Barbara
Benjamin
Divorce
and Realism
Is one mate for
a lifetime realistic? I mean, does it make sense to stay with the same person
all of your life simply because this is the person you chose to marry when you
were, say, 20?
With an opener
like that, I am sure more than a few people will curse me. But, instead, I hope
you will read and think objectively about the concept that I’m about to
present, then decide if you agree or not or believe that I’m totally out of my
mind.
I have been wondering
if some of our beliefs are archaic and just do not fit today’s reality any
longer. Perhaps at one time there were reasons to hold certain beliefs. For
example, long ago it was necessary to split the labor based on which sex you
were. There were no modern conveniences such as washers and dryers and
supermarkets. So, the natural division came with women doing those things
associated with the home and child care. Men did things that required more
physical strength and the necessity of being away from home for hunting. Then,
out of this grew a realization that it made more sense for a woman and man to
pair for life.
Most societies
accepted this type of arrangement. It was also incorporated into many religious
beliefs. However, many of the needs for those beliefs have changed, but our
beliefs have not. Maybe it is time now to look at our belief systems and test
them against today’s reality. What are the reasons for our beliefs now? What
are the needs of today’s society? After all, if people change, it seems logical
that society’s needs would change, too.
At this kind of
midway point in my life, I’ve finished raising my children. So, I now have the
freedom to do things I really could not do with the responsibility of child
rearing. I mean, just simple things such as eating
cereal for dinner, dropping everything to get out of the house for no
particular reason, leaving the TV off for weeks at a time, or painting a
picture the whole weekend without even stopping to cook. My needs have changed,
and I now have new reasons for what is important. I’ve also realized that this
change in my life has affected the way I view the world.
At
40-something, I’ve lived long enough to observe many different couples
throughout the years. I’ve seem marriages terminated by divorce, the death of a
spouse, or old age and death. But beyond that, I’ve seen many (dare I say,
most) couples whose marriages that have survived as a legal unit but have died
internally. The marriages exist only as hollow facades. The people who live
with and support these hollow facades are themselves shaped or distorted by
them.
From these
observations, one thing has become eminently clear to me: If you married the
“right” person when you were young, it was only due to chance and pure luck.
Unfortunately, most of us were not blessed with that kind of luck.
I maintain that
at the age of 18 or 20—even 20-30—it is impossible to make an informed desicision abou the kind of
person who would be good for you for the rest of your life. We’re capable then
of deciding what kind of person would be a good for us during the young phase
of our life. But it’s a long way from 20 to 40, and an even longer way from
20-80.
Our exposure to
people and our life experiences were very limited then. But, as we go through
life, our experiences increase. We’re able to be more discriminating and can
begin to form a clearer picture of what’s important to us regarding a partner.
As I see it,
there are three significant phases in our lives. The first is the early
childhood years that last through the teens. Then comes the
early adulthood years, lasting until about 40. These are the
child-rearing years for most of us. The third phase is from about 40 on, what I
call the “freedom years.” That’s because our children have grown and are no longer
our major focus. We can now take the time to do the tings that up until then,
we have only dreamed about.
In th second and third phases, most
of us live in some kind of marital state: married, divorced, or widowed. If we
live until we are 80, that is ¾ of our lives. This is
a long time to spend with someone whom we chose at 20 and now at 40 would be
better suited for someone else. In short, the vast majority of people in a
marriage have outgrown the needs they had at 20. Their needs at 40 have changed
and are much different. But, over the years, have they both grown and changed
the same way?
Like it or not,
our society has changed radically during the last 100 years. Today, prospects
for along and healthy life are excellent. People can reasonably expect to live
to 75 or 80. One hundred years ago, most people were expected to die by 40.
Our sexual
awareness has changed also. Women, especially, are becoming more in tune with
their own sexuality. A woman’s sexual enjoyment was never considered before. As
a result, sexual compatibility is becoming a bigger focus in today’s
relationships. And, our personality differences certainly do not stop at the
bedroom door.
After having
given all of this a great deal of thought, I have decided that perhaps it makes
sense to view our adult lives as two separate and distinct entities. The person
you chose to marry at the dawn of your child-rearing years may have been a good
choice then. But what about after the kids have grown and gone? You still
probably have another 40 or 50 years left. Do you have much in common anymore
with this other person? Do you see things the same way? Do you share the same
energy levels, body clocks, and interests?
I’ve witnessed
a lot of nice people grown bitter because they outgrew a decision that they
made very young, when their hormones were raging. They just could not
conceptualize then what life could be like with this other person after the
hormones settled down.
After the
children have grown, what harm is there to recognize that you are both unique
and nice people but that you’ve changed an grown in
different directions? Do we really need to suffer and make this other person
the enemy? Does it make sense to shut off our sensitivities to enable us to
struggle along in an unfulfilling relationship or to deny our own desires and
needs while resenting the relationship we feel forces us to do so?
Are we denied
the right to seek a gratifying relationship later in life if we made a decision
earlier that was not appropriate for the long term? Perhaps as our life spans
increase, it makes sense to adjust our view of relationships and marriage and
their significance. Our lives are much longer and healthier now. I question,
then, if the same two people can spend 60, maybe 80, years
together, content with their choice of partners and feel fulfilled. One mate
for a lifetime—a lifetime that is now twice as long as it ever was before—is it
realistic?