MST3K's Roasted Robots
| We MSTies have come into contact with many types of mechanical being. Though Season 1 was the year of the Robot �(3 movies from this season featured that word in the title), Metal men (and women) have always been an important part of the show. Consider what an empty world it would be without Crow and Servo in it. Not to mention all the bots who were created or visited the SOL.�Without futher delay, here then are a few of the nuts and bolts scattered about... �����A Robot is a mechanical device created to serve man - Like that 'Tweeky' thing in "First Spaceship on Venus". On the other hand, an Android is a mechanical construct which resembles a human -Richard Kiel (Dr Kolos) created a bunch of them in the Human Duplicators-� while a Cyborg is both man and machine (See the characters played by Robert Z 'Dar & Kazja in "Future War") �����Despite the careful definitions, sometimes the line is blurred. Dark One in "Robot Holocaust" is a orb shaped robot with independent thought and despotic leadership skills. Easy, simple and clear, right? That is until he merges with a human and becomes an avocado... THE HELL!� I was okay until that final scene. So was Dark One actually an intelligent plant life side dish thingy or what?  �From that same flick we have... Valeria. Easy, she's an android; then there was the bush league C-3 PO with the pleasure mouth. That's a robot! But Torque (pictured). It moves like a human but has the face of a crustacean. A Crustaroid? Contrary to popular belief, Torque does not work for the Martians or the Monkees (owing to confusion with the names Torg & Tork)�����I'm also not sure what the hell Ro-Man from "Robot Monster" is, or how to label the alien machine in "Creeping Terror". Try as I might, I was unable to locate a definition for robotic throw rugs. Nor could I find any scientific explanation for a helmet wearing, clay faced monkey who gets turned on whenever he sees a sweet young  �thang. Ro-Man's lust was so out of control that he kidnaps the object of his desire, ties her up and rip her dress. �����This scene opens a whole can of thorny questions. Like, just how does a robot get horny? And if logic leads us in this direction... why would anyone design a conquering war bot with genitalia in the first place! This was a serious design flaw and the Great Guidance was just asking for trouble. �����Anywhoo - These are subjects I'd rather not have to think about - so please - Robots? No more pawing and thrusting and other naughty bits. �����In addition to the above, MSTies have been subject to a veritable Robot Hall of Shame. Witness the following examples. |
 Hazel Episode: Humanoid Woman Type: Robot (Service Industry) One positive thing about Hazel, is that she can suck up an entire water mellon through her bum! Joel thinks that she looks like a Hopi Kachina Doll - and she does - But I also think she looks like a guy wearing a barrel held by suspenders. �Notice too, that she wears a fig leaf.���� �����Hazel is a maid; probably related to Rosie from The Jetsons. She's of such an awkward design that she often looks as if she might keel over - and yet, apparently Hazel's a really great tennis player. How this is possible, with her bloated elephant like feet, is never explained. All I can figured is that she only plays people like Anna Kournikova, which makes her seem better than she really is. Lame -O- Meter: 7. �She looks dumb, but at least she functions reasonably well |
 Human RobotEpisode: The Robot vs the Aztec Mummy Type: Cyborg (Destroyer Bot) Created by "The Bat", who's off his rocker by the way. While the Human Robot has the face of a man, he as no free will or human personality and if the remote is off? Whoo-Boy, Aztec Mummies will just wail on him! �����On the plus side: He does have some cool pinchers, and when he touches someone, it makes their clothing smoke. Other than that he's just another shiny face with feet of clay. As Crow says... "It's not so great, it doesn't have knees!" Lame -O- Meter: 9. �Nice claws, but otherwise he's bad looking and a bust |
 ChadEpisode: Phantom Creep short Type: Robot Prototype (Understudy in the King and I) "Who's that fella with the big head?"��Chad (not his real name) did not actually simplify anything. Pure mindless Robot, subject to the whims of any man with a remote control strapped to his arm (In this case, Bela Lugosi), the Bot was hard to control and was always running amok. Bela planned an army of these things; where he was going to wear all those remote armbands is anyones guess. �����Chad is big and ugly (and he plays tapes!) but he's got a flat butt and he doesn't really DO anything except walk in and out of the janitors closet. Crow wasn't impressed, chiding, "Oh what's the big deal. It's just a big metal Richard Kiel!" �����In the end, what we MSTies didn't see, was that in his sole battle with the army, Chad was quickly mowed down in a hail of bullets. Lame -O- Meter: 10. �His heads too big and he didn't do a darn thing he was programmed to do! |
 Jet JaguarEpisode: Godzilla Vs. Megalon Type: Robot (Superhero style!) "Just call me the Orkin man!" - Crow, as Jet battles bug.��Controlled by a main computer, or, if that fails, an AA medallion. Is Jet a Robot or Android? He walks like a man and grins like Jack Nicholson and when confronted by giant monsters, he suddenly starts to think for himself and grows! �����Though susceptible to being kidnapped and seduced by over zealous sea dwellers. Jet always swings back to the side of good - and when threats are over, he once again allows himself to be used like a tool. � �����Jet is an enigma, part Robot, part Android with free will. He's like the wind baby, no one "gets" him. Lame -O- Meter: 2. �Okay, he needs to wipe that smile off his face, but he's pretty cool otherwise with a neat colorful costume and a slick name |
 TorgEpisode: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians Type: Robot (Military Weapon) Nothing can stop Torg! Not even the sound of Derisive laughter. Torg is one of the silliest looking robots seen on MST. Joel sums it up well; �"It's a guy in a card board box with a coffee urn on his head!" �����I'm not sure how he climbed down that ladder when leaving the spaceship. That was a neat trick I'd have paid cash money to have seen. But when it came down to kick ass time... While he was good at knocking down doors and terrorizing small children as well as elves who splay against him; Torg turned into a harmless toy when confronted by Claus. �����Torg is a pure service bot, used in combat missions. He has no personality or free will and only obeys whatever programs are given him. Lame -O- Meter: 9. �Does well against small beings and inanimate objects. Besides that, Torg's a goofy failure in the world of robotics |
 Toy Robots Episode: Gumby short: Robot Rumpus Type: Robots (Chore Bots) What about Robot delinquency? These are real bad-asses of the MST mechanical world. They spray paint graffiti, uproot gardens, throw tools through dad! These bots wreaked major havoc. They rebelled against Gumby's reign of subjection, and nearly succeeded in over throwing the clay despot and his clan. Alas, because they were mere toys and had on/off switches, the revolution failed and their heads were nailed to the wall. Lame -O- Meter: 3. �Not quite as awesome as Jet Jaguar. But still better than most of the losers on this list So thems our Bots. The good, bad and the ugly. What do you think sirs? |
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