February 23, 2002

My English class proved to be more than I could handle. The past week and a bit have been *really* tough on me. I've been feeling totally overwhelmed and unmotivated. I've also spent a lot of time crying. I am beginning to believe that I am suffering from clinical depression. I've made an appointment to see a doctor about.

I only mention it here because I believe it has affected my performance at school and my ability to keep up with everything. The past 6 months have seen more major events in my life in a short period of time than ever before. I just don't know how to cope anymore. And my schoolwork has been affected by that. I dropped my English class on the day of the midterm. I wasn't ready for it and my essay was already late. It was also Valentine's Day, which was hard on me in the first place. And then I had a big fight with my best friend. I'm still unsure how that is going to turn out. So anyway, all this led to be being totally unable to deal with anything that day and wanting to drop out of school entirely. I cried at school, which I worry so much about doing, because I don't want other people to see me breaking down. It's a good thing that this past week was reading week, because I don't think I could've handled going to school this week. I really needed the break from seeing everyone.

It looks like I'll be getting a deferral for flute/sax ed. rather than dropping the course as I had planned on doing. My wrist is still causing me a lot of problems and my surgery wasn't three days ago like it was scheduled for. I have decided to change surgeons because I didn't feel entirely comfortable with the other one and I realized that I had to stop ignoring that nagging "bad feeling" that I kept getting. So I don't see my new surgeon until early March. This means my surgery probably won't be until May or June :o( There's just no time that's practical before then. I just hope that the teacher of flute/sax ed. will understand and let me keep going to class. I had already told her I'd drop it and I've missed 3 classes (out of 5 or 6) so I just hope that she's understanding about it and my mark doesn't suffer because of it. Because I'm getting a deferral, I'll still have to go to class and get all the info, but I won't be able to play or practice and my exams probably won't be until the fall. Stupid wrist problems! Grrrr.

I'm starting to debate how long I want to take to finish my Bachelor's degree. It's a four year program. When I first started, I figured I would take at least five years, do things at a pace I could handle (I had no idea what to expect with school plus parenting), and try not to overwork myself. And then by the end of second year I was ahead in credits, and I was well on my way to graduating in four years. Now I'm not sure. I'm going to be behind by the end of this year, and I could still catch up next year, but I don't know if I can handle that stress. On the other hand, taking another year means another $7000 in student loan debt when I'm finished, and I don't know if I want that either. So I'm feeling pretty torn at the moment. I figure I'll wait until it's time to register for next year's courses and I'll see what I can fit into my schedule reasonably. A lot of the courses I want probably won't all fit, so I may just have to do five years anyway. *sigh* Life's a lot more complicated than I ever expected it to be. I just have to take it one day at a time for now.

May 7th, 2002

Well, I'm finished third year. Well, I'm almost finished... I had three courses deferred because of my troubles early in the semester. I just found that it was impossible to catch up. And I've said it before and I'll say it again: Thank God for understanding professors!

I'm taking courses this summer. For the first time since starting university, I've actually found enough courses to be full-time for the summer, which means I can get student loans instead of a job and I can take courses instead of working full-time. It'll be more to pay off at the end, but it'll ease up my course load for next year and an extra semester of loans is better than an extra year; I'll be done in 4 years after all. I'm getting my second English course out of the way finally (it's supposed to be done in first year!) and I'm taking two Math courses (which are, of course, my second teachable). I'm also taking this REALLY interesting course called "Witchcraft, Magic, and the Occult Tradition". It's really fascinating and it's not at all what one might expect. I am NOT learning how to cast spells and wear a pointy hat! LOL I AM learning that paganism is far more similar to mainstream religions than I had expected. This is going to be one of those few courses in my life that I take that totally changes me and my way of thinking about myself and the world around me. So it's going to be personally challenging (ie: it will force me to think about my beliefs and my "cosmology" - course term! LOL) but it will be very good for me and I'm grateful for the opportunity to take it. I also really enjoy the teaching style of the professor; she reminds me of one of my favourite profs in the music department :o)

I saw my surgeon recently because my wrist is still causing me pain periodically, especially after I play a lot of instruments requiring my left hand. He said that the problem was not a ganglion (like it was before), but that I had developed tenosynovitis (fancy word for inflammation of the tendons). So I have to schedule some physiotherapy appointments. At least I don't need surgery.

As for the Students Association, I had considered giving it up altogether, and I had also considered going back as VP Finance again. I knew that I wasn't going to be President again; someone else can do a better job. (As it turns out, my new boyfriend is the President for the 2002-2003 year.) So anyway, I was talking to my music history prof (which I did a lot last semester) and we spent a lot of time talking about the department and the curriculum and stuff of that nature. Anyway, he suggested that I should be the VP Academic, an idea which I initially rejected. But I thought about it and as of 6 days ago, I am officially VP Academic (and no longer President). My term as President was fun, but I didn't accomplish as much as I had hoped. However, I think I did a decent job and I hope our association will be even better next year. I have a lot of thoughts for academic matters, and hopefully I'll be able to follow through with more of them. It's also still not too late to do some of the things I had hoped to accomplish as President.

Okay, that's it for now. Stay tuned for another update at the end of summer!

Last updated May 7, 2002