 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Needed to relieve some inner-tension... |
|
|
| As of 10/13/2000 : I will try to update every week or so... |
|
|
|
 |
|
|
| Well, since my summer update, ive started school, my junior year.. wow, how the hell did i get this far? I swear it was yesterday that i was in 3rd grade thinking, oh my god.. highschool will be so hard and so long and ill never graduate.. its insane if you stop and think about, considering if you actually have time to stop and thing about it.. i barely have time myself.. im in school all day, im in 5 different clubs, i work after school, and i volunteer at the SPCA.. and why do you ask that i do all this? To get my mind off of things.. its sad really.. when i dont want to think about things that break my heart and send my into tears i work.. anyways.. school's okay, i have chemistry first period.. worst time of the day, just the fact that its hard to understand cant be enough, i have to be half asleep as well, making the class damned near impossible.. but ill get through it.. i have to.. no question about it.. i need to pass with flying colors even if it kills me.. thats my mentality.. i cant stand thinking that way.. its killing me.. but i have to, have to, have to, have to...sorry if i don't sound as happy as in my other bio, its just the stuff thats been going on with me recently.. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
For a while at the end of last school year i liked one of my friends, a lot.. i couldnt admit it to myself, but i did.. i was so scared that he wouldnt like me back and so i told myself i didnt have feelings for him.. one day i just told him, i didnt care anymore, fuck everyone, fuck everything, i didnt care if he didnt feel the same.. but he did.. and it threw me off.. way way off.. and so we went out.. kind of.. we lived close to eachother but too far to walk and we didnt have a car.. so we never saw eachother.. we talked online everyday though, i knew it was a pathetic situtation.. it wasent a relationship, it was online.. online is useless.. we talked on the phone once.. once.. i went away to Pittsburgh for 3 days for an art seminar.. he went somewhere as well and it ended when i cam back.. he told me he found someone else where he went.. i told him that it was ok, i wasent heart broken, ide get over it, we were friends once, and we will be friends again.. i couldnt stand it.. i pushed the anger and the saddness down until it almost dissapeared.. and it was close, almost all gone.. but i still carried it with me, and i was happy for him.. happy that he was happy with his girlfriend.. and i was.. and so i begain to not think about him everyday, and i forgot.. and school started, and i saw him again.. and my heart.. ached, so bad.. but it lessened and i was happy for him again.. happy that he was happy again.. and so i saw him everyday, i got over him.. i moved on and i started to like another.. but that was no comparison.. and soon i started liking him again, i said no.. he has someone now.. i cant like him, he has someone.. we continues to be good friends, talking everyday.. then one day he drops the bomb.. he was considering ending it with her.. and i coulnt breathe.. why why.. why? we talked for a while online.. he asked me to stay after and talk.. why did he want to talk to me?? why did he bring it up just then... i thought about it too much.. thats what i do, i over think, i get my hopes up and then they fall and break.. we talked after school.. he talked about making his desicion.. he wanted my advice.. i fell.. i broke.. i didnt know what to tell him, i wanted to say, ok, break up with her, go back out with me, but i couldnt, i wanted him to be happy.. after all he chose her over me.. i coulndt tell him anything and he knew that.. in responce to a question i asked him weeks ago, he replied, yes, if we both hadnt gone to where we did, we would still be going out now... it broke my heart.. what if what if.. damnit.. what the fuck.. i had a chance... i finally had a chance and it was smashed.. fine fine fine.. and so here i am.. in limbo.. then he tells me something online, once again talking about his dicision.. something about breaking up with her and crawling back to me.. i think he was kidding.. yes he was, but the he asked that if he asked me out again would i say yes.. i said i would.. but was he kidding.. and heres me.. thinking about it too much.. obsessing, getting my hopes, up.. i dont want to fall again, not so soon after the last one.. but its completely out of my hands.. i cant stand it, i think about it so much.. but once again i find myself working harder than i ever have just so i can seperate my mind from him.. ive been sketching so much.. it so peaceful.. another world.. and im just left here to wait for him.. one heart cannot wait too long.. |
|
|
|
|
| And i realize he is going to read this.. well fuck, who cares, im putting myself out there.. ANYWAYS.. wow, it was great to get that off my chest.. As i was talking about before, im in many clubs, one of which is SADD, Students Against Destructive Desicions.. its a good group, ive been recently incharge of a big project for it.. setting up an entire program for the elementary kids..its almost overwhelming but i welcome the challange, its makes me happy to make a difference.. also, im volunteering at the SPCA, its the best thing ive ever done, not only for the animals but for myself, every saturday i go up and i walk the grown dogs, theyre so friendly and they never talk back or tell you your wrong, they just appreciate you.. thats it, its wonderful sometimes to be around non-humans.. peaceful.. i also play with the kittens and puppies.. theyre so cute and small and im glad that they get affection before going to a home..i just got a letter saying that im eligable for National Honors Society, its very very important that i get in.. its always been on my mind.. i have high hopes about it though.. i finally got a job!! its at a hospital near by in the deitary depatment.. granted its not much, washing dishes, but i dont care, its money in my pocket..i take the PSATs soon, im a little nervous, that grade counts for scholarships..and speaking of that i dont even know what college im going to... im almost sure im still going for art, and i need to make up my portfolio.. |
|
|
|
|
|
| Its so cold..its fall, as most of you know.. friday the 13th in fact.. and a full moon.. oooooooo, spooky..the leaves are beautiful though, so really, its worth it, plus, just the feeling of being able to bundle yourself up in all kinds of blackets when you sleep is so nice.. oh, i have rats now!! They're so cute, and i know all of my friends kind of make fun of me cause i love them so much, but really they make amazing pets, they're just as smart and just as trainable as dogs, and unlike cats, they will always want to play with you.. their names are Venus and Murcury, i have one named Una, she was so sweet and very nice from the get go, very playful, but she had Myco, a very bad repiratory infection from the horrible conditions at the mall pet store, i played with her every second for one week and then she went, i was so sad but my friends cheered me up at 3 in the morning the day after she died.. they told me stories of how horrible they lost theri pets... i counld stop laughing.. i still have Bela, my cat, myrlin is gone because Errica moved to North Carolina.. big story.. tell you later.. and i still have Morty (the turtle) as well.. well, im not quite so sure what else to say.. it will come to me.. until then.. |
|
|
|
'' Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes, they call me on and on across the universe, thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box, they tumble blindly as they make their was across the universe... nothing's going to change my world..'' -The Beatles |
|
|
|
HOME |
|
|
|
|
|