I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and bake thirty-minute brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in sleeping, a hopeless romantic, and an outlaw in Peru. My floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. I solve fourth order non-linear differential equations for fun. I can pee standing up.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. On Wednesdays, after dinner, I repair abused Barbies free of charge. I brew remarkable beers using only tap water and tapioca pudding. I have worn a thong.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless Yazee junkie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I recieve fan mail. I collect my own autographed self-portraits. I have been caller number nine and won the concert tickets that you didn't. I dream in only three colors.
I can hurl empty Coke cans at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA, FBI, and SOB. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair(standing up). The laws of physics do not apply to me. I said McDonald's, fly the friendly skies, have reached out and touched someone, and just do it. I have proven myself not impotent.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and all my bills are paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only poi and a toaster oven. My favorite number is i, my favorite smell is air, and my favorite color is clear. I exacerbate often.
I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees in my native tongue of Taiwanese. I have played Russian Roulette, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken to Elvis on occasion. I am callipygian, dexterous, and xylophagous. I am no one else but me!
