to high school and found out it sucks.

I hate people who hate people because they think that their music is stupid, or their clothes are dumb, or that they aren't as smart as said hater. That doesn't make sense. I don't care. I hate people who are too cool for their friends. I hate people that are too cool for my friends. My friends and my music and my clothes are too cool for you. "I'm a smart ass but I'm playing dumb."

I don't want to be cool like you. and I'm not trying to sell you on my ideas. or my flashy clothes.

Went to the thrift store. Value Village will be the death of me. But I will have some bitchen clothes when I die. And I got it all without spending a lot...Some very lucky person got payed a lot of money for coming up with the slogen that inspired that last sentence. I hate them. Yet I want to be them. Anyways, got some cool sweaters I won't be able to wear for two months.

Hope I get to see Alice and Sonya tomorrow. I feel like I finally know Alice again. It's been a long time for us. I hope Sam doesn't ditch on me tomorrow, like she usually does. I feel like she and I are drifting apart. I know next year will be our last. and she'll just let it pass. I'm not on the top of her list. and when I'm gone I'm never missed.

I'm afraid for Kate. Her sister has cancer, for the third time. I can tell that Kate thinks her sister is dying, and I don't know what to do. I want to try and make her happy but pretending everything is fine is a lie and I can't lie to someone whose sister is dying. I don't want her to cry, because I know what's it's like to spend all of my time crying, and it sucks. I'm at a loss with this whole subject. I don't know what to think or do or say. I just have a feeling that won't go away. That everything won't be ok. but what can you do when there's nothing you can say. To anyone that means anything. and I can't even cling. to my last thought or feeling. tonight I'll just stare at the ceiling. and [incert end of poem here]. See, I can't think. I love you Kate.

I don't think posting anything else after that is really valid, so I'll leave you with a kiss.

What's home if you can't find a place to be alone? I'll hide you from the demons in my closet.

Clarkbar dreamt of pandamonium _@ 2:12 AM

July 19, 2005_{---New format, new happenings, no new lovers}

I'm changing the look of this because I can. So there!

Sanity=not my cup of tea
Although I don't really like tea to begin with
And I never really liked you much either

So, selling concessions at the Dragon Boat Races at Lake Meridian was stupid. Really, really, really stupid. It was a bunch of athletic or 'trying to be healthy' people and we weren't allowed to sell water. We also weren't allowed to sell food. A booth next to us was selling food. They weren't allowed to sell drinks, that was our job, but they did anyways. And they sold them for less then us. To make a long story short, nobody bought anything from us. We pretty much just sat around and talked about nothing for 9 hours. It was a big waste of time. I get to spend next Saturday selling parking tickets at Pacific Raceways. That will be just as exciting as concessions, I'm sure. Come visit me if you'd like. I'll sell you a ticket.

I'm going to Perki's tomorrow to practice some duets, them we can play on street corners and get money. I like money. I'm going to apply for a job at the library. Then I can work with Anita. She's good times that Anita. Good times. And I'll get paid, which at this point is very important. Very important. I'm always guilt tripping over spending my dad's money, and I'm sick of it. So I must get a job. At the library.

Thursday I'm going thrifting with Alise and Kate. I'm pretty excited about that because I haven't seen them or the inside of a thrift store since the last day of school (except Kate, I haven't seen her since a couple day before school got out). I love thrifting, although, as I said, I have limited cash flow at this point. So does Kate. I guess it's good it's a thrit store.

Hilary Duff isn't the worst singer ever. But that is only because she cannot sing. You can't be bad at something you can't do, can you? I don't think so. Her new 'single' was just on and I didn't change the station. I still don't know why. I really should have but now it's too late, the song is over and it is officially commercials. I should change it now. Ok, not I'm listening to Nelly. God! I really wish 107.7 didn't play Loveline at night.

If Andy from Fall Out Boy were a cookie, he would be my favorite type of cookie. Unless, of course, Joe were a cookie aswell. Then Gary Coleman would be my favorite type of cookie. I like cookies.

All of the poetry I write are about the same five things. Can you name those five things? A prise for the one who can, a cookie for the ones who at least try.

More later. I'm still waiting for a Jewish person to contact me. So until then I'll keep searching for hot guys with mohawks on MySpace.
Clarkbar had a profound thought _@ 11:39 PM

New site
So, I've been working on totally changing the site, and I think it's going pretty well. I'm not even close to done, I've just been running low on ideas and ambition. I'll work on it a lot more for the rest of the week, so it should be looking pretty good soon! Wooo!

Oh, and Warped Tour was really good. I saw some kick ass bands and some really sexy mohawks. Yes, mohawks. I love mohawks. And tatoos. And boys in tight black pants. And that's basically all there is at Warped Tour, so how could I not love it? Hanging with Alice and Anita was a little akward, and they weren't too into listening to new bands and stuff like that, so that was a little sad. I think I would have had more fun if more people would have gone, but I'm still glad to have gone with those two crazy kids. They put up with me, and I love them for that. Pictures posted, click on the camera at the top of the page for more info.

So, I've been a lazy ass all summer, and I feel like a really big loser. It's making me really depressed and I've begun to feel like I don't have any friends. I know that I do, but when you never see them it starts to feel like they don't exist. It bums me out.

I'll be doing community service the next couple of Saturdays, pretty much all day. It should be fun, I'll be hanging out with all the Key Club kids (Wooo for Key Club!) and I'll be out of the house. Thank God! Speaking of God, I think I need to call Sami and invite myself over to her house. We'll watch movies or something. Hopefully she'll let me come over. It'd be tommorrow if she did. I need to get out of my house. bleh.

Later gaters. Keep 'it' real?
Clarkbar hummed along to her thoughts _@ 6:36 PM _on July 14^th

I Love orchestra
I'm gonna be a total dork right now, but oh well...We got our orchestra sweat-shirts on Friday! Yay! I love orchestra. I used to have a pencil that said I love orchestra, but I lost it and now I'm kinda sad. It would have gone perfectly with my cool new sweat-shirt.

Moving on, I went to the library today to get books for my research paper I'm writing in English. We have to pick a controversial topic, that we don't already have an opinion on, and write three 3-4 page papers analizing it and all the different sides to it. In our papers we have to use like ten different resources, 6 of which have to be primary (in other words books, articles, studies, ect writen by the person that actually studied the topic). For my topic I picked euthanasia, so I needed to go find a bunch of research sources. The library had a bunch of research sources. I checked out eleven of them. Now I have to read through them and write some essays. Ugh.

Yesterday I went to Perki's house to feed her cats (her family is in Hawaii, otherwise they would feed their own cats). One of her cats is phycotic, and the other is extreamly fat. I mean this cat is huge. I don't know how it gets around. In fact, it hardly can get around. It's a really nice cat though. I followed me around and kept rubing it's head against my shoes. The other cat hissed at me. Then I left. It was fun I guess, in a strange way.

That's it for now, buh-bye.
Clarkbar smelled like apples _@ 6:53 PM _on February 20^st

It's been a while
Wow, I suck at updating, but it doesn't really matter because nobody ever comes here anyways.

Anyways, I wrote a bunch of poems over the last few months and I put them up today. Some of them are really old, one's that I just worked up the nerve to actually post, and them some are very recent. There are still a few I'm pondering whether I want to post them or not...we'll have to see.

Other than that, not much going on with me. President's week break just started, so I've got the next week off, durin which I'll be doing unhealthy amounts of homework and very health amounts of sleeping. Ahh I love to sleep. I can never seem to be able to sleep at night though, which is a little weird, but wateva.

I went to the thrift store last night and got some cool stuff. I got this awsome tweed blazer/sport coat that is really cool. I also got a couple of awsome t-shirts and these striped black pants. There was this really cool black lacey shirt that I almost got, but I put it back and now I'm kinda regretting it. Which is sad, because I've just revealed how obsessed with clothes I really am. I swear I do actually think about other things besides clothes. Oh well.

I've been listening to The Clash and The Ramones like crazy lately. I love them. I really can't get over it. Howling At The Moon is my favorite song ever, and then there's London's Burning. Great songs. Go check them out. Later!
Clarkbar bopped _@ 9:41 PM _on February 19^st

So this is the new year...
Just poping in to say HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I'll post about my night later, all I'll say now is that is was slightly lame and then became surprisingly fun...and then lame again...oh well, that will just have to wait.
Clarkbar resolved something _@ 2:39 AM _on January 1^st

Let's help out
I still can't get over how bad the situation in Asia is ever since the tsumami hit, and it just gets worse as the days go on. I can't imagine how it is living there now, I feel really bad for all of those people. They're gonna need a lot of help recovering from this so below I'm posting links to aid organiztions that you can donate to in order to give everyone the help the need and deserve.

Donate

It's so weird, because I've heard about tsumamis before, like all the scientific stuff, but I never actually thought about what would happen if one actuall hit land. It's kind of surreal and scary to think about, because this one event that took hours to happen has killed over 100,000 people so far, and that number will just go up. And it happened in a part of the world that isn't very capable of dealing with it, devastating tiny coastal villages that were still developing when they were totally destroyed. I guess all anyone can do now is lend a hand and hope for the best, and hope that this is the worst desaster to affect anyone for a good long time...
Clarkbar hoped for the best_@ 9:45 PM _on December 30^th

So now I really mean it!
I know I never update, which explains the lack of comments to my posts, but I'm actually gonna keep up with it from now on! I've decided I'm gonna look for a host and start posting every chance I get, even if nobody out there is listening...

So, you know what the saying I hate most in the world is? "Throwing money down the drain". Like money, and saving money, is the most important thing in the world. I mean come on! Half the world lives in utter poverty and people in America are complaining about the stock market and dissapointing sales over Christmas. A lot of people in western civilization don't realize that thousands upon thousands of people starve to death every year despite the fact that the world is fully capable of feeding all of its inhabitants. I was shocked to find out that many people in third world countries live on less than two American dollars a YEAR. Most westerners can't live a day on two US dollars. I think that humanity has decilned too much in the hearts of the generations before us as well as in our own hearts, but I can see change in the future. The releif efforts helping those hurt in the recent tsunami in southeastern Asia have been awsome. So, I guess all I'm saying is keep those less fortunate in your mind alongside your thoughts about what you're doing for new years and what you didn't get that you wanted for Christmas. Alright, I'm done ranting now, sorry 'bout that. It's nothing personal toward anyone, accept many the gerks in the government who are slacking, to say the least, in world-wide humanitarian efforts. Now I'm done with that!

Moving along to a lighter subject, I got socks for Christmas. Really nice socks. That I picked out myself. Like just about all of my presents. Thats why I wish I could be a little kid again every Christmas time. It's always so much more fun when you're a kid. When Santa still exists and every gift is a surprise. Now my parents are so obsessed with only getting us (my sister and me) things that we actually want (how dare they!) that we end up picking out and witnessing the purchase of almost all the gifts the we recieve. Which is good in that we know we will like and use everything that we get, but bad in that it makes Christmas just seem like the end of a really weird shopping trip in which I was deprived of all of my perchases for a long period of time while they were being pointlessly packaged in colored paper and bows. Which, by the way, is a huge waste of paper. But we recycle so that's not such a big deal at my house. The only thing that keeps Christmas fun are now the family traditions, which are fading fast in my household. One tradition that was lost quite a long time ago was the coming of Santa, but now we've stopped watching Christmas movies as a family, stopped singing carols, stopped the opening of one gift on Christmas eve, and we've stopped spending time as a family. That part sucks most, because this is the only time my family ever gets to spend a lot of time together and it seems like the only people that care at all and my mom and I. Consequently, we are the only two that end up spending time together, which we do all year long anyways. The only thing that really holds my Christmases together is the fact that everything I've complained about has nothing to do with what Christmas is about. Jesus's birth is comemorated that day, and I'm thankful for that. But I still miss Santa's visits.

You know, being on winter break from school has really shown me how lonely I've been lately. I haven't done much of anything all break, which has left me plenty of time to evaluate my life and the people that are in it. In that time I've realized that I love my parents and hope that they can get over their differences and find whatever it was that made them get married in the first place, and have found that I still haven't forgiven my sister for everything that she's done to my family in the past. Honestly, I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive her for the heel she put my mother through. She was a real brat (actually a lot worse, but I won't go there now) as a teenager, and still hasn't given up that particular personality flaw. That wouldn't so bad if it weren't for the fact that she refuses to appologize for, or even admit to, all of the awful things that she's done wrong. In the time off I've also realized that I don't really fit in with my friends. Or at least I don't feel like I do. I just don't feel like any of them really understand me or get what I'm trying to say sometimes. This break from school has mostly let me see how lonely I am. I basically sucks, but hell, it could be worse. I could actually have no family or friends. So I guess I just need to figure things out right now and try and relate to people more.

I case you're wondering, and I know that you are, HERE is what I'm listening to in the way of music right now, and HERE is what I'm reading in the way of books.

I have more to say, but I'll leave that for another day. And I promise that I will update again soon!
Clarkbar sang a sad song _@ 11:48 PM _on December 29^th

Happy Halloween!

So, I know I said that I would update this every weekend but, I lied...Anyways my weeks haven't been very exciting. I've mostly just been doing APUSH and English homework almost constantly, wich proves that I am the greatest nerd in all the land. I've also been selling candy as an orchestra fund-raiser, but I didn't sell much so I didn't raise much mulah. Oh well, I probly won't go to California with the orchestra, but that's cool 'cause DJ Snickers isn't going either so it's all good.

Here's a picture of a llama to make your day happy, I made it myself kinda...

Ok, so since tomorrow is Halloween I've been preparing for it all week. My costume is of the greatest super hero in all the land, Super Safety Woman (picture sometime next week...maybe). The costume involves a green sequin cape, neon green shorts, a bright orange "S", and a lot of caution tape. It's pretty sweet. I wore it to school on Friday, and it was a good time. I was one of the few people that dressed up, and almost all the other people had very scanky outfits...Perki wore a cape and looked a lot like Harry Potter so Conner drew a scar on her forehead and there were many laughs. Then today I volunteered at Sami's church's Halloween party, wich was really flipp'n cool. Sam dressed up as Napoleon Dynamite, she looked a lot like him, and I wore my sweet cape and a black, curely wig. I was a lot of fun...

Oh, also, I had to cancel my Halloween party because everyone had stuff they had to do so I've re-scheduled it to be a thanksgiving party. We'll make handprint and pinecone turkeys and watch family friendly movies. It's gonna be pretty sweel...

I think that's it for now so I guess all there is to say is Happy Halloween!

Clarkbar tricked and treated _@ 9:08 PM _on October 30^th

Ok, so I've been working all day on APUSH (Advanced Placement US History) and if I hear anything else about the Federalists and Republicans I'm going to lose my mind. There was one really interesting thing I read about. It was about Aaron Burr. That was one crazy guy. My favorite part, "Still under indictment for his murder of Hamilton, Burr fled to Europe, where he tried to interest Napoleon in making peace with Britain as a prelude to a proposed Anglo-French invasion of the US...He returned to the US in 1812...fathered two illegitimate children in his seventies and was divorced for adultery at eighty." He really just had no idea what was going on did he? Oh well, he is officially my favorite person in US history up to 1815.

On Thursday my mom when to school with me as part of parent visitation day, and I'm pretty sure she got a good idea of how obscenely boring school really is. She didn't even go to my last two classes and she still thought it was one of the dullest days of her life. I felt kind-of bad because she had nothing to do the entire day and she had to sit across the room from me in a couple of classes, but it worked out alright. She agreed that Mr. Yandle, my calculous teacher, doesn't actually teach anything, he just hands out assignments and tells you to go for it. Oh well, I'm doing alright in that class so it's ok.

Later on Thursday I went to my violin lesson where Rosie and I worked for a half-hour on about six lines of music, I was having an off day. Then we talked about which violin I was going to buy, and I think I've decided on the newer one that a violin maker brought down for me to look at. It's a lot better than my old violin and for $1,000 I get the violin, this awsome case, and a really good wood bow. I'm pretty excited about that, because my current violin is a real piece of junk.

I also watch the movie "Saved" with my mom. It was a good movie, although I was expecting it to be a lot funnier than it was. Definately not as good as "Napoleon Dynamite".

I've been looking for new shoes online lately because my yellow chucks are gatting really torn up. I found a couple pairs of x-high chucks that are really cool, but I think I might go for something different than chucks, because I have two pairs of those already. Well, here's a picture of of the cool ones I found:

That's it for now, more later I'm sure.
Clarkbar laughed at Burr _@ 6:05 PM _on October 10^th

Ahhhhh...Ok, so I never, NEVER, update this site anymore and I find this a shame, so now I am going to. I WILL update once a week, on weekends, and add really cool content that nobody would ever want to miss *wink wink*. I am begining me new web life with a new layout and some spring (fall?) cleaning of the site. I'll do a more extensive post tomorrow because I'm still working on the site, but I just wanted to check in now...
Clarkbar was a little tea pot _@ 8:29 PM _on October 9^th

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